#mod sid

Hey, all, welcome to part of Virgil’s and Deceit’s backstory! It takes place about eleven months before the campaign and kinda explains why Deceit and Virgil are the way they are with each other now. Mod Sid and I (Mod Angel) wrote this together over the last month, and we hope you enjoy! 

 The title is a line from Mitski’s song “Nobody.”

Ships: (past) Anxceit

Warnings: alcohol, sympathic Deceit, mentions of torture, kissing

       Dee is honestly surprised he hadn’t ended up in a jail cell sooner. That isn’t to say he’s never been thrown in one before. No, with stealing and running and fighting since he was a kid, Dee had become fairly familiar with small town jails. What was surprising was that he hadn’t gotten himself locked up in the two months since Virgil left.

       Two months ago, Dee was planning to propose. Two months ago, Virgil Abett broke up with him. Two months ago, Virgil ran away from him as fast as he could. And Dee had gotten reckless since Virgil left. Most nights he was knocking back drink after drink in whatever tavern he stumbled into, making increasingly shady deals with untrustworthy people, and caring less and less about keeping up appearances of being even human-esque. 

       But tonight was the first time in two months his actions really caught up to him. He had been on his second shot of vodka when everything went to hell. A dwarf who Dee had stolen a considerable amount of diamonds from burst through the doors of the tavern and instantly brandished an axe. Dee convinced the human next to him to help defend him, and quickly it turned into fairly bloody bar fight. Of course, the bartender called the police, and explained it was Dee who started the whole thing. With a busted lip, clothing reeking of alcohol, and skin just every so slightly shifting to reveal scales, it was easy to pin him as the main offender. 

                                                          ~~

        Dee sits alone in the jail. They took his weapons and his gold, but the spider necklace he’s had since he was fifteen stays hung around his neck, and the purple engagement ring stays hidden in the pockets of his pants. (He carried it around with him for months waiting for the right moment. Once Virgil was gone the habit continued). The cell is cold, and the alcohol still running in his system is making it hard to keep his human form. Across his body scales shift back and forth into skin. He’s acutely aware of his chest, and he is sure his left eye is shining bright gold. Dee has never been good at keeping one form. Alcohol, adrenaline, and trying not to cry over his ex-boyfriend certainly didn’t help.

        He shuts his eyes and tries to think of nothing. It used to work when he was a kid. He could focus on the sounds around him and keep his body semi-stable. For a moment his mind is empty, and all he is aware of his is the itch of his constantly transforming skin. It doesn’t last. The room is too cold. He’s never done well with cold. He pulls his cloak around himself. Except it’s not really his cloak. It’s too long for him, and it’s a shade purple he’d never pick out for himself, and worse of all it still smells like Virgil. Virgil had left most of his clothes in the rush to get away from Dee. It would be easier if Dee only thought about their fights, the mean things they would shout at the top of their lungs, and the sight of Virgil running away from him.

        But he couldn’t just remember the bad; their 1st kiss and 30th kiss would get muddled. The nights they stayed up laughing and talking about things they’d never say to anyone else. The way Virgil would brush fingers over Dee’s scales. It hurt to think. It hurt more much to forget.

       It hurt too much, and the jail cell was too cold. 

       He needs to move on. Get a bad haircut and fuck some hot dude who he’ll never see again. He needs to be like normal people who get broken up with. But when has Dee ever been able to be normal?

       Dee lays down on hard floor, yanks the cloak even closer to him, and wills himself  to sleep. He dreams about a cottage on a hill. Inside Virgil would be humming a Panic! at the Elf song while making french toast. It is quiet and domestic. Dee has his head on Virgil’s shoulder, and they are happy and safe in a way they never got to be growing up.

                                                        ~~

       When Virgil gets shoved in the jail cell, he was surprised to see that he isn’t alone - didn’t officers try to keep criminals separated? - but when he sees who it is, he stopped short. Didn’t even notice the officer leave. Deceit is asleep, and Virgil can swear he’s smiling. Virgil hopes its a good dream - he hates what he knew he must have done to his boyf- his ex. Virgil takes off his hoodie and puts it around Dee’s shoulders, knowing that even with a cloak that Virgil is pretty sure used to be his, Dee must be cold. It is too cold in here, but hey, a half elf can stand it. Certainly, Virgil knew he could stand the cold more than Deceit can; it is a miracle he is even asleep, to be honest. All Virgil can do now is hate himself for the past, and wait for Dee to wake up. 

