#moceit angst

It took me a while till I knew

"There is nobody better than you,

But you knew from the start that it was us, didn't you

It just took me a while till I knew"

Janus being jealous of Patton for the way he is so appreciated and not understanding why he was placed on such a high pedestal until Virgil left, and he saw how much happier he felt with Patton within (probably) a month than he has ever in the years they spent together.

Would you spare me your voice if I call

"Now I lay as I study a blank wall

'Cause you waited and watered my heart 'till it grew

You just grew a little smarter, too"

He has accepted that Virgil is never coming back and is in deep thought of everything he has done that made the emo make this decision. He decided to ask Patton for help on how to be better like him and Patton was more than eager to help. Patton has been by Janus's side for the longest of times and had offered him guidance, but he still remained cautions of the snake. Patton knew that Janus was smarter than him when it came to almost anything, but Janus's weakness was Patton's strength and that was emotions.

Janus was brain smart.

Patton was emotional smart.

If you want to bury me in your memory

"So I don't blame you

I'm not the girl I ought to be, but

Maybe when you tell your friends

You can tell what you saw in me

And not the way I turned out to be"

He realizes the truth and doest blame Patton for giving up or losing hope on Janus and only letting him be a part of his memory rather than apart from his life. And he tells this to Patton. He lets Patton live his life without him but asks him to do him a single favour. To tell the others about his good qualities as well as the good he did in the past and not about the way he strayed way from his help and becoming the person he is now.

“There i some kind of burning inside me,

Its kept me from falling apart

and I'm sure that you’ve seen what it's done to my heart

but its kept me from falling apart”

Janus is Thomas’s self-preservation. That is his purpose but due to the nature of society he has adapted the ways of deceit and denial to fulfil societies demands making those traits of his dominant his main purpose for Thomas. But he isn't made about it, in fact, he is quite okay with it even though he knows that this could change not only Thomas view on him but also the others and Patton knows of this. He tries to help Janus from becoming this person as he worries about him but if Janus can't be taken serious as self-preservation than this has to be the next best thing. The snake knows of the consequences of this decision but what else can he do about it then accept it.

“Now here I lay as I wonder about you

Would you just tell me what I'm meant to do?

'Cause I've waited and watered my heart 'til it grew

You can see how it's blossomed for you”

He is constantly asking morality on what he should do, what is the next best step, what is his purpose if he has been ignored and forgotten for so many years. He is more knowing of Paton's patience and realizes how much he has been relying on him for everything and that if it weren't for Patton's kindness and humility than he would be in a far worse situation.

“And I don't blame you

If you want to bury me in your memory

I'm not the girl I ought to be, but

Maybe when you tell your friends

You can tell them what you saw in me

And not the way I am”

This is the same line from earlier, but the music is far more intense which I like to think is Janus being more accepting of this harsh reality for him. He is now begging Patton to tell to the others about the potential he saw in Janus even if it means to lie and to never let them know of the way he turned out because Patton is the only other person who truly knows Janus. Better than Virgil because Patton was able to see a more sensitive side to the snake while Virgil only witnessed him doing his job as deceit and not self-preservation.

“And I don't mean to make your heart blue

But could we be what we're meant to be?

I'm just about to beg you, please

You can tell them what you saw in me

And then, when you tell your friends

And not the way I used to be”

A small, apparently unrelated, laugh escaped him. 

“I didn’t mean to make you nervous”. 

This time, Janus did look at him straight in the eye. Patton felt he had been shoved under the bus of his gaze, it was not painful, but quite intimidating. Which was weird because, if Virgil was anything to go by, Janus had the tendency to shove people down a flight of stairs, not busses. Still, he played dumb and kept his goofy facade on.  

“Nervous?” the eyebrow of Janus’ human side raised to a height that could have been a mile, in a road trip straight to an expression of dubiousness. What a time on the cat-bus, or, well, snake-bus. 

He could have explained he’d come to realise that Janus had the pesky habit of deflecting with sass and not-so-subtle melodrama when confronted with something he did not like or when he got nervous. After all, his way of acting centered around getting what he disliked out of sight. Patton knew this first hand. Not because he knew Janus well, rather, due to the fact that he knew himself well enough. There are things one prefers to ignore. 

Patton had preferred to ignore the familiarity in Janus’ purpose and his, their personalities and motivations; which wasn’t exactly neat, being a dad and all. 

Perhaps it was time to step forward. 

To grow up. 

“I didn’t say it before and I think it’s not right for me to not let you know--”. 

Pursing his lips in an almost duckface, the reptile looked done with everything, and he hadn’t even heard the entire sentence. He rolled his eyes and raised his eyebrows, surprisingly proving that more of a bitch-face was indeed possible. 

“The entire interaction has been a delight and all, but let’s cut it here. If this is about Royal Pains then you don’t need to ‘let me know’ anything, he made himself clear, contrary to popular belief snakes are not deaf”. 

