#modyssey x reader

Your boyfriend, Rowan, and you were sitting on your couch in your one-bedroom apartment having your weekly movie night, but unlike usual, anxiety coursed through your veins. You needed to have a talk with him but couldn’t work up the courage, so instead you sat on your hands so he wouldn’t see them trembling. You had no recollection of the developing plot of the movie and more than likely couldn’t even recount the name of the main character. You attempted to keep your eyes on the screen, but as your thoughts drifted, so did your gaze.

“What’s on your mind, baby?” Your boyfriend asked, arm wrapped around you and hand coming to rub your shoulder gently.

You snapped out of your stupor. “Nothing! I just zoned out for a minute,” you lied, smiling at him over-enthusiastically. He didn’t buy it. He stared at you for a few beats, hoping the silence would cause you to break. “Really, I’m okay. Just thinking a little bit.”

“What about?” Rowan asked.

Your mind scrambled for another lie. You hated being dishonest, but the truth was far too embarrassing to share. “It’s nothing, just… thinking about some plans I have for tomorrow.”

Rowan tilted his head towards you. “Baby, you know you’re a terrible liar. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, I just wanna make sure you’re okay.” Your boyfriend’s sweetness melted your heart. You wanted to tell him but feared the worst. You decided to give him an ounce of the truth to see how he reacted.

“I’m okay, really. More than okay. There’s just something I wanna talk to you about.” You spared a glance at him.

“Sure, baby, what’s going on?” A small smile appeared on his face and he turned his body to face you, urging you to continue.

“Well, I’ve been thinking… it’s just, I’ve been wondering…” Your eyes wandered. You sighed, your body forcing you to take a deep breath to calm your nerves.

“What is it, baby? You know you can talk to me, right?” You saw your boyfriend’s eyebrows furrow slightly as he took your hands in his.

“Yeah, of course. It’s just a little embarrassing,” you said, laughing to lighten the mood.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed about anything around me.”

You felt your heart flutter, and this time you knew it wasn’t from the anxiety.

You took another deep breath. “Well, I was just wondering–and it’s totally okay if you don’t want to, I was just thinking about it–I was wondering if you wanted to, um, like try to do something intimate with me or something?” You felt the blood rush to your cheeks and sweat coat your hands as you posed the question. You couldn’t make yourself look at him.

You’d always been awkward about the subject and brushed it off when Rowan brought it up. But lately, you'd been trying to become more confident in yourself. In your past, men had always treated you like an object, made you feel like you were nothing more than a toy for their pleasure. But, you and Rowan had talked about this, and you had been together for a long time. You trusted him, and you wanted to take the next step with him. And, god, was he hot, which helped.

“Are you sure that’s something you’d be comfortable with? I don’t want you to push yourself just because you think that’s something I want.” The gentleness in your boyfriend’s voice made your eyes shoot up to his and your lips part. You thought he’d either be disgusted or jump your bones right there–this reaction left you speechless. Of course, you knew your boyfriend was sweet and was waiting patiently for you to want to take the next step together, but you thought that as soon as you gave him the green light, things might go south.

“Oh, um. Yes. Yes, I think I’m ready. Thank you for asking,” you replied sheepishly.

“Are you sure? Because you know that’s not something I would ever try to make you do. We never need to do anything like that and I’ll still want to be with you.”

You felt hot tears well up in your eyes. Part of you knew this was true, but hearing him say it and truly mean it was still so relieving and made you feel like you were worth more than you thought you really were.

“Really? I mean, if it turned out that I actually wasn’t comfortable with it, you’d still want to be with me?” You whispered, willing yourself not to cry.

Rowan’s voice became even gentler, one of his palms reaching up to cup your cheek. “Of course, baby. I love you and want only you, not sex. I’m so sorry if I ever made you think that I felt differently.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You didn’t realize how desperately you needed to hear that from him. You instantly felt the tension in your shoulders release and you let out a relieved laugh. “Thank you. I really needed that. You’ve never done anything to make me think otherwise. I think I’ve just been overthinking a lot.” You looked away as you spoke your thoughts, furrowing your brow. “I guess I’m just so used to the opposite being true that it’s hard for me to believe you could actually like me for something other than my body.”

A silence overcame the space between you and you realized you might have said something out of line. Your eyes widened as you snapped your head back to face him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get too personal, and it’s not like I believe you’re a bad guy or anything even close to that. I guess my head is just a little fucked up and that’s something I need to work through. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just–”

“Baby,” Rowan cut you off with a soft voice. “You don’t need to explain yourself. You’ve been through a lot. It’s normal for your mind to protect you. I completely understand why you would be wary of me. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Your boyfriend rubbed his thumb lightly along your cheek. “I know you’re trying, and I appreciate that so much. I’m so thankful you trust me enough to talk to me about this sort of thing. But I want you to know, even if you don’t believe it, that I really do love you. I think you’re beautiful, but I didn’t fall in love with you for your looks or your body. I fell in love with your kind heart and unique mind. I’ll keep trying to prove it to you every day until you believe me. And even then, I’ll keep showing you so you never forget, okay?”

The lump forming in your throat prevented you from saying anything and you could feel your lips beginning to quiver. You grabbed Rowan’s wrist and planted a gentle kiss to his palm, then pulled him towards you and enveloped him in a warm embrace. You forced out a small, “Thank you,” before placing a chaste kiss on his neck and clinging even tighter to him.

“You don’t need to thank me for loving you. I should thank you for allowing me to.”

At this, you couldn’t help but let out a small sob. You couldn’t handle his sweetness.

“Oh, baby, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Rowan said as he rubbed your back.

You tried to contain yourself before saying, “You’re just too sweet. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“Well, stop waiting. You’re deserving of love because you exist,” Rowan cooed in your ear.

“Please, stop, I don’t know how to handle this,” you half-joked.

“You’ll learn eventually. I’ll make sure of it.”

You pulled back slightly from him to look in his eyes and smiled. “I love you.”

He returned the grin. “I love you too, baby.”

Your hand reached for the back of his neck and gently pulled him in towards you, your lips slowly meeting his. Your lips fit together perfectly, yours the lock and his the key, opening you up. You tilted your head to the side to allow for his tongue to fill the space between your teeth, a sigh escaping your mouth. Your hands intertwined behind his head and his found your waist, pulling you closer. You let him pull your body on top of his and you straddled his thighs, chests pressed together. You allowed your hips to find a pleasurable spot on his lap and you let out a soft moan when his jeans pressed into you just right. Your back arched into him and you gripped his neck tighter. As the kiss became more heated, Rowan pulled back for a breath.

“Remember what I just said, baby,” he said, breathless. “We don’t have to do anything.” He looked up at you with hooded eyes and you felt your pussy clench.

“I know we don’t have to. But what if I want to?” you whispered.

“Baby…”

“If you don’t want to, that’s okay. But don’t stop yourself because of me. I want to. Really,” you urged, trying not to seem too desperate.

“Trust me, I want to,” he said with a clearer voice as his eyes widened. “I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

You leaned into him again and whispered, “Rowan, I want you.”

Your boyfriend swallowed hard. “Well, then I suggest that we move locations if you’re up for it.” A smile grew on your face as you nodded eagerly. Your boyfriend grabbed the back of your thighs and hoisted you up from the couch quickly, earning a gasp from you as your arms wrapped around his neck.

“Oh Jesus, Ro, I can walk!” You laughed.

“I know, but this is more fun,” Rowan replied as he ran you both towards your bedroom.

He gently laid you down on your bed, your head falling on the pillow. As Rowan bent over you, he turned the bedside lamp on. You felt your heart begin to race in anticipation.

“You okay, baby?” Rowan asked as he leaned down to press a kiss to your cheek.

“Yeah, just a little nervous,” you replied, trying to smile.

“Are you sure you still wanna do this? We can stop right now.”

“No, I’m okay. You’re still okay, right?”

“If you’re okay, I’m okay. Just don’t push yourself too hard.” You nodded and reached out towards him, pulling him closer to you again. Rowan’s lips found yours and you instantly felt more at ease with him closer to you, your hands moving down to touch his shoulders, his arms, his back. Rowan’s hand found the back of your neck and deepened the kiss, your mouth opening to let him in.

You spread your legs to allow room for Rowan to press into you, and the aching in your core was relieved slightly by the pressure of his groin. A small whimper escaped your mouth and entered his, Rowan inhaling sharply at the sound.

“Rowan,” you moaned softly.

“I’m here, baby,” Rowan answered breathlessly.

“Want more,” you urged.

“Tell me what you need, baby.”

“I don’t know,” you breathed. “Want your hands on me.”

Rowan exhaled and kissed the space between your ear and your jaw. “Tell me where you want me.” God, you loved how cautious he was being, but you just wanted him to read your mind. You didn’t want him to make you say it.

“Here,” you said, pulling down the straps of your dress and bra to expose your breasts. “Want you here.”

Rowan complied without any more protest, cupping your breasts with his large hands and squeezing lightly, causing you to tilt your head back and let out a shaky breath.

“Is this okay?” Rowan asked, his breath hot on your neck.

“Yes. Please,” you whined, trying to keep the desperation out of your voice. Your hands found his back and gripped his shirt. Rowan squeezed your breasts harder and lowered his head to your chest, kissing your torso experimentally, glancing up at you to gauge your reactions.

“Please,” you moaned again, unknowingly pushing your chest up towards his face. He didn’t make you explain yourself further this time, instead clasping his lips around one of your nipples and lightly sucking. You gasped as your nerves lit up, arching into him further, fingers finding his hair. “Oh, god,” you moaned. Rowan’s fingertips pinched your other nipple, insighting another sigh from you. His ministrations continued, causing you to squirm in your place on the bed. He made you feel so special, focusing all his attention on making you feel pleased and safe, which turned you on even more.

