#blackpolyamory

It's kind of dating we all love!

just felt like getting on here & talking....or typing. 

looking forward to a school trip out of town tomorrow. 

onyx will be with lion for his birthday this weekend. I have been racking my brain thinking of things to keep me busy & hopefully my mind occupied. I’ll be working so I’ll try to make the best out of that, I just need to find things to do before and after. 

Im still trying to find my own lane/space in all of this. Some days are harder than others. I heard the tradition process from mono to poly can be long and hard tho. I still can't believe how insecure I am at times. Its frustrating and frightening. Sometimes I feel I’ll never find my own self. Never be confident enough. Or just enough for myself. Most times I just feel alone. I want to get to a place where polyamory isn't something Im trying to make it through. I want the freedom to just live my life & let others live theirs. 

Im still not dating. At this point Im kinda indifferent to it. I guess more than anything I would like more like-minded women friends. Im really looking forward to a future musical creation purchase to have something enjoyable to do with my alone time at home because I don't always have a budget to go out and be entertained. I kinda wish more people talked to us on here lol. Then again we don't blog as often as we did at first. Hopefully this resonates with someone. 

felt it was only right to blog tonight in celebration of lovers day.

today was everything I hoped for. great food, onyx, sunlight (79 degrees), and awesome DIY gifts. We also had my niece today to add a little fun into the mix.

our poly is still growing and stretching. 

I got a chance to hang with lion the other day & I really enjoyed his company. we watched battle rap videos! one of my fave pastimes lol. I really see why they enjoy each others company so much & it urges me more than ever to give them the space to blossom.

I want them to blossom without my fear. I am learning more than anything to take ownership over my emotions. writing and reading previous writings helps me track my growth and thought process.

I've been thinking about the idea of companionship & what it means to me. I will write about that one day, or night.

Tomorrow she is having valentines day with lion. More than anything Im ready to put theory into action.

I heard love was an action word.

Happy Valentines Day =)

wanted to do a brief update. 

we're doing grand. enjoying life & love. preparing for valentines day(one of onyx's favorite holiday). Im sure you guys will get the spiel for that. 

ps. slight name change. our tumblr friends will catch on ;)

decided to blog because why not. onyx said I should blog through my feelings. even though my feelings are usually jealousy or insecurity. Im pretty spent with writing about the same emotions all the time.

today has been blah. i work retail, & though I love what I sell, my customers are spoiled Americans. blah. not all. I gave my family/friends discount to two customers which really made their holiday. 

i had a bit of a depression bout. i have meds but I would like to get to the root of my pain/sadness which seems like mission impossible at times. 

i know it is hard on onyx since she just wants to fix me so bad. Im looking forward to counseling and getting more into making music soon as an outlet. until then I may have to use the meds to somewhat stabilize me. 

i saw what onyx got lion for xmas and got jealous. Im not doing polyamory right. & I don't know how to start doing it right. I text him today to check on him. Of course no response. I really have little motivation to continue to build a relationship with him. Thats how he is, & thats how he shall remain in my book. 

i like the gift I got from her. 30 days of yoga. =) that will really come in handy. Im trying to feel better. I just know how I treat her at times just pushes her away. most times I feel alone. at least she has someone else. i have my thoughts. 

i don't even think Im okay enough to be in another relationship. most times i don't feel equipped enough to do this one correctly. I've become abusive in ways. thats never been me & i don't know how to turn around. 

if anyone has any encouraging words they are greatly appreciated. i keep telling onyx i don't want polyamory anymore. i don't want the negative feelings that I get from it but I don't want to take away her happiness. 

i need a nap. 

getting tacos from my fave spot. Today was hard & I slipped pretty hard. Anxiety & literally everything that comes with it. Tired of her dates triggering this. Tired of blaming her dates on my own triggers. Tired of myself. I need to get myself together & I have no clue where to begin. sigh. Trying to look forward to tomorrow being a fresh start. Im sure she'll take me out tomorrow. Im sure I'll feel like its a pity date. I don't deserve her & she doesn't deserve this type of poly. got new meds that Im sure I wont take since they solve symptoms & not problems. Im sure I have an invisible sticker on my forehead that says "run away". Im having a hard time finding my own way & worth. & it seems I only struggle when She is with him. Not sure how that works. Maybe counseling will help.