#mental vent

so dull

surely somethings going to shine some light soon, right?

I wrote a personal vent about the future about my art + buying commissions, the state of my life, and what’s going on behind my social media accounts. I love you all. Please give it a read if you care about what I do, this is important for me and for you.

Pic for the algorithm cause I know it doesn’t care about my words.

I don’t know how to say this, but I can’t find the time or energy to make art and/or buy commissions. My government is actively trying to kill me, my mental health is taking all my time and motivations. My effort is towards changing my behavior and behaving right, not pretending to be happy as I wanted to be.

I have not felt inspired or even desired to buy commissions. I have no new ideas, poses for art, songs for animation memes. I kept waiting for inspiration to hit again but it didn’t. I don’t even know if I’m going to be alive next year, how could you expect me to plan and buy a commission that may or may not be expensive?

It scares me. I deeply miss buying commissions but I feel like it’s rapidly losing me. I’m not as good as I used to be and I don’t understand how I made what I did. Deep depression and anxiety has made it impossible for me to do this, and I’ve lost crucial money for that. I’m scared.

I have to help my family out in order to prevent my house from being sold, only one of which I’m able to pay for. I can’t afford to go to my psychotherapy checkups. I barely have money to get stuff, yet I somehow have to save up money so I can escape Virginia next year. If Virginia doesn’t kill me first, of course.

I genuinely, through all of this, can’t keep going the way I always have. What little energy and passion I have left is helping my family out as fast as I possibly can. I wish I could be Shizuka the Scene Fox for you again. Someday. But I’m not safe, and I need to fight against that.

Imagined harassments and being blocked by people on social media cripple me. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. I see my inspirations improving and shining. I don’t understand. I’m happy for them. With this world around you? How do you do it? I don’t know.

I’ve found happiness and stability through watching art tutorials on YouTube. I want to go to an art school someday. And though my dream of touring and supporting myself through art always remains, is it really realistic? Where have I gone, who knows me? I can’t move out of Virginia from my beloved home sweet home.

That’s what’s been overwhelmingly on my mind lately, I guess. I know it’s venting and it might not make any sense and I’m sorry for that. I just can’t keep this to myself anymore. All I ask of you in the future is please, please be patient and loving with me. Please. I’m trying.

I want to end this with something positive. I’ve found massive comfort and peace amidst such awful stress through Learke lately. It’s genuinely helped me stay positive. I think when I get back, when I’m ready, I want to commission an animation meme that sounds like this.

I’m sorry guys for not showing up. I know you guys were expecting me to show up at Fur the More today, and I’ve been hyping it up. But I just can’t today. I don’t feel good at all. My mental health is bad, I’m screaming and crying like crazy, and everything is just horrible.

I’m so sorry everyone who was looking forward to seeing me irl. I’m going to try and go to Fur the More tomorrow, which is this Saturday, and see how I feel. I just feel very bad about this. I'll be taking it easy today and start recovering. Thank you for your understanding.

“Just admit you need help! And I promise you things will be easier after that 😢”

It doesn’t. It just makes you aware now.

Aware that yeah there are things I could do to stop it or at the minimum push it away until a later date. But what they alway lack to mention is chance.

Do you HAVE THE CHANCE to do those things. Can you break the schedules and deadlines? Can you have those people that set those deadlines and objectives change so you can pursue what you need to do?

And what’s even more funny in a fucked kinda way is that sometimes those same people that limit your window of chance is the one telling you to be aware.

Well guess what, yeah I’m aware, but where is your care for making me aware. YOU literally control most the things I have to do, but instead of taking away those things you just want me to add more. Then get upset I’m not putting as much attention to the old and focusing on that new new that your telling me to add instead of taking away previous stuff so I can do things.

You’re not helping making me aware of the issues and misery. You’re just pointing something out that takes away a good chunk of my coping mechanism that NEEDS that ignorance, then refuse to help after taking.

So maybe before your think yourself a savior and Good Samaritan helping someone find and acknowledge their self destructions and issues leading to their inner implosions, how about you nut the fuck up and STY AND HELP instead of fucking off and just being a reminder that.

“You have the ability to change why aren’t you doing it”

Like shit bitch you know how necked my schedule is AND how when I have free time it short as shit and I’m usually still working on other things and basically shut down.

I am working on it, but I am also currently going through a bite of a psychological break it happens once in a blue moon and it's scary and this is my first time sharing this on a public forum because I know now that I'm not alone even though I currently am what I mean is others go through this and one of the scariest parts is the isolation

I see someone for this I have an upcoming appt and I'm going to call them today as well

However this time I figured I would try to let other people who find themselves in this dark wood alone know that they do have at least one friend out here who gets it

This world can be selfish. Mean. Ugly. Judgemental. Unkind. Racist. Sexist. So many phobics. I would cry to goddess or what ever Truman show writer was in charge and ask for mercy if I knew it would help some but I don't.

What I do know is I want to be better and I know it's the first step to making the world better and I'm not going to give up even if my personal hell is haunting me once in a Blue Moon I. wont. give. up. I'm going to make this my silver lining year.

This will start the first full year without my little sister who due 20 days after her 35 birthday.at the end of July she will have been gone a full year.

Sometimes the world feels like it has lost all meaning or gravity and sometimes it feels oh so heavy.

She was soooooooooooooooooo amazing and even when she wasn't she came back and she had my back. At times people thought she was my daughter and I love her like she was and I think the hurt I feel at her loss is is less a big sister and more a mother. I feel a lot eminence guilt in her death though there wasn't anything I could do but I still feel it

Cancer took her from my family as it has taken many women in my family, and many others, I love movies they don't scare me Cancer scares me it stalks like the Babadook or Freddy.

She was the life of a room or part hell we together could get even the stuffiest of audience in a theater to participate in talking to the screen, when it was fun we are were respectful comedians now most of the time I'm alone in the theater wishing she was there.

But, and it is a big but, she would not want me mopping and cry yes she would give me my space and let me cry it out vent if I need and then we would go and do something or watch something to make us laugh or make something we both Are the creative type and ill share some of her things here some day probably her birthday 071188 so I'm going to keep creating and dedicate quite a bit to my baby sister

Those are my two favorite pictures of her

One when I said I could not find any motive to keep going to the gym she said she would go with me and we did till life wouldn't let me continue

I mustn't run away