Rowan moved to your other breast and gave it the same attention, tongue swirling around the bud. Arousal began to pool in your underwear and you ground your hips up into Rowan’s growing hard-on. He groaned into your chest and thrusted back down into you, the motion of his hips so smooth you were almost ready for him to fuck you right there.

“Ro,” you moaned out, lightly tugging at his hair to bring his face up to yours.

“Yeah, baby?” he breathed, lips shiny with spit, eyes already beginning to look fucked-out.

“Let me do something for you,” you said as your hands trailed down his chest to his abdomen.

Rowan’s eyes widened slightly. “Baby, I wanna focus on you tonight,” he said sweetly.

“No, but I want it to be equal,” you whined, hands pulling up the straps of your dress to make your point.

Rowan laughed lightly. “Baby, it’s easier for me. Let me take care of you first, yeah?”

You eyed him for a moment before conceding. “Okay, yeah. But, um…” you started, looking away from him.

“What is it, baby?” He tilted his head towards you.

You felt blush creep up your cheeks. “I haven’t, um, done anything in a long time. So it might take a while… and you might have to be really gentle, if you know what I mean,” you said quietly, not being able to look him in the eye.

Rowan smiled at you and took your hand in his. “That’s okay, baby. We’ll go as slow as we need to. I’m not in any rush.”

You looked up at him and tried to return his smile. “Okay. But if you get tired or bored or something, just tell me and we can stop, okay?”

Your boyfriend laughed. “I definitely don’t think I’m gonna get bored, baby. I don’t think you’ve learned yet that I’m attracted to you. A lot. I want to do this.”

The blush returned to your face and extended down your neck. “Oh, right. Well, still. Just let me know.”

Rowan smiled. “Okay, I will.”

“And Ro?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Do you think, like if you want to, maybe you could take your shirt off? You don’t have to or anything, I just might feel a little more comfortable if we both–”

Before you could finish, Rowan was already ripping his top off in one swift motion. Your eyes trailed down his beautifully-toned body and you felt yourself beginning to salivate. You swallowed and forced yourself to look back up at his face.

“Cool. Um, thank you,” You stammered. “You look…nice.”

“Thank you, baby,” Rowan smiled as his hands found your waist again. “Do you feel more comfortable now?” Honestly, you felt a bit overwhelmed seeing just how out of your league your boyfriend was. You knew he was hot, but you couldn’t imagine he was this hot. Nevertheless, you knew your heart was beating rapidly due to excitement as opposed to fear, so you nodded at him. Rowan smiled at you and kissed your cheek, then trailed down to your jaw, and your neck, causing you to close your eyes and force yourself to calm down. It was still just the same old Rowan.

You exhaled and allowed yourself to fall back down on the bed, bringing Rowan down on top of you. Rowan whispered into your neck, “Just tell me if you want me to slow down.” You swallowed and nodded at him, still slightly nervous. You weren’t totally sure what to expect–you just hoped you would do a good job. You felt Rowan sucking on your neck and tried to let yourself melt into his touch. Rowan’s hand trailed toward your abdomen and you unintentionally sucked your stomach in, his touch tender. “You want me down here?” He asked.

You took a breath before nodding. “Yes,” you said strongly.

“Good job, baby.” You felt your pussy clench at his praise. Rowan’s hand trailed under your dress and traced the waistband of your underwear. You felt your muscles twitch involuntarily at his touch. “This okay?”

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Sorry, I’m not trying to be jumpy.”

Rowan gently rubbed your stomach. “It’s okay, baby. Just get used to my touch first.” You nodded into him and let your arms wrap around his muscular back, feeling his warm skin against yours. You took a few deep breaths as Rowan continued to place gentle kisses along your face and jaw.

Your boyfriend’s fingertips made their way to your hip bone and slowly crept under the elastic. “I’m not gonna do anything until you tell me to, okay?”

You nodded again, your voice difficult to find. You took one of your hands and placed it along Rowan’s jaw, guiding his mouth to yours. The kiss became immediately messy as you both were already turned on. Your tongues collided and your lips locked like they were each other’s air supply.

“Touch me,” you breathed into him. As Rowan’s fingers inched closer to your core, you felt more and more sensitive. You felt him reach your clit and slowly rub up and down, causing you to gasp into his mouth. Your insides clenched at the sensation.

“Okay?” he asked you.

“Yeah,” you said before grasping the back of his neck and pulling his mouth back to yours. Rowan experimentally circled his fingertip around the sensitive nub, putting slight pressure on it. Your back arched into him as you moaned into his mouth, urging him to continue. You couldn’t help but grind your hips up into his hand, creating just the right amount of pressure for your nerves. Arousal began to pool around your hole. “Feels good,” you whined.

“Yeah?” Rowan cooed, and you could feel him slowly grinding his cock onto your thigh. “My baby feels good?”

You nodded fervently. “Yeah. Want your fingers inside me.”

You felt Rowan’s crotch get harder at your words. He slid his fingers down your slit and rubbed around your slippery hole, preparing it for their entrance. He pushed his middle finger in and curled it up to caress your wall. A sound escaped your lips that you had never heard before, and your hand shot up to your mouth in embarrassment.

You saw a cheeky grin appear on Rowan’s face. “Don’t be embarrassed, baby. I love hearing how good you feel.” You slowly pulled your hand away and gripped the bedsheets below you. Rowan moved his finger back and forth to open you up, lewd sounds erupting from your pussy. You felt heat rise up your chest knowing you were making those sounds and you had no control over it. Rowan’s fingers were long enough to be able to reach that sensitive part inside you, and you couldn’t help but grind into his hand.

You tried to keep yourself from moaning, but strained sounds formed in your throat. “Okay, baby?” Rowan asked. You nodded and kept your lips sealed shut, afraid of what might come out. “Then let me hear you,” he whispered in your ear before kissing your neck.

You took a deep breath before pushing out, “Don’t. Wanna. Be loud.”

You felt Rowan smile into you. “It’s just you and me, baby. Just let it out. I promise you I’m gonna find it hot.” Rowan added another finger inside you, stretching you out more. You couldn’t hold back your strained moans when his thick fingers brushed against your g-spot.

“Fuck,” you moaned. You didn’t know your voice was able to go up that high, but you couldn’t stop yourself now. It didn’t seem like much, but you had never been so pleased in your life. The slow, deep thrusts of Rowan’s fingers made something primal arise in you, like an itch deep inside you that you didn’t know needed to be scratched so badly. “So. Good.” Your chest heaved up and down with each breath, sweat beginning to coat your forehead as your brow furrowed.

Rowan began to speed up his fingers as your hips struggled to keep up. Your knuckles were turning white from gripping the sheets and your toes curled. His fingers seemed to go deeper inside you and find a spot within you that you didn’t know existed. Your jaw dropped open as your moans mixed with your breathing.

“Oh god, right there, please,” you practically begged. Tears began to form in your eyes as you hoped with everything in you that he’d be able to get this feeling out of you. You could feel the vibrations of his groans in your neck as he curled his fingers faster. Your legs began to shake and your stomach started to swirl, a feeling so unfamiliar it almost scared you.

“Rowan,” you whined, reaching a hand up to grab at his bicep.

“I know, baby, I know. Just breathe. I got you,” Rowan cooed in your ear.

“Rowan, my tummy… it feels weird,” you moaned.

“It’s okay, baby. You’re almost there. Doing so well for me.” Rowan’s thumb reached up to circle your clit and your head fell deeper into the pillows. You didn’t know where your voice went. Your mind felt fuzzy and the warm feeling in your stomach was starting to grow.

“Breathe, baby,” Rowan urged you. You realized you had been forgetting to breathe, and inhaled the sweet air around you. Rowan pushed harder on your clit and leaned down to your ear. “Let go for me, baby. Let yourself go,” he whispered to you. A white light appeared through your closed eyes and you gripped Rowan’s arm tighter. Gasps escaped your throat as your legs shook and you felt the rubber band within your stomach snap. Arousal squirted out of you onto Rowan’s forearm, and he slowed his thrusts to bring you down from your high as your breathing began to even out.

You slowly opened your eyes to see Rowan looking lovingly down at you. You couldn’t even feel embarrassed. You grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a sloppy kiss.

“Thank you,” you breathed out. “Thank you. Thank you.”

Rowan smiled and kissed you again. “You don’t have to thank me, baby.” He brushed your hair behind your ear. “Do you feel okay?”

“I feel more than okay,” you said, still catching your breath. “You don’t know how much I needed that. I didn’t think I could…”

Rowan rubbed your cheek with his thumb. “Of course you can. You just needed to feel comfortable.”

“It also helps that you’re really fucking good at that,” you giggled. “I didn’t know it could feel like that.”

Rowan smiled at you. “Well, I’m glad I could make you feel good.”

“Really fucking good.”

You suddenly realized what had conspired and looked down at Rowan’s arm to see it drenched in your fluids, the sheets around you damp. Your hands flew to your mouth.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry. That’s mortifying.”

Rowan glanced down in confusion to see what you were worried about. “What? Oh, no, baby, don’t be embarrassed. It’s totally normal. I actually find it really hot,” he said, looking back up at you.

“Really?” You questioned, finding it hard to believe.

“Really. Actually, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I was finding it really hard to keep it together. You just looked so fucking hot.” Rowan leaned down to kiss your cheek. “And those sounds you were making? God, I’ve never heard anything more sexy in my life.”

