#metacommunication

I love communication and I love metacommunication and I just want to share my thoughts with all of you.

As humans, we assume everyone knows what we know, right? We assume people know how we feel, know our intent and know what we mean.

This is also known as the false consensus effect. Basically, seeing our own behavior and thoughts as common and appropriate.

But the reality is that every person has their own schema—or the sum of their experiences and circumstances that impacts how they behave and interpret their environment.

When you make edgy jokes, the people around you—who are most likely raised in a similar environment and therefore have a similar schema—may know that you’re joking and that it isn’t a true representation of what you think about a group.

Someone who grows up differently, who has a different schema and therefore views this behavior as a threat, will not. Maybe they’re black, gay, a woman or an immigrant. All of these will impact their schema and how they interpret your behavior.

And it’s unfair to expect them to know that you don’t actually believe what you’re saying. You’re a stranger. They don’t have to take your word for it that it’s just a joke or you didn’t mean it. Why should they? There are people who act like you that do have the intention to harm them, why should they give you the benefit of the doubt? Why do they need to be hospitable or risk putting themselves in a dangerous situation? Why do they need to accommodate a stranger indistinguishable from the everyday racist or homophobe?

How does a black person know that it’s ironic when you make the same racist remark as a neo-nazi? How does a random woman know you’re not a trad fasc when you make comments identical to trad fascists?

But people’s needs are unique, and it’s your responsibility to communicate how you want to be spoken to and treated by the people in your life, not rely on some chance they’ll see an impersonal tumblr post that happens to express how you feel. And if you feel like a family or friend might not feel comfortable speaking up: ask.

I’ve read through so many of these. And when they apply to me and my life, half the suggestions are things I would not want and things other people have specifically told me not to do for them.

4 Reasons Why Our Words Don’t Convey the Message We Intend

In the last couple of weeks I participated in several communication training seminars. As a trainer I have a huge responsibility to communicate in a correct, honest, benevolent way. Apart from one judgmental word, I was disciplined enough to stick to these principles. But what happens when I’m not in the trainer role? My words don’t create the message in the other I intended to make—a usual…