#misc;neurofeedback

i can’t do this anymore. I have so many plans but they look further and further away. I try to socialize and I just can’t handle it sometimes. “What do you do?” is a loaded question because I answer honestly “nothing right now” (except dominatrix on the weekends for extra cash- LOL @ my bestie Mike) but am thinking “spend all day trying not to cry, self harm or worse, spend all my energy getting up the strength to eat and drink, spend alot of time weighing up whether i should take my meds and deal with the side effects, or not take them and fall into my illness so i become numb, just slowly rot from the inside out.” But yeah, “nothing right now” is my answer, and I’ve got to think that adding RIGHT NOW means something, it means if I have a future it will be filled with all the wonderful things I want to do and I can change my answer to “well, actually”. But at the moment, fuck you ptsd.

After everything at Tweed we drove to the city for an appointment with my psychiatrist which was pretty good, I told her about my four day solo trip into the city (which I could write about forever, it was AMAZING) and she hasn't seen me this well in awhile. (I still struggle everyday- some more than others- but I am learning to deal with things better.) She is going to come down to tweed one day and see what goes on. She's the one that found the centre for me so I'm so grateful. 

Goal setting, mental rehearsal (vizualization), positive self talk, arousal control.

Rustam’s latest words of wisdom from today come from the four steps in this article. Trying to remember them more often on my own. And I’ve got to breathe. I’ve got to practice breathing... which sounds stupid but doing it properly really makes a difference, a big difference, on your physiology and when you can see it happening, it’s pretty amazing.

Turns out there may be a medical reason for the hell that has been the last couple of weeks. I’m hoping there is, and we can treat it, and things will get better! There has been a general feeling of relief since I found out yesterday when my bloods came back.

This morning I started back with my doctor at Tweed with the neuroplasticity. It was hard, I couldn’t get my psysiology to change until right at the end when he had to stop and walk me through how to breathe and that sucked but it got a result and even though it’s not up to usual standards it was a result. So we were okay. I got into the car crying, but took some meds and got on top of things.

Tomorrow we see my case manager. I’m not looking forward to it. I have to say yes, I’m eating and drinking (even though it’s killing me) and yes, I’ve been safe. And I have to have bloods done and get some scripts I need. Because I haven’t really been sleeping, and I’ve been skimping on my PRN because we’re running out. So that will be good at least.

Tonight’s to-do list: ring the sit down for tickets to thursday. Taking my mum. Really looking forward to it.

I woke up yesterday really physically sick so had to bail on the powerhouse and Darling James. But there is next time, so I’m not giving myself too hard a time over it.