#mindrambles

The urge of a writer,

an itching urge that grapples your very soul.

An urge that takes over your fingertips

and causes them to twitch,

an urge that takes over your legs

causing them to pace.

An urge that steals your very mind

and whisks you away in ink and paper.

An urge that I find myself possessed with every day.

My hands are marred with paper cuts and stained with ink.

My fingers tap on every surface it reaches.

My cords hum with thought,

my mind running faster than the speed of light.

There once was a boy,

tall and fare,

the prince of a prominent country

it speaks.

There once was a girl,

villainized by all,

her fate at the stake- her soul from a different realm

it whispers.

There was once a writer

his lips created worlds,

her words created people,

their mind, created stories.

That, my friends, is the urge

I did something today that I never imagined I’d do. I quit my job.  I guess the stress of people berating you with their problems got to me. Or maybe it was the constant drama I worked myself into amongst coworkers? The long, monotonous days where breaks and lunch were the light at the end of the tunnel? The slow downward spiral I had been noticing with my performance?  Whatever it was, it’s over now. A new chapter is upon me. And, frankly, I don’t have a clue how it’ll be written. I suppose it has to start somewhere. 

Lately I’ve found myself longing for connection; however it’s not something that is unfamiliar to me.  I’ve been here many times, it’s just that, previously I’ve had these misconceptions that people want people who are simillar; that said, I’ve really found myself in places I shouldn’t, situations in which I’ve made myself fit, and it’s like the classic square peg in a round hole. It’s not me. The thing is, people like people who are outgoing, who stand out. And that just isn’t me.  I find more contentment in completing something well, in doing something right. I’d rather be the one who is solid, who is competent and well versed in specific areas. I’m not flashy, but it’s not in me to be. It may come out at times, but that’s not due to a need to feed my ego, but out of necessity. Take, soccer for example. Sure, skills can be flashy, scoring and commanding a game can turn heads, but it’s not out of an attempt to do so that gives me pleasure. It’s out of pure pride in accomplishing the task that gives me joy.  I value efficiency, competency, intelligence. Knowing when to celebrate a job well done, and how to go about expressing yourself in a more.. conservative manner. Not that successes shouldn’t be praised, but many times I find we praise the obvious, the tasks or accomplishments that aren’t really that, more compliments that only inflate egos.  There is a time and a place for positive encouragement, and sometimes I feel that line is getting more and more blurred with our constant need to praise everyone and everything.  Getting back to the original point though, I’m not one to get overly excited, to be overly loud; it’s just not in me to be the centre of attention. It might be why I don’t have many close friends, but also why I get along with so many people. 

Here’s a little rant, I’ll try to keep it short. I really dislike taking advice from people who hardly know the subject. If someone is clearly uninformed on a subject, I don’t let it sink in.  There is no use taking information from someone who doesn’t know it, and once gathered, that info is something to build on. It’s not that I rank people, per se, but I do, mentally, in that, you either know something, or you don’t, and I very much hate when people speak on issues or topics they don’t know. 

Why the constant confusion and lack on interest. 

Why does this monster of whats next sit on my shoulder like an owl 

never sleeping, never missing a step. 

My energy is gone, my drive is dead and my head is in a permanent fog

cant hear myself.

cant catch up. 

i just drown

further and deeper into despair. 

what has my life become.