#morethantwo

"You seem lost," my mother began.

For the fourth time in two weeks I mentioned my two primary dating partners and for the fourth time she gave me 'the look'.

'You seem lost.'

What does that even mean? I was unsure so I asked her to clarify. Was it the Polyamory I was exploring?  Was it my impending divorce mixed with cereal dating? Was it my lack of celibacy?  

As it turned out it was all three.

Upon the destruction of my eight-year-long relationship and subsequent divorce, I was expected to take a break from relationships. Sadly for my mother, I don't like celibacy. I like dating and I had been emotionally separated from my husband for at least a year, hell, maybe longer. I had no emotional ties to him other than friendship. Yes, I was grieving my life and the changes but ultimately I was happy to be free. My ex and I stayed friends, we communicated well and things were amicable.  

"You seem lost."

Her eyes were sad and worried. Concern exuded from her and it made my heart hurt. My heart hurt because this was normal. It was the norm for my mother to worry about my relationships and the addition of Polyamory was strange to her. Two men sharing a woman and being happy about it was unheard of where I'm from. I tried to explain that they were happy, that I was happy but I'm not sure how much got through. For the first time in my entire life, I didn't have to choose and that was spectacular. My needs were being met on all sides. I had two amazing human beings that were willing to share and communicate between themselves, it was perfect.

How did I explain that Polyamory made me feel free where monogamy left me fighting for air? How did I explain that these two fantastic humans were both mine? How did I convince her that together they made me feel more contented, secure and wanted than any one person ever had? Yes, it was early days. Yes, it could fall apart but I didn't need to DTR (That's Define The Relationship. I was enjoying their time; their company and hoped that they would like to continue this way.

"You seem lost."

The words forced an ache through my chest but I understood, she couldn't see what I saw. The freedom Polyamory lent me, the options and doors it opened.  No, my life wouldn't be 'normal' ever again; my life would make me a target for gossip and disapproval. I saw in that sentence her worry for me and what I would have to endure. That sentence said 'I don't really understand, I'm trying but I don't want you to hurt again'. So, I swallowed my hurt and said the only thing I could think of to reassure her.

"I'm happy, I'll be okay."

There’s a polycule called “triad” and another called “closed triad.” (I get my definitions from morethantwo.com)

POLYCULE: A romantic network, or a particular subset of relationships within a romantic network, whose members are closely connected. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings often resemble the depiction of molecules used in organic chemistry.

TRIAD: 1. A polyamorous relationship composed of three people. 2. A union or group of three. Usage: In the sense of Def. 1, generally, the word triad is most often applied to a relationship in which each of the three people is sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members of the triad, as may be the case in a triad consisting of one man and two bisexual women or one woman and two bisexual men; however, it is sometimes also applied to vee relationships

Just three people, one big hug, and all the love in the world.