#moondoggiestyle

i always have many many many many fic thoughts in my brain and i’m trying to think of one i haven’t shared with you yet!! i think a lot about an au that is more a premise and less of a plot, so i don’t think i’ll ever write it, that me and @cactusandfir talked about a while ago.

fate is hockey fate of course but i kinda wonder if the fates mixed up the 2015 draft because like connor and dylan and mitch seem destined for each other’s teams. connor could’ve done without the weight of a franchise, and mitch could’ve done with a place far away from home, and dylan could’ve done with a team where he knows people (and a team that had a young presence) already. what i’m saying is that i think a lot about a world where connor went to arizona, dylan went to toronto, and mitch went to edmonton, and how it feels like it could’ve been more of a fit. phoenix isn’t a hockey town, and i think it would do a lot for connor’s nerves to not have to play where gretzky’s name is so entwined. that legacy is heavy!! meanwhile, staying closer to home and playing on such a young n talented line seems right up dylan’s alley, plus he’s got travis dermott there to be a friend. on the total opposite side of the spectrum, mitch should’ve gotten distance a little. i know playing for a hometown team is a big amazing thing but what if!! he could’ve gotten to stretch his wings a little more!! what could’ve happened!! there is no plot so i won’t write it but it’s fun to play around in

OH. you’ll appreciate this one. wjc werewolves (cc: @workingforitallthetime)!! i was reading about how the canada team spent like 52 days together and had the whole rollercoaster of emotions playing the tournament, losing the tournament, and then almost immediately flying away, and just like. that’s SO MUCH. after almost TWO MONTHS of that bonding, to just LEAVE after such a LOSS (or a win). OUCHIE. SEPARATION ANXIETY. WHAT IF WE ADDED WOLFPACK DYNAMICS INTO IT. 

Louis locks himself up in his bathroom to watch it. It makes no sense, since he's alone anyway, but he can't help himself, can't shake the adolescent shame at the idea of being caught doing something that feels so intensely private.

 Harry looks both hauntingly young and impossibly older from one frame to the next. Jamaica shows him with more stubble than Louis’s ever seen him with, constantly disheveled in a way that feels more genuine than anything Harry has shared of himself for years. It fills Louis with yearning, with wanting to be a part of it, even though he doesn’t even really know what “it” is yet. 

Wanting to be a part of Harry’s life is an absurd emotion, something he thought he’d gotten rid of years ago. Something he should have long ago outgrown.

 The hiatus made it easier to convince himself that was true.

 But the documentary shows Louis’s lies for what they are, easily undone by a simple shot of Harry grinning into the camera, pink lips and shining eyes.

 It’s always been so infuriatingly easy.

 He's got to pause the video when Harry talks about the band. Their band. He didn't expect it to hurt, but it does, the ache physical, pulling at Louis’s bones from the inside. Harry sits there, pretending that the pressure wasn’t destroying them, gnawing at their souls bit by bit. Talks about never faking it, making Louis wonder how many people are going to buy into it, take him at his word, no matter how absurd such a claim is, how many times they had to fake it, fake a smile, a hug, or an entire friendship.

 There was a lot of love in the band, there still is. But there’s a lot fame took away, too.

 Maybe Harry really never had to fake it.

 It didn’t feel that way, back then.

 The documentary moves away from the band, and Louis feels himself breathe a little easier, leaning back against the bathtub where he’s sitting on the dirty bath mat, phone precariously perched on his bent knees.

 Harry gets his hair cut on-screen, because of course he did, and Louis allows himself a smile as Harry grins at his mum. It’s nice, seeing him that happy. It’s bittersweet, too, because he never really looked that happy at the end, not like he does now.

 The music is amazing, but not as amazing as watching Harry singing it, his entire being so clearly thrown into it, face twisting with every bend of the songs, body vibrating with it. Louis’s enthralled, letting himself stare in a way he hasn’t in years, drinking Harry in like he’s parched for it.

 There used to be a time when he didn’t feel the need to pretend to anyone that he wasn’t parched for it. Certainly not to himself.

 He’s got to pause the video again when Harry starts talking about his guitarist. The way Harry looks at him… the glint of adoration in his eyes… Louis’s seen it all before, a lifetime ago, seen it directed at himself, even though the face beaming up at him was softer and framed by unruly curls.

 It hurts more than the band talk did. Hurts enough that Louis flips his phone shut in the middle of it, narrowly stopping himself from throwing it across the tiled floor.

