#mstmd

She was in pain, slowly dying.

I was alone with her as I watch her suffer on the hospital bed.

I was holding back my tears. 

“Not now, you’re still not home, you need to be strong” I keep telling myself while holding back my tears.

I was beside her, she was unconscious but writhing in pain.

I’m trying to hold her still while whispering to her, “Please don’t move, you need to rest”

Heart rates dropping, Oxygen levels lowering, she was flat-lining, and I was watching.

I was told to go out, and prepare for the worst.

Doctor came out told me this is the 5th cycle, after this they couldn’t continue.

“I guess this is the end” - I convinced myself.

The nurse came out, saying she somehow got revived.

I went back to see her again..

She was...in much more pain.

My knees suddenly got weak

My tears being held back but about to fall out.

But again I stopped myself, for I still need to be strong for her sake

I looked at her face, difficulty breathing, suffering, and slowly dying.

I held her hand, colder, but still has some warmth to it.

My hand was shaking, my mind is breaking, I wanted to break down and cry but I couldn’t.

I went close to her ear and whispered to her: 

“I love you, you know that. I hope you do.”

My voice was starting to shake, I looked at her face again, gasping hard for air, in pain.

“It’s ok if you don’t wanna fight anymore, you can rest now” - I thought in my mind of telling her. But I was too weak to tell her. I knew I wasn’t ready for that.

“They’re going to visit you tomorrow ok? So rest well and we can meet them” - I told her one last time then the doctor told me I need to wait outside again.

I went out, trying as hard as I can to not think about the current situation, distracting myself.

Around 2 hours later I was called by the nurse. “Your mom, we tried our best but she’s gone now”

For a second, my entire world crumbled.

I just wanted to break down and cry. 

“Not yet” I convinced myself in that moment.

“Oh...I see that’s too bad, so what’s the next step I should do?” - It was fake I tried to act strong, calm and composed. It worked but the more I tried to hide it the more it was breaking me inside

I was told to wait until the papers are released.

I sat there waiting, feeling empty.

I didn’t care about anything anymore.

I don’t feel anything

I just wanted to go home