Your eyes widened and your hand tightened around your mouth as you remembered what you sounded like. “Oh, god,” you let slip through your fingers. “I can’t believe I did that.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, baby,” Rowan said as he kissed your cheek again. “You should be proud that you sound that beautiful. Only for my ears, though.” He nipped at your earlobe and pulled back to see your dumbfounded expression. “What? I can’t be happy that my girlfriend looks and sounds like a fucking angel?”

“Oh my god, you need to stop right now, Ro,” you teased. “If anything, you’re the angel for what you just did.”

Rowan laughed. “Fine, we can both be angels, then. Now, let me go get something to clean you up.”

“Wait,” you protested, grabbing his arm. “What about you?”

“Oh,” Rowan looked away shyly. “I’m actually good.”

“What do you mean?” You asked, confused.

# about me :

hii my names zay ! i am nineteen (O7-liner) and use she/her pronouns! first time blogging and writing fics on tumblr but will do my best :) a loyal moot and lowkey need some friends on here.. so follow for follow and feel free to message me luvs •⩊•

• mbti: isfj + gemini

• fav color: brown / beige

• groups: ult enhypen , ald1, Ingshot, njz, zb1, and2ble, modyssey, riize, nct, illit, bnd, ive and way more !

• biases: jungwon, ni-ki, ryul, leo, haerin, hanbin, gyuvin, rowan, eunseok, anton, doyoung, sion, xiaojun, minju, leehan, woonhak, leeseo, yeonjun

Suren towered over your frame, eyes boring holes into you. 

“You have something right here,” he said quietly, using his thumb to wipe your bottom lip, placing his remaining fingers on your cheek.

“Frosting,” he said as he placed his thumb in his mouth, licking it clean. He turned away and continued frosting the sugar cookies you both had just baked as if he didn’t just cause your heart rate to skyrocket. You closed your jaw that had been hanging open and cleared your throat, trying to act normal. Your boyfriend was always flirty, but he seemed to be laying it on extra thick today for some reason.

“Sweet, just like you.” He looked at you and grinned. You returned his smile, but inside, you were racking your brain wondering why he was acting so strangely.

You decided to act nonchalant and try to ask him. “What’s up with you today? Did you sleep extra well last night or something?”

He looked at you with a confused expression on his face. “What do you mean? Am I not allowed to flirt with my girlfriend?”

“No, it’s not that. You’re just being even cuter than usual today.”

Suren walked over to you and placed his hands on your lower back. “I’m just feeling really thankful for you today,” he said, looking down at you and smiling.

You looked back at him, slightly confused, but smiled back, wrapping your hands around his neck. “Oh? Why’s that?” 

“No reason. I’m just really grateful for how you treat me.”

You laughed slightly. “What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re just always so kind and treat me so well. I always feel cared for when I’m with you.”

“Oh,” you said, eyebrows furrowing slightly. “I’m really glad you feel that way. But, Su, is something going on? I mean, why are you thinking about this now?”

Suren shook his head. “It’s nothing, baby. Don’t worry.” He leaned down and pecked your nose.

“Suren, what is it? You can tell me,” you urged.

Your boyfriend sighed. “It’s nothing, really. There’s just been a bit of tension between the members because of our comeback, so things have been a little tough. It’s just nice to feel appreciated.” He gave you a small smile and wouldn’t look you in your eyes.

“Aww, baby, come here,” you said as you pulled him down into a hug. He sighed as he melted into you and rubbed your back. Your hand found its way to his head as you played with his hair, causing him to snuggle into you.

“I’m sorry you’ve been going through a tough time. But I’ll always be here to tell you how amazing you are. You’re the best boyfriend I could ask for. So sweet and caring. Funny. Smart. Talented.” You gave him a gentle kiss on the neck. “And so handsome.”

He pulled away slightly to look in your eyes. “You think so?”

You nodded at him. “I do.”

Suren looked down at your lips before leaning down to meet them with his. His hand reached up to cup your face to try to bring it even closer to his. His free hand traveled down your back and pulled your body tight against his, leaving no space between you.

Your fingers tugged at Suren’s hair, and you heard a soft groan escape his lips. You took the opportunity to place your open mouth on his, your tongue meeting his. His tongue swirled around yours and your grip on his hair tightened. You felt Suren begin to guide you backwards towards the living room, and you allowed him to gently lay you down on the couch, him holding his weight above you.

“You really are needy today,” you said breathlessly, forehead resting on his.

“Only for you,” he replied before placing his lips back onto yours.

You felt Suren begin to grind himself against your core and you couldn’t help but let out a moan into his mouth. Your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist to give him better access, feeling his erection growing by the second. Your hips began to move in sync with his, grinding up into him as he thrusted into you. You could feel your sweatpants slowly getting wet from your arousal, but you didn’t mind.

“Looks like someone else is needy today, too,” Suren said cheekily after breaking away from your mouth.

“Oh, shut up,” you joked, your legs releasing their grasp on him as you shoved his shoulders back so he was sitting upright on the couch. You straddled his hips and pressed down into him again, slowly moving back and forth. His hands found your hips, pulling you down on him even harder. Your lips met his again as the kiss became sloppy, teeth hitting teeth and moans escaping each others’ mouths. Suren’s hands began to fumble around your waistband and you gasped, pulling away slightly.

“Is this okay?” He asked with earnest eyes.

You nodded. “Yes. Yes, that’s fine.” 

Suren’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you sure? I’m not trying to push you too far, I just thought…”

You shook your head and smiled at him, hands finding the back of his neck. “No, baby, it’s okay. I want to. You just surprised me.” You leaned in to kiss him gently again, reassuring him that you were comfortable and wanted to continue. 

His hands stayed locked on your hips. He broke the kiss for a moment and said quietly, “Baby, I don’t wanna do anything impulsively. I want you to be sure.” You looked down at him and smiled. Your sweet boy. Always making sure you were comfortable. 

“I am sure, Su. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I just didn’t know how to bring it up. I promise you I want to. Are you sure?”

“Oh, I’m sure.” Suren gave you a small smile. “Trust me. Just… tell me if we’re going too fast, okay?” He said as one of his hands reached up to grab the back of your neck and bring it back down to him, locking your lips back together sweetly. 

The mood had shifted–before, it had been heated, messy–but now, it was soft and gentle, romantic. Suren took his time making the moment right–fingers running through your hair, hand caressing your waist. He made you feel cared for, safe. Your hands traveled down Suren’s chest, down his abs, landing on his waist. You pushed your fingers under his waistband and rubbed circles on his hips with your thumbs, causing him to start breathing heavily. You pulled the elastic band of his pants and underwear slowly down his pelvis, exposing his erection. Suren let out a sigh as the pressure lifted from his groin, head falling back onto the couch. Pre-cum leaked from the tip and you couldn’t help but lick your lips as you reached for the shaft. 

“Tell me what to do, baby,” you said sensually to Suren as you slid your hand slowly up and down his erection. You and Suren had messed around a bit before, but you were mostly inexperienced when it came to intimacy.

“Just keep doing that, baby. Focus on the tip. Fuck…” Suren moaned out as you followed his instructions, swiping your thumb over his slit. His hands grasped the couch cushions, knuckles turning white. Noting the good reaction, you continued your action with one hand and used the other to focus on the base.

“Jesus, baby. When did you get so good at this?” Suren asked, breathless.

You leaned forward and kissed his sweaty forehead. “I just know you, Su,” you whispered to him. “The way your body reacts to my touch. It’s showing me what to do.”

“Fuck,” Suren heaved. “So. Good.” You smiled at him, even though his eyes were closed, and kissed his cheek before leaning back again so you could better see him. You noticed Suren’s stomach begin to contract as you continued. You slyly climbed off of his lap and got on your knees in front of him.

Suren looked down at you, confused. “What are you doing, baby?”

You smiled up at him. “Don’t worry about it. Just relax.” Tentatively, Suren leaned back down on the couch and closed his eyes. You removed your top hand and slowly placed your mouth on Suren’s tip, tongue carefully licking over the slit.

“Ah, fuck,” Suren groaned as one of his hands instinctively grabbed at your hair. You swirled your tongue around him as your other hand continued to pump him. “Gonna cum.” Suren’s voice gradually became higher-pitched as his orgasm overcame him, his moans coming out broken. You moaned around his dick, the vibrations causing Suren to grip your hair tighter as he came, the salty liquid hitting the back of your throat. You squeezed your eyes shut and forced yourself to swallow, tears appearing in the corners of your eyes. You slowly pumped him as his groans became more infrequent and his grip on you loosened. You popped your mouth off of him and looked up at him, smiling, as he looked back down at you, breathing haggard. 

“That was amazing, baby,” he praised you, hands coming to cup your face. “I’m sorry if I got a little rough there at the end. It was just so good.” You raised yourself to sit back down on your boyfriend’s lap.

“It’s okay. You weren’t too rough. Just wanted to make you feel good,” you said as you wiped his sweaty hair out of his face.

“You definitely did, baby, don’t worry.” Suren pulled your face in to kiss you, tasting himself on your tongue. As you pulled away, he wiped the remaining tears from your cheeks.

“Your turn?” He whispered into your lips.

You shook your head. “Want your dick.”

“Fuck, baby, you just don’t stop, do you?” Suren groaned.

You giggled into him. “It’s one of the reasons you love me.”

“Damn right it is.” Suren brushed your hair behind your ear. “But, baby, don’t you think we should ease into it? I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Don’t care. Want to feel all of you.” Suren groaned as his lips met yours again, tongue brushing over yours for a brief moment. 

“Okay, but if it hurts, you have to tell me and we’ll stop, okay?” You nodded in return.

Eager, you reached down to your waistband and pulled it down past your knees, exposing your glistening pussy to the cold, causing a shiver to run down your spine.

