#misoafterdark

That’s how it started anyway. Admittedly, they had a feeling it would be different from what they’re used to back home but- signing themselves up for what is basically a human car porn show..? Not exactly the most common way to get away from work- but it’s not like they have many other options here on Earth okay! What are they supposed to do, call up a buddy for a round of mecha soccer in the city park? Oh that totally won’t end poorly! Not at all with Prime up their aft by end of it or anything.

Not that this was exactly going well either.

It was already interesting enough to realize humans hosted this sort of gig for their entertainment. And now? They’re being praised left right and center by passing humans. Lavished in compliments about their rims, frame and paint.. The occasional one even attempting to reach out their hand for a quick swipe across their hood before retracting it upon seeing the “no touching” sticker their holoform had snagged at the entry. It’s getting difficult not to let it go straight to their processor.

It was certainly odd to have so many humans gawking at them like this, not at all used to receiving this sort of attention especially during the war. Not entirely bad though. It was definitely nice to feel appreciated after being so exhausted for the past few centuries. They had polished their paintjob before arriving too, feeling pretty good about themselves. Some of the other bots even teased them about going on a date or something as they sped out the door. Pfft, as if they’d go on a date with a hum-

Oh.

Oh no. No no no. They can NOT be getting their charged surged by a human right now. Can they? Ah frag- there’s no way the others will let them live this one down if they find out. Uh, no one else had snuck out to this show.. right?

-

None the wiser to the panicking ‘oh-I-might-be-a-human-fucker’ alien vehicle just on the next row, you go about the monotony of showing off the next car to some clients your boss had set you up with to give a tour of the show. ‘67 Pontiac GTO. Not too shabby.

Unfortunately, these clients happened to be a real pain in the ass to deal with; constantly attempting to one up your knowledge of cars as if it would get them social kudos or make some certain body parts suddenly bigger.

You resist the urge to roll your eyes when one of the “disquinished” gentlemen buts elbows with the other in a poor attempt at a joke, pressing on. Your break just can’t come soon enough.

Just as you’re about to lead the clients over to the next row, you spot a vehicle you’ve never seen before. Rare. Exotic but you can’t place from where. Hmm.

Immediately, your boredom and curiosity get the better of you, pardoning yourself to go check out whatever is going on with that new car. You’re pretty familiar with all the cars that come through here by now, having put on these shows several times and the same lot of old money vintage cans being brought to show off. But this? Oh they are nothing like the other cars here. Maybe your break can come a few minutes early..? The boss won’t mind- what they don’t know won’t hurt them. It’s just- research! Yeah, research. You get paid to know everything about every vehicle here so, of course you’d go check it out!

Unfortunately, a voice stops you just short of your attempted leave. ‘Ah shit.’ Guess your boss had caught you trying to escape from dumb and dumber. What a joy. Oh well, shouldn’t take too long to make your way down this row and onto the next. Then you’ll be able to get your hands on that- ahem- figure out whose car that is and where it’s from.

-

In the midst of realizing they quite possibly are attracted to humans, they also begin to put together the nature of your work. Unable to really look away from you, and frankly not daring to move with how many humans are around, they observe you for quite some time. You seem to know a lot about Earth vehicles. Hnng. Teaching, or at least trying to, two other humans who don’t look to be listening and one who looks like a pushover.

For a moment it almost seemed as though you wanted to approach them, had seen your gaze come their way before that older person beckoned you. Your little group is within audial distance now and- oh my Primus- are you seriously giving a run down of that tin cans specs? And you’re touching it! Oh come on, you must be some sort of freak! First you work at a car brothel, then you practically throw yourself onto them!?

So you’re a human and a freak, and they’re apparently into that, which is a revelation that’s making their engine threaten to choke at every passing moment. Can feel their tires shifting around restlessly. They have to resist the urge to transform and give you a real car to swoon over right then and there. Stupid rust bucket, hates that damn car. Why they’re suddenly so offended by you just doing your job, they don’t even know- doesn’t even know you but you’re cute and they’re in a tight space in a perverse situation right now and it’s honestly making them a little mad.

