#monish

당신은 어떤 투자자입니까?

In almost all companies I’ve worked for, the designer is said to be “the user’s advocate.”  He/she is supposed to know what people want. “Hey guys, we need a UX designer in here to help with understanding what users need.” While that is a nice ego-massage, that thinking is wrong. Eve...

Firstly I love the typo “public hair”. Maybe we should call it that; public hair and private hair. I know what you’re referring to, I just love that. that happened. haha Moving on.

Ok, yes! This is a great question. So we’re referring to Chris and my discussion on the bush/no bush debate, and Dennis in my ever-argument about the power of clothes.

Bear in mind, this answer is only my opinion. That said, it is an opinion based off my mantra:Expect the respect you give others, (The Midas Rule). So, I’m just going to continue answering as if you agree with me on this mantra.

Yes, I do think that your example is the same basic offense. And I will address why in two parts. The two key words I take away from your question are the words “better” and “pressure”. And I will address your question with those two themes.

PRESSURE. When I hear “pressure”, I hear coercion, I hear manipulation, I hear MINE as opposed to THEIRS. You can have preferences, as in personal preferences… But those preferences should not take precedence over the rights and preferences of your partner.

Let’s take Chris, for example. He prefers to be shaven. I prefer to not be. In fact, I prefer if my partners don’t shave. I think the aftermath is prickly and unnecessary. My preference, however has no relevance to his life or his preferences. I would never say “You should really shave, because that’s what I like,” because that’s not what I like. I like people, I like the person. And as long as their actions don’t negatively effect me or them, they can do whatever the fuck they want. So, I might mention if his hair irritates me, as that would effect me, but that would be a discussion about compromise or options, not “change” or a “bettering” FOR me.

BETTER. When I hear “better”, I hear “I don’t like you for who you are”, “you need to change, not for you, but for me”. If your partner was doing something that was detrimental to either themself or you, than yes, they can be better. By partners, you are, by definition accountability partners, and should expect betterment from each other. But, you need to figure out how to be a better person, and not better for someone else.

I am not better than Chris because I don’t shave my pubes. I am better than Chris because I do not determine worth off of some cosmetic preference. 

To belabor the point, let’s bring up Dennis. Dennis’ closet I found hilarious because it was like the Charlie Brown closet; just a rack full of the exact same shirt and pants. The plaid maybe varied in color schemes, but essentially the same thing. Maybe obviously, I do not prefer a closet like that. My closet is a vomit of rainbow and the eighties. Does that mean I prefer that he have the same fashion? No. His fashion is his choice and I respect it, and quite like it, because I like(d) him.

Monish wore virtually nothing but sport clothes, quite literally the antithesis to my fashion. But that is him, not me.

Again, I am not better than Dennis or Monish because of my fashion. I am better than Dennis and Monish because I respect people. 

Now, there is a way to go about your predicament, about facial hair, if we want to continue the example, from a Midas Rule approach. 

It’s called talking about it.

I’ll use Monish again, as an example. When we first started dating, Monish would shave his chest before he was coming to see me. We already know my feelings about shaven body hair. So after a couple times experiencing the prickliness, I asked him why he did it. If that is how he preferred to look, if that is how he felt best, I could deal. Or was willing to discuss a middle ground. But in discussing it, I found out he was just doing it for me under the impression that I found it more attractive. When I told him I didn’t and rather preferred that he not put effort into something as cosmetic as that, especially when sometimes uncomfortable, he stopped. We met at a middle ground. Easy peasy.

Even in the case of “bettering” your partner, there’s a more respectful approach.

A conversation is just as effective if perhaps your partner wears a tank top that they refer to as a “wife beater” and you have a discussion about the negative and sexist overtones that has and how to better refer to it, or choose another article of clothing to avoid the issue altogether.You can talk about if your partners choice of clothing on job interviews is negatively effecting their success. Please note how important communication is, in all this.

But pressuring, and trying to better your partner to your preferences makes them, well not your partner, but your property.

And I’ll repeat, because this is important, this should not be confused with betterment and growth over time. I hope that you and your partner grow better over time, and that means seeing your partner change. And as partners, you do hold each other accountable to constantly strive to be better people and grow. But telling your partner to grow a beard FOR YOU or to be BETTER is offensive. That’s saying “I don’t care about you or how you prefer to identify yourself, you belong to me and you do what I say because otherwise you don’t have me.” That’s saying “I don’t like you for you, I like you as an object.” 

That is offensive. And I would drop a partner like a rotten egg upon the first whiff of both the pressuring or the lack of ability to communicate instead of pressuring.

Monish (Pronounced: Ma•nish)← Verb.: to warn or notify; especially of danger or evil.