“God, baby, you’re so pretty,” Suren praised as his hands traced down your hips.

Your cheeks turned red and you shoved your face into his shoulder. “Stop!” You teased.

“I’m serious, baby,” he continued, without an ounce of jest in his tone. “Can I touch you?”

You pulled back to look at him. “Of course.” 

Suren’s fingers trailed down your hipbone and fell on your arousal, slowly rubbing your slit.

“Fuck, baby, all for me?”

You whimpered into his lips before pecking him. “Who else would it be for?”

Suren’s fingers ghosted over your clit and you let out a small moan. “Su… want you, please,” you begged.

“Okay, baby. Just remember: tell me to stop whenever.”

You nodded fervently. “I know, just please…” you trailed off. 

Suren answered your pleas and grabbed his dick, slowly rubbing it through your folds. Your mouths opened, breathing into each other as he lined himself up with your hole, slowly beginning to push in.

The stretching feeling was immense and you could barely fit more than the head in at first. You breathed heavily into Suren’s mouth, eyes screwing shut.

“Okay, baby?” Suren asked you. You just nodded in return. “Just tell me what you need.”

“Just… give me a minute,” you pushed out, hands gripping Suren’s shoulders. You allowed yourself to slowly adjust to him before pushing your hips down his length a bit more, shakily exhaling.

Suren groaned into you. “You’re so fucking tight, baby.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Just be patient please.”

“Don’t be sorry, baby. Feels amazing,” Suren breathed out. Even though you weren’t feeling the pleasure yet, the idea that you were making your boyfriend feel so good was enough to keep you feeling positive. You lifted up your hips and pushed down even further, taking in half of his length.

“You’re doing so well, baby,” Suren praised you, kissing your jaw. “Feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. You’re just… big.”

“Are you hurting?”

“I’m okay.”

“Baby, if it’s too much, we can stop. You don’t have anything to prove to me.”

“I know, but I want to. I’m okay.”

Suren continued kissing along your jaw, giving you small praises along the way. My pretty girl. Taking me so well. Doing such a good job for me. With each praise, you felt yourself getting wetter and taking more of his cock. Within a few minutes, Suren bottomed out and your hips were flush together.

“Knew you could do it, baby,” Suren breathed into your neck before leaving a kiss. “How do you feel?” With all of him finally inside you, you felt completely full, a feeling you’d never felt before. Any pain had subsided and was being replaced with pleasure.

“Feels good,” you replied, arms wrapping around his neck.

“Yeah?” You nodded into him. “I’m gonna let you take the lead, okay? Let me know if you get tired.” You nodded again and experimentally began to move your hips back and forth, feeling Suren’s dick hitting your walls. You’d never felt anything this deep inside you, pressing on all these new spots.

“Oh,” you moaned out as pleasure shot up your core. 

“Feels good?” Suren questioned as he kissed your neck. 

“Yeah,” you exhaled. “Feels really good.” Suren lightly grabbed your hips to help move you back and forth on him. You groaned into him, gripping his shirt. 

“You feel so good around me,” Suren admired, causing you to clench around him. “Ugh, don’t do that,” he groaned. “Gonna cum.”

“Sorry,” you apologized. “You can’t say shit like that to me.”

“Can’t help it.” Suren began to push your hips faster. “Pussy’s just so good.” You attempted to keep yourself from squeezing around him, but failed. Suren squeezed your hips. “Fuck, okay, I’ll stop.”

“What happened to me taking the lead?” Suren was basically controlling your movements at this point.

“S-sorry, I got carried away,” he replied as his grip on you loosened.

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it,” you said as you pulled back to look in his eyes. You saw something in him shift slightly, and before you knew it, your back was on the couch with Suren on top of you. Suren grabbed one of your thighs and placed your leg on his shoulder before thrusting into you. The new sensation caused your back to arch into him and you let out a moan you didn’t know you had in you.

“How about this?” Suren asked, his face above yours.

You grabbed his shirt to bring him even closer to you. “Yes. Please,” you moaned. You saw a cocky smirk overtake your boyfriend’s features, but you didn’t care. Suren steadily thrusted into you, each time hitting a spot within you that caused a spark of pleasure. You rubbed your hands down his chest, looking for anything to ground yourself. You felt your eyes begin to roll back as the pleasure overtook you, breathy moans leaving your mouth. Suren wrapped his arm around your leg and reached his thumb to your clit, rubbing it in circles. The pressure sent a shock throughout you, causing you to jolt.

“Su, ‘s too much,” you let out in a high-pitched moan.

“Want me to stop? Just say the word.” You could tell Suren was close to finishing, too, as his breaths became heavy. You shook your head, urging him to continue, even though your senses were overwhelmed. You gripped at Suren’s shirt as your breath escaped you, your chest heaving.

You felt your stomach swirl as your orgasm began to overtake you. “Gonna… gonna cum,” you pushed out.

“Me too, baby,” Suren whined, his hips stuttering inside you. “Cum with me, okay?” You nodded as a feeling of pure ecstasy washed over you, your hands and legs shaking. Your ears began to ring and a white light clouded your vision. You grabbed onto Suren’s neck to ground yourself, and slowly began to come down from your high. You felt Suren’s hips begin to slow down inside you, and you opened your eyes to see his face over yours, looking at you like you were the most beautiful thing in the world. As he placed your leg down, you pulled him in and kissed him softly, both of you out of energy and covered in sweat.

“You okay, baby?” he whispered when he pulled away. You nodded before pecking him again.

“You?” you pushed out. Suren nodded in return.

“Hell yeah.”

You giggled at him. “Thank you for being patient with me.”

“Of course, baby. Thank you for making me feel wanted.” 

hengyu

i easily see hengyu as a dom–somewhere in between a soft and a hard dom

or it might change depending on the day tbh

like if he’s super frustrated, he will easily make you cum like 4 times before even thinking about fucking you

like he needs to see you crying because you’re so overstimulated just to get out his pent up aggression

i can see him being one to use his fingers, tongue, dick, anything to feel you cumming on him

but he also loves feeling your tears on him and hearing your sobs

and he’s so cocky about it

like the harder you cry, the harder he gets

he’s all, “what, baby? is my cock too much for you?” as he’s literally grinning from ear to ear

he will pin you down to get one more orgasm out of you, even if you think you can’t do it

he gets relief from seeing you feel so good that you’re literally breaking down

yichen

hard dom. that’s it.

he’d stay between your legs for literal hours, licking your pussy raw until you couldn’t feel anything but him

it doesn’t matter what mood he’s in–he’s not satisfied until you’re bawling

like you’re sobbing, gripping his hair and you look down at him and he’s already looking back up at you with this look of utmost satisfaction

you can tell he’s smirking even though his tongue is buried inside you

not opposed to using vibrators or other toys if that’s what it takes to push you over the edge

would love to hold a vibrator to your clit as he eats you out

your legs are shaking and you’re half-batting at his hands because it’s so overstimulating, but he holds the vibrator to you without fault, pinning your hands down

munch!yichen agenda for the win

rowan

soft/pleasuredom! or switch if anything

but when he gets in a certain type of mood, like when you’re feeling extra needy and are basically begging him to fuck you, he won’t go easy

he’d be one to start out fingering you and stimulating other parts of your body, like sucking on your boobs

just tries to make you feel as good as possible, almost edging you so you have no choice but to cry

would definitely mutter nasty things into your ear. you’d never expect it from him but i promise

you’re begging him to make you cum, and he drags it out for as long as possible, loving the sounds of you whining his name

because when he finally gives in and lets you bounce on his dick, you’re so eager and fervent–you just seem to enjoy yourself so much, grabbing onto his chest and scratching your nails into him

he loves when he makes you get this way, because he knows he’s the only one that can do it

lynnlynn

okay i’m sorry but he’s nasty

like in a good way but still

i just see him wanting to try everything and going so hard with all of it

like he just kind of loses his mind when he fucks you

he’s always so rough about it (which you love), but you always end up in tears

not because you’re in pain, but because it just feels like he’s doing everything all at once

fucking you, rubbing your clit, sucking on your neck, saying dirty things in your ear, pinning your wrists above your head

and you’re just always overcome with so much pleasure

every time you’re finished fucking and he snaps out of it, he’s the sweetest boy ever and takes such good care of you, massaging any sore spots and getting you water and snacks

he apologizes for being so rough and making you cry, but you assure him that you wouldn’t have it any other way

li zihao

i can see him either being nasty or sweet depending on his mood

like some days, he’s so soft and gentle with you, but others, he’s fucking you so hard into the mattress that you think the bed might break

always says really vile things to you when he’s in one of those moods (he always assures you afterwards that he doesn’t mean it)

sometimes he just needs to let loose, and you have no problem letting him fuck you into oblivion to get his stress out

you’ve only cried a few times with him, and he always panics at first, but you assure him that you’re okay and he’s just making you feel so good

which gives him more of an ego boost and he goes even harder

he slowly gets more confident and has more days where he goes a little bit harder, which you always encourage

suren

he’s so cocky i can’t

he wouldn’t be so harsh about it, but he knows what turns you on and he’ll use it to his advantage

like he’ll edge you for hours with this sly grin on his face while you’re below him absolutely sobbing, begging for him to let you cum

but it’s totally up to him

he just needs to hear you whine a little bit more for him

always has a stupid grin on his face while he’s destroying you

his voice and words totally contradict his actions, too

like he’s always saying stuff like, “it’s okay, baby, let it out” in this sultry voice while pounding his cock into you

would also use the occasional toy, but would prefer to just use his body to make you feel good

hengyu 

you meet when he’s still working at the barbeque restaurant

he’s been feeling really down because he’s working such long shifts just to make ends meet and feels like he’s not making any progress towards his goals

he’s having a particularly rough day, with customers being rude and orders flying in

when you come in with some friends to have some lunch

and when his eyes fall on you, it’s like everything goes quiet

all of his worries about debuting still for a moment

you notice him staring at you and you smile bc obviously he’s cute, so he says hello awkwardly and introduces himself 

you chat for a bit and he asks for your number

he feels light on his feet the rest of the day, and texts you that night

the rest is history

yichen 

he’s taking a walk down the street on his day off and notices a stray cat

he’s obviously about to walk up to it to pet it

but you beat him to it

you come out of nowhere and bend down to pet this cat, and it comes right to you

the cat is all over you, rubbing itself on you and purring

and suddenly he’s forgotten about the cat

he slowly walks up to you and pretends he’s only interested in the kitten

but the cat won’t leave you and he acts all offended, playing it off like a joke and making you laugh

he tells you about his 9 cats and you’re like… i want to meet them

and he’s like ok

you’ve talked every day since

rowan 

he decides to go to the cinema by himself on his day off

the theater isn’t very busy since it’s the middle of the day on a weekday

so there’s only a few other people sitting near the front and him

and you, sitting in the back

in his favorite seat

and at first he’s pissed bc he’s like you had the whole theater and you chose my seat???

