#much needed rant

First ever rant on this account to adres my flabbergasted braincells when I discovered there is a lost Rise episode where Donnie harvests a HUMONGOUS PUMPKIN to win a pumpkin contest.

As the autistic nerd I am, I have been reading through the Rise Artbook chronologically, so it’s taken me until today to reach the Lost Episodes section.

The episode ‘Gourd Almighty’ has Donnie revealing the absolute masterpiece which is the largest and probably most poisonous pumpkin ever. He continues to blast away the wall to the lab to get it out lol. After destroying the Turtle Tank and having the pumpkin on its pristine velvet cushion fall on top of them, they use the pumpkin as a boat to cruise their way through the sewers on it …

This made me gag fr btw - the writer of this summary deserves a sticker.

AND LOOK AT THEM GOOOOO ✨✨✨

At the contest, Donnie has to carve into the pumpkin bc he traumatised the judges last year - just give this boii a prize for the largest orangest pumpkin alreadyyyy aaaaa

Stinkbomb makes an appearance, and ‘Vegetonian fruit melds’ with Donnie’s pumpkin and I lost it bc whenever Star Trek and TMNT merge in any way the nerd in me erupts like a volcano :0

And honestly just this whole part 💜😩. Donnie with his back-up-back-up plan of $6500 for any situation whatsoever - this stuff is gold

I see exhausted staff at breaking point, who still push through and stay hours after their shifts have ended as they refuse to abandon their patients. I see more shortages of key drugs than ever before. The shortages are more numerous and are lasting longer as long established companies move their business out of the UK. Importing replacements is slowed by confusion caused by the still pending Brexit.

Speaking of Brexit, I see talented, dedicated staff, who were born in the EU, who chose to come to work for the NHS look around and not feel welcome any longer. I have seen so many of them depart, to say nothing of the ones I have never had the chance to meet as they decide not to come at all.

I see a pharmacist literally dizzy with hunger as she sits down at 3pm for the first time since 8am, she's been ensuring all patients needing parenteral nutrition can receive it. It would've been easier except there aren't enough phlebotomists to take all the blood samples needed to prescribe it safely.

I see the development of new drugs stall and stop as research funding from abroad dries up.

I see staff running up and down up to 12 flights of stairs to answer a crash call. I see staff repeatedly running these stairs as there aren't enough lifts, and those available are broken or so frequently being fixed that there are even fewer available.

I see the canteen out of action and a ward being evacuated in the middle of the night due to a sewer pipe bursting. Want to bet replacing or upgrading those pipes is on the long list of maintenance jobs that are put off due to lack of funding?

I see elderly patients stuck in hospital for weeks because the social care system is in an even worse state than we in the NHS are. I see them kept in hospital so long that they catch infections.

I see patients who have attempted suicide sent home with a phone number to call and their name added to an extensive waiting list, because we need the bed. Then I see them come again later in the month. I worry for the ones I don't see again.

I see the patients admitted due to their dependence on alcohol or illicit drugs. There are support services in the community, but these too are so overloaded and underfunded that it becomes a fire-fighting exercise. And we are dealing with the burns of those they can't help.

I see the homeless patients who are admitted with hypothermia in winter and heat stroke in summer. I've seen staff go out and buy, with their own (meager) wages, socks and shoes for patients without them. As we couldn't bear to send a patient back out into the cold without any.

I've seen patients with chronic illnesses like asthma, admitted with entirely preventable symptoms, because they had to decide between paying the prescription charge or buying food.

I've seen the junior doctors fight and fight for better working conditions and for them to be ignored.

I am so bisexual that it hurts sometimes. Hahaha not me tho. It hurts others. Oh well, too bad, I'm bi bi bi

Parades get raided by the police? Still bi.

Scholarships of students are cut on the grounds that they've attended pride protests? It's almost as if I'm even more bi.

Don't think I'm bi enough bc I've never kissed a girl? Congrats, I'm upgraded to a shy bi.

