#multiple authors

My Big Fat Wolf Wedding (12509 words) by skellerbvvt, AggressiveWhenStartled, silentwalrus, quietnight, galwednesday

additional tags: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Vampires, Werewolves, Fluff and Humor, Accidental Marriage, sir that's my emotional support werewolf, lumberjack Addams family, mistaken identity: supernatural species roulette

-----

BONUS MATERIALS

-----

-----

summary:

“MARRIED?”

“Basically married. Permanently engaged anyway. Weres have their own deal.” Natasha sounds much, much too gleeful about Steve’s rapidly expanding personal hell. “So you better wake your blushing bride and tell him the happy news: that it was an accident and you had no idea what you were doing.”

“I,” Steve says, strangled. “I can’t do that!”

“You can’t?”

“He thought I was proposing! And he accepted!”

“Wow, maybe he’s just as dumb as you are,” Natasha says thoughtfully.

“I can’t just promise him a ring, take him home, drink from him three times in a row and then wake him up the next morning to say oops, just kidding!” Steve casts around, looking at his wreck of an apartment. “I don’t even have any good champagne!”

-----

look at this fanart! (wait to look at it until after you finish the story tho bc spoilers)

-----

Not that she had preferences, of course… 

It seemed even the city’s largest bookstore simply couldn’t satiate her thirst - for reading, of course. 

Maybe she’d just have to read The Boy and the Dragon Gay for the hundredth time… 

“Oh! Jess, isn’t it?” The voice was soft, the accent something of a mix of Eorzea and Sharlayan, with a hint of Ishgard’s haughty tones at the edges. It belonged to the woman standing at Jess’s shoulder - a tiny Au Ra with indigo skin, obsidian horns, and starshine freckles scattered across her nose and cheeks. “It’s Kal’istae,” she reminded the bartender. “Looking for a good book?” She smiled cheerfully up at the other woman.

"Oh!" Jess gasped, nearly jumping out of her skin upon seeing the slightly-familiar face. "Um, hi, no, I was just… shopping for a friend." A lie, of course - it wasn't like she had any friends to shop for even if she'd wanted to. Not that the Au Ra knew that, for a mercy. 

She hastily turned her head away at the feeling of the blush rampantly rising up her cheeks, grabbing a random book off the shelves - she didn't care which one - and tucking it safely under her arm. 

"There, that should do," she muttered, plastering a smile upon her face. "I, uh… what brings you here?"

They were teacher eyes, those lavender-rimmed eyes that gazed so serenely at Jess. They saw that. They know better. “That’s a shame,” she replied. “I was going to offer some recommendations. Sometimes a girl just needs to sink into a soft, smutty romance with no plot and just a bunch of thick-hewed thighs and heaving bosoms.” 

She stepped past the bartender, tilting her gaze up to peruse the titles of the books arrayed before her. “Oh, that looks interesting.” Turning back to Jess, she smiles, a dimple flirting at the corner of her lips and a guileless look in those dark-and-light eyes. “Would you mind being tall for me? I hate to be a burden, but when it comes to bookstore shelving, female Au Ra and lalafells need not apply.”

Turning back, she points up towards a book several shelves above her head, the spine reading ‘Lessons in Lust’. What hints of the cover can be seen seem to indicate a classroom of some sort. “Not that I’d ever engage in such behavior, you understand,” she rambled on pleasantly, “at least not in my classroom. But it’s fun to dream, isn’t it?”

"I-it is," she stammered, taken aback by the woman's unreserved manner. "Though I can't say I've read this one." It brought a slight smile to her face as she acquiesced the smaller woman - being so short for a Highlander herself, she often forgot that she was, in fact, taller than a good amount of the population. 

"Never been much a fan of classrooms," Jess snorted, eyeing the book's cover before passing it off. "Though I'm not stranger to getting fucked in them - er, by test scores, mind you. Not… literally." 

Gods, if there was one important lesson academia had never taught her… it was when to shut up.

“Alas,” Kal’istae sighed, “I’m afraid I don’t know the feeling - literally or figuratively. But at least I can experience it vicariously through poorly-written yet still tantalizing smut.” She eyed the cover herself, approving of the svelte miqo’te woman - predictably wearing little to nothing - being ravished by the dark-haired elezen with the inexplicably ripped shirt. “I like how the tie stays on even though the shirt’s half-off.”

Flipping it open, she thumbed through the pages, pausing to read softly under her breath. “‘... cupped her rounded hips in his broad hands, his fingers inscribing themselves into her flesh as he lifted her effortlessly from the floor, placing her on the desk. She stared at him with wide eyes, bosom heaving’ - ah, there it is. A bosom must always heave.” Chuckling, she tucked the book into the basket dangling from her arm. “Long, lustful looks over chemistry books - that’s my thing. You? I bet you like swashbuckling adventures and chocobo racing across the moors, don’t you?”