but then he starts walking up the stairs closer to you and realizes how excited you seem for the movie

you’re just sitting there, eating your popcorn, not on your phone or anything, just looking at the screen and waiting for the film to start

and you look so cute that he can’t be mad at you

you notice him looking at you and you give him a small smile

he gets shy and looks away, choosing a random seat

you get up from your seat and come up to sit right behind him

and he’s like wtf

and you say, “you can have that seat if you want it”

he’s wondering how you knew he wanted the seat

but suddenly he doesn’t care anymore

so he turns around and says, “no, it’s all yours”

but you shake your head. “i like this one better.”

he can’t focus on the movie the whole time

he can only focus on how close you are, close enough that he can smell your perfume

when the movie ends, you just walk out and he’s disappointed

but then he notices something left on the seat next to him

a napkin with your phone number written on it

lynnlynn 

you’re a street dancer that participates in local competitions

you’re having a competition in a random abandoned alley one night and lynnlynn just so happens to be walking by

of course the music and the dancing catch his attention

so he stops and watches for a while

when you start dancing, he’s like :o 

instantly in love

he joins the crowd and slowly integrates himself into the scene just to get close to you

you inevitably end up meeting and he compliments your dancing

you see him dance and you’re like… okay you’re pretty good too

you guys become a team and beat literally anyone that tries to take you on

eventually he does confess and of course you feel the same–the chemistry is insane

and you live happily ever after, absolutely crushing the competition

li zihao

he decided to spend an evening at a local pc cafe to game a little bit, taking his mind off of all the stress of being an idol

none of the other members wanted to tag along with him so he was a little pouty

he always feels a little awkward in public alone

but he decides to go anyways

he walks in, and there are only a few people scattered here and there

he takes a seat near the corner and begins to play his game

then he hears the front door jingle, and he automatically looks up at the sound

he half-expects to see one of his members coming to join him, but he sees you

dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants with your hair down, not trying to impress anybody

but he’s immediately impressed by you

he thinks you’re naturally stunning (bc you are)

and it takes everything in him not to jump up and ask you to sit by him like a kid in preschool

you end up sitting in front of him and joining the same game as him 

(although he’s not looking at your screen, why would you think that?)

he sends little flirty messages to you but doesn’t reveal his identity

you slowly start to flirt back, although you’re a bit standoffish at first

he gets your attention though, and asks if you’ll be back to this cafe soon

and you’re like wait who are you and why do you know where i am

he reassures you that he’s not a creep, that he just thinks you’re cute and fun

so you’re like okay… yeah i’ll be here again soon

so he’s like great, it’s a date <3

you guys start gaming every week, you not knowing his identity, falling in love through the screen while he falls in love looking at you

suren

you met when suren was a choreographer

he worked at a dance studio for a while, and you were a new choreographer

he was a little skeptical at first because he’d never heard of you

but then you walked in

and then he took one of your classes

and saw you dance

and he was immediately mesmerized

your style was so unique and the way you moved was just so captivating

he came up to you after the class and introduced himself

he offered to show you the ropes around the studio, and since you had just moved here, to show you around town

you became fast friends because he’s so charming

and eventually you were spending every day together

he tried to keep it professional because you were coworkers, but it became harder and harder every day

eventually, he confessed to you and offered to quit his job just to be with you

you were like :o hold up

let’s go on a date first and then we’ll see

and he was like yeah maybe that would be smart lol

"How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d" - alexander pope, (1717)

You awoke to the sound of soft snoring above your head, and as your eyes adjusted to the light, you looked around you and realized you weren’t in your room. It took a moment for you to remember what had occurred last night–the fight with your mother, getting kicked out, Lynnlynn taking you in, and you crying into his arms. His arms, which had stayed wrapped snugly around you all night, and still clung to your waist.

You slowly lifted your head, careful not to wake the sleeping man. You laid your eyes upon him as he rested. The morning light cast a gentle glow across his delicate features. The wrinkle that usually sat persistently between his furrowed brows was gone. His eyes slowly moved under his closed eyelids, his mind filled with vivid dreams. His lips were slightly parted, allowing a whisper of a breath to leave his mouth as he exhaled. You’d never seen him look so peaceful, so… not angry. He was actually quite beautiful when he wasn’t pestering you, you realized.

You pressed your nose to his shirt, lightly inhaling his scent. He smelled vaguely of stale cigarette smoke, salt, and something sweet you couldn’t quite place–a unique scent that belonged completely to him. A part of you wanted it to infiltrate your senses forever.

You gradually pulled yourself out of his grasp, attempting to slip out of the bed without disturbing him. He stirred slightly, but his eyes remained closed. You tip-toed around his room, taking in the details you weren’t able to last night.

You walked over to his desk and sat, looking at everything sprawled out before you. He smoked Marlboro Menthols and used a black BIC lighter. An ashtray with a few cigarette butts sat in the corner. He had stickers plastered on his laptop in various stages of wear–a cat playing the electric guitar; Finn and Jake from Adventure Time; another cat with the words “Love cats hate fascism” plastered around it. A small stack of books sat on the windowsill next to the desk–Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. You wondered if he just had them there for decoration, but they seemed very well-loved, with pages dog-eared throughout.

Your eyes trailed back to his notebook, still sat open, as if it were begging you to fully 

read it. You knew he didn’t want you to, and you felt guilty, but your eyes were drawn to the black ink as if it were calling your name:

Something about the look in your eyes I know there’s something more Can’t find the words I need To put you at ease Time and time again The wind brings your song I lie awake hearing the cracks And will you to want me back

You felt your heart catch in your throat. Could he really be writing about you? Or were you overthinking it? With the way he held you last night, with the way he spoke…

You heard a rustling behind you and you spun the chair around to face Lynnlynn’s bed. He sat up, ruffling his hair. “What are you doing?” He said through a yawn.

“Good morning to you, too,” you said, trying to set aside your feelings.

Lynnlynn rolled his eyes. “Morning.” He pushed himself to his feet and walked over to you. You held your breath for a moment, unsure of what he was going to do. He leaned over you and your eyes widened. Lynnlynn paused. “What? I’m just getting my cigarettes.”

You let out a small breath. “Right, yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t start acting weird now,” Lynnlynn murmured as he opened the window beside his desk, moving the books aside and sitting on the sill. He lit up a cigarette, propping his foot on the windowpane.

“I’m not acting weird. You’re acting weird,” you said, sitting on your hands.

“Whatever. You want one?” He offered you the box of cigarettes. You shook your head. “You ever tried one?” He asked as he pulled the lit stick from between his lips, placing his belongings on the desk. You shook your head again. “You want to?” He held out his cigarette to you, wiggling his eyebrows.

You stared at the smoking cylinder in front of you. “Is this peer pressure?” You asked.

“No, I’m not trying to force you. I’m just saying, you’re probably gonna look stupid the first time you try it, and it’s better to be with someone that already thinks you’re stupid than with someone else.” You glared at him, but took the cigarette from him. “Just suck–I mean, you already know how to do that–and then inhale through your nose.” 

You brought the cigarette to your lips and placed them around the filter, trying not to think about how Lynnlynn’s mouth was touching this same area just moments before. You sucked in, feeling the smoke enter your mouth, then inhaled through your nose. The cool, strong feeling of the menthol hit the back of your throat like a freight train, forcing you to cough up the smoke you’d just breathed in. Tears filled your eyes as you coughed and you began to feel dizzy, your hands and feet tingling.

“What the fuck?” You said through your coughs, handing the cigarette back to Lynnlynn, who was in hysterics. “Why is it like that?”

“What do you mean?” Lynnlynn asked as he took another drag.

“Like, I mean, I feel all dizzy. Am I dying?”

He laughed harder. “No, you’re not dying. That’s what’s called a nicotine buzz. Doesn’t it feel great?” Lynnlynn flicked the cigarette ash out the window. 

“Fucking no?” You protested, still coughing. “And it tastes awful.”

Lynnlynn shrugged. “You get used to it.”

“Why would you want to get used to that?” You wiped your teary eyes.

He shrugged again. “It’s fun, I guess.”

“I think we have very different ideas of what’s fun.”

“Probably. You always were a goody-two-shoes.” Lynnlynn played with the cigarette between his fingers before taking another hit.

“I am not! I do bad things!” You crossed your arms defensively.

