#miusesfics

whenever you're going over flashcards, he'd single you out, putting you on the spot. and if you aren't able within a second of him finishing the question, he'd degrade you in front of everyone.

"not as quick as i thought."

"imagine if a patient was dying in front of you and it took you that long to figure out what to do."

"are you able to elaborate on that or is all you know..?"

"how could you not know that, did you not read the index?" (come back to this)

"i knew you dumb but not this dumb, even m1s know this."

you had no idea these were things you said to your friends that you were trying to 'help'. which is something he also claimed to be doing. but you'd argue that as well.

the berating you in front of your friends was already embarrassing enough, but it was even worse when you were alone.

it's not like he became more sinister when you were studying alone with him. it just became more apparent to you that he wasn't trying to impress the study group, he actually thought these things about you.

and ogilvie was someone you admired, for his wits of course. yes he had moments when he didn't have the answer, but he knew how and when to find it.

you always knew you had to try harder to learn the concepts you learned in class as you weren't as naturally gifted as people like ogilvie. and you were good at studying. when you were alone and when you were with people that encouraged you rather than scolding you for no reason.

and you weren't sure why you kept going back to study with ogilvie. even if he was mean to you, a part of you oddly liked that. he also knew his shit and shared details you would have missed had you been studying alone. he might be a dick, but he knew how to back up his anti-people personality.

although sometimes you didn’t really like being left alone with him. yeah it was helpful, but he was also taller compared to you. always looking down at home, literally and metaphorically. you trusted ogilive, he was a rude person not a monster. still, that it didn’t shake the feeling you had every time your friends left after some much needed review.

you unpacked your backpack in a cafe near your school.

as you finished putting your laptop and notebook on the table with the rest of your study supplies, a figure sat down at your table. ogilvie.

he spoke, "they said they wouldn't be able to make it to the group session tonight, so it's just going to be the two of us." ogilvie delivered the news in a way that was unfamiliar to you. he seemed nervous, something you didn't even know he was capable of experiencing.

"really? what's going on?"

"not sure, didn't really care to listen since it wasn't a research opportunity." his lack of care came back as soon as it left.

you rolled his eyes at his apathy, "you're a funny guy."

"we're still on for tonight though, right?"

you looked at him with a puzzled look on your face. you didn't think he'd still want to study with you. i mean it's silly you'd think that as you've had multiple one-on-one sessions with him before, but never at his dorm.

the dorm room that seemed like you needed a certain iq level to get in and you weren't sure about the ethics on that.

"yeah, why not."

"why not..?"

"i mean yeah, we're on for tonight." you looked at him with a concerned, puzzled look on your face. his change in demeanor was weird, it was as if he was seeking you validation. or some kind of acceptance from you.

"cool, i'll see you then." ogilvie smiled at you, like a genuine smile. which was something you didn't think he was capable of unless he was scolding someone on their content review efficiency. or just calling them dumb.

and as you started to study, ogilvie was out grabbing snacks and drinks. and spending time perfecting his anki card deck.

-

about 100 anki cards and two energy drinks later. you and ogilvie made some pretty good progress. or at least you did, and were very proud of yourself.

you two were sitting on the floor of his dorm room. it wasn't the most comfortable floor but the rug in the room made up for it.

and even though you wanted to take a break, you knew ogilvie wouldn't allow that because that would be 'wasting' his time.

"you have shockingly improved, good job." ogilvie's smug smile while he gave you that backhanded compliment made you upset.

"yeah thanks.." you said, shifting your eyes to anywhere but him.

he was actually somewhat nice up until that point. but after an hour of straight studying, you were in need of a break.

you looked at him, "hey are you up for a quick break?"

"we still have another 150 cards to do, we don't need a break now."

"there is no we, i am the one in need of a break ogilvie." you exhaustedly sighed as you tried to explain yourself to this difficult man.

you weren't sure if he was being obtuse on purpose or not.

"breaks are good but i know you don't need one right now. maybe you would have done better on your peds exam had you stopped taking so many breaks. y'know sometimes i wonder if you truly want to become a physician."

his doubt in you made your stomach hurt. you thought he had at least some respect for you but that crossed a line.

"why do you insist on belittling me every opportunity you get?" you confronted him.

"because you're the weakest link out of our group. sure you're still a high performer but not as high as you could be."

"that doesn't give you any right to insult me and question my intentions with being in this program though, do you not understand how degrading it is?" you kept your calm, but your tone was still confrontational. you watched as his face shifted from being blank to being one in deep thought.

ogilvie took a breath before looking into eyes, with probably one of the most serious looks on his face that you have ever seen.

"i have a proposal for you," he started, "if you can wrestle and pin me down, we can take a break and i'll stop being so mean to you."

you wanted to slap the smile that was creeping back onto his face.

"you cannot be serious."

"come on, it'll be fun!"

'at least he admitted to being rude,' you thought. at the very least he could own up to that.

you stared at ogilvie once more before you got up from the floor. considering your size difference, he was just a little bit shorter than you when sitting down. you looked down at him, grasping his shoulders and then attempting to put him in a headlock.

you wrapped your leg around his torso and tried to lean him back. all you heard was the sound of him laughing.

"god is this your best attempt at trying to take me down?"

you were a bit embarrassed by that comment but still decided to keep going.

but one thing you forgot was how strong ogilvie was.

ogilvie grabs the leg you wrapped around his waist to pull you in front of him. flipping you on your back, he pressed your back against his stomach. holding you in a full nelson with no chance of escape.

as you tried to slow down your breathing, you heard ogilvie doing the same.

neither of you spoke for a few moments and his grip on you was loosening up. but it was still there.

you felt something hard pressing up against your back. you didn't want to assume what it was but you knew, the worst part was is that you couldn't tell if you liked it or not.

"you can let me go now," you spoke up, still facing away from ogilvie.

"i'd rather not."

"why not?"

ogilvie let you go while swiftly getting up to stand by his bed, his hands folded together covering himself.

"i think we're good to take a break now."