“That was not what I wanted to say” and, in all honesty, he would have rather not have Janus mention it. Now he was morally compelled to address the elephant in the room. He placed his hands on his hips to give himself an air of authority. “But both Roman and you said pretty nasty things and should go apologise each other”. 

“What a pity, there’s something in all of that jazz about talking to playground bullies that does not appeal to me. If I wanted to speak to children I’d just sit with Remus all day”. 

Patton frowned. 

That didn’t throw Janus off, and, by no means it made him want to comfort him to stop him from being upset. To suggest that would be ridiculous. But, if, let’s say, he did want to provide him with some degree of support, and this is one hundred percent hypothetical, he would hug him. Not that he’d ever  wondered about how that would feel like. 

“Do you think it is okay to just leave Roman feeling awful because you feel awful too?” Patton’s tone was kind as always, but his words did not tell the same story. “It might seem ‘fair’ but it’s not right. Using some other people’s vulnerabilities just because you’re angry, it is not even making you feel better. It only makes everyone more angry and sad. You too. Specially since you need to hear an apology as badly as Roman does--” 

“What would you know about me? I have told you my name, that’s about it. And.what.a.party.that.was. I am so thrilled that when I am at my most vulnerable, when I let my guard low cause I think: come on Janus, maybe it’s worth it, you could finally be heard and actually do your job… sorry, NO!” as if to further his point, or, most likely, his anger, he added a single fake laugh. “Someone has to barge in and make me feel like an absolute idiot for not hiding something for once. How is it that when Roman repeatedly uses others people’s vulnerabilities against people, for the sake of satiating his own need for self-importance, you turn a blind eye on it; but, when I do it I must be reprimanded? You’re all so self-righteous. Let me be the villain if needed be. I don’t need no apologies because neglecting the validation of the importance of my role is something I have always been able to handle. I don’t want your praise. Telling you my name is the last thing--” 

“Thank you”. 

The air left his lungs in a rush. All determination carried within his words deflated like a soufflè that had had the oven door opened too soon. A part of him bent to the gut punch of that sentence. He wanted to pry the mask of his eye caps. Cry. Always thinking that hearing it would leave him satisfied, proud, not disgruntled. Nevermind that quiet voice in the back of his head, screaming: yes! Finally! Finally. 

It would have made it easy if Patton had clearly taken a side in his and Roman’s vicious back-and-forth. But he’d mostly maintained himself neutral. Not to mention how laughably good it had felt to hear him imply he was right. And now that. No implications. Outright appreciation. Why did warmth feel so unbecoming? 

“What?” he answered in a tiny voice shoved in the middle of an exhalation. His face puckered ever-so-slightly. Yearning. It would have been more useful to keep it as a thought.

“That is what I came here to tell you. I forgot to say so before, with all fuzz, taking care of Roman and Thomas… I’m a busy dad, but I have to give an example, and when someone does something nice for you, you say thank you. I apologised so many times I forgot to say it more”. 

“You don’t need to thank me. I didn’t do it for you. Caring for Thomas… I was just doing my job”. 

“Yeah, but you did one snek of a job,” Patton laughed in a poor effort to break the tension between them. Only to fall back into the saccharine section of his disgustingly and not-at-all-endearing registre.“Janus, and it’s not okay to ignore that. Also… you kinda saved me”. 

Validation was something, huh. 

“You’re welcome, I guess”. 

It seemed that almost giving him a heart-attack was not enough. Patton had zero self-control and simply threw himself at Janus to capture him in a constraining hug. Who was the albino boa constrictor here? 

Not only did Patton smell like vanilla, cinnamon and a taint of chocolate, he was also oven-level of warm. The pillow-like feeling to his embrace would have made anyone sink in like a baby. 

Holy shit. 

If it hadn’t been so sudden Janus would have lost any shred of dignity and poise he’d hope to keep. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you nervous again” Patton disentangled himself from the other, seeing no reciprocation occuring. Maybe he should just change the subject and leave.

That had been horrible. Janus would forever deny the impulse to just melt Patton had so thoughtfully gifted him with. 

“I know Roman isn’t always... the kindest, but he really doesn’t mean it. He’ll change his mind about you eventually. I hope you can forgive each other then”. 

Janus looked at him with intensity. 

“I… need time”. 

“That is okay” he paused, considering. He might as well just take the second cookie. Fingers extended, because crossing them would make it really hard for him to grab the cookie, heh. “I’m not the smartest one, but if you ever need anything, I make really good muffins and always listen. You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to, you can say you came over because it’s warm”. 

“Only in for white lies. Lacks style, but it might make you slightly tolerable”. 

It was a bit sad to hear. Patton had hoped for a different kind of answer, but if Janus didn’t want to confide in him that couldn’t be forced. He’d have to give him some space and prove his good intentions one little step at a time. 

“Well, this frog is getting back to his pond. I’ll let you get back--” 

“I won’t consider your offer”. 

Oh? 

Oh!

Patton’s face lit up in the brightest of smiles. 

