#moringottocakecrack

Melkor: I have always dreamt of having my own garden Gnome

Mairon: But we have no garden.

Mairon: What mess, my Lord?

Melkor: Everything after Eru hated my musical improvisations.

Mairon: But who is to torment and conquer the Elves?

Melkor: Fëanor's brood is more than qualified for that job.

Mairon: And where are we to sail in the Void?

Everything is organised by the Angband Housekeeping and Maintanance Committee. Mairon assists and advises them.

Melkor, Mairon and Gothmog are the main front-facing entities engaging with the outside world, so that anyone else does not have to bother with it.

Any elf, human, other entity that is captured after a war or in any other manner is taken in to be gradually on-boarded to take their place in the the Angband Administrative Services.

The above mentioned Angband Housekeeping and Maintenance Committee is one of the steering committees of this Fortress-Wide Administration.

Orcobal, chapmpion of the Orcs, was always elected to serve as chair Orc of the Committee, because no one else was willing to frequently deal with those sloppy lovey-dovey Dark Lords in charge of PR and Strategy or outside affairs.

Gothmog and the Orcs Balcmeg, Lug, and Othrod take most of the responsibility for organizing Angbands armed forces. Some disgruntled elves even wholeheartedly joined their military leadership.

None of any captured Elves, Humans, Dwarves, and other beings expected an onboarding quite like that of Angband Administration. They were captives, but they were given competitive career opportunities and compensation packages most had not even heard of before.

Maltreatment and oppressive systems of slavery have proven to be to costly. A more supportive and people-oriented policy had proven to triple productivity and morale. Also, the food tasted better when cooked by enthusiastic chefs from different species and cultures.

Mairon as Angband Administration's head advisor and support Maia invented agile work routines. Everyone else who came afterwards is a copycat.

Melkor's main reason for even having a throne to sit on is because he hates standing up during "standup" meetings. Anone else wishing to be seated is also provided with a chair.

Maeglin actually revealed the location of Gondolin to Melkor out of his own spiteful volition. Yet he managed to outwit Angband Security Services and returned to his uncle's side after hating all the meetings and too cheerful team events Angband's smithies and weapon forges held. At least he no longer had to be one of those "plan keeping lords" and go to "merry-talk-about-meetings" in Gondolin!

Speaking of chairs, Hurin was sent outside to sit on the Mountain because he became unmanageable. Despite the enemy's propaganda, Angband Administration built a cosy little stone cottage for the captured human military leader to reside in.

Hurin was afforded full room- and housekeeping services. Melkor personally requested for that "headache of a human" to be given little perks like turndown service in the evening to freshen up the bed and place a small snack on the pillow.

The big chair was merely Melkor's experiment at making a fancy patio chair for his enemy. There was even removable and washable padding made for it by Orcobal himself.

Dispite all the VIH (Very Important Human) treatment, Hurin's stroppy behavior did render him to remain an enemy and therefore did have to watch his family's demise from the comfort of his cottage and patio chair. So much of what we read in the Silmarillion is true.

Angband has it's own beauty salon Mairon set up to give reluctant Elves a reason to like it "just enough to do their jobs" and stall their attempts to escape.

Angband's leadership prefers lulling everyone in with perks, benefits, lots of encouragement and enablement for an individual's talents and desires for development.

Mairon continued to honour this policy when he made his own seat of power in Mordor.

Many who had served in Angband Admnistration and especially the Housekeeping and Maintenance Committee were transferred to Mordor after Mairon found them hiding out in secret caves and crevices, keeping up their routines, waiting for "PR and Consulting" to finally return.

They became the Mordor Administrative Directorate, and the Housekeeping and Maintenance Committee of Barad-Dûr.

Some of those administrative-minded beings have survived until this day and are engaged in century-long negotiantions with Crablor as one of the other last holdouts of Middle-Earth.

Melkor: Turn off the light, I want to sleep

Mairon: I need it on

Melkor: Why do you need the light on while we are sleeping?

Mairon: Because of your socks.

Melkor: Pray tell, what do my socks have to do with needing the light on at night, dear Lieutenant?

Mairon: Since you so much enjoy decorating our parquet with your socks, I require sufficient visual information to avoid them when seeking out the powderroom at night.

Melkor: Just borrow my crown and light your way.

Mairon: Oh no! (calculating silence) Wait!

Melkor: Yes?

Mairon: I shall commission a painting of me utilizing your Silmarils for this purpose. For good measure.

Melkor: And I shall send that painting to Manwë! He will get his knickers in a twist over it. I see it already!

Mairon: House Bauglir at Angband, who calls?

Námo: It's Námo, from Mandos. Your husband is on the run and I need his cooperation.

Mairon: After you imprisoned him? Why on Arda should he heed your wishes?

Námo: Listen, after your Hubby stole three shiny gemstones from an upstart Noldo, now most of the Noldor have become ungovernable.

Mairon: Good for them.

Námo: And I just got back from casting my doom upon those unmanageable Elves. I promised them all sorts of horrible fates. Now Angband must deliver. Do your worst!

Mairon: We are not obliged to do anything at your behest, since Angband does not render Doom as a Service.

Námo: Now don't get fresh with me, young Maia, and get me Melkor.

Mairon covers the receiver and shouts over to Melkor who is still recovering from Ungoliant in the bedroom: "Mandos wants us to "do our worst" when the Noldor arrive."

Melkor from the bedroom: Tell Námo that I will now welcome those Noldor with grace and kindness. He can bog off!"

Mairon, uncovering the receiver: Melkor is unavailable but I can tell you that he wants you to bog off and that we are looking forward to welcoming the Noldor as our honored guestes."

Melkor, from the Bedroom: "I might even throw in some Silmarils!

Mairon: Námo? Do you hear?

Námo: Yes.

Mairon: Melkor wants me to let you know that he considers gifting back those stones everyone is upset about.

Námo: You rebellious little imp!

Mairon: All in a day's work!

Slams the receiver down and joins Melkor in Bed for a cuddle.

Sauron: (cackling) I am bad, I will always be bad! And I shall bind everyone with my badness in the darkness!

Random German: Um, actually...

Sauron: Who are you, puny human??

German: I am a punny German and I regret to inform you, that our bathrooms are in fact, Bäder.(*)

Sauron: Preposterous! How dare a simple chamber for washing your hröa be as bad as I am!? Then I must be worse!

German: Entschuldigung, but we in Germany already have the Wurst.

Sauron: You are nothing!

German (Seeing themselves out): Das, lieber Sauron, ging ins Auge!(**) (Skedaddles off)

Translations below

Melkor would be that gleeful asshat to drive through your nabourhood at 3 am with a roaring engine to wake everyone up.

If Melkor and Mairon were to create offspring, that entity would be a magnificent, reality defying eldritch abomination that burps the flame imperishable every time it has accreted too much nourishment.