Lynnlynn snickered. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Well…” You thought about it for a moment. “I’ve been drunk before.”

Lynnlynn feigned shock. “Oh my god, you’re out of control!”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Look, I didn’t have a lot of freedom growing up, okay? So, like, doing anything even slightly rebellious is a big deal for me.”

Lynnlynn’s eyes fell. “Yeah, I know,” he said, his voice softer.

You hesitated for a moment, wanting to change the subject. “I mean, I’m sure your life wasn’t perfect either. You have The Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Road all marked up, for fuck’s sake. Do you hate yourself or something?” You joked.

Lynnlynn shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, I don’t know. I feel like the best art is made from pain.” He flicked his cigarette again.

You looked at him for a moment as he looked out the window. “Do you write a lot?” You asked.

“What?” He questioned, looking back at you, confused.

You pointed to his notebook. “Your songs. Do you write a lot of them?”

“Oh.” Lynnlynn leaned over and grabbed the notebook, closing it so you couldn’t see his words anymore. “I told you not to read that.”

“Where do you pull it from?” You pressed on.

“What are you going on about?” He asked, exasperated.

“I mean, if you say the best art comes from pain, what’s yours?”

Lynnlynn scrutinized you. “I never said my shit was good.”

You shrugged. “I think it is.”

“Well, that’s your opinion.”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

“I don’t have any pain, okay! I’ve had a pretty good life. Apart from you.” Lynnlynn placed the cigarette between his lips and silence overcame the room.

“That’s bullshit. You don’t turn out the way you are just because of something like that. There’s something else.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he said, more quiet than defensive.

“You know what I mean. You don’t become some song-writing, lit-fic-reading, smoking jerk because your life is awesome.”

Lynnlynn pulled the cigarette from his lips. “Even if there were something, it’s none of your fucking business anyway.” He leaned over and pressed the cigarette butt into the ashtray, finally looking you in the eye with something that resembled defiance.

“You’re right. It’s not. You just know all my shit. You’ve been hearing it my whole life. It’s almost not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair.”

“Obviously.” You sighed. “Whatever, don’t tell me. I need to go get my car keys anyway.”

“What, you’re going back there?” Lynnlynn rose from his seat.

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I? I need my car if I wanna do pretty much anything.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, Lynn, it’s fine. It’ll just make things more complicated.” You rubbed your eyes.

“Then I’ll wait outside in case something happens.”

“It’s gonna be fine, Lynn. It’s not that big a deal. She’s not dangerous or anything. She just sucks.”

Lynnlynn nodded his head. “Okay. Well, if you need anything, you know where I’ll be.”

~

You walked over to your house–well, your mother’s house–and took a deep breath, mentally amping yourself up before you faced her. You wished above anything that you had had your fight on a Sunday night, as opposed to a Friday night, and that she would be at work, but her car remained parked in the driveway.

You shook your hands out, convincing yourself that the nerves were leaving your body with each shake. You stood in front of the door and stared at it for a moment. You could’ve sworn you felt eyes on you. You glanced up to Lynnlynn’s bedroom window, and there he was, peeking out at you. You lifted up a hand as if to wave to him, then thought better of it. Lynnlynn pulled his curtains shut and you looked away, but out of the corner of your eye, you saw the curtains flutter again when he thought you weren’t looking. It comforted you more than anything, knowing you at least had someone looking out for you, even if you still weren’t sure if he loved or hated you–or both. You weren’t totally sure how you felt about him, yourself.

You tried the door. Locked, of course. You pulled your keys from your pocket and stuck them in the deadbolt, waiting for the door to open as you twisted. But it didn’t. Something else still held you back. Had she put on an extra lock already? Did she really want you gone that badly? You palmed your face and took another deep breath before knocking on the door. Half of you expected her to not answer, but you knew she wouldn’t miss this opportunity to humiliate you.

You heard a lock snap behind the door before it opened a crack and your mother’s face peeked out. “I told you you can’t come back,” she spat at you. You forced yourself to look her in the eye, and all you saw was satisfaction.

“I don’t want to. I just forgot my car keys.” You motioned towards the house. “Can I get them? Or can you get them for me?”

Your mother stood up straight and leaned against the door frame. She was already wearing her signature jeans and old ratty t-shirt, hair slicked back into a ponytail. “The car’s in my name,” was all she said.

You sighed. “Mom, I don’t know what you want from me. We can get the title changed or whatever, but without a car, I can’t go very far.” You ran a hand through your hair and tugged.

“Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you were so rude to me.” Your mother crossed her arms.

“I mean, you were kinda rude, too,” you said quietly, looking down at the ground. You could tell your mother was glaring at you with that face you had come to loathe so deeply.

“So you’re gonna come crawling back to me, ask for my property, for free, and then disrespect me to my face? Who raised you to be like that? Because it certainly wasn’t me.”

You ignored her insult. “Since you want me gone so badly, I was hoping you’d understand why I need my car.” You could feel your emotions begin to bubble in your chest, but you forced them down.

You saw your mother smirk at you out of your peripheral vision. You knew if you looked her in the face you’d begin to cry. “Since you wanna pretend to be an adult so badly, why don’t you figure out how to make some money and buy yourself a car? I don’t care how you do it.”

“I did buy myself that car,” you said softly.

“Don’t you talk back to me!” Your mother raised her voice and flung her finger in your face. You flinched and took a step back, but stood your ground. “That car is in my name, and it’s on my property, so if you try to take it, you’re going to jail.” Your mother shook her head at you. “God, after all I’ve done for you. This is how you treat your mother?”

You took a few steps back, knowing it was useless. “Forget it. I should’ve known you’d act so fucking ridiculous.” You turned away from her and began to walk away, tears welling up in your eyes.

“Did you just curse at me?” Your mother yelled after you. “You know what? Take it. I don’t want that piece of shit anyways.” After a moment, you heard jangling behind you, so you turned around, only for your car keys to be thrown in your face. You felt a slicing pain near your eye, but you ignored it, just grateful to finally have access to your car. You bent down to grab your keys, then hurriedly ran down the driveway, unlocking your car. 

“I never wanna see you back here again, you hear me?” You tried to ignore your mother’s yells as you climbed in your car. “Next time I hear your name, it better be because you're dead.”

You slammed your car door behind you and started the car, not even worrying about your seatbelt before backing out of the driveway and spinning off. You clamped your hands on the wheel to keep them from shaking, trying to steady your breathing. No matter how many times your mother called you worthless, it still hurt every time. You felt tears running down your cheeks, but you couldn’t remember when you started crying. You quickly swiped at them, and saw red stains on your hands.

Blood? Were you bleeding? You felt a thumping near your eye. Your car keys. They hit you in the face. One of the sharp edges must have caught you somewhere. You didn’t care. You just kept driving. You didn’t know where you were going, you just didn’t feel safe back there.

You felt your phone begin to buzz in your pocket. You ignored it. It kept buzzing.

You found yourself at a nearby park with a large parking lot, and you quickly shut the car off, bringing your head to your hands for a moment to catch your breath. You hated that she still had this effect on you, even after all these years. You shoved your palms into your eyes and groaned–angry with yourself, angry at her, angry at the world. 

You shook your head and forced yourself to move on. Pulling your phone out of your back pocket, you decided to see who had been calling you:

3 missed calls from: lynn New text message from: lynn – call me New text message from: lynn – where are u New text message from: lynn – fine dont answer New text message from: lynn – i didnt mean that New text message from: lynn – just call me ok?

Shit. You had forgotten he was watching. You quickly dialed his number and held the phone up to your ear, clearing your throat, hoping your voice would sound normal.

He picked up after one ring.

“Hello?” Came his deep voice.

“Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t answer, that was just… a lot.” You tried to make your voice sound light.

“Where are you?”

“Uh, I don’t know, some park? I just had to go somewhere.”

“I know which one. I’m on my way.”

“What? No, Lynn, I’m fine, I just–”

“Stop. I’m already leaving.”

You sighed and looked down at your hand in your lap. “Fuck–Lynn?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you bring like a paper towel or something? She threw my keys and–”

“Already got it.”

“Oh.” You sat for a moment, stunned. “Okay. See you soon, I guess.”

The phone call cut. You pulled your phone away from your face and stared at it as if it would give you answers to all the questions in your head. Why was he being so protective over you all of a sudden? 

You rubbed at your hands, trying to rid them of the drying blood, but you kept having to wipe at your cheek to keep more droplets from falling. You were trying not to think about the awful things your mother had said to you, but they kept running through your head. Did she really wish you were dead? Did you care what she thought?

The sound of a car door slamming nearby tore you from your thoughts. You looked up to see Lynnlynn walking towards you, stoic as ever. You opened your car door and rose to meet him.

“Come here. We’re not staying,” he said shortly, ushering you to his vehicle.

“What? Why not?”

“We look sketchy as hell. Come on.” Lynnlynn placed his hand on your lower back and lightly pushed you into the passenger side of his beat-up car. He shut the door behind you before you could get another word in.

When he climbed in the driver’s side, you protested. “Since when have you cared about looking sketchy?”

“Since it’s a Saturday morning and we’re at a kid’s park and you’re covered in blood.”

You finally realized how the situation could look. “Oh. Yeah, I guess that could look pretty bad.”

Lynnlynn didn’t reply, just began to drive down the road. “Where are we going?”

“There’s a little lake with a place to pull in up here. There probably won’t be anyone there.” You nodded.

Lynnlynn pulled into the gravel drive and shut his car off, instantly seeming more relaxed. “Okay. Get out,” he ordered.

“God, so bossy,” you teased, but got out of the car nonetheless. The area was well-shaded by overgrown trees, and looked over a lake you knew well. You used to swim in it during the summertime with your friends when you were younger. Memories filled your senses and stung worse than your sliced eye.

