#mindcharity

I shared with a friend, sharing with you too.....

Last night was a mad one but nothing to apologise for bro I get it I've been there before more times than you know and I could see it in you it felt so personal didn't it? and with eventuality it felt like some other power beyond your control just took over. You are getting closer to God now the devil is panicing he's going to throw everything at you to try and keep you in his reach! Sometimes we have to fail to be better that's just the way of the universe. I've always side stepped every question about aby but here's is a truth about me that you should know. We had disagreements sure like everyone does but there was two nights inparticular that changed everything. I remember one like it was yesterday. As you already know I was a functional depressant and my anxiety was unbearable but I was doing well to hide it for a good 8 months or so before I left Panther so I thought at the time, but people close enough knew they could tell I was constantly overthinking ish I wasn't fooling no one, come to think of it I was just exhausting my state of mind trying to do so🤦🏿‍♂️. Anyways short story long😴😂... On this Friday I recall being so happy bro I was just so at peace the whole day just flew by everything clicked seamlessly I was just busting jokes in the office no plan B C or Ds were needed that day every thing just worked bro. What could go wrong right🤷🏿‍♂️? I am expecting wifey that night, life is good life is bless. What I didn't know then and I know now is whatever issues you have suppressed and you aren't dealing with they are going to come up and show up when you least expect it. We had a phone call and it just went left we argued It was just one of them ones like seriously is this happening? My anxiety just went from 0-100💣. I jumped in the car with quickness. Don't get me wrong I was saney enough to know that I should just chill the f out at this point, allow it and go to sleep or bang fifa. Naa I couldn't do it I had that urge, that desperate need to solve everything. Things didn't transpire the way I would've liked them to I just lost it, I looked every ounce of crazy one can look showing up at her house. Paranoid schizophrenic twat to put it bluntly🙄. Of course once that anxiety fueled adrenaline wears off nothing is ever the same. It literally broke me, I went there, a place so dark I vow to never return in this or any other lifetime!. In solitude like a broken record I found myself asking the same persisting question daily, if I am so toxic and such a bad soul what exactly was the purpose of my very existence in life? To this day I don't who I was speaking to but I sure wasn't asking God, I was holding onto way too much shame at that point to come before him in prayer. He heard my cry for help anyways.🙏🏿

Amongst Liars - Vice (piano version)