"but i didn't win-"

"i'm- i'm a biochem major and i'm staying in rieber hall!" his eyes couldn't even look into yours. and when he did finally manage to make eye contact- he looked like a deer stuck in headlights.

and after that, you didn't see him much due to being in different degree programs. whenever you did see him around campus, he was talking to himself, flashcards in hand. no doubt he was good student. it was clear he was passionate about his future and that was something you admired.

sitting down in a common study area on campus, you got yourself situated. ready to do school work. but before you did that, you decided to grab a snack.

walking up to the vending machine you saw ogilvie in one of the hallways pacing around, "hey! how are you?" you called him, the wave of your hand composed and the smile on your face genuine.

something ogilvie doesn't usually receive unless it's a teacher singing his praises.

ogilvie liked you, as bluntly as possible. he didn't know you as a close friend but he wanted to get to know you.

he just couldn't talk to you.

he thinks about you often though, at night, during class, in the shower. ogilvie can't recall the last time he's seen someone as beautiful as you, he wasn't sure if a person more attractive than you existed.

the only way ogilvie knows how to 'connect' with people is by impressing. he's done that from a very young age, winning in his school's spelling bee to get validation from adults. participating in his middle school's cross country team, running as fast and controlled as he could in order to be a favorite of the coach. placing on the podium in multiple HOSA- Future Health Professionals- events to impress his high school health care teacher.

so naturally when ogilvie wanted to catch your eye, he kept flashcards around. and yes he was actually studying but it wasn't a method he's ever used before, but he thought it made him look cool so he persisted on doing so.

and even if ogilvie preferred to study in the biology hall to be around more like-minded individuals, he didn't mind going to the part on campus where more people like yourself would be studying.

"i'm doing good! how are you?" ogilvie responded to your greeting.

ogilvie rarely asks other people how they’re doing unless they're a superior.

"i'm fine, just trying to get some schoolwork finished. how about you?"

"yeah- just uh- just studying for an upcoming exam. it's for my organic chemistry class, it started in august and it's going to be on alpha carbon chemistry, amines, and spectroscopy, so it's a big exam. i'm not even sure if the professor is allowed to administer it like that-" ogilvie cut himself before continuing his rambling. he had no idea that was even doing it, he was just staring you in the eye and just could not stop talking.

"wow, sounds like a lot. i'm sure you'll do great on it though!" you smiled at him before walking back to your spot.

ogilvie's face had been stuck in an expression of embarrassment ever since he caught himself rambling. but his face was now morphing into one of innocent bashfulness, too overwhelmed by the fact the person he liked said that he would do great on an exam.

sure it was a general comment that could have been given out to anyone, but ogilvie didn't realize it. he didn't talk to enough people in that manner to realize it, any insinuation of him being good at his academics was met with either sarcasm or malice. not because of people naturally disliking him, but they were prompted to because of his arrogant attitude.

ogilvie would remember that interaction for a long time. (1) because it involved you and (2) because every time he had tried to approach you on campus, you were busy talking to someone else.

at every campus event, club event, or just general student event- you were either chatting it up with some student, a professor, or some guy who was way below your league (in ogilvie's 'humble' opinion).

his lack of access to you drove him crazy as in high school whenever he had a crush, he was able to approach them with no problem. they never really reciprocated but that's not that point. so when ogilvie heard from an ‘actual’ friend of his that there was a frat party going on this saturday, he didn't care. why would he waste his saturday night surrounded by a bunch of drunk people when he could have been studying for his organic chemistry and physics exams?

ogilvie's friend said your name, "oh, i know you don't talk to them often but they're gonna be there," giving him the news of your presence.

"seriously? are you sure?" ogilvie's shocked but hopeful expression was one that made his friend laugh at his eagerness.

"yup, you know we're both in that one club together, right? they were just talking about how they know some guy there and was gonna go party with him or whatever."

ogilvie's hopeful expression dropped quickly, he looked like he had been thrown on the ground.

although his friend didn't notice because they were facing away from ogilvie and had went back to typing on their laptop.

but ogilvie knew he had to make it to that party.

-

it was loud, a combination of different party essentials music filled the air. the crowdedness of the frat house was too small to be holding all of these people, which had ogilvie concerned. that and the strong smell of alcohol and weed.

as ogilvie tried to make his way through the crowd, he was distracting himself by looking for you.

which wasn't a good idea because he had bumped into someone.

"watch where you're going man." the guy said to him, apprehensive.

ogilvie looked scared, his eyes wide, nervous of what might happen to him.

but this wasn't even the person who he bumped into.

it wasn't until his eyes shifted to the left of the guy is where he saw you standing.

"oh don't worry about it mateo, i know him!" you perked up when you saw ogilvie, smiling at your friend before smiling back at ogilvie.

his scared expression left a nervous but pleased look on his face. a face of awkwardness and uncertainty.

ogilvie was happy at the fact that you were happy to see him but when he went to speak nothing came out.

you and mateo both looked at him with a concerned look on your faces, hoping that he wasn't about to pass out.

"you good man?" mateo asked.

"do you need to go sit down ogilvie?" you questioned.

"no, no! i'm fine i promise i just uh, i was thinking about something." ogilvie hurriedly reassured you two about his condition.

"alright well, i'm gonna go find a beer pong table, and this music is ass." mateo’s honesty made you laugh.

you didn't catch it, but he winked at ogilvie before leaving.

"hey, do you wanna go somewhere more quiet? you had to practically shout now as the music got louder.

"yeah! that would be nice." ogilvie graciously accepted.

you took his hand, leading him through the crowd to the front porch. from there you could see your car parked all the way down the street.

ogilvie felt as if he was ready to explode at the touch of your soft hand on his. the way you gripped his hand, ensuring that you wouldn't lose him through the crowd had him more flushed than the hot climate of the house.

sitting down on a chair on the porch, you let go of his hand and gestured to the seat next to you for him to sit as well.

"so how does one go about getting to know you?" "huh?" ogilvie responded, curious about the phrasing of your question.

"sorry for how i said that but i see you a lot around campus. you seem cool and i wanna get to know you, so how do i learn about you?" the casualness of your interest in him had ogilvie's heart racing.

no way the person he has a crush on wants to know more about him and held his hand in the same night.

"well- uh, i guess asking? what do you want to know?" ogilvie's smile finally turned into one that looked comfortable to hold in his face.

you were happy he wasn't finally straining himself trying to keep up appearances.

"why do you want to be a doctor?"

"to help others.. growing up i was at the hospital a lot for various health reasons so, trying to bring comfort to others like how the doctors did for me is something i want to do."

"wow that's really nice, sorry to hear about all of the hospital trips though."

