#moerae

Sirius dreams of little things. His cousin Bella arguing with her sister Andi over who owns the mink throw that Bella wore to Cissy’s birthday dinner. He dreams of playing with Regulus. He dreams of Cissy’s quiet frowns when Sirius acts out. He dreams of Bella teaching him how to blast Kreacher with a sharp flick and a muttered word.

Remus's name is the first name that Sirius dreams outside of a family member. Remus's name has been on the tip of his tongue since he was six years old. When he is eight, Sirius dreams of Moony. He dreams of grey vision and tall grass and trees, he dreams of running with a wolf and feeling love and peace and joy. It is only when he is nine that he dreams that Remus the boy and Moony the wolf are the same.

James comes next. At eight years old, Sirius has one younger brother, but he is thrilled when he dreams of another brother. One that Sirius knows will make him intensely happy, but only for a brief time. Sirius doesn’t know how, but in that time James will shape his world. At ten, he learns Jaidev and Prongs are other names for James like Moony is another name for Remus.

Sirius dreams of James and of Remus. He dreams of learning bits of Hindi and bits of Welsh and throwing them together in the same sentence until his brother and his Remus laugh with tears in their eyes. There’s a shadow on the edge of the dreams and sometimes he laughs, sometimes he speaks in an indecipherable tone.

The week before Hogwarts, Sirius can't sleep, can't eat. He does nothing but cries for three days. Then for the last four days, he tries, but no tears come. Sirius knows, and he tells Regulus this, he knows that he will be so happy, then there are nine instances of suffering and then twelve years of misery. Regulus asks if the misery is why Sirius is crying, but Sirius doesn't know the answer. He can't answer that.

Sirius enters Hogwarts excited to learn about magic and spells. The first week is awful. He and James are friends, but Sirius can't seem to let go of him and James needs Sirius to back off because they’ve just met. Sirius struggles with this for most of his first year. James is/was/will be his brother- so why doesn't James want to spend all day with him.

Remus is even worse. Sirius tries to charm him out of his shell but it’s like pulling teeth with his bare hands. The harder he tries, the more Remus curls into himself. Remus doesn’t speak a full sentence to Sirius until late spring. But Sirius adjusts and their friendships fall together like it should. Sirius tries to stop dreaming.

Peter is a sore spot for Sirius from the moment they meet. Peter feels like poking at a loose tooth and wondering when it will fall out. Sirius chalks this up to jealousy and the realization that Peter will outlive all others but Remus. He won't be happy, or unhappy. But he will live and Sirius can think of no fate worse than living without experiencing life.

When he lays eyes on Snape, Sirius knows on sight, that Snape will make him do something awful. Sirius doesn't know what it is, but Sirius hates him immediately. James doesn't understand.  Sirius doesn't know how to explain that he gets these feelings that are always right but that can't be explained, but James follows along in tormenting Snape.

Halfway through the school year, Sirius dreams of James and Lily’s wedding. When Sirius is 12, he dreams of knowing that James has been killed. He dreams of screaming, "Traitor!" until his voice is gone and all he can do is laugh and cry. He dreams of blaming himself and losing himself in sorrow and terror and rage. He’s so scared of what he Saw that he doesn’t dream like that again until after the Prank.

Then, all Sirius wants to know is if Remus will forgive him. But instead, he knows that in seventeen years, he will kneel at Remus’s feet and cry. Remus will whisper, “Oh, I forgave you a long time ago,” in his ear.

Sirius doesn’t try again until little Hari’s first birthday. Dumbledore has approached James and Lily about the Fidelis Charm and Sirius wants to know if it will work. He opens his Eye and dreams for a long time.

When he wakes, he is shaking and in pain with a heavy tongue, a growing pit in his stomach and makes a decision. Sirius is the obvious choice for Secret Keeper. But this plan cannot fail if someone else is made the secret keeper. Remus is out because he has not been around for months. Sirius recommends Peter because Peter has stayed out of the war and has been tending to his ailing mother. The pit in his stomach grows larger, but Sirius chalks it up to anxiety.

Halloween night, Sirius finds out that even this plan has failed to keep his brother alive.

He gives his bike to Hagrid, says goodbye to baby Hari, and tries to kill Peter in supplication to James and Lily.

It doesn’t work. Peter escapes and Sirius is sent to Azkaban.

He wants to tell Remus, but Sirius knows that while Remus will forgive any sins that Sirius confesses, the rest of the world is not as kind. So he keeps his mouth shut and never says a word.

Sirius has never tried to hone his Sight, never tried to strengthen his blood-borne ability. But in Azkaban, he has nothing but time. Most of what he Sees is bleak, but he chalks that up to the presence of the Death Eaters. It takes two years before he Sees anything other than the screams of “Expelliarmus!” and flashes of Lily’s green eyes in James’s face. Sirius knows this has to be Hari.

