So hey there. This is the 30th random thoughts. I think that’s strange first of all, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about clarity. 

Today was a very shit day. A very very shit day. I had a panic attack right before I took my statistics final which probably means I did shit on my statistics final. I felt very lonely. I felt very confused. I panicked because I realized this is the last week of high school ever. Like what the hell am I going to do now? I know that the answer to this is go to college in the fall, get another diploma, get a job, and then a house and a family and blah blah blah. But WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I can’t see past today. My brain wanted to explode when trying to comprehend the fact that this is it. No more high school. As much as I hated high school, it was my sanctuary to get away from my family and shit life at home. It was a place that I could see my friends and try new activities. But now that’s all over on Friday. Just like that. 

Then on top of that, they put my school in a shelter in place. Except it wasn’t a fucking drill! Like what??? Granite, the situation was not that serious, but I was so concerned because we had no idea what was happening. Apparently a woman was being tailgated and got out of the car to confront the person and he pulled a gun on her and the police then got involved. What is wrong with the world? 

So after this fun, eventful day I decided that I have some taking care of myself to do. This is where the clarity part comes in. I sat on my deck for a bit and began to meditate. Usually, I’m pretty okay with the practice, but there was so much going on around me that I couldn’t do more than 10 mins. So I got up and started walking. I just walked. I ended up going to the top of this giant hill where there’s all this debris because they’re going to build houses there soon. I stood at the top of this hill and I could see the whole forest line and the sun setting and it was beautiful.. and so.. big. I realized that this is only a tiny fraction of the world around me. My problems are so much smaller than the world. I am small. I am so minuscule in this life and that is beautiful. 

I was very productive this weekend. I cleaned my dressers out; put winter clothes away and pulled out the spring ones. I also cleaned my closets and my art supplies. I did a ton of laundry and I finally hung this Starry Night painting I bought at a yard sale ages ago. 

I guess it feels good to be productive. A measure of my sadness is how messy I let things get. It’s almost like the less I care, the less I’m motivated, then sadder I am. For a while there I felt an onset of depression coming, but this nice weather may have stopped that. I also starting talking to someone important and special. 

I also took the time to tell some old friends that I miss them. I think that it is very important to do this. When you miss someone, tell them. When you like someone, tell them. When you love someone, tell them. Our lives are too short to sit and wonder and wait what could be or what may. Act now. Do something crazy. Tomorrow is not promised so live for today.