"no don't worry about it.. just a part of life."

"okay what's your favorite color?"

"orange and green."

"...?" you didn't say anything, but your weirded-out facial expression did.

but instead of trying to backtrack on his answer, ogilvie laughed. he laughed at being able to put that expression on your face because that meant he had to be doing something right. at least he hoped.

the two of you continued to converse for about an hour or so.

the cool night air felt nice on your skin, the muffled sounds of shouting and music became something that brought you comfort.

listening and answering to ogilvie was an interesting experience since he’s kind of a weird guy, but you enjoyed in his company nonetheless.

you knew the night had to end though so you went to go check the time.

11:29.

"oh shit," you said as you looked down at your phone, "i'm gonna text a friend real quick, let him know i won't be going home with him."

this intrigued ogilvie. because who else would you be going 'home' with tonight.

ogilvie released the breath he didn't realize he was holding in while you typed away.

"you ready to head home?" you asked ogilvie with an exceptant look on your face.

"yeah- yeah! but who's home?"

"i have an on-campus apartment that's not too far from here." you smiled to reassure him.

ogilvie didn't respond, just nodded and walked with you to your car.

-

as you opened your door to your apartment, you called out to see if any of your roommates were home.

“i think they all went out to tonight,” you said upon getting no response. “do you wanna come to my room?” you asked ogilvie.

“uh yeah sure! totally.” ogilvie quickly responded.

opening the door to your room, you let ogilvie look around before asking him something else.

“is it okay if i kiss you?”

“...”

-

you pushed ogilvie onto your bed, having him lay down while you straddled his lap. you admired him for few seconds, his green eyes, his brown curly hair.

you put your lips to his and started to kiss him. it took ogilvie a few seconds to start kissing back, as he was most likely in shock that this was happening.

you put your hand in his curly hair, pulling on it gently.

as you two continued to kiss, ogilvie started to moan. you hadn't realized you were grinding on him until he started to get louder.

"oh my god," ogilvie moaned out as he separated from the kiss.

smiling into the kiss, you continued to grind up against him, feeling his hard-on rub against you made your head dizzy.

ogilvie was in his own little personal heaven. the warmth you radiated on him made him feel comfortable, his hands were near your hips- moving with you.

ogilvie continued to moan into your mouth, you did the same.

it wasn't until he broke the kiss and let out a guttural sound was when you realized that he came in his pants.

you laughed lightly at this, finding him adorable. smiling back his blown out green eyes, his pupils beyond dilated.

"oh my god-"

"that was hot," your impressed but gleeful expression was one that ogilvie would never forget.

he managed to impress in the most embarrassing way possible, embarrassing to him at least.

ogilvie hid his face in his hands, not wanting to look down and see the mess he created.

"you can stay here tonight if you want, we have a washer machine as well."

ogilvie nodded, "yeah- yeah that would be great! where should i sleep."

"in my bed."

there was no way the person he has a crush on wanted to know more about him, held his hand, made out with him, and was now offering to sleep in the same bed as him all in one night.

"okay," al-hashimi took a breath before calling out your last name, "joy, and whitaker you're with me."

'oh fuck me' you thought.

"what's open?" al-hashimi asked.

"trauma one." dana responded before working on something near her desk.

after your very subtle break-up with dennis, you haven't been running into him too much. not at work or at home. you only remember he lives with you whenever you stay up too late and hear mary or when you see his backpack near the door.

other than that, you don't exist to him. or at least he doesn't exist to you. he's professional at work, greets you when in front of the students he's been guiding throughout the er.

but for some odd reason, whenever you walked away, you felt eyes on your back. little holes piercing through your skin like lasers.

everytime you sat down, everytime you got up, when you breathed, when you charted. you felt eyes on your arm or your back.

almost everyone in the er could tell he wasn't over you. joy and ogilvie, the observant people they are, picked it up on the first interaction they saw dennis have with you. but you were less obvious with not being over him, because in your mind you were and that false truth projected to everyone else. somehow.

you hated that you were still perceived by him. the stench of desperation and humiliation comes back to you all at once whenever you remember how hard you fought to stay with him. you were glad to put that all behind you now.

and even though it's been two months, you and your therapist agreed that you were making good progress in terms of getting over him. turning a new leaf in terms of yourself improvement.

you quickly got out of your head when you heard the EMTs give dr. al-hashimi all of the information she needed to help the patient.

"oh fuck," dennis whispered to himself as he walked into trauma 1.

you looked at dennis while hearing the last bit of information from the emts. the color drained from his face matched his horrified expression.

everything was moving too quickly you barely got a good look at the patient. it wasn't until you recognized that specific shade of brunette hair until you realized it was her.

'poor mary,' you thought as you directed your attention towards her bloodied, battered appearance.

she looked like hell, even though she was on the verge of going to heaven.

"one, two, three," al-hashimi counted down as you all transferred mary to the trolley bed.

as the nurses started to hook her up to the equipment to check her vitals, you watched as al-hashimi started to check her reflexes.

princess went to cut her clothes after checking her blood pressure.

whitaker went straight for her head, using his light to check her pupils and assess her physical capacity.

"how's the airway whitaker?"

"uh, good volume, good stats," whitaker then stuck a wooden stick down her throat, "and she has a gag reflex. she's present." he reported quickly. "joy can you do a sternal rub on her chest, please?"

"nice," you watched over joy as she performed the quick examination, "spontaneous eye movement, responds to pain." you said as you continued to guide joy through the examination.

mary had a big bruise on her chest, most likely from the seatbelt. and her face looked like she had been in a fight, dark blood around her nose. light blood painted her forehead and parts of her hair.

mary groaned as whitaker's hands carefully checked her pretty face, which was now slightly cut and bruised.

"whitaker, orders?" al-hashimi questioned him.

as you started to examine mary's arms, which were looking fine, whitaker brushed past your backside as he went straight to the computer. "a ct to rule out internal bleeding, a cbc, cmp, ua, and a blood alcohol-tox screen."

you inhaled sharply when you felt him. there was no way he was being serious right now.

"nice." al-hashimi praised as she stood at the foot of the bed.

you glared at whitaker's back as he typed into the computer. watching his arms flex, his short sleeves making most of his arms visible. his arms were filling out his scrubs.

'i thought i was better than this fuck.' you cursed yourself before taking in a deep breath, returning your attention back mary.