"it's not a nature thing. You choose to be bi, you can unchoose it"? Well, imma just choose it again then, I choose to be bi lol

"You live in a semi-conservative Muslim country, wouldn't it be easier to just... Pretend you're straight?" Nop, too bi to cope :)

And then there’s the anxious feeling like something is wrong and i just feel so down and unmotivated and exhausted.

I feel so meh and it’s not even like i have aby problems or any stressful stuff (other than school & summer sem) so idk what is wrong with me. Plus, i keep getting on and off migraines which just bugs me a lot.

I also feel so unhappy with myself especially my body. I hate that i’ve let myself get this fat and how i have no discipline and how having nice legs and losing weight has been my goal for years but here i am getting thicker thighs. Having a pear-shaped body is so hard because it means my thighs are the victim and it’s probably one of the hardest places to lose weight in.

I also feel so ugly and unattractive especially when I have to go out of the house. Just so dissatisfied and conscious of how I look sigh. Don’t like that i can’t fit into my jeans, that it’s so hard to find nice new clothes are modest, that i feel like i look so terrible and fat and unkempt in the clothes that i have but buying new clothes is hard and not any better.

then there’s makeup and my skin and how i don’t have much knowledge and interest in makeup but i should because my skin is getting worse and i feel very conscious of how not pretty i look without makeup. like can people see how bad my eyebags are or how my skin is? do i look unattractive? and with people around me going crazy on sephora spending on makeup and talking and raving on makeup i feel so left out and insecure because all i settle for is a simple cushion, powder and lip balm??? but i really have no interest in spending so much time and effort i just want to hide my eyebags and look decent and presentable. that’s all but idk again i feel like i can’t even achieve that.

i hate that i’ve gotten so conscious of myself and i dislike not being comfortable in my own skin. i also dislike feeling this envy when i go on my instagram feed and see people travelling and having fun everywhere. i’m also envious of people with significant others who adore them. i want my own special person too. i want someone to have deep, meaningful conversations with, inside jokes, a connection, butterflies in my stomach. it made me realise that i’ve never really had a serious relationship or someone i’ve really loved and adored. i’ve never really felt or experienced anything i’ve seen in dramas or movies and it makes me wonder if it’s a myth or something that’s too romanticized. idk i just wish i had my own special person but it’s okay because i know the time will come eventually. meanwhile, this is my time to grow and love myself and be happy.

i am living a good, comfortable life and i have so many things to be thankful for. i am honestly very satisfied with my life and family, friends and school.

My anxiety and stress have been on the surface a lot the past couple weeks and spill into tears whenever I think about it.  Im ruining friendships around me. Ive pushed Zac away because of my insecurities and idk if the damage I caused is repairable.  I dont blame him for being done with my shit.  Because frankly I’m done with my shit too.  All of my anxiety is making me way too self conscious about how others view me. It’s a double-edged sword. Im tearing myself apart, analyzing every little thing I do. I’m ruining one of the few friendships at school that keep me together because i can’t keep that and my hormones in check.  I hate Tinder so finding someone is difficult unless I go to the bars and socialize.  Good thing I have social anxiety too.    

I never realized how much i depended on the company of my friends to quiet the voices in my head. I no longer feel comfortable being alone because i’m scared of my thoughts and what i might do to myself. I need to find myself again.  Shes been lost for a handful of months and I need her back.  All i wanna do is apologize for the person I am to be around just because im having such a hard time this semester. It’s just easier for me to distance myself from conversations for their sanity.

Its not fair to me or anyone else for that matter.  I constantly have to remind myself it’s going to be okay, because it is.  But my worry and stress overpower anything I tell myself and the tears flow regardless of what I say.  I miss Tosh like fucking crazy.  Having her as my roommate was the best thing to happen to me throughout college.  The happiest I’ve been all semester was when Tosh, Ashley, and Denise visited me for my birthday. I can’t wait to go home to see them.   I wanna see a therapist when I’m home but I can’t even tell my mom about my anxiety because to her it can all be avoided.  She doesn’t understand.

Only things keeping me remotely happy and distracted are comics, the fact it’s October, Halloween is around the corner, and Dr. Strange is coming out soon.