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i'm so happy to see so many people are enjoying ticket to heaven here. it's like seeing so many friends hyping up the same thing every week. it gives me so much joy 🥺 and i feel comfortable to express my thoughts and feelings here... i don't really have that many friends (especially on twitter) to talk about barthtanrak, but i'm glad there are some friends here on tumblr that i can share convos with... thank you 💐✨️
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i think i've written too many 'barthtanrak's first kiss' divergent aus at this point, and i know that the moment we're getting this saturday, will be the most beautiful, possibly heartbreaking, and perhaps liberating, to tanrak and barth.
there are so many possibilities. i don't think i've ever settled on only one 'what-if' when it comes to their first kiss, because it can happen out of spite, out of lust, out of defeat, or just pure love.
honestly, after two episodes into the series, i concluded that tanrak is the first to harbour 'romantic feelings' for barth, which drives him to seek refuge by succumbing to desire—that leads him to question his faith and existence.
while for barth, i think he feels something for tanrak, but not quite romantic yet. it's getting there. ep 3 might be where we'll see how barth's feelings for tanrak turns romantic—and also passionate.
which leads to the thing i want to talk about in this post.
this scene.
it's driving me to the edge, how water is treated in this series. water acts as a symbol of purification for tanrak. he washes his hands and face after having these 'sinful' thoughts about barth in the previous episode.
but here, barth arrives somewhat like a challenge. with that gaze, it could be a multitude of emotions barth wishes to express. but it's that same glint that he wears when he was looking at tanrak after the 'nice aim' scene in episode 2—
will this really purify your sins?
which makes me believe that, to an extent, barth knows what tanrak thinks/feels.
i wonder if this was how he was when he realised that he liked boys. and this is why he didn't chase after tanrak when he saw him going to the bath house... because he knew that tanrak needed space to understand—because he was there once, too.
are you still seeking god here?
i wonder if the question of 'surrendering to lust' will be brought upon in episode 3, as the conversation that barth and tanrak might share looks a bit intense here.
will you give in to desire?
maybe tanrak tries to run away. maybe tanrak will deny barth's questions and statements, because it's true, that he did cave in, but tanrak doesn't want anyone to know—especially barth.
but barth sees right through him. he sees tanrak, and it's never his intention to judge. he just wants to understand. he wants to understand tanrak.
will tanrak allow barth to understand him?
i think, it's a yes, because...
in my opinion, tanrak being the first to initiate the kiss is a brilliant move.
because this is a battle that he has been facing, and when he's aware that he could no longer win against it, he forfeits. but this isn't an act of loserism. this is him finally being true to himself. this is tanrak, slowly, becoming a believer again.
what i love about their upcoming kiss scene is the shift between dark and light. the blue hues (and the lightning) really enhances that dread tanrak is feeling at the moment. with water dripping from his head to his body, it's as if he wants to hide away with the blue of the water, so that no one will find him in this state of mess and lusting over barth.
while their kiss happens in such orange-yellow light, so bright and blinding that it feels somewhat freeing—to tanrak and barth, that both of them found each other in the middle, finally allowing themselves to be free from that cage surrounding them.
i think it's going to be so heart-wrenching and beautiful. i can't wait.
the pull and restraint in this episode is really good. i love how the story gradually moves towards an impactful, somewhat grandiose ending. every build-up is done so beautifully, with hints of humour and comedic timing to balance out the tension.
good Lord, i'm glad jerome and jinn didn't kiss in this episode 😭 i think it's not the time yet. there are so many things still left unsolved. so many questions. they just can't 'kiss' the confusion away. so i'm really glad they didn't, because if they do, i'll be spiralling.
i love how realisation hits jinn first, not jerome. jerome was clearly still in that headspace, succumbing to the 'feeling'. i take this scene as the beginning of their masks crumbling. their true emotions towards each other are surfacing. they can't hide them anymore, even though they still try. it's just there. it's always there. how can they ever suppress it again after being this close?
i'm not joking when i say that every time jerome sees their future, everything feels so bittersweet 😭 it's as if they're on borrowed time. so i wonder if the reason jerome's seeing these visions is to teach jerome (and jinn) not to waste time and take things for granted. it's because if jerome isn't seeing visions of the future, they'd still be the same: fighting, finding no common ground, and possibly drifting apart. i wonder if these visions are just God's way of making them realise their feelings sooner, thus, work on it, and stop the 'feud' that never existed out of hatred. because i believe, jerome will continue getting these prophecies (the good and the bad) to 1) overcome the conflict they had since kids, 2) be honest with each other, and possibly 3) to avoid the obstacles coming their way.
Lord. i have tears in my eyes whenever aged up!jeromejinn are on screen because they look so happy—and really, it makes me think about how their adult versions won't have any idea what'll happen to them: separation through death. so i believe, giving jerome this 'power' to foresee the future will help them with many aspects, especially the riddles of the heart.
but truly, it's so heartbreaking... to think about how their designated future will always end with one's passing...
honestly, i'm glad that jerome has farm. i'm glad farm is such a supportive character, the backbone in this friend group. farm's empathy and understanding are very much needed, and i'm happy that jerome can somehow trust him with this 'madness'. he didn't judge jerome at all. he listened. and he sympathised with him. that's a true friend right there. i'm just so happy that jerome has someone he can talk to. and i'm positive jerome won't hide this 'power' from jinn for long, too.
my heart also hurts for farm 🥺 i kind of agree with mai. who in their right mind would allow their crush to live with them? i don't think i could ever do that. all these signs... all these confusions... all these feelings... farm and van are starting to feel it. or, perhaps, van starts noticing farm's worth when he has no one (casual flings) by his side. it's bittersweet to think about this scenario; when you're always there for this person, witnessed their shittiest and happiest days, yet it's never because of you, or with you. and i think that realisation somehow grounds farm in believing that he'll never have a chance with van, especially knowing who van is and his 'dating style'.
i still don't know how i feel about van, but if he's truly trying to understand what true love means, and he wants to try it with farm, i just hope no hearts will be broken. it's a risk that they have to take, specifically van, if he wants to cross this boundary that he didn't realise existed for years. it's all in his hands now.
and again, farm is just so selfless. he's kind of resigning his fate with time. he doesn't really think about the possibilities of being in a relationship with van, thinking it's crazy to even happen in this lifetime—which is devastating. it makes me think about how many times farm got his heart broken by the same person, over and over, until he can't even foster a grain of hope in his heart anymore.
sea portrays quiet dejection so, so well. i noticed this since hi by my luck. and i'm always so impressed. it's in the way the sparkle in his eyes dimmed whenever his characters are sad. that kind of acting tickles my brain so much that i ended up clutching onto my chest as i'm watching this sequence. jerome's quietly winding in this whirlpool of insanity, and he can't even talk to the person whom he sees in every vision, because what are these visions, anyway? what do they mean? jerome's puzzlement and repulsion are valid, at least to me. and that lashing on jinn is gut-wrenching. i'm not trying to downplay or encourage it, but i believe that's such a crucial point in this episode for their story to develop further and reach a new level.
(i have no idea when gmm26 is coming, but is it too late to manifest an angsty drama for seakeen? these scenes... these moments of heightened emotions are so good... i think their chemistry has developed so beautifully together. they feel so in sync, coherent even, in the way they receive and reciprocate each other's feelings. that's what i believe how a wonderful connection bonded them together looks like. it's so beautiful to witness this now.)
this is such a perfect 'restart' to their relationship: an apology. it's very needed. although i believe jinn didn't expect this, i know he appreciates this so much. i'm glad jerome did apologise. i'm very happy about this brief moment of vulnerability 🥺
it's hitting me so hard in the chest that they'll live together in jinn's condo in the future 😭 everything is so different, but it's inevitably the same as well. they're so soft. so soft with each other. so appreciative. so in love. it's obvious in the way they behave around each other. the way they look at each other; fire from the devotion, not from hatred. how their shoulders aren't tense from unfamiliarity and resentment, but loose from closeness and intimacy. every vision of the future offers some sort of epiphany for jerome. like i said earlier, i wonder if this is all written for them to read together, dissect its meaning, and find the purpose behind fate's intervention in their current topsy-turvy relationship.
isn't it beautiful? God's plan for them... i think it's the prettiest.
(i actually died again when this happened... my heart literally shattered i don't know why 💔 jerome stood up for jinn without him knowing... how am i supposed to survive this 😭😭😭 beam, i'm sorry you had to go through all of this shit... you deserve better...)
again, i command p'new's team for how well they crafted the tension in this episode 👏 it's dramatic irony, where we, as the audience, know that jinn will walk into the room and see jerome with the diary/journal, but seeing it happening for real is an experience i won't forget 💔 the howl i exhaled when this happened...
i think we can really feel the fallout, the walls shattering, the secret once kept safely in the drawer is now out in the open, in the hands of someone who isn't supposed to know. keen's excellent embodiment of panic, fear, and anger is magnifiyingly spell-binding in this scene. like, i can see everything was collapsing on him when he opened the door. oh, the actor you are, keen suvijak.
this, right here, truthfully, destroyed my world.
just pull the trigger to my head at this point.
oh, Lord. i can't believe it's happening this quickly: them sorting out their feelings for each other. it makes me wonder if something bigger awaits once their feelings are equal... what will happen then?
i never hated you.
i never hated you.
i never hated you.
i never hated you.
i never hated you.
i repeat that sentence, as i wait for episode 4 to air.