"where am i?" she weakly asked, you could tell she was using most of her energy to do so.

princess continued to work with the monitor, starting to prepare any medicine mary might need.

"you're at a hospital, you were in a car crash. you're okay now." you placed your hand near her head, trying your best to comfort her.

whitaker glanced back, his eyes squinting slightly and his breath catching. it's been months, he should be over it by now. he had someone.

as your pager beeped in your pants, you picked it up and put it to your ear. "ct is ready to take her." you informed the room, al-hashimi nodded at you.

"alright, you guys can take her up now." al-hashimi ordered.

you watched as whitaker and the nurses rolled mary off to get her ct.

taking off your gloves and grabbing some hand sanitizer, you pushed open the doors and headed back out to the main floor.

you didn't realize it, but you were breathing faster than usual. not sure if it was the adrenaline from saving someone in somewhat critical condition or being in a room with the two people who you once thought ruined your life and trust in people.

seeing whitaker, being that close to him, made you remember all of the times he held whenever you two were cooking together. nothing too special, regular domestic memories. moments that you missed dearly. and even though you thought you were getting bad, that persistent need for validation was still there. the need to prove yourself was still there.

you didn't spend too much time in your head as the intruding nature of the ed brought you comfort after the awkwardness in the trauma room.

for mary's sake, you hoped she was okay. for whitaker's, you hoped she'd croak.

as the hour continued on, you pushed through. you passed on your patients onto the nightshift doctors before you went to catch up on your charting.

after typing and chatting for about another hour, you finally felt somewhat at peace. not anymore peaceful than you would be at home, but as peaceful as you could get in the emergency department.

"we're going out for drinks tonight, wanna come cuck?" trinity's sly smile brought you a sense of familiarity.

you gave her a playful glare before responding, "ha ha ha very funny, but no thank you."

"suit yourself, i'll see you at home?"

"see ya then." you smiled at her before gathering your belongings.

making your way to triage, through the waiting room, and up the stairs. you needed a moment, or moments, alone to yourself before you went home. nothing too serious, just a time to reflect on the day you had. and a way to celebrate almost clocking out on time.

as you pushed open the metal door to the roof, the cool evening air hit your skin. you sighed a breath of relief as you were thankful for hearing the sounds of the city. the coldness pierced your skin, bringing you back to your sleepy reality. you paused as you saw whitaker standing behind the railing.

his hands were in his pockets, his broad back was turnt away from you. his arms filling out his shirt ever so slightly. you could even see the silver chain he wears around his neck glinting under the moonlight.

you tried to control your breathing and your heartbeat, debating if you should turn around or approach him. either option would make you anxious beyond repair.

"hey," you spoke softly but loud enough for him to hear.

he turned his back so you could see half of his face.

"hey."

as the cool, evening air hit your skin, you sighed a breath of relief. thankful for hearing the sounds of the city. the coldness pierced your skin, bringing you back to your sleepy reality.

"how's- how's mary?"

"she's okay, she's gonna be okay. nothing people haven't recovered from before." he nodded his head, not sure if he was reassuring himself or you.

you walked towards him, resting your arms on the railing as you tried to admire the view.

whitaker sniffled then rubbed his nose quickly, you could see it in his eyes that he'd been crying. there were still tears fighting to spill, his nose and cheeks were red as well. he looked cold. but he didn’t necessarily look sad, he looked guilty and remorseful.

and you weren't sure if you wanted to throw him off of the roof or put a blanket around him and tell him everything was going to be okay.

the silence was comforting, reminding you of the many nights you and whitaker spent together. alone, sleeping, or spent talking about your pasts in that dark room. surrounded by nothing but medical books, a few things that reminded him of home, and his comforting smell.

you don't think you would ever tell him this, but you missed him way more than you thought you should have. every moment you spent awake you were constantly fighting your brain to not bring up his face, his voice, his naturally sad but sweet looking eyes. you wanted to be over him, you knew you should have been. you missed his touch.

you wondered why you didn't turn around the second you saw his back.

"how have you been?" you asked, hesitance taking over your voice.

you could tell the question threw him off guard.

"you're wondering?" his smug smile made you light-headed. "i've been okay." the way his face was lit under the moonlight made him look more cinematic than he usually looked.

you followed up, "any trouble in paradise-"

"you know i miss you."

you wanted to slap him.

with the genuine look on his face, you could tell he was being serious. you were used to seeing his face whenever he was vulnerable as you've been on the receiving end of almost all of his rants. you thought back to the time when he told you, 'you're one of the only people i can be honest with.' thinking about it again made you want to throw up, despite how warm and wanted it made you feel.

"you made a cuck in a relationship that i had no business fighting for, and now you miss me?"

"i never broke up with you. i don't think missing you is too far-fetched."

"just one girl isn't enough for you?"

"i like having options, i always thought it was going to be you though."

"what?" your eyes widened at this information. you thought for sure it was set in stone that he and mary would go on to have an unfathomable amount of kids, spend their summers at his family farm, spending time with their neighbors they couldn't stand.

but the idea that it would have been you instead of her. even you thought, knew, you were not good enough to be apart of his world made all of those feelings up back. the same feelings that had you sobbing every night he wasn't in your bed, holding you. the same feelings that had your stomach dropping at the mere mention with someone with the letter 'M' as their first initial.

"i mean, i like mary. she's pretty, funny, kind. but you're comfortable, considerate, caring." you didn't understand why he decided to continue talking, but you've missed his voice as well.

you knew it was scraps, what he was giving you. calling you comfortable as an attribute, a supposed compliment but you had a feeling he wouldn't be able to elaborate on that. you knew that he was just going to break your heart again. probably until you two died of old age together.

but the part of you that hasn't been comforted in months started to take over your mind. the part of you that had to avoid seeing dennis's face as it brought back too many memories, seeing his sweet, cherub face that made you crazy. as in he had this effect on you that you weren't even sure how it could exist. to be completely honest with yourself, you were obsessed with him. it was clear to anyone that you liked him more than he liked, or even wanted you. but you weren't sure how much you cared about that as long as he liked you in someway.

"comfortable.. what does that mean to you?" your eyes narrowed as you tried to laser his face off. even though it didn't work, it somewhat did in your mind.

"like you're cozy? nice to lay with, you feel like home." his head turned towards yours, looking you in the eye with his blue ones.

your heart stopped for a moment.