"Am I that obvious?" Jess laughed, the tension slowly easing from her posture. "You got me - the sex is just best when there's a hint of desperation and danger in the presence of a world-ending threat. To say nothing of the nights under the stars, in the forests, at camp… All unrealistic, I know, I know. Though why fantasy writers so love to use sword euphemisms…" 

It was at that moment that she glanced down at the book under her arm, unable to disguise the horrified grunt that escaped her mouth. 

"Though, I admit, I'm picky, and there are just some things I'd rather leave for everyone else!"

Kal’istae’s dimple winked again when she grinned. “Unrealistic romance is the best kind,” she replied. “What’s the point of dreaming about it if it’s just commonplace?” Briefly, her smile faded, and when it returned, it wasn’t quite so bright. “Of course,” she murmured, “sometimes just a little romance goes a long way… but. Anyway. We’re talking about books, not…” Shaking her head, she instead glances at the book in Jess’s hand. “If that one is not to your taste, perhaps we can find one that better suits. What is it you crave - literally and literarily - today?” No, that’s not a word - but it still makes for a good pun.

What was it she craved? To know the love of another, to give her heart, body and soul to one who gave in turn. To feel the press of skin upon skin, another's lips on hers, to hear-

"Right. Books. We're talking about books. Um…" Jess bit her lip. "I guess I tend to go for the softer and sweeter variety, if you get me." 

Yet something in the Au Ra's tone struck a chord deep within her - a familiar ache, a longing to her words… 

"Wait a minute," Jess interjected, "someone as kind and soft and gorgeous as yourself, certainly you've got your fair share of romance in your life? What are you doing here in the section for hopeless losers like myself?"

Her question, of course, carried another meaning - she couldn't help but recall Thancred's words, and Ryne's pleas stop that. Maybe, just maybe, if she did the slightest bit of digging… 

Kal’istae’s laughter was soft, warm and rich and comfortable. “Aren’t you the sweetest thing? Darling, you’re no less gorgeous than myself, where’s your romance?” She shook her head at the bartender, still chuckling. “I’ve had my share of friends with whom I have shared mutual and extraordinary benefits, but I’m afraid there’s little room in my life for romance, between my work and my… extras, like dancing. And you’d be amazed at how many men and women shy away from the notion of dating a mage.”

Despite her apparent cheer, sorrow lurked beneath her words and her eyes didn't quite meet Jess’s. “Anyway, there’s no one interested in me that way in my life now, and I’m not interested in making any more… friends. Of a sexual nature, in any case, but I am very interested in making friends of a more platonic bent.” Her gaze lifted to meet Jess’s, leaving no doubt as to what exactly she meant. “Hard for a mage to find those sometimes, too. But a girl likes to have other girls to talk to.”

Jess couldn't help but smile, though there was a disappointment in her chest. So Thancred had been speaking the truth… He was smitten with her, yet she wasn't interested in him.

Of course, such things were understandable - gods knew Jess had found herself on the opposite end of that situation more than once, though her would-be-suitors were typically down on their luck hopeless sorts. 

Which, she had to admit, was an apt descriptor for herself as well. 

"Why wouldn't people like mages? Magick is all over Eorzea, almost everyone can do it. Well, I mean, everyone but me, but you get my point." She turned and motioned towards the bookstore's coffee shop - a better place to sit and chat than in the scantily-clad shirtless men section. 

But scantily-clad shirtless men are so therapeutic. Kal’istae was not adverse to joining Jess in the coffee shop. “Many people have access to their aether,” she agreed, “fewer can do much more with it than simple cantrips and household charms. Not everyone can be a conjurer, or an arcanist, or a thermautage. And those who can’t are often nervous of those who can. Or maybe it’s just me that makes them nervous.”

She followed Jess into the cafe, then stepped up to the counter to order a small cup of hot chocolate. “Do you want anything?” she offered to the bartender. “After everything we put you through the other day, the least I could do is treat you to a nice, non-alcoholic drink.” She studied the pastries in the display case. “Truth is, Jess, it’s probably not the magic. It’s probably something else. But the only thing anyone seems to want from me is sex. No one wants a relationship. And I’m tired of it. I want consistency, damn it.” Her laugh was soft and sad. “I want… well. That’s not important right now.”

When the barista came back with her hot chocolate, she pointed to a pastry, then glanced expectantly at Jess, clearly hoping the woman would take her up on her offer of a treat.

And Jess was never one to say no to a free snack. She snatched it up at the first offer, practically stuffing the entire thing in her mouth in one bite. 

"You and me both," she snorted through her mouthful. "I mean, the relationship part, anyway. Can't relate to the rest. But I highly doubt it's because anyone finds you intimidating." 

She paused to gulp, her words ringing through her ears with a pang of regret. "I, uh, I mean- no offense or anything but you're kinda… dainty? Um… as in to say, not exactly- Oh, nevermind." She pinched the bridge of her nose with a grunt. 

"I'm sorry. Thancred always said the only thing bigger than my imagination was my mouth."