       An hour and a half later, Dee opens up his eyes, and for a minute Dee thinks he is either still dreaming or he has travelled backwards in time. Leaning against the wall across from him is a lankly half-elf with stupidly swoopy bangs, a band t-shirt, and ripped fishnet leggings. His shoulders feel heavier. He looks down to see Virgil’s purple patchwork hoodie hung around his shoulders.  If this was real – if Virgil had also gotten thrown in jail – Dee had not heard the officer open the gate. He and Virgil had always had a knack for accidentally running into each other. It was odd that this hadn’t happened sooner. Unless, that is, if Virgil had been purposefully hiding from him.

       “Virge?” Dee cringes at how happy his voice sounds.

       Virgil looks down at him, seemingly expressionless. He tries to be stone cold, but hates it. He wants Dee to know that he still loves him, that he didn’t mean to run for so long. Virgil was sure that Deceit hates him - why wouldn’t he? So Virgil would make Deceit think that he hates him too, to lessen the heartbreak. 

       “What are you doing here?” Dee asks, carefully.

       Virgil walks over and offers Dee a hand up. Too obvious, but whatever. I can’t not help him. Virgil thinks to himself.

                                                              ~~

       Dee tightens the hoodie around his shoulders unconsciously. Neither the hoodie nor the cloak beneath is doing much to keep him warm, but both are covered in Virgil’s scent of lavender and apples. He doesn’t trust himself to touch Virgil because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to let go of him again. But would that really be so bad? He grabs Virgil’s hand and does everything he can to stop himself from melting into the touch. 

      Fuck, Deceit was grabbing his hand. Virgil tightened his hand, never wanting to let Dee go again. Virgil pulls him up, and they both let their hands linger in one another’s grasp for a little too long. 

      Virgil lets go first, and Dee tries to reach back out, but stops himself. Letting go hurts more than the bottle that got smashed over Dee’s head earlier tonight. 

       Letting go of Deceit’s hand hurts more than the torture Virgil recently was dealing with, until tonight, anyway.

                                                          ~~

       “What are you doing here?” Dee repeats a little more aggressively and urgently. 

       “That’s not your business anymore, Deceit.” The way Virgil says his name, says the name Virgil coined for him, makes Dee physically nauseous. It’s full of poison and contempt instead of annoyance and love. 

       It hurts Virgil to talk to Dee like that, to say his full name like that. But he has to. He had to protect him - especially from the people that Virgil had just escaped from. If he could make them think that they hated each other, all the better for his ex. Virgil was doing this to protect himself and Dee. If only he could convince himself of that.

       “Besides,” Virgil continues, “it’s not like I could’ve done anything worse than you did to end up here.”

       Dee forces himself to have some of his normal confidence, “Oh please, you’re the one whose fingerprints are on every crime we did together. I did the talking. You’re the one who actually did the crime.”

      Virgil almost smiles at their old familiar banter, before remembering he doesn’t have the privilege of smiling with Deceit anymore. He knew exactly how to hurt Deceit, though, and would never want to- but he also knew he had to.

      “I’m not the one who murdered multiple people.” Virgil winced internally. Dee bares his sharp canines, “The only reason you’re still alive is because I saved your ass.” 

       ‘How many times, Dee? How many times did I fail you?’ Virgil thought, his heart breaking every moment he looked at his former boyfriend. He would never say that aloud, though. He couldn’t, not now. 

       “How long have you been waiting to tell me that lie?”

       “I don’t lie to you!” Any part of Dee’s body that was still holding on to his human form melts away revealing the truth, scales and all.

       “All you do is lie to me!” There are tears blinking out of Virgil’s eyes. He hopes Deceit wouldn’t notice. 

       “You can’t really believe that, can you?” Dee steps close enough to Virgil that he could reach out and touch him. 

       Virgil wishes he could hold Deceit, could melt into his arms once more. But he can’t, not ever again. 

       “I don’t know what to believe. I can’t trust you. I don’t even want to look at you.” Virgil couldn’t help but realize that if Dee were telling the truth, that their roles would be reversed - with him as the liar. Too bad that that wasn’t the case. This hurt too much, he couldn’t do this. He hated this. He just wants to kiss Deceit.

       “I was just trying to keep you safe,” as Dee speaks he can’t stop himself. He reaches to touch Virgil to cup his face. 

       “Stop saying that. Stop lying. For once just stop.” Virgil wishes that Deceit wouldn’t pretend to still love him. Virgil had hurt him too much. So why does he lean into Deceit’s hand? 

       They stay like that for a moment, breathing in sync, and looking into one another’s eyes.