'i hate his face,' you thought. even though you knew that you didn't.

"wow what a way to describe someone." you sarcastically replied. you weren't sure why you were playing hard to get as if your heart wasn't racing hearing him describe you like that.

as if the concept of being 'home' to someone you begged any higher power for wasn't one of the only things you ever wanted. besides being a doctor.

you knew he wasn't shit. but you still loved him, or had some sort of weird bond with him. those kind of feelings don't go away easily. if it was truly up to you, you wouldn't have broken up with you when you did. you only did it for self-esteem reasons, because your therapist told you so. although you weren't too sure of the ethics on that.

"i think it describes you perfectly," his smile shifted into something sweet. his eyes had a glint of admiration. before they shifted to an expression of guilt.

"about two nights ago me and mary got into a fight," dennis's eyes softened as he confessed to you. "i moaned your name and she starting screaming about how i wasn't over you, that i was being inconsiderate. it was crazy.."

you were somewhat appalled by his nonchalance. but your desperation for him was back in full force, so you couldn't care as much as you should have.

"i wouldn't be happy if that happened to me," but on the outside, you were able to keep your composure. honestly, if dennis had ever moaned her name you would have pushed him out of the window. you were already having violent thoughts towards him, thinking of this made you even more upset.

"i know," dennis laughed. laughed in your face, or at least that's what it felt like. the way his face crinkled whenever he smiled made your knees weak. "i'm being serious when i said missed you though." his genuine demeanor assured you more than it should have.

'dennis, do you not realize you're an asshole who made me a cuck in my own home?' is what you would have said if you weren't desperate to get back with him. he was horrible to you. well he wasn't, he was actually very nice, and sweet, and kind, and adoring. he was horrible in the sense that he got away with dating two women.

"dennis.. i'm just not sure if i'm ready to be with you again."

"are you saying.. there's a possibility that you will be?" the expectant look on dennis's face had you sure that you were now ready. his soft nature was one you found charming.

you thought about dennis's irresistible charm. how it was one that you were so heavily drawn to and you had no idea why. and then you thought about his place in society. how being seen with him gave you a confidence boost, made you feel important.

you used him just as much as he used you. so you couldn't be too mad at him. even though you never played with his feelings in the way he did yours, you weren't sure if you were any better? and yeah, maybe this wasn't the definition of love your parents instilled into you when you were younger. but you were your own person, and if this was what love was to you. then who were they to try to tell you different?

if you liked being used, who could stop you?

who would stop dennis? certainly not himself. and not you either.

dennis looked at you with a hunger in his eyes.

he closed the distance in between you two. placing one hand on his waist, another cupping your cheek.

he didn't even ask, he just pressed his lips against yours. you kissed back, basically sealing your fate.

after a minute, you pulled back. needing to get some air after practically being suffocated by him.

dennis still had your face in his hand as he spoke to you, "i know you try not to but i see the way you look at me, you've missed me too. i'll leave her, like actually this time i promise. i wanna be with you." the intensity of his eye contact made you struggle to keep holding eye contact with him, but you persisted anyway.

you swallowed before speaking, "forever?"

"i'm yours, forever."

and after that night, you two were back together. you hadn't heard anything about mary after dennis promised that they would break up. you thought it was kind of shitty to break up with someone who just got into a car crash but deep down you didn't care too much. you had dennis and that was all you needed.

you had him day and night. you two continued to walk in parks, eat in restaurants, walk around farmer's markets in the area. you two also cuddled at night, every night. you never had to wonder where he was or who he was with because he was by your side constantly.

talking yourself to sleep with him became a daily occurrence. and whenever you weren't talking yourselves to sleep, he was usually eating you out until you couldn't take it anymore. the amount of times he made you cum was enough to knock you.

you were happy in your relationship, satisfied. and so was dennis.

he was happy in the way he knew you wouldn't leave again. he knew you wouldn't let him go again, i mean you love him so much why would you want to leave again? he was sure that you two were going to be together forever. no matter how childish that sounded.

he always liked you more than mary anyway, you were easier to control considering how badly you wanted him. he wasn't sure what it was that had you so drawn to him, but whatever it was he hoped it wouldn't go away anytime soon.

dennis wasn't sure why he was so drawn to you either besides your pliant nature.

and one day, after he somehow managed to convince you of giving up your lifelong dream to be a doctor by retiring way earlier than anyone in your profession. he wasted no time trying to knock you up. even though his multiple attempts of baby trapping didn’t work until you actually decided to go back to medicine after the year you were away from it made you realize what you actually liked to do.

staying in medicine for another 5 years, you were beyond satisfied having dennis by your side.

even when he was cold, even when he was lying to you about the littlest things. you were still happy.

through the days of him trying to be intimidating to any man who talked to you. or controlling what you wore, you were still happy.

and you’d remain happy for a very long time as long as dennis was by your side.

he chose you, there was nothing he could do wrong in your eyes because he picked you.

you were wanted, you fit in. you were acceptable to society.

just trying to explain to yourself who he was to you was exhausting enough. so coming to work and attempting to explain what he was to the nosy nurses at your job was just the chalky icing on the dry, lopsided cake.

regardless of wanting to avoid your roommate, you knew you needed your bed. you needed to sleep. your feet were sore which caused your ankles to ache which meant that your legs felt wobbly and that was causing your back pain which made your shoulders hunch over.

it was a lot.

as you walked up to your door, you fished your keys out from your bag. opening the door, you stepped inside your shared apartment.

you figured that trinity, a friend and roommate of yours, was probably out since she had the day off. so that only left dennis to be at home.

closing the door behind you, you heard a faint laughter coming from his room.

laughs mixed in together, one you didn't recognize.

you froze on the spot.

you knew it wasn't trinity's laugh. you didn't recognize it as anyone from work.

you contemplated knocking on the door just to see who was in there, but it wouldn't serve you any good.

you stared at the door for minutes, hearing a conversation that sounded like one between lovers. soft exchanges, soft giggles, and the occasional reassurance. everything that dennis gave to you, willingly. as if his god commanded him to.

after a short while, you went to your room. put your things away in your small, messy room. changing out of your scrubs to take a shower.

you tried your best to relax in the bathroom. but it was difficult over the sounds of a conversation that felt like you should have been having with dennis instead.

she sounded pretty, and fun.

you changed in the bathroom, walking out to see dennis and his guest in the kitchen.

you stared for what felt like forever, even though it was just for a few seconds.

she had nicely layered long brunette hair, blue eyes that resembled the sky on a warm, summer day. her smile looked as if it was made of money, which it probably was. her eyes as sweet as the perfect blueberry found at a farmer’s market. all of that energy was directed towards dennis.

when they did finally notice you, her smile towards you was simple, cordial. and it was the same thing with dennis who looked slightly surprised by your presence, but still had more than enough manners to introduce you.

