I don't post on here much, and I don't really plan to, but I feel like I just need to message the aether and scream. A good friend of mine just committed suicide. I'm not okay, but I'm in no hurry to meet him in the afterlife. But I'm also not sure how I feel. The past few days I've just been tired, but that I expected, I've had depression for a long time and this definitely is in alignment with that, but then there are the days where I'm pissed beyond reason and I'm so mad at him for doing it. For leaving. I know it's selfish for me to be mad, but how could he!? We used to talk all the time, we were talking and messaging and laughing just two weeks beforehand! He was getting married this week! He was starting a new chapter in his life by moving to a different state with his fianceé! He knew he could talk to me, or to her (his fianceé) any of us. Instead he cut himself off!, and chose to leave us behind. I know it's selfish to be as mad at him as I am sometimes, I know it's selfish for me to think I or any of us knew everything, but I still can't help but be mad. And I feel fucking horrid for being mad, and guilty. It's stupid for me to think that there's anything I could have done better from across the country, but I can't help but wondering that I could have done. Some sign I missed, or if I was just a terrible friend, or. I don't know. I just feel so lost. I keep replaying old memories in my head, and reading old texts, and breaking my own heart by going through them, trying to think of where everything went wrong, but I can't find anything. I just don't know anymore. If anyone is reading this, I'm sorry for unloading my burden on you on this site, but I just needed to air my feelings out to the abyss. I'll miss my friend dearly, and I know there's nothing I can do to bring him back, and I know it'll hurt less with time, but right now I just feel so raw and run down by the events of the past week. I just hope he finds peace in the afterlife that he wasn't able to find in this one.