A bit bemused, Kali took her hot chocolate and her pastry and moved to a table, talking as she walked. “Looks can be deceiving,” she chuckled. “I’m less dainty than I look, though I would be surprised if I could intimidate a fly physically. No. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m not as pretty as you think. I look like a kid. A doll. Who wants to romance a doll?”

She slid into a chair, lifting her face and smiling - but her smile faded away at the mention of the psychologist. “Ah. Thancred.” She spoke his name as if tasting it, rolling it on her tongue. “Right. You… you’re his sister.” She lowered her gaze and toyed with her pastry. “You must be very proud of your brother. He’s… he’s something else.” The smile that curved her lips now was equal parts affection and exasperation. “I am… more than passing fond of him, truth be told.” She tore a piece from her pastry and popped it in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “But I suppose you hear that a lot. I imagine he has plenty of girls interested in him.” She shook her head. “Not that I - uh. Hmm. You’re his sister,” she repeated, and a dull flush flooded her cheeks, turning the indigo to violet.

"But… Wait, you said you weren't interested in anybody, and no one was interested in you." Jess furrowed her brows. "But… but he said…" She brought a fist to her mouth, weighing her next words carefully - an unusual habit for her, to be sure. Gods, this was… confusing. A perfect example of why she herself didn't date.

"Um, well… I can assure you he's very very much interested - and he's in deep. Hopelessly, even. I've got receipts." She held up her tomestone to demonstrate said proof, should the other woman request it. Maybe she was meddling. Maybe she was doing Thancred a favor. She owed it to him, anyway. 

Shaking her head, Kal’istae smiled. “I said I’m not interested in another friend with benefits,” she corrected gently, “and I said no one is interested in me for a relationship. I’m very much interested in a relationship - and, forgive me, but I’m extremely interested in a relationship with your brother. He is,” she sighed, “so handsome. And sweet. And kind. And the way he cares for you and your siblings…” She trailed off with a faint smile on her lips, a dreamy, far-away look in her eyes.

A look that comes crashing back home as Jess continued. Startled, she stared at the bartender for a long, speechless moment. “I - interested in sex, yes,” she said, confused. “But you’re implying…” Her cheeks flushed again, then paled, and she wrapped her hands around her hot chocolate, seeking comfort in the warmth. “I’m sorry. I must be misunderstanding. Thancred Waters does not - they always said… I… Hmm. I knew him - his reputation - from Sharlayan,” she confessed. “He was a few years ahead of me at the Studium, but still very much a topic of conversation. He… doesn’t have girlfriends, I thought?” Despite her words, there’s a hesitant hope in her eyes.

"Trust me, I know exactly what you're talking about - that's why I lost my mind when he brought you into the bar." Jess snickered. "That means more to him than I think you realize. I've never met any of them before - I don't know that he's ever been interested in anyone long enough for us to meet."

She shrugged. "But you're different - he said as much, in words and in actions. And he's a great guy! Really! He's… got a job. He's got an apartment. He… uh… Well, he can cook. Um…" The Highlander brought a finger to her chin, desperately thinking of ways to sell the Au Ra on Thancred. "He's… a good listener? Uh, what is it people look for in relationships exactly?"

Kal’istae’s eyes crinkled at the corners as she grinned. “I think you’ve hit most of the salient points,” she said gently, “and you hardly need to sell me on your brother. I already think he’s worth the trouble - I just… you’re sure he likes me that way?” she asked, a bit plaintively. “I thought for certain all he wanted was to get in my pants. And while I might have obliged, I… well.” Huffing out a breath, she stared at her hot chocolate. “I’ve got a crush on him.” No. Really? “Gods, that sounds so high school.” Shaking her head with a helpless laugh, she looked up at Jess. “Well, they say you are what you teach. So you’re sure?”

"I heard it straight from the chocobo's beak," she nodded, holding her chin high with a feeling of pride. Had she done it? Truly? Had she won Thancred a tried and true girlfriend? It… There was no way it could be that easy. 

"I mean, I can call him and put him on speakertome if you really don't believe me, or you can read my messages. Cross my heart and hope not to die, I'm telling the truth as it's been presented to me."

For such a small thing, she really was being quite dense. 

Probably best not to count your chocobos before they’re hatched; still plenty of ways for this to go sideways. “No!” Kal’istae colored as she raised one hand. “Gods, no, that would make me melt into the floor. I don’t - I need some time to process,” she murmured. “I’m having trouble believing. Not you,” she added hurriedly, “just the situation. My luck.”

Shaking herself as though shedding water, she coughed softly. “Look, I know this is asking a lot - he’s family and I’m just someone who really wants to be your friend - but don’t say anything to him about this, or me, or what we spoke of? Not until I have a chance to figure out what to do. I need… I don’t want to fuck this up.” Are teachers allowed to say that? “I’m not chickening out, promise. I just… I need to let it simmer. We should go find you a book.” It’s almost as if she’s holding up a sign that says ‘Subject Change’.