"mary, this is my friend," as dennis said your name, you started to blank out.

'her name was mary? a biblical name.. his parents would probably like that.' you thought. ‘and friend? do friends do what you two do to each other.’ emotionally and physically.

"hello, it's so nice to meet you." her toothy grin came out when she reached out to shake your hand. a proper girl, you thought once again.

but you were proper too, so you shook her hand as a courtesy.

her well-manicured hand was soft, softer than yours could ever be. due to the constant hand-washing you have to do for your job, no amount of lotion meant to repair dry skin could save you.

"i heard you're in medschool? that's pretty cool!" mary’s voice cut through your thoughts, her look of admiration grounding you in the moment.

"yeah, we're both in our last year." you told her, while making a gesture between you and dennis.

dennis looked at you with a tight-smiled as he nodded along.

you don't really know why you said that, it's not like she didn't already know.

"i"m currently in my last year of law school, finding internships this year has been killing me." mary sighed, waving her hand around to soothe any potential concern you or dennis could have towards her.

lawyer and a doctor. dennis and mary.

you three chatted for a few more minutes, about school and responsibilities and your backgrounds. more-so you talked with mary while dennis stood there awkwardly.

mary was talking for quite a while about herself, which you didn’t mind. but you couldn’t remember anything she has as you couldn’t hear here over the sound of your heartbreaking.

as she said her goodbyes to you and dennis, she kissed him on the cheek.

a question mark visibly appeared in your head after witnessing that.

dennis closed the door behind her, he stood there for a second before turning to face you.

"she seems nice," you gave him your opinion.

"yeah, she's pretty cool."

you wanted to beat the man to a pulp.

dennis, the boy you cried to whenever you had a particularly hard day at the hospital. dennis, who you held whenever he expressed his feelings of homesickness or his doubt of his worth of trying to become a doctor.

sweet, sad-eyed dennis who you made out with in his room multiple times. dennis, the boy who knew your deepest frustrations and secrets and all about your depression and your social anxiety.

the guy who you used to cuddle with at night in your bed until one night he decided to start back sleeping in his room.

one of your biggest crushes.

who allowed a girl to kiss him on the cheek in front of you.

you stared at him, you looked into his eyes. you weren't really sure what expression was looking back at you, besides guilt.

"are you fucking serious?" the words left your mouth before you could realize they left. "all of the time we spent together, did it mean anything to you? you bring a girl back to our shared apartment for what? what are you doing dennis, are you two together?"

"no, we're not together. mary and i are just good friends." his words of reassurance did not comfort you at all.

mainly because you and dennis were good friends as well.

"what a joke, do you remember when we were good friends?"

"we still are," the way how he said your name made you even more upset, how causally he threw it out there, "we still are good friends i promise."

"how many 'good friends' could you possibly have dennis, this isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to her either." you fought back tears as you raised your voice.

"i'm just figuring things out right now, you know that better than anyone else. better than her." dennis took a few steps towards you, reaching out to caress your arm. you let him.

“you haven’t given me any clarity or reassurance to whatever we are and now you’re adding other people into the mix? are you thinking, seriously.” tears rolled down your cheeks as you tried to make sense of what was happening, and of the words he was speaking to you.

as you cried, he held you.

you felt betrayed by him, beyond betrayed. you kept thinking how could he do this to you. him seeing someone else was a direct contradictiont to what he was to you. sure you two never defined your relationship, everytime you asked him he never gave you a direct answer, but friends don’t do what you two do. ‘good’ friends don’t feel what you two feel, or at least what you thought he felt.

you loved dennis for numerous reasons. his kindness, his adorable face, his soft demeanor, his dedication to his work and studies, his courage.

the validation he gave you was up there as well.

the kind of validation that girls like mary received from society by default was the kind you had to earn. whether it was through changing yourself or your affiliation with others.

you needed dennis, not just for love. but to soothe your insecurities. to prove to yourself, and society, that you are good enough- you are worthy enough.

for reasons that you understand very well, while he was oblivious to it.

you and dennis were raised drastically different, he came from a white family that lived out in the middle of nowhere. while your upbringing was the exact opposite. your parents taught you a lot about society, and what your place was but how you could deviate from that standard.

and your way of deviation was by being with him, you knew you could not lose him.

"dennis.." you spoke softly, catching his attention.

"what is it?"

"just promise me one thing." a million thoughts were racing through your head at once, but you knew what you wanted.

"anything." his sweet, yet solemn face looked at you.

"during the day, can you be with me? i don't care what you do regarding her, just be mine's when it matters. please." your voice trembled as you gave the request. the look of desperation was one he would remember for some time.

"i can be whatever you want me to be." his pitiful expression was one that mocked you, or at least it felt like it was. his words were more assuring than his embrace.

and so, you tried your best to do daytime activities with dennis. getting coffee, holding hands while walking in the park, getting lunch together. it was difficult for you to become the day as you both worked day shifts and rarely had any days off. but you managed to make time.

and as you laid in your bed one night, hearing moaning from the other room. you tried your best to remember the feeling of the sun hitting your face as you laughed along with dennis. you gripped your pillow, forcing your smile as you reminisced on the feeling of being beside him while the sky was still blue. while the sounds of cars, people chattering, and upbeat music filled your ears.

you were no longer the night, she was. people would not see him with her anymore, unless they were out on a late night snack run, sitting in parking lots together in a warm car, or walking through a serene park where they could only hear the sound of grasshoppers.

you got dennis when it mattered to your heart and reputation, mary got dennis when she wanted.

your jealousy was consuming you, even if you were persistent in your denial of it.

but at the beginning of the day, he was yours. and that was all that mattered to you.

not to him, not to her. but to you.

to dennis, mary was the girl he would love in the eventual daytime, and nighttime. but he was attached to you, he didn't want to let you go. he knew he wasn't going to be yours forever, but why not keep you around for as long as possible. he did like you, and yours words and various physical affections. he would have chosen you if it weren’t for his family, or at least that’s what he tells himself to feel less guilty for leading you on.

one day, you thought, you'll be loved by him in the day and the night and the afternoon and of every year, month, week, day, hour, minute, and second.

"hey," you waved back, a cheerful smile on your face.

her hair was down today, it was longer than you had expected. she had on a short sleeved, grey t-shirt and a pair of baggy, black jeans. you liked her outfit, you thought she had looked cute. one side of her hair was tucked behind her ear so you could see her ear map in full, various kinds of silvers all aligned nicely on her ear. from small cuffs on her helix to stars on her lobe, her earrings spoke for themself.

joy didn't say it, but she liked your piercings as well. it fit with your look, it fit perfectly with your face. or maybe she just liked how your face looked, she wasn’t able to make up her mind. but she knew she liked being around you. squinting her eyes to see all the details of your outfit.

as you sat down near joy, almost mimicking her pose on the picnic blanket, she extended an earbud to you. a white wired earbud that was connected to her phone.

"i thought we should listen to paramore today." joy said, she made it sound like a suggestion but you knew she was declaring it.

"is today paramore weather day?" you teased, taking the earbud from her hand and putting it in your ear, an adorably sly smile creeped up on your face.

"any weather is fit for paramore," she smirked as she made her point, looking around the park instead of at you.

"i guess you're right." you agreed with joy, giving her the win.

the white clouds passed over you as you stared into each other's eyes. not saying anything, just admiring the other. you and joy did this kind of sporadically in the week you've known each other. you two never spoke about it, you just did it. and that was it.

joy broke the eerily comfortable silence, "have you heard their debut album?"

"paramore's?" you followed up.

"yeah, all we know is falling."

"i've heard like maybe two songs off there, never listened to the whole thing though." you laughed very lightly, joy smiled at you. there was an unreadable, but endearing look in her eyes that you didn't catch.

"well i'm sure you're gonna like it, it's similar to what we listened to yesterday." she reassured you, squinting her eyes to press play on her phone.

"do you wear glasses?" you wondered outloud, a question that seemingly came out of the blue for the both of you.

"i do actually, yeah, they get annoying to wear sometimes though. i can live without them." joy responded, fiddling with one of the earrings on her lobe, the opposite ear she had her earbud in.

you nodded your head, "that's understandable."

as you two listened to the opening track, hearing the guitars and drums, and hayley william's voice all rock out together. the cohesiveness of the song had you bobbing your head along, enjoying the angsty sound the band was making.

almost forty minutes went by without you noticing, time warped whenever you listened to music. you swore by that. as the final song on the 10 song album wrapped up, you looked over to joy who was already looking at you.

you giggled at this, "so did you think about the album?"

"i should be asking you that," joy took the earbud out of her.

"i asked first," you stated, hoping that would urge her into answering.

"i thought it was good, like every time i listen to it. it's one of my top albums." she spoke, letting you know her positive opinion of the band.

"nice, i liked it too! hayley's voice is really good." you agreed with joy, “thanks for showing me the whole album.”

“anytime.” joy’s lips upturned, that same endearing look returned to her eyes.

as you unconsciously moved your hand closer to her phone, she reached for her phone at the same time. your hands brushed up against each other’s as she grabbed her phone, and you stared at each other. and since the music ended, that all too familiar scarily comfortable silence that fell over you two.

as joy's black, glossy eyes studied yours, your eyes gazed at hers.

your hands laid comfortably on top of each other, you could feel your heart beating faster. yet your breathing stayed calm, a warm sensation hit your body like a blanket laid on you. the sun was out, which explained the heat hitting you. or at least that was the reasoning you used to convince yourself that you weren't warm from her bony hand resting on yours.

"you wanna listen to riot?" joy broke the silence, her black painted nails reflecting under the sun's light.

"i'd love that." you bit your lip, failing to hold your smile.

and as almost another hour of music passed by, so did the clouds. but they were now turning grey.

you felt something wet on your forehead, you looked up and felt that same thing again.

"shit," joy said, about to get up from her position of laying on the picnic blanket as she felt the rain too.

"i have an umbrella in my backpack," you let know her as the rain started to pick up.

as you zipped open your backpack, settling for sitting on the grass as joy wrapped up the picnic blanket and put it in her black, crossbody messenger bag. you grabbed your umbrella, opening it.

joy stood close to you, your arms touching. she looked at you, with a sweet, fondness in her eyes, before she wrapped her arm around your waist.

"there's a nice cafe nearby if you don't wanna go home, my friend works there so i can get us a discount." her casualness infatuated you, your mouth was slightly open as you leered at her. your mind didn't know how to react to the arm wrapped around your waist, but your body leaned into it.

"yeah, that sounds cool.." you were so nervously happy you weren't even sure how you should've responded. your voice trailed off as she guided you in the direction of the cafe.

you two walked together, you held a tight grip on the umbrella until you finally arrived.

she introduced you to her friend, they seemed like a kind person. and since this cafe seemed to be a small business like the music shop joy worked at, they were dressed causal. not in an uniform but still wore an apron. their face and ears were decked out in a mix of silver and gold jewelry, not many people could pull that off. but they managed to do so with flying colors.

your umbrella was closed, but joy’s hand was still on your waist. you tried your best to hide your dopey smile as she ordered for the two of you. she asked for your usual drink order, and she just ordered an iced cappuccino for yourself.

you two sat down near the big window the small cafe had. the sky was now a dark grey, the water was painting the light grey sidewalk a weird-brownish grey color. the rain hitting the pavement, trees, and grass heavily.

the pitter-patter of the rain soothed you as joy sat across from you. pulling out her phone that her earbuds were still connected to.

"wanna listen to their self-titled album?" she asked, a pleasant smile on her face as she extended her hand to yours. an earbud in her hand.

"yeah," you returned her sweet smile, not even realizing you had that same adoring look in your eyes that she had.

you couldn’t help the way your stomach flipped as you both stared at each other while listening to ‘still into you’, an unreadable expression on both of your faces. the tension was eating you alive, you opted into bouncing your leg as joy looked at you.

and time passed once again as you two finished up paramore's self-titled album, both softly nodding your heads along as you listened intently.

you enjoyed listening to music, talking about music, immersing yourself in the melodies and harmonies many different artists created. lyrics that hit too close to home, bass lines that sounded like they were in your veins. you didn't just love music, you felt it. it was a part of you like how your lungs are a part of you. if you could breathe music you definitely would, and you were pretty sure you had once.

but the only issue was your friends weren't interested in the music you were interested in. they liked music, it just wasn't the music you were too keen on listening to. and even though you understood why they liked what they liked, it seemed like they could never understand what you enjoyed, and why you enjoyed it. and that made you feel like an outsider.

as you opened the glass door into the shop, a soft bell rang. signaling the workers that someone new had entered.

there was a older man in the corner of the store, talking to a group of three people about some cd that had just came in. but you didn't really care too much about that conversation, you were focused on the rows and shelves of the music in front of you.

and then you heard something come from the front counter.

"hello, are you looking for anything in particular today?" a girl with black hair that was messily put into a ponytail greeted you. her buggish, black eyes and septum piercing stood out to you. she was beautiful, and your breath was quickening by the second.

"hi!" you responded fast, "uh i'm just looking around i'm not looking for anything in particular."

"okay, cool. let me know if you need anything." her causal smile took over her face, her eyes and nose crinkling slightly.

you tried to walk off as smooth as possible, and when you were finally out of her sights, you released a breath you didn't even realize you were holding. little did you know she could still see you, and was trying to not chuckle to herself.

as you perused through the catalogs of music they had, looking through various vinyls and cds. you recognized most of the music, this store had your exact music taste. you lit up at the idea of others liking what you listened to.

not randoms online claiming to be niche, not weird guys trying to go on a date with you and pretending to like what you liked. but some cool people in a cool looking store with cool looking clothes. you couldn’t even focus on what you were looking at after thinking about her.

a black t-shirt with a band graphic on it, some dark wash blue jeans, and a dark grey flannel was what she was wearing. and she had different kinds of silver jewelry on her ears and face. she was one of the coolest looking people you had ever seen. it was different compared to your outfit, which was still very nice. probably the best outfit you've worn so far this year. it was just different from the people who listened to the same genres as you did.

you didn't realize you were staring off into space until you felt something near your ear, "oh i love that album! it's insane how they recorded it all in one night."

you jumped back, seeing her pretty face again. caught off guard by her aloofness. she scratched her hair before returning her hand back to her side.

"did i startle you?" she questioned you, she blinked her eyes. must’ve been dry you figured, but you couldn’t shake the feeling of feeling liking you were look at a cat who asked to be a girl.

"just a little bit yeah." you were honest with her, your hand was shaking, gripping on the cd case you were holding onto.

"no offense but you don't really seem like you'd be interested in music like this, how'd you discover it?" she was still calm, cool, collected. all words you wouldn't use to describe yourself at this moment, but you still felt like she was being a little pretentious. or just curious, you hoped she was being curious.

"just messing around on youtube one day, saw an album in my recommended and fell in love with it, and others like it." you nodded your head as you told your short personal anecdote.

"that's cool, my dad grew up listening to music like this so that's how i discovered it. i think it's so cool how people can find music, from any genre, anywhere nowadays." she spoke passionately about this, which made you feel more comfortable than you did before she had replied to you. scared out of your mind that she was a gatekeeper.

"did you wanna see some new albums we just got?" she used her thumb to point back to the glass front counter she was standing at earlier, a showcase of different cds and albums. her ponytail moved with her head, the light from above shined on all of the earrings on her ear.

"yeah i'd love that!" you happily accepted her offer.

as the two of you walked back to the counter, she walked closely to you. your arms brushing each other's on your way there. you tried to be cool about it, but your face was betraying you by flashing your shy smile. she stood on the other side of the showcase counter, pointing towards various cds as she explained when they were released and why the artist chose to create them.

"so she wasn't even aware that her producer was adding all of this different stuff in?" you inquired, shocked at the story the girl had told you.

"nope, that's why she works with a band now. apparently people with physical instruments can't get away with stuff like that." she sighed, seemingly disappointed at what had happened to the artist.

"yeah, that's insane. i'm gonna miss her synthetic sound but maybe the band vibe suits her more."

"oh it most definitely does, and her vocals are more raw in this album compared to the other ones. she experiments with some metal and hard rock sounds on some tracks and she does amazing with it, i think her next project is just gonna be a complete hard rock album." her black eyes lit up as she continued talking about the artist's new album and possible creative direction moving forward.

you two talked about various artists for a few more minutes before she even invited you to listen to a few albums on the cd player the store had.

you two sat down on the floor, near one of the cd players and she had a full collection on standby. and luckily you had picked out some of your favorite albums that the store happened to have. so you two went back and forth with putting albums into the player, introducing you two both to new music and listening music that was all too familiar.

you pulled out your phone as you two finished the album she had recommended, you checked the time before looking outside. and instead of sunny, blue skies. you were greeted with a peaceful mix of pink and orange, golden hour had passed an hour ago.

time went by so 'fast' you didn't even realize it was sunset now.

"it was really nice hanging out with you, but i have to- um go now." you stood from sitting criss-crossed on the floor, not leaning on the shelf of cds anymore.

"what's your name?" she asked as she looked you up and down.

‘is she checking me out?’ you wondered.

you said you name, she smiled after you introduced yourself.

"i'm joy, can i get your number?"

you stood there, looking at joy like a deer in headlights before eagerly nodding her head. you couldn't believe the pretty girl who had sat with you, talking and listening to music for hours had wanted to get to know you more. you didn't think this would be a one time thing, you didn't want it to be. but you were shocked. still ecstatic that she was interested in you though.

you gave joy your phone and she gave you her's, putting your numbers in each other’s phones then exchanging them back. her phone case was black with small white polka dots littered on it while yours was white with black polka dots. you giggled when you noticed.

"will i see you tomorrow?" joy looked at you with her sweet, black eyes. a calm anticipation on her face. you looked at her pink lips, you could tell that she had only put lip balm on. not caring for anything extra. which was a nice contrast to your glossed lips.

"yeah, you will." you smiled at her, and joy smiled at you back. showing most of her teeth which showcased her smiley piercing. the jewelry had matched her septum.

as you walked out of the store, opening the closing. you looked back to see joy propped by her arm, staring at you with that cool yet tired smile on her face. you waved at her, and she waved back.