He Sees as Hari is placed in the cupboard under the stairs. Sees him move into the larger room upstairs, but still. The boy stays so skinny and he has a haunted look in his eyes that reminds Sirius of his own face each summer that he was required to return to Grimmauld Place. He knows that Hari is a Gryffindor, Sees the maroon and gold striped scarf that Hari wraps around his neck when he heads into Hogsmeade. The two children he's with, Sirius focuses until he passes out just to try to learn their names.

Sirius is only 3 years into his time at Azkaban when he Sees Peter as a rat running through a household. Now Sirius spends his time doing two things: planning his escape, and strengthening his Sight.

Four years in Azkaban and Sirius Sees Remus crying over the Map in an office late at night.

Five years in Azkaban and Sirius Dreams of leaving the prison and his sight is in shades of grey. Sirius screams himself hoarse when he realizes that he can't feel Padfoot anymore. He can't find that place in his mind where he can transform into Padfoot. The worst part is Bellatrix’s screaming laughter echoing after Sirius’s voice is gone.

Six years in Azkaban and Sirius Sees Voldemort rise from the dead again. He knew already, that it would take a lot for Voldemort to die, but knowing and Seeing, Sirius has come to realize are two different experiences. He knew, back in his 2nd year that Regulus would die alone and terrified and in so much pain. But looking at Hari's face when that rat takes the blood from him, is so much worse. 

Seven years in Azkaban and Sirius Sees a young Hari speaking parseltongue to a snake in a muggle zoo. Sirius has grown so used to Seeing older Hari make his way through Hogwarts, that Sirius is startled by the sight of this younger Hari.

Eight years in Azkaban and Sirius watches himself try and fail to kill Peter with Remus by his side.

Nine years in Azkaban and Sirius watches a young blond boy hold Dumbledore at wand point. Sirius doesn't know who he is until the light shines off his white-blond hair and Sirius can't help himself from screaming out, "Like father, like son!" But then later, after Sirius calms down and tries again. The light is softer and Sirius Sees the boys' face. He sees Narcissa's fear and determination in the boy's eyes. Like mother, like son, Sirius thinks.

Ten years in Azkaban and Sirius can feel himself getting closer to freedom. Remus used to talk about things being so close he could taste it, but Sirius is so close that he can See it. There's a puddle in his cell now and Sirius spends his days staring into the water. He's not that good at it, but the visions that he does get, come from further away in time. This is when Sirius gets to meet his godson’s friends- Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. It's here that Sirius watches Remus and Andi’s daughter, Dora- when did she grow up?- ask Hari to be the godfather to their son, Teddy. Sirius doesn’t look in the water after that.

Twelve years in Azkaban and Sirius is so angry staring up at the full moon one night after finding Peter in a picture in the Prophet that he looks into the puddle again. It’s been almost two years since he opened his Eye, but Sirius easily Sees Hari name his firstborn, James Sirius. Sirius feels the closest thing to joy that he's felt in years. The Dementors don't take that away fast enough and Sirius turns into Padfoot again. He slips through the bars and makes his escape.

Sirius has been out of Azkaban for three months when he stares into a puddle with no intention of using his Sight. But he Sees anyway. He watches Hari die in the Forbidden Forest at age seventeen. He cries for the godson who does not remember him.

Sirius is thrown back to himself at 17, still begging Remus for forgiveness for that one big thing, but pretending he wanted forgiveness for something little. Knowing that he didn't deserve it, knowing that Remus will say that he forgives Sirius. But Sirius knows that Remus was never angry with Sirius about Snape because for Remus it confirms every awful thing he believes about himself. While sleeping on James’s sofa, Sirius remembers telling James that he Saw those three flashes of green light on Halloween night in 1981. James said he believed Sirius but Sirius could read the skepticism on his face. That was the only time that Sirius tried to tell someone about his Sight.

It's only now, twelve years after James’s death that Sirius realizes what he's done. He spent every moment possible trying to rebel against his fate. He fought to keep things light and fun so they might avoid the time of their deaths and suffering but only brought about of all the horrors in his own life. Snape was driven to hate them all because of Sirius's treatment of him. He pushed Remus away and whatever they could have been, Sirius made them fall apart by refusing to talk about the terrible things Sirius knew were to come. And Peter, Sirius overlooked him because he was too absorbed in trying to prevent James's death that he never considered that the pit in his stomach was because of the Sight and not because of his growing panic.

This, he realizes, is why Seers lock themselves away and leave a written record of their "visions." They look further ahead than their time, and they don't use their Sight on things too close to home. Because it hurts, it hurts so fucking much.

Sirius promises himself that he will write all of what he knows down this time around. He wishes he had told Remus then, “I will always love you. Even when it hurts and I am gone, I still love you.”