       “Virgil,” Dee says in a much quieter voice, “I’m not lying. You are the only thing that has ever made sense to me.” Dee wants to tell Virgil how much he doesn't want their relationship to be another thing he ruins. He wants to be able to go back and fix things. To know how to love in the right way. But he can only shift his skin, not his actions.

       “I… Dee, I…” I want to tell him the truth. I want to kiss him. I want to… I want him. Virgil could soon hear nothing else. 

       “Vir-” The name is cut off by Virgil’s lips.

                                                           ~~

       Kissing each other  is uncomplicated. It’s something they know  how to do right. It’s perfectly familiar. Their mouths move together, a dance they’ve rehearsed for years and years. Virgil pulls them together, and Dee pushes them up against the bars. There’s no room between their bodies, and if Dee doesn’t think too hard he can’t tell where his forms stops and Virgil’s begins. It’s so close to how things were just two months ago. But there’s something different. Under all the sweetness there is something decaying, and neither of them can run from it. Yet they stay kissing, hoping against hope that they can make this moment last. Hoping as one that they can stay like this, until they can’t.

       “I love you,” Dee whispers against Virgil’s bottom lip. He doesn’t mean to say it. He doesn’t think about how much those three words have changed in only sixty days.

       Virgil stiffens, and his hold on Dee’s waist loosens. “Do you have to? Isn’t me leaving you enough? Why do you hate me enough to lie like that?”

       “I don’t lie to you.”

       “I can’t know that.”  Virgil can’t know. He wishes to anything that he could.

      “I’ve never lied about loving you.”

       Virgil takes his hands away from Dee but keeps their bodies close. It would be so easy to fill the gap; both of them want to. Yet neither does. 

       “Vee, let’s just start over. Let’s go back to normal.” 

       “No.” Not with you hating me while I love you more than anything. Please, stop breaking me. Virgil silently begs after the short, clipped answer he gives.

       “We’ll make it work. I’ll be better. We could be happy again!”  The weight of the engagement ring in Dee’s pocket feels three times heavier. 

       “No!” Virgil quickly lets Deceit go - why torture them both even more? Virgil doesn’t even notice the tears. 

       “Why not?” Dee’s yelling now, and he’s pretty sure he’s crying too.

       “I don’t want that anymore. I can’t want that anymore.” Not if you don’t want me too. I hurt you, you don’t want me, why are you trying so hard to convince me that you do?

       Something constricts inside Dee’s chest, “I don’t get it. Why does it matter? So I killed someone, so what? It wasn’t the first time. You didn’t care about the other times. Why now? Why is this enough to make you run away from everything we had- from me?”

       “I- I don’t know. I was scared, and I don’t want to be scared of you. I can’t love you if you frighten me.” Virgil winces at the straight lie - but he won’t tell Deceit. He won’t burden him with the knowledge of what Virgil has been going through for the last month and a half. 

      “This isn’t fair!” Hot tears are sprinting down Dee’s face, “You were supposed to be my happily ever after.”

       “...And you were supposed to be mine! You used to be mine!”

       “So what, you just want to throw away the entire life we had together?!” Deceit shouts.

       I don’t, but you do. You hate me. I miss you. Virgil winces. “I can’t love you anymore.”

       “Don’t you mean that you can’t love people like me? Murderers, monsters, and everything in between?” 

       “Stop putting words in my mouth.” Virgil stares him down.

       “Then say what you mean.” 

        Virgil doesn’t answer, and turns away from him.

                                                        ~~

       They haven’t spoken to one another in fifteen minutes, but they’re sitting on the cold ground side by side. Neither could say how they ended up there. Dee’s left knee is dangerously close to Virgil’s right. An old contact of Dee’s is supposed to bail them out in the morning, but that’s still hours away. 

       Two months ago if they had been thrown into jail together they would be cuddled together or planning their escape or kissing. Now they aren’t looking at each other, and any words spoken seem to die on the cold concrete of the cell.

       The uncomfortable quiet is worse than the cold. Deceit doesn’t have Virgil’s jacket anymore - he threw it at Virgil’s back as he walked away from their conversation.

       Dee wishes he could ask if they can travel together again. He doesn’t though because he doesn’t think Virgil would say yes. Two months ago, Dee should have asked a very different question that he didn’t know if  Virgil would say yes to. 

       Virgil wishes he could ask Deceit to stay. To be with him again. But he knows he can’t, knows that he can never be with him again after what he’s done to his boyf- to his ex-boyfriend. 

       In the morning, Virgil walks to the tavern, and Dee quickly makes his way out of the town.  

I almost forgot, but I would like to introduce: