this episode is GLORIOUS.
there are so many things to talk about in this episode, but i really love how they delve into 1) emotional closeness, 2) budding physical intimacy, which leads to the most important theme, 3) the exploration of lust.
i'm honestly, will always be in love, with the way p'aof handles emotional closeness in his stories. i see this pattern happened in 1000 stars, bad buddy, and last twilight. we are given the opportunity to witness the main characters getting to know each other, and slowly falling for one another. it makes the journey more rewarding to me, that their chemistry isn't forced upon, or we're supposed to 'accept' they're in love with each other as it is, without moments to prove that intimacy. i just love that p'aof always utilises the show not tell method a lot in his crafts. i'm a huge fan of that in writing, and especially in this series.
but to me, it's never overly done, as these pairs/characters are so distinct in the way they express that emotional intimacy, and barthtanrak perfectly captures that youthful-innocent-pure affinity that i find absolutely astounding. everything about them feels so young and fresh and just how two teenage boys would find love in their age; although i've never experienced it, i bet it looks just like barth and tanrak falling for each other. slowly, but surely.
it's evident in the way barth is slowly entering tanrak's world, and tanrak allows barth to break free from the invisible 'cage' that has been keeping him away from society. we see in the way that barth gradually begins making friends, not just with tanrak, but with others too. that scene in the cafeteria, is so beautifully done, because it's the first sign of connection between barth and tanrak after the minor conflict (the pool incident), and how barth subtly integrates tanrak's circle; joking around with kongdech and also ryu. it's so pretty. it's so organic to me. and the way tanrak looks at barth all along, observing, studying, always having barth in his radar—involuntarily.
i think, tanrak is happy to see barth and kongdech also becoming friends. he's such a cutie in this scene though 🥺💗
the foreshadowing in this episode is INSANE, because the moment they had that conversation about lust and who's telling the truth, i know they're going to do a full-circle moment towards the end of the episode. and God, i was right.
it's so mind-boggling to me that tanrak is so confident when he answers barth's question here—to him being absolutely tongue-tied when that same lust, the same desire that tanrak knows he should be fighting against, is overtaking his rationality, his belief, his faith.
the conversation they had about who's telling the truth and who's lying is so interesting because, for me, it kind of indicates how we, as the audience, perceive tanrak and barth, especially later in the episode.
because in my opinion, it kind of deludes us into believing that barth might be telling the truth all along—that lust shouldn't be fought, but accepted—and tanrak was lying—that lust has to be battled with and won over.
but before we get deeper into that...
it's such a smart move, to transition the scene from barthtanrak playing the piano, where barth talks about feeling out of place, as if he doesn't belong anywhere—
to barth and the other students playing in the bath house, to them watching a movie (?) together, and to finally... letting their fingers touch.
there are so many scenes in this episode that show emotions coming to tanrak's eyes. he looks so ALIVE, as if he found that spark of happiness again. but in my opinion, it's tanrak finally allowing that wall surrounding his life to crumble, just a little bit. through barth, tanrak remembers how to enjoy life again, and not just live in it.
longing—for something so uncertain, but so there.
fear—for something that's happening, out of will.
which leads to the physical closeness that i find so intoxicatingly intimate in so many aspects.
we can see them gradually getting closer...
they're stronger now, in terms of the emotional intimacy they share, after that moment when barth comforted tanrak in front of the saint of love, to the piano practice, the movie night, and... when tanrak touches barth for the first time.
i think, the reason that touch spirals tanrak into a whirlwind of a mess, is it's him who's doing the physical contact; it's him who's supposed to touch barth—while it's usually the other way around. although it's still initiated (or perhaps, asked) by barth, tanrak could've declined, or he could warn barth about the consequences. but the close-up to barth's body indicates that tanrak has that desire, that lust, to be physically close to barth, in any way.
and we see him self-destruct the second his arms are around barth.
honestly, it's such an intimate moment, and i couldn't breathe when i watched it, because it's so normal, harmless even: tanrak's just helping barth, barth just wants to get roti outside of school, but it's truly the nail to tanrak's coffin. to tanrak, it feels a lot like his first sin.
and the conversation about lust echoes inside tanrak, and how he said to barth that lust should be fought, and not confided in, but here he is, struggling to fight it.
this is such a painful callback to the conversation they had, because it raises the question, is tanrak never the lost one—because he never tells the truth?
but isn't he always on the path of truth, the path of God?
then why does it appear like tanrak has always been a sinner?
and it makes me wonder if barth knows what tanrak doesn't know here. barth might have an idea that tanrak's struggling, but he doesn't know what. and he has always been the lost one, because barth never lies, because he is indeed, bartholomew.
it's just breathtaking, how they executed this scene, how painful it visibly is, to see tanrak lusting over barth. he's just eating that roti (honestly, it's a bit too suggestive, in my humble opinion), but tanrak feels emotions he never felt before, and the air's almost punched out of his lungs because Lord, tanrak's going through hell on earth at that moment.
and it's just so heartbreaking, when that thought, barth, takes over his mind, reducing him from getting any sleep because how could he? he experiences something he has never gone through, and it's so foreign, it's so weird, it's so haunting, it's so terrifying, yet so...... achingly liberating.
tanrak's clearly distraught. he doesn't know what he's doing anymore. but the voices in his head are too loud to ignore. so he doesn't.
my heart shatters during the final scene, when tanrak went to the bath house again, washing away presumably the precome from him touching himself—his attempt to fight the lust from overtaking his sanity—to tanrak looking into the mirror, touching his lips, mirroring barth unintentionally, and deciding, God, i gave up. i've sinned.
he went into one of the cubicles...
and it's almost poetic, the warm yellow light that shines into the cubicle, in such blue darkness of the rest of the space, indicating both a liberation and trepidation; of tanrak finally losing the battle against lust.
because he succumbs to it.
and it's only, between tanrak and god, what happens behind it.
and we'll see that lust turns into freedom next week, but at what price?
