Apr 23, 2016
Im not allowed to say "I'm sorry" anymore because apparently that's very common among abuse victims, so I'm walking around saying "I'm apologetic!" constantly. Moral of the story: work around things, you can get it done.
Loading...
seen from Yemen
seen from Australia
seen from Germany
seen from Netherlands
seen from Netherlands
seen from Germany
seen from Norway
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from TĆ¼rkiye
seen from China
seen from Netherlands
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from Finland
seen from TĆ¼rkiye
seen from United States
Im not allowed to say "I'm sorry" anymore because apparently that's very common among abuse victims, so I'm walking around saying "I'm apologetic!" constantly. Moral of the story: work around things, you can get it done.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Just another day...
Today I was really distressed at an appt. We were standing with my case manager, I was about to have an injection I find difficult mentally. Mum said, it's okay we'll go for a walk afterwards, which calms me. I reminded her about my sore ankle. So she changed it to, it's okay, I'll take you to the cemetery. My case manager bursts out laughing. It sounded really suss, it's true. But we went to the cemetery. And I calmed down. (We didn't find the grave we were looking for though.)
Falling apart at the seams and none of my doctors know needlework.
Rant, medications.
medications suck. I need them but Iām thinking of stopping them because of the horrible side effects.The side effects make me want to do things I know I shouldnāt be thinking about. Iāve gained so much weight, when I eat healthy, when i do eat. And when I do eat my suicidal feelings get so much fucking worse I donāt know how I manage to get through each day.
And Iāve got a friend who really needs me atm so i really need to be ready to be there for him but seriously I just canāt get myself together...
Sitting in my room basically just feeling sorry for myself and the way my life has chosen to go at the moment, when my bff rings with the worst news I can imagine. It could drag me down further and make me totally relapse. But no, itās going to make me STRONGER because if I want to do anything at the moment, I want to be there for him. For them. For everyone but me.Ā
Doing something for me doesnāt interest me right now. But doing something for those I love, those I adore, thatās a totally different story.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Yeah, everyoneās drinking because they just finished work for the week, Iām drinking because I just survived a bad dissociation and paranoia episode. (Thank you Lorazepam and Calvin.)
fuck you ptsd.Ā
i canāt do this anymore. I have so many plans but they look further and further away. I try to socialize and I just canāt handle it sometimes.Ā āWhat do you do?ā is a loaded question because I answer honestly ānothing right nowā (except dominatrix on the weekends for extra cash- LOL @ my bestie Mike) but am thinkingĀ āspend all day trying not to cry, self harm or worse, spend all my energy getting up the strength to eat and drink, spend alot of time weighing up whether i should take my meds and deal with the side effects, or not take them and fall into my illness so i become numb, just slowly rot from the inside out.ā But yeah,Ā ānothing right nowā is my answer, and Iāve got to think that adding RIGHT NOW means something, it means if I have a future it will be filled with all the wonderful things I want to do and I can change my answer to āwell, actuallyā. But at the moment, fuck you ptsd.
Iām sorry for the rant but I havenāt been to neurofeedback in a little while and I think Iām really feeling it, I think this little time without it proves that itās doing something, that itās worth the money and the time and the tiredness and the gunk in my hair.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear." Mark Twain In stressful situations when our life is at threat we have a very powerful mechanism of protection. It is an automated system within our brain that acts even before we are able to take conscious actions. This system has protectedā¦
Goal setting, mental rehearsal (vizualization), positive self talk, arousal control.
Rustamās latest words of wisdom from today come from the four steps in this article. Trying to remember them more often on my own. And Iāve got to breathe. Iāve got to practice breathing... which sounds stupid but doing it properly really makes a difference, a big difference, on your physiology and when you can see it happening, itās pretty amazing.
Turns out there may be a medical reason for the hell that has been the last couple of weeks. Iām hoping there is, and we can treat it, and things will get better! There has been a general feeling of relief since I found out yesterday when my bloods came back.
This time next week I will be down the coast with my family for my brothers graduation. So looking forward to it. While Iām comparing things, Rustam and I were thinking about this time last year, and the difference between then and now, and what a change neurofeedback has given to my life already. Sure, thereās still alot of meds and stuff that weāre going to change... but weāve come SO FAR since weāve started. My brain had alot of slow activity when we first presented, due to all the ECT and meds and the fog that those things caused that I walked around in for years. Now itās a bit too fast, weāve worked on things so much. But weāre going to try a new protocol and slow things down abit. Itās really pretty damn awesome though. Iāve just got to let things happen and not think about them too much, find the equanimity in the moment and get out of this little slump.