the previous post stemmed from an understanding that j. cole just brought to me. the past two days of my life have just seemed hella miserable. It literally felt like i was stuck in like a black hole and i wanted to get out but i couldn't see or find a way. He came back and it’s always so confusing with him. every fucking time. like it never gets easier it only gets deeper. the confusion, the love, the passion, the hurt, the emptiness. it all gets deeper. on Monday i thought i could end it, i was fine and i accepted that we would never really be we. On Tuesday we felt like exactly what i needed and all that i’ve been missing and craving and wishing. on Wednesday it was just me, and my thoughts scrambled all around. I just didn't know. Plain and simple. I didn't know why i cried, i didn't know why he made me so happy, i didn't know why he wanted to be around me, i didn't know why we clicked, i didn't know why he has a girlfriend but wont let me go. I don't know why he loves me and wont let it show. Folding clothes. Im ready to fold clothes and do laundry and turn your dirty things clean and and and and yeah just that. I want that. and we talked about politics and family and then our kids and still we .. are .. here. You with her and you in my head still. And you made a comment about how “y'all” could never sit and talk about politics. For 2 years I’ve wondered why her and not me. why not we? and then today it hit me, suddenly but smoothly. You want all that i have to offer, but you're not ready. And I’m not saying this to put myself above her but she’s a girlfriend and I'm a wife. You guys are having fun and life aint really going no where and you can still be immature and hood and and and stagnant. You’re comfortable there with her because there’s no change. no growth, no movement, no progress. & that’s real, it gotta be cause it hit me and i understood. I don't think that I'm better than him but i do believe i could bring out better in him. He just aint ready to be the person that i see him to be. I’m tempted to ask him “what you so scared of?” and then think back to june when he told me he was scared. when he tried to tell me he was scared and i went tf off. I was thinking he was scared to be without her or like he was scared of me or something. But now i feel like he was scared to leave her (i think that’s actually what he said) but scared to leave her and enter something new. experience change. And i could walk away, walk away because he’s not ready and i think I am. maybe if i walk away I’ll find what I'm looking for but what if i don't. Or what if i stay and he stays with her and i miss out on something more. i can finally see it for what it is. He always be like “we know what’s up with us” but i never knew. I always thought our sex was just bomb af, and then i thought ok maybe I'm obsessed and then i was like he love me cause i love him and now I'm just like…. damn. damn damn damn