Finally accepting, albeit reluctantly, that they’re into a human; they wait until the humans ooing and awing at their freshly polished paint disperse to covertly drive into the last slot on your row. Making them do all this work and risk getting caught. They should be mad at you for being so attractive. Hmph. Making your way over all too slowly, spouting off every factoid in the book about each vehicle you pass. Touching them. Complimenting their looks. Being a general pain in this bots aft.

But now for the next problem, one they hadn’t thought of until now.

You’re getting closer.

You saw them on the other row.

And you’re coming closer.

Frag- Why don’t they ever think things through?-

With each gaining step they feel their interior grow a little more stuffy and the floor is practically melting from how much heat they’re giving off.

And holy scrap- you’re even cuter up close! Oh no, why did they think this was a good idea?? Human cars don’t move on their own, and they’re way too distracted by how soothing your voice sounds to even think about using their holoform right now! On top of that, how do they even talk to you? “Yo what’s up I’m a talking car??” Oh that’ll turn out splendid. Let’s just lead with the “alien species currently stowing away on your planet from war” part too, what could go wrong?

Their engine revs unintentionally when you lean to slide your hand over the hood of another vintage, ‘59 Impala, earning them weird looks from other guests. Your head snaps over to where the sound came from, it was loud enough to get your attention despite being both busy and a few cars down.

Immediately, your brows furrow. There aren’t supposed to be any drivers inside right now, let alone driving cars around the show floor. Your boss clears his throat and gives you a quick look that tells you to get moving and figure it out- returning to fake a laugh at something one of the clients from earlier had said.

Immediately taking your opportunity to abandon the flock of fools, you begin politely asking other guests to clear the area so as to speak to this driver. Bot here is happy to see them oblige and give you two some solo time. Still mildly freaking out over the fact that you’re so closer they can literally vent in your scent, and dear Primus you look so squishy. Soft. Are humans always so soft? Weirdly accepting or at very least no longer questioning their human fucker status. Embarrassed their windows are so foggy though.

You gently tap on the door, not wanting to rudely knock on someone’s glass, but needing to get hold of the situation. Although not a serious offense, you’d much rather not have to deal with your bosses griping later.

“Excuse me, driving on the show floor is prohibited. Could you please exit the vehicle?”

Barely restraining the roar threatening to spill through their hood right now, you don’t look all too concerned with talking to this so called human driver you’re expecting. Much too busy raking your eyes over their frame and appreciating each detail. Utterly shameless, utterly sinful.

Clearly distracted, they just bide their time while you reach out a hand. Oh please, please just touch them once. They aren’t sure they won’t immediately- ahem- on the spot but they don’t even care.

“No driver huh? Must have left.” You are much too accepting of this predicament. Your fingers come to play across their side mirror, which has tilted since you last saw, giving them a better view of you. Aimed right at your- okay who the hell!- With newfound determination, albeit still very curious about this unheard of car, and it’s really good paint job.. and frame.. Arrg, no! You try to shake off the weird electrical sensation toying at the back of your neck in a flustered huff. “Guess that means I’ll have to move you myself then.”

Oh frag. You’re kidding right? You don’t have a key or anything and isn’t that normal for human cars?? They hardly notice the way their wheels gently roll them forward into your touch even more and they really hope you don’t. Surprise, your eyes instantly dart to their wheels. This day just keeps getting better and better.

You try for the door, and it pops open without difficulty nor need for a key. Strange.. You slide all too comfortably into their front seat, and lord help them you’re so soft. Your thighs are squished against their seat and your weight almost feels like a relaxing massage, but the little grimace you’re sporting telling them it really is burning up in here.