‘Great timing’ thought Janus. So opportune to just keep on nagging him towards a heart-attack. Wonderful.

“Oh, Janus” said Patton, just before he left. 

“What?” he asked, yet again. 

“It is a lovely name”. 

Taglist: 

Thomas was two when Deceit and Morality appeared, they were best friends from the get go. As Thomas grew up, they worked together to help Thomas decide what to do. They may not have had the same view on things but, they always worked through the arguments. As time went on other sides started to show up, even with all the changes the two opposing sides stayed friends. They were slowly starting to drift apart as Morality sided with Logic more often, the only one able to diffuse the arguments was King. It’s no wonder that the split was the final straw for Deceit.

“I’m sorry Deceit, I didn’t know what else to do! King was getting out of control! Logan said this was the best option.” Patton had pleaded with Deceit as he cradled the newly split creativity twins. “It’ll be easier to know which ideas are good.” That was when Deceit had walked away with Remus, ignoring Patton’s pleas for him to come back.

Those words resonated with him for years, ‘good’. What was that even supposed to mean? He watched as Remus struggled to form into his own side, watched as Virgil and him grew closer. Everything about his boys seemed ‘good’ to him, it was obvious that Patton didn’t feel the same. He tried to avoid direct conversation with him, still working alongside him when needed.

The next thing that broke Deceit’s soul was when Remus came back from the imagination in tears. The darker side of creativity clung to him, sobbing into his chest. While Deceit wasn’t able to understand most of what he had said a few words stuck out to him, specifically ‘Roman’, ‘Logan’, and the last phrase he cried out.

“I’m not evil, am I?” When Deceit heard that leave Remus’ voice, he felt the rage he had been holding back erupt. He tightened the hug, muttering reassurances to him. After that he had ceased all communications with the self-proclaimed ‘light sides’. For years he stayed hidden with Remus and Virgil, allowing his anger to fester and grow. From behind the scenes he worked on making their lives harder, allowing his anger to seep through. He sent Virgil to do his bidding, not wanting Remus near them or to face his old friend again.

It wasn’t until Virgil stopped joining them for dinner that Deceit realized something was wrong. He did some snooping, feeling his heart break when he saw him socializing with the light sides as if they were family. The next day Deceit showed himself for the first time in years, disguising himself as Patton to intervene in their plans. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but the anger only grew when Thomas refused to listen to him. That same night Patton had come down to the dark side, wanting to talk to him.

“Dee? Can I talk to you for a minute?” Patton had called out the second he appeared in the living room. Remus quickly sank out to his room, wanting to avoid the oncoming argument. Deceit sighed, turning to glare at Patton.

“I would love to talk to you Morality, nothing would make me happier.” Deceit muttered, walking off to the kitchen. Patton followed him, whining quietly.

“C’mon Dee! What you did today wasn’t okay, you can’t act like me to get what you want!” Patton complained, “And when did you start calling me Morality? You know my name.” Deceit ignored him, starting to make dinner for him and Remus. Patton huffed, pulling on Deceit’s capelet to get his attention. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Go away Morality,” Deceit grumbled, pulling his cape out of Patton’s grasp. He shook his head, walking away again. “It’s not like any damage was actually done.”

“No damage? You confused Roman! You were trying to get Thomas to lie to his friends! What’s gotten into you, you never used to be like this.” Patton crossed his arms over his chest, sighing as he looked at Deceit. Deceit rolled his eyes in response, trying to focus on cooking. He ignored the multiple attempts Patton made to start up the conversation again.

“Janus! Please talk to me, what did I do to make you ignore me?” Patton begged, tears welling up in his eyes.

“What did you do?” Deceit hissed out, turning around to glare at Patton. “What didn’t you do! Stop acting like we’re friends! You obviously don’t need me anymore; you have your new family now. You don’t need me.” He clenched his teeth, balling up his fists as he started to let his anger overwhelm him. “You decided that the others were more important than I was. You were the one who allowed them to shun me and label me as a ‘dark side’. You decided I was ‘bad’ and ‘evil’. So what did you do? Everything Patton, you did everything. Ever since the others showed up, nothing I did was good enough. You even separated King because you needed everything to be ‘good’. You took Virgil from me! Wasn’t pushing me out of your life enough? Why did you have to take him away too? Do you really hate me that much?”

Patton froze, his eyes going wide as Deceit ranted. He frowned and thought back on the occasions that he was yelling about. “Janus…….I didn’t know you felt like that. I never meant to make you feel like that. I don’t hate you, I never hated you.” The emotional side carefully took a step towards Deceit, reaching a hand out to him.

“DON’T LIE TO ME!” Deceit yelled out, his tears overflowing as his body shook. He stared at Patton who had stopped in his tracks, a shocked expression on his face. “I know what you’re doing…..stop it….please.” Deceit wiped his face, turning back around to finish cooking. He pretended to not notice Patton inching his way closer, turning the stove off and putting the food on a plate.