“Sit.” Lynnlynn pointed to the hood of his car as he pulled out various medical items, ranging from some type of spray to band-aids to gauze.

“What the hell is all this?” You asked, cracking a smile as you pulled yourself up onto Lynnlynn’s car. “It’s not that bad.”

“You should see yourself,” Lynnlynn said, terse. He grabbed a set of wipes and pulled one out, bringing it towards your face. You immediately flinched away, not expecting him to be so straightforward. He pulled back and gave you a look that said, Seriously?

“Sorry,” you murmured. You leaned back towards him, allowing him to grab the back of your neck with one hand as he gently wiped away the dried blood from your cheek with the other.

“You wanna talk about it?” Lynnlynn offered.

You tried to shake your head, but his grip on you tightened. “No,” you said quietly. He nodded. Lynnlynn discarded the dirty wipe and handed you another one. 

“For your hands.”

“Thanks,” you said, taking the wipe. Lynnlynn grabbed the spray and you looked at the label–wound wash. He sprayed some on a q-tip and leaned into your eye, focusing.

“This might sting a little bit,” he said softly as he gently wiped at the gash on your eye. You tried to keep yourself from flinching, but your eyes involuntarily squeezed shut as the solution seeped into your wound. 

“Sorry,” you said, pulling back and wiping a tear from your eye.

“‘s okay,” he murmured. After a moment, you let him resume his cleaning. “It’s not that bad, really. Just in a tricky spot.” You felt the heat of his breath tickle your face, his signature smell of smoke entering your nose. You looked up at him. He had a freckle under each eye and one on the side of his nose. One on his upper lip. And his eyes–they were always so damn dark, almost black. But up close, you could see flecks of color in them. Dark brown, gold, almost grey. You took a deep breath, and you weren’t sure if it was because of the pain or the proximity.

“What?” Lynnlynn said, and you realized you were staring at him.

“Nothing.” You looked away from him. “Why do you have all this stuff anyway?” You asked, trying to change the subject.

“What, a first aid kid? Doesn’t everyone?”

“I mean, maybe, but not like this.”

“Mmm,” Lynnlynn murmured, ignoring your question. You sighed.

“Why don’t you ever answer my questions?”

“Because you ask stupid questions,” he said flatly.

“You’re a stupid question.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“You don’t make any sense.”

“That makes two of us.” Lynnlynn pulled away from you, reaching over to grab a small bandage. “Just try to keep this on for a little bit. Cleaning it made it start bleeding again.” Lynnlynn opened the package and carefully placed the band-aid along your cut, pressing his fingers into your skin. You tried not to look at him. “There. Good as new,” he said, cleaning up all of his belongings.

“Thank you,” you murmured, climbing off of his car. You walked towards the lake. “Y’know, I used to swim here all the time as a kid.”

“Me too.”

You turned your head to look at him. “Really? I mean, I know we did together sometimes, but I never saw you out here apart from that.”

“Before you moved here.”

“Oh. With what friends?” Lynnlynn had always been a loner. You couldn’t remember ever seeing him play with other kids. Lynnlynn ignored your question. “See, there you go again, not answering. Drives me fucking nuts.”

“Maybe that’s why I do it.” Lynnlynn finished packing up and walked over to you. “Why do you care anyway?”

You shrugged and looked back out to the water. “I don’t know. Wanna learn more about you, I guess. You’re all I have left here.”

Lynnlynn considered this for a moment. “I don’t wanna be your friend just because you’re out of options.”

“No,” you palmed your face, accidentally hitting your eye. “Ow, dammit.”

“Careful!” Lynnlynn scolded you. 

“Sorry!” You crossed your arms. “Anyway, that’s not what I meant. I mean, yeah, I don’t really have anywhere else to go right now. But, I don’t totally hate your company.” Lynnlynn scoffed. “Like, you piss me off, but you keep me on my toes or whatever. And you’ve got this mysterious aura about you that drives me fucking crazy. You’re this big enigma. Like I’m reading a good book and I have to know the ending.”

“So you can just forget about it once you know what happens?” He sneered. “I’m not some fucking code for you to crack, okay?”

“No!” You tugged at your hair. “That’s not what I meant, either. I’m not good at explaining things. It’s just… it’s like when you just wanna be around someone, even when they drive you crazy. And you just wanna know more about them. Like, in a friendly way, y’know?” Lynnlynn stared at you, expressionless. “Fucking nevermind, just forget it.” You waved him off. “Pretend I didn’t say anything, that was weird.” Your hands returned to the hair at the base of your neck.

“You do that a lot.”

“Huh?”

“Pull at your hair. You do that a lot when you’re frustrated.”

You flopped your hands at your sides, embarrassed. “Yeah, I know. Because you frustrate me a lot.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Exactly.”

Lynnlynn sighed as you walked towards the water, bending down to play with some algae-covered pebbles. You heard crunching footsteps approaching behind you. Lynnlynn sat beside you, leaning back on his hands, squinting into the sun.

“Look, I’m not good with words. Or people. But I’m trying. In my own way.”

You sighed and closed your eyes. “I know you are. I’m sorry.”

“I haven’t really tried to have a close friend in a while. I think I forgot how.” You looked at him, hoping he would continue. He licked his lips and looked away, as if he were unsure if he should keep talking.

“I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. Where would I go?” You tried to joke.

“Yeah.” Lynnlynn hung his head, then leaned forward, picking at the grass in front of him. “I wasn’t always such a jerk.”

You nodded your head. “I figured as much.” He nodded back.

“I…” He took a deep breath. “Did you ever hear about who lived in your house before you?”

You thought back through your life for a moment, but couldn’t recall. “No, I don’t think so.”

Lynnlynn pulled at the grass. “There was a family that lived there. With a girl around my age. We were really close for a few years.” He paused, taking a breath.

“What happened? Did she move away?” You tried to help.

Lynnlynn popped a smirk. “Yeah, something like that.” You stayed quiet, allowing him to continue if he wanted. He shook his head, as if ridding himself of unwanted memories. “When she… left, I never really got over that. Losing my best friend. And then you guys moved into her house so soon afterwards. I was just so angry. And I guess I took it out on you. I just wanted her back.” Lynnlynn’s voice cracked slightly at the last word, and he looked away, wiping at his face.

You didn’t know whether to console him or leave him be. You scooted closer to him experimentally and noticed that his eyes were glassy, but he let no tears fall.

He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I never really had close friends after that. I didn’t want them. I didn’t want to go through something like that again. And then I guess I just forgot how to have friends.” Lynnlynn looked back out at the lake, more composed now. You tentatively lifted a hand and laid it on his back, attempting to comfort him. “It’s not even a big deal. I mean, it was so long ago, what happened…” he deflected.

You knew there was something more that he was hiding. “Lynn, what actually happened?” You asked softly.

He glanced at you from the side of his eye. “I told you. She left. That’s it,” he said sharply.

You nodded, not wanting to press him too far, just thankful that he was sharing anything with you. “I’m sorry I moved into her house. I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t. There’s no way you could have. It was stupid of me to take it all out on you. I was just so mad.”

“It’s okay, Lynn. I understand. You were just a kid,” you reassured softly.

“Doesn’t make it okay. You had enough going on.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You weren’t that bad.”

Lynnlynn glanced at you. “Y/N, one time I put a dead frog on your front doorstep and you literally stepped on it with your bare foot. That’s pretty bad.”

You grimaced. “Yeah, that was pretty awful. I’m still not very fond of frogs.”

“See?”

“But, Lynn, you were just goofing around! It’s no big deal. Plus, I wasn’t very nice to you either. It’s not like it was one-sided.”

Lynnlynn sighed. “I guess you’re right. I just wonder how things could’ve been if I hadn’t been such a dick in the first place.”

You thought about it for a moment. “I can’t picture it,” you said with a smile, trying to get a grin out of him. He smirked slightly. “Things are okay now, aren’t they? I mean, you’re still a dick, but you’re not so bad anymore.”

Lynnlynn rolled his eyes at you. “Thanks, I feel so much better now.”

You patted him on the back and then removed your hand. “Good.” You looked out at the water rippling from a slight breeze that had begun to pick up. “Y’know, you make a lot more sense to me now.”

Lynnlynn frowned. “I’m not sure if I like that.”

You laughed at him. “Well, think of it like we’re more even now. You know my shit and I know some of yours.”

Lynnlynn raised his eyebrows. “Some of? You expect me to tell you more?”

You shrugged. “I mean, eventually. We still have a lot to get to know about each other. Not just the bad stuff, the fun stuff, too,” you said, trying to lift some of the seriousness that had settled between you two.

“How are we supposed to do that?”

You thought for a moment. “Okay, how about this? Let’s go for a walk and play twenty questions.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, we each ask each other a bunch of questions that we have to answer.”

“I don’t think that’s how you play that game.”

“Well, that’s how I play it. What do you say?”

Lynnlynn rolled his eyes. “Fine.” You both rose to your feet and dusted off your pants, slowly starting off on the path around the lake. “What kind of questions are these supposed to be?”

“Whatever kind of questions you want them to be. Here, I’ll start. What do you wanna do  when you graduate?”

Lynnlynn shrugged. “I dunno, I haven’t really thought that far ahead. Get the fuck out of here. Something with music or writing.”

“See? Easy. Now you ask me a question.”

“Umm… I don’t know. The same question I guess.” 

You sighed. “Honestly? I think I wanna be an editor. But I know that’s never gonna happen. So, I dunno, maybe a teacher?”

“You should go for it. Be an editor.”

“It’s just such a difficult field to get into, I dunno.”

“Yeah, you won’t know unless you try.”

You rolled your eyes. “I guess. We’ll see. I don’t really wanna think about it right now. So, my turn. Favorite movie?”

“The Thing. The 1982 version, though. Not that new shit,” he specified. “Yours?”

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

“Never seen it.”

“Maybe we’ll have to change that. It really hurts, but it’s beautiful. Kinda goes with your pain theory.”

“Fantastic,” he said bluntly.

“My turn. Do you only write songs, or other stuff too?”

Lynnlynn glanced at you. “I write a lot of different stuff.”

“You should let me read some of it sometime.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s my turn.” You sighed. “Where’s your dad at?”

“Oh, damn,” you said, caught off guard.

“Too much?”

You shook your head. “No, it’s fine, I just thought you knew already.” Lynnlynn looked at you expectantly. “Okay. Well, I’m not really sure. He cheated on my mom a bunch when they were together, and then he just left one day when I was a kid. Never saw him again.” You shrugged and looked at him.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s no big deal, really. It’s not like he was awesome when he was around. He just created more turmoil from what I remember.”

Lynnlynn nodded. “And your mom never tried to remarry or anything?”

“It’s my turn. So, why can’t I read anything you’ve written?”

He smirked at you. “I don’t really have a great answer for you. It’s private? Not meant to be seen?”

“Why make stuff if not for it to be seen?”

“It’s my turn.”

“Oh. Right. No, my mom never tried to remarry. She dated a bit when I was younger, but that didn’t really turn out well. I think she blames me for that, too.”

“What do you–dammit. Your turn. Um, I don’t think art needs to be seen for it to be worth something. It’s cathartic to me. It means something to me, and that’s all I care about. I don’t give a fuck what anybody else thinks. Why do you think your mom blames you for her not being able to date?”

You scratched your head. “I, uh, didn’t get along well with some of her boyfriends. I think she just viewed me as a burden that hindered her life or something.”

Lynnlynn spared a glance at you, but didn’t say anything.

“My turn.” You looked ahead and kept walking. “So, if you don’t give a fuck what other people think about your art, why not let me see it?”

“I mean, if it were good, maybe I’d let you see it. If I ever make something good enough, maybe I’ll put it out there.”

“Why do you think your art isn’t good enough? Like, what would make it good?”

He let out a breath. “I don’t know. I mean, art is subjective, obviously. I just feel like it’s missing something.”

“Well, you said the best art is made from pain.”

“Yeah?”

“So, have you tapped into yours?”

Lynnlynn shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I don’t–I don’t know. I’m not sure if I know how to.”

You nodded. “Maybe that’s what’s missing?”

Lynnlynn looked off into the distance and smacked his lips. “Maybe.”

“Okay, your turn. I asked a couple questions, so now you ask some.”

Lynnlynn thought for a second. “You ever been in a relationship?”

You snickered. “I mean, yeah.”

“But you’re not in one now?”

You rolled your eyes. “No. Why do you ask?”

“I’m just asking questions.”

“Well, what about you?”

“No, I’m not. It was still my turn though. When was your last relationship?”

You thought about it for a moment. “I briefly dated some guy last semester, but I wouldn’t really call it a relationship. I guess before that it was… senior year? What about you?”

He shrugged. “I’ve dated a lot, but I don’t know if I’ve ever been in a serious relationship.”

“Really?” You asked.

“Is that so bad? I mean, you’re the one who always talks about how awful I am.”

“No I don’t! I’m trying to be better! And no, that’s not bad at all. It’s kind of… cute?”

Lynnlynn furrowed his brow and looked at you. “Ew. Don’t ever call me cute. It’s not like I couldn’t find anybody to be in a relationship with. I just didn’t want to.”

“Right, right.” You nodded. “So, then, have you kissed someone before?”

“Of course I have!” Lynnlynn looked offended. “It was my turn anyway. Let’s see… What do you want in a partner?”

“God, why are we getting all romantic now?” Lynnlynn shrugged like you offended him. “Okay, fine! Um…” You had never really thought about it. The people you dated were more out of obligation than anything. Seeing your mother’s relationships had turned you off to the idea. “I don’t really know. There aren’t a lot of specific things I look for. I kind of just want somebody I can hang out with. Just enjoy the mundane things with. I wanna be best friends more than anything.”

Lynnlynn looked at you and nodded. “That might be the first thing we actually agree on.”

You smiled at him. A true, genuine smile. For the first time in a while.

Lynnlynn continued his questions. “What’s your biggest goal in life?”

“Oh, wow, really coming in with the heavy hitters,” you sighed.

“Isn’t the point to get to know each other better?”

You nodded. “Yeah, I guess. I just thought you’d ask questions like, ‘What’s your favorite book?’ or ‘Favorite song?’”

“I asked what your favorite movie is.”

You smirked at him. “I suppose that’s true.”

“What is your favorite book?”

“You don’t actually have to ask me that if you don’t care.”

“I do care. But I figured I’d learn that stuff over time. I think the questions I’m asking are more important right now.”

You exhaled through your nose. You hate that he made sense. “It’s going to sound really cliche, but I just want to be content. I don’t want chaos in my life anymore. I want a quiet, peaceful life.”

Lynnlynn nodded with a satisfied smile on his face.

“What?” You asked him, grinning.

He glanced at you, dropping the smirk. “Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”

You let it go. “And my favorite book is The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It’s about–”

“I’ve read it. It’s a great book.” You glimpsed up at him and he was already looking at you. You felt your cheeks begin to warm up, so you looked away. You were already almost back at Lynnlynn’s car.

“My turn?” You asked. He nodded in confirmation.

“Okay. Um… That song in your notebook. Is it about me?”

You thought you saw Lynnlynn stumble for a moment, but he caught himself quickly. “No.”

“Then who’s it about?”

“It’s not your turn. Are you hungry?”

You stopped. “What?”

“I asked if you’re hungry.”

“Lynn, please answer my question.”

Lynnlynn stopped a few steps ahead of you and scoffed. “It’s about my old friend that’s gone, okay?”

You thought about the lyrics. “No, it’s not.”

He looked at you like you just spat on him. “What do you mean? I’m the one that wrote it.”

“Yeah, but I read it, and that doesn’t really make sense.”

“How the fuck would you know? Why would it even be about you anyway?”

You flinched backwards for a moment. “Well, I guess I wouldn’t. And maybe I’m projecting or something, but it really sounds like you’re talking about me in those lyrics,” you pressed.

He shook his head. “Whatever. I wrote them a long time ago. It doesn’t even matter.”

“It matters to me.” Lynnlynn turned away from you. “Look, I don’t care if they’re about me. I don’t care if you like me, or whatever. I don’t care if you don’t know. I just wanna know if you wrote them with me in mind.”

Lynnlynn kicked the gravel ahead of him. “Fuck it,” you heard him murmur. “I don’t give a fuck.” He turned around to face you. “Yeah, they’re about you. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?”

You felt your heart get trapped in your throat. You knew it, but his confirmation made it actually true. He said he wasn’t sure how he felt about you, but you knew. 

You took a few steps toward him as he kicked the dirt around him. “It’s okay, Lynn. Don’t be embarrassed.”

“How the fuck am I not supposed to be embarrassed?” He held his palms out to you as he raised his voice. “You weren’t supposed to know. That was private! Nosy bitch.”

You slowly felt rage bubble up inside you. “Y’know what, Lynn? Do you know what else was private? Those fights with my mom. Those nights where I sat outside and cried my fucking eyes out. I only did that because I thought I was alone. If I knew you were listening, there’s no fucking way I would’ve ever let you hear. And you leached off of my trauma and wrote fucking songs about it. How sick is that?”

Lynnlynn rubbed his face in his hands. “What was I supposed to do, Y/N? Just ignore you? Would that have been better? Was I supposed to hear your mom call you all those awful names and feel nothing? Should I have just closed the window when I heard you crying at night? Should I have just pretended I didn’t hear you? Would that have been better?”

You pulled at your hair. “I don’t fucking know. I don’t know, okay! I’m just confused. It’s a lot to take in. You liking me and all.”

“I never said I fucking liked you.”

“You said you wanted me! In your song!”

“I don’t know what the fuck I was talking about, obviously.”

You hesitated for a moment. “So you don’t like me?”

He frowned at you. “Does it matter?”

You shrugged and looked down at the dirt beneath you. “I dunno. I mean, kind of.”

Lynnlynn paused. “Why? It’s not like you’d ever feel the same.”

You glanced up at him. “Yeah, no, of course not.”

He scoffed. “Then why does it matter if I like you?”

Your heart swirled around in your chest. “I don’t know. I just thought… I don’t know. I was thinking, maybe…” You shook your head. “Just fucking forget it. I’m leaving.” You started to walk past him angrily, as if you were on a mission.

Lynnlynn grabbed your wrist as you passed him, pulling you back towards him again. You were forced to face him, anger versus anger. You stared into his eyes and he looked back and forth between yours, trying to see your thoughts through them.

“Look, I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing,” Lynnlynn whispered to you, breaking the tense silence.

You pursed your lips. “Yeah, evidently.” You pulled your wrist away from his grip. “You’re so fucking confusing, Lynn. One minute, I think I’m something special to you, and the next, you make me feel like shit.” You could see the hurt appear in Lynnlynn’s eyes as you spat the words at him. “Fucking figure out what you want and then give me a call.” You stormed away from him, the gravel crunching beneath your shoes. 

“Y/N, where are you going?” Lynnlynn called after you exasperatedly.

“None of your business, Lynn!” You shouted back, still walking away. “It’s not like you really care anyway.”