“Cars on, why would someone just leave their car on and open?” Thinking aloud, your confusion fades into a sigh, hesitance replaced by a shrug and accepting this rare opportunity you get to drive such a sweet ride. Ah what the hell, certainly you’re just imagining this car doing things on its own, right? You’re just tired from work. Haven’t even gotten a break yet and you’ve been on your feet all day. Best to just seize the moment and enjoy it, what could go wrong?

-

Alright we’ve already established you’re a freak but are you really just gonna trust a random vehicle you’ve never seen before like this?? Fantastic, the human they’re losing their processor for happens to have absolutely no self preservation.

At this point, they’d be on their knees begging and pleading Primus to help them act natural if they could. Well- natural for a human car. You buckle the seatbelt and their radio kicks on accidentally, a surge of panic and a little something else going straight through their frame. You can’t feel EM fields right? Because they can feel yours and it’s screaming “suspicious” and- hmm what’s that other thing? Whatever. Not denying it, just hurtful.

“Okay, this is getting really weird.” Why you’re not more freaked out, you don’t know. It’s oddly exciting? Rare mystery car shows up out of nowhere without a driver and keeps doing things on its on..? Can’t help that human curiosity. Still not convinced you aren’t losing your mind though. Dehydration maybe?- There’s a cool emblem you don’t recognize on the steering wheel; you swipe your thumb over it before your hands smooth up and down the wheel itself. Allowing your fingers to explore each nook and cranny of the interior.

Dear Primus help them. You’re smiling. The choke of their engine is almost painful, they don’t even care if they give themselves away right now. Knows they should but frag you’re in their front seat dammit- and touching their dash to boot! Your hands are wandering all over their interior and they wonder how you could just touch a car like this?? You really are a freak! They could just drive off into the sunset with you right now. Won’t, but certainly thinking about it.

Radio flips to a romantic song, and they’re glad they muted their comms upon arrival. You raise an eyebrow, glancing at the radio before settling back into the seat again. Taking your hands with you too- hmph.

You find yourself a little too into this car after spending time with it. It’s definitely weird how it keeps doing things on its own, it seems to respond to you touching it? You feel a little crazy but you’re starting to believe it isn’t the long day of work finally getting to you. Come on, it’s absolutely revving every time you touch the emblem on the wheel. Maybe this is just some wacky design feature in new exotic vehicles or something?

Either way, you go to back out of your spot and immediately the engine sputters when your hand meets the clutch. Really starting to think you should’ve brought more water with you to work today, but you just can’t make yourself leave yet. Need to work on that self preservation buddy. Have to move the car first anyway.

-

It’s taking every modicum of strength and restraint they have not to say something, anything, to you. How you’ll react? They don’t know. But do they care right now? Not when your hands are on them, not when you’re in their front seat, and certainly not when you shift to look over your shoulder and they can feel how soft your thighs are.

They don’t even wanna start thinking about the whole alien thing right now. The likelihood of you freaking out and jumping through their window too high to want to risk it by talking to you. Or worse, you rat them out to some government agency. God but if they don’t- how will they ever get your attention? You are way too cute, and you know so much about cars! They will not forgive themselves for missing this opportunity.

-

You manage to return them to their previous parking spot, hesitating again to leave. Both because this car still holds so many mysteries and also because you’re not super keen on returning to those two jerks from earlier. You relax your head back, closing your eyes. Maybe you’ll just wait until the driver returns? Not convinced there even is one but that should buy you some time. Give you an extra couple minutes of peace. I mean, the seats are really comfortable..

-

Screw it. Worst thing is they have to take you back to base and have you swear to secrecy, alternatively your fellow humans just think you’ve gone nuts. Miss all the shots you don’t take. Number first, explanations later.

Fully preparing themselves to have to dip out of this joint in a hurry, they take a chance that will definitely get them chewed out if anyone ever finds out. They shut off their radio. Static fizzles through the speakers.