 Part of him wants to warn that guy, to tell him not to give into it. He can see it on his face; the sheer bewilderment at being the object of Harry’s devotion. That little shy dismissive laughter, the twitching of the lips, repressed grins when you think you still have a grip on this.

 From the video, though, Louis knows it's already too late.

 He remembers, as clearly now as he did back then. The feel of Harry giggling against his shoulder, the soft touch of Harry’s fingers sliding under his t-shirt (just a touch, nothing to read into it, nothing at all). The caress of wet lips against his neck, and brushing it off with a laugh, telling himself it's nothing, just puppy play.

 Leaning into it, into him, into whatever is on offer, until suddenly you find yourself craving for more, gasping against Harry’s mouth and more fucking vulnerable than you’ve ever let yourself be in your entire life.

 He wants to warn that guy, that Mitch, that if the fans don’t ruin it, then Harry will. That no matter how many times Harry gives himself to him, he’ll always slip right through Mitch’s fingers in the end, as easily as he spilled into them.

 Of course, he won’t. Cannot, anyway, because Mitch clearly would have no idea who Louis really is, has probably been kept blissfully oblivious to that part of Harry’s life. Starting new, Harry had said, or something close to it.

 Louis got over it, anyway. Got over it so well he’s sitting on his bathroom floor, his fingers shaking, his cheeks prickling with tears he refuses to wipe away because wiping them would mean accepting he’s cried at all, and he hasn’t.

 He got over it, and that Mitch guy will get over it too, as will all the ones that will follow him.

 It gets easier after that. Louis gets lost into the music, unbothered by the allusions to Harry’s hook-ups; it's never been about that, really, always has been way more complicated than that. Louis’s always known how to deal with jealousy. What he’s never known how to deal with is the piece of his heart Harry took away and never fucking gave back, not even once he was done keeping it like a shiny trinket.

 The end of the video sneaks up on him, 50 minutes of his life gone in a flash, his bum suddenly sore from sitting on the bathroom floor for so long, legs cramped from staying so still. They show Harry and Mitch cuddling on a couch, Harry belting out song lyrics while Mitch stays plastered against his armpit, and the easy familiarity of Mitch’s fingers wrapped around Harry’s wrist makes Louis feel like he’s looking at alternate versions of themselves.

It’s heartwarming in a cruel selfish way, knowing someone else will get through it all.

He shuts his phone for good after the credits end, and pretends that he’s not going to watch it again.

 He’s good at pretending.

YES OF COURSE!!!

1. first impression: omg!! i was so impressed by you and i wanted to be your friend REAL BAD. you’re extremely funny and come up with such clever aus !!

2. truth is: not only that but you’re so incredibly kind and encouraging and cool and i love you!!!

3. how old do you look: uhhhh your age

4. have you ever made me laugh: oh my god all the time!!!! i’ve had to explain to people why i’m laughing after you’ve texted me so many times

5. have you ever made me mad: not at all

6. best feature: you are the most encouraging person and just SO incredibly talented and creative. you have such a keen grasp of personalities and an amazing way of putting scenarios together. also you’re so kind!!!

7. have I ever had a crush on you: nope!

ahh thank you bb! "tenderest omegaverse east of the mississippi" is a WIP that i'm co-writing (WIP amnesty pls) with @thermocrying, so i let them pick the snippet! a big part of us talking about it was what various omega heat behavior & rituals would be like so we paid extra attention to nest building!

valtteri/charles a/b/o below the cut

i was tagged by sweetest @starmotions in the meme where you put your shuffle on and write down the first 10 songs that come on, like. i fully did this once and tumblr ate the post so r.i.p. to those first 10 songs, these are the second 10 songs.

Ode To My Family - The Cranberries

000000 - A.CHAL

Motley Crew - THEY.

Chan Chan - Buena Vista Social Club

Purple Yellow Red and Blue - Portugal. The Man

Hot Girl - Megan Thee Stallion

Moon River - Frank Ocean

I Been On (Homecoming Live) - Beyoncé

Burns (Edit) - George FitzGerald

Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups

sure it’s not a very cohesive playlist so far as a ~vibe goes 😂 i used my spotify liked songs for this which is sort of a weird, small-ish collection of songs bc i only heart songs if i’ve gone through an obsessive period of looping them for multiple days. so. i mean. at least those are all songs that i really enjoy!

i made this into a playlist here bc i rly enjoy communing around music so like if you check any out and like them let’s talk about it maybe?