“Alright so, don’t freak out-“

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Note: I just had fun writing this, I didn’t make it super ambiguous which bot I was thinking of lmao. Also, I hope the jumps between perspectives weren’t too confusing, I may need to work on that. Also also experimenting with blue/green color palette hmmm

Cleaning with them is.. a challenge. Hook enjoys a clean environment the most but the rest don’t care so much. Scrapper is the next in line for cleanliness, and Bonecrusher doesn’t understand the point of cleaning if it’s just going to get dirty again. Mixmaster hates cleaning up his messes and aftermath of his pranks. He’s like a feral cat taking a bath. Scavenger doesn’t really care about cleaning but likes to help you so he can receive praise, it’s his not so dirty secret, pun intended. Long Haul complains the entire time, grumbling about how it isn’t even his mess this time, but if you offer him a hug or any small affection he’ll suck it up, lol. They’ll help you clean if you ask demand but some of them whine about it. If something is too high for you to reasonably clean by yourself and they catch you trying anyway, precariously balanced on a stack of objects, they’ll snag you up and scold you, immediately starting to do if for you instead. 

When it comes to moving in, they’re helpful but all a little nosey, it’s just because they’re curious! They’ve never seen these human things before and wanna know what they’re for. Your favorite pajamas- why are these coverings only for recharge? They’re soft and Scavenger wants a pair bot sized. A handheld game console, a vinyl, that organic plant thing? They just have so many questions. 

Some of them, *cough* Mixmaster and Hook *cough* are a bit nosier than others. They promptly get a smack over the helm when they’re caught taking a peak in some of your moving boxes before frantically trying to muster an excuse to you as to why they thought your coverings were so interesting it smells like you

They’re all pretty helpful when it comes to moving your things, though it was an entire feat of engineering in and of itself to transfer them and also avoid it looking fucking insane when you were packing your items into various construction vehicles. Lets hope your old neighbors got a kick out of it at least. Would’ve been a hoot for an HOA. 

They make many accommodations for you once you move into the base, the majority of which end up benefiting them in some way too. They build things that make you feel more equal to them despite the size difference, chairs and tables that keep you at a more reasonable level to them so you feel like part of the team, because you are! Fleshie or not, you’re stuck with them now<3 The benefit to this for them is that you’re much easier to see, not getting caught under ped, and also to pick you up or spin around. They’re playful and enjoy a good physical touch too. 

Now they do buy “It was.. lawfully obtained!” you human furniture and goodies just because they like to spoil you, but they enjoy building for you wayyy more. It’s a chance to show off their talents and receive compliments from you! 

They will also gladly look at what you like/listen to your style preferences and tastes and adhere to them. Prefer a brighter color palette? Boom, habsuite painted. Like more vintage aesthetics? Gotchu. Just send em some references and they’ll get to work, though don’t be surprised if they use their expertise to better a piece. “That design was nice but I made sure it was more durable for ya.” That sort of vibe. They put extra effort into what they build when it’s for you, too. Please praise them! Bonecrusher is also happy to break down walls if they don’t fit your vibe- he just thinks you shouldn’t forget that part. 

They will absolutely let you help them build but nothing that could get you hurt. Sit in someone’s lap while they work? Yes please. Ride on someone’s shoulder? Mhm. Wanna learn how to use a certain kind of alien space tool? Sure thing! Need help holding it? Don’t even have to ask, they’re practically creating reasons out of thin air to be close or touch you. 

Speaking of touch, if the world were remade in their exact ideals you would never leave (any of) their sides. They love to carry you. You may have to ask them to put you down because they just enjoy your warmth and presence so much they can’t help it. Mixmaster is a demon with the tickling, though. Sometimes you fall asleep on Scrapper while he’s working and he nearly jumps out of his plating when you suddenly move on his shoulder or arm. Hook likes to parade around with you almost like he’s a proud sparkling/child showing off a toy. He doesn’t treat you like one though, just happy he gets time with you. Scavenger lets you rest in his scoop, if you were looking for the worlds most fun and deadly swing set, you’ve definitely found it. They all like to cuddle- although Scavenger is the most likely to ask- nuzzle their faceplates against your body, press you against their neck cables and steal you to go recharge in their berths. You may need to sneak away for some alone time because between the 6 of them they just never stop, lol. 

They’re loud and rowdy and like to brawl/spar each other randomly, but Long Haul and Bonecrusher especially like to mass shift and wrestle with you lol good luck-

They are so fucking protective and honestly seem like they want someone to try you just so they can fight lol

Absolutely will NOT take you to Decepticon base ever. They don’t trust those little scraplets around you, even the most trustworthy ones like Soundwave. Not a chance. You’re squishy and fleshie, most Decepticons would take the opportunity to harm you and if you think for even one single klik that they won’t combine into Devastator to absolutely shred a bot to pieces for even thinking of touching you, you’re absolutely wrong. Did I mention they’re protective?

They are also very easily jealous, but because you have them wrapped around your finger and they listen to anything you say, they’ll chill if you say so. They don’t get as jealous of each other as they do others, like friends that get just a little too flirty with you over the phone. “Do they know ya live with a buncha giant mechs?” “Need us to take em out?” Guys please chill- That said they still fight each other for your attention, lol. 

As for other habits the bots have, 

Bonecrusher is destructive, and sometimes he can’t help it. He has the tendency to just break shit all the time, “Nah, don’t worry, I can fix anythin.” Now if you’re around? Gentle as a mouse. He will absolutely not endanger his favorite little fleshie. He will, however, break things with you. Or for you. Angry and wanna wreck shit? He’s here to help. Want a personal rage room in the base? They’re already building one don’t even worry about it. Bonecrusher is definitely crushing alright, especially when he sees you destroy things. He loves that fury a bit too much. What? Breaking things is his whole schtick! “Can ya really blame a mech?”

Mixmaster is a maniacal little fella, he enjoys a good prank or two. He keeps it much more gentle with you, as you are much more fragile, but with the others? It almost always results in a med bay visit or a brawl in the middle of the common room. He likes when you join him in the setup of his pranks. He’s also a big jokester and really loves making you laugh, yes he will endanger the lives of his fellow teammates just to make you even utter so much as a giggle. And again, tickle demon. 

Scavenger sometimes just knocks on your berth door and barges in to hang out because he’s got self esteem issues and your presence makes him feel better. He likes to lay his helm in your lap and ramble about his day, though he repays the favor and will gladly let you cuddle him for warmth too. Any praise you offer him is immediately boosting his ego, although no where near that of Hook, egotistical little shit. He also loves helm scratches, and looks not too dissimilar from a cat when his engine starts purring at the sensation. Mayyybe he’ll recharge for just a few minutes.. 

Hook, second in command to Scrapper, can be quite snobby at times, especially when he thinks something isn’t good enough for you. He and Scrapper agree that you can *only* be given the absolute highest tier, master-crafted gifts. Handmade gifts are common from all of them, and yes of course they built you shelving when you complained about not having a place for all the little trinkets did you forget? 

Hook may be a perfectionist, but if anything isn’t to your liking in the base he’ll get Scrapper to whip up some new plans to change it however you’d like.

Scrapper spends most of his time creating plans and blueprints for new projects, piling the ever tall stack of datapads and shelved plans higher and higher. If you praise his work he shyly shrugs it off but he really appreciates the compliments. In stark contrast to Hook who absolutely adores and agrees with your praise. You can most often find him hunched over his desk- a handcrafted one- drawing up more ideas for their next builds. Don’t tell him if you catch a peak at any secret plans he’s made for you please, it’s a surprise<3

Long Haul spends much time in the makeshift gym the mechs have built inside the base. He longs to be in battle but understands the importance of his work, so he supplements his time fighting with working out. “What, did ya really think Cybertronians didn’t do that?” He pats your head while you watch him, maybe he’ll show off a littleextra since you’re here. You can literally see the mesh beneath his plating flexing when he moves, ha good lucky buddy- 

As for game nights and video games, they love the sims. Fight me. Also shooter games and sandbox games like Minecraft. They literally build the coolest, most intricate bases and contraptions. Yes of course they built a custom console station big enough for all them, are you really surprised??? They did politely purchase steal some of the tech though- 

Board games almost always get banned because of the fights they cause but if, and only if, you play some strategic build related game, they instantly all turn into well-thought, somewhat quiet professionals. They don’t even fight they just go into team mode and it’s wild. Uno got banned immediately because Mixmaster and Bonecrusher destroyed the table. 

Living with this group of rowdy mechs is always sure to spell a few things: disaster being the main one, but funny moments being the other big contender. 

One time, Bonecrusher took down your berth door on accident while you were about to change clothes for bed. He didn’t catch anything though. He just wanted to come visit you and maybe sneak in some private time for a cuddle or- anyways. He went to press in the passcode- why you even still had one was a mystery given that they all knew it by spark- and his servo simply went through the entire door. He says it was an accident, Mixmaster says he was just really excited to see you. You’ll never know which is true, but there’s a sense that it may be a bit of both. 

Another funny moment happened when you had them try spicy human food. Boy did that end well, at least for you, who got a major laugh from many of them not being able handle it. Insert the visual image of a bunch of giant robots loudly complaining, whining, and practically screaming about a painful sensation they’d never felt before, made especially funny by how they were previously talking mad smack about human cuisine and how there was no way an organics fuel could possibly hurt them. 

“What the frag is in that damn thing?!” “Who ticked ya off? Why are ya tryna kill us??” “I thought we were buddies..” 

Hook just about started convulsing when he initially tried it, and yes it was absolutely hilarious. Full blown, mech on the damn floor, punching the metal like he was dying. But it’s okay cause they all thought you were adorable with your head tipped back and tears in your eyes from laughing. Even if they were crying, lol 

They don’t understand how ‘little feeble’ humans can handle such foods, spice isn’t really a thing on Cybertron. They’re genuinely worried for your health when you eat spice and some of them even tend to snag it away from you, lol. Some of them, Mixmaster mostly, actually start to enjoy it after a while though, and if you’re a big fan of spice you’re unfortunately going to have to share. The roommate tax, as it’s been coined throughout the base. 

“Hey- you can’t just steal my snacks like that!” “Roommate tax!” Followed by a glossa being stuck out at you. 

Another fun one was when hosting a PowerPoint night in place of game night, which they all enjoy, but this only resulted in brawls over every disagreement. Topics such as building styles are NOT to be taken lightly in this base. They will lay down the hand of Primus himself to prove they’re correct in their preferences. “Functionist style over Old Cybertronian?? Frag no!” Followed by the sounds of crashing and breaking objects. 

Mixmaster also built you a gun one time so you can play around and join them- yes the others promptly smacked him for giving you a dangerous weapon. Also it’s too big for you to lift anyway- lol

As for more romantic relationships: when it comes to dates, nights in are the most common because unfortunately they’re practically all you can do. Late night drives are also a frequent one, forest walks and movie nights are all great too! Wanna build with them for a date? They’d be absolutely all over that. If you build something specifically for them?? Well that leads us to our next part.

In the berthroom, let’s not beat around the bush- you wanna top, bottom, be vanilla, be kinky, they don’t care, they just want you asap. They each have individual likes and dislikes but they absolutely never cross your boundaries and really, they take almost too much time to prep you, despite how it’s clearly edging them. A safe word is established well before any of you endeavor into a sexual relationship to ensure the whole team stays functional and happy. Having a team of pent up, massive mechs who can’t get enough of you definitely has its benefits.. 

All in all, this group is incredibly fun and protective. They’re creative and funny and there’s never a dull moment in the base, it’s always loud with playful bickering and sounds of carpentry and metalworking reverberate off the walls practically constantly. They’re super caring and loyal to you, happily wrapped around your finger and they know it. 

Just please for the love of god make sure Bonecrusher stops eating people. 

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Notes: DJD (might be) next on the list! I’m also thinking Rodimus and Drift!