Feb 10, 2020
Better than the original!
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Better than the original!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I post pics here bc I can’t randomly send my friends pictures of myself and tell them why they make me so happy. Like I could bc they’re so supportive but even bringing up the fact that I’m trans makes me feel off. I’d just end up triggering myself.
Buttttttttttt I’m very proud of this pic bcccc I’m genuinely passing, I feel confident, I look confident, my face is wide, and I don’t feel ugly. And I also don’t feel like I’m competing to look like some other guy.
Guilt free weekends.
My workouts and Week day eating has been so on point the last week that I didn't even feel guilty about ordering pizza with the boyfriend this weekend. Sometimes I think mental progress is the best kind of progress 💪🏼
I have decided that my first step to getting better is going to be to unlearn that I am an object.
Growing up I was basically just there to do work, and when I couldnt do it I got reminded that I was a burden and told I was stupid. I grew up as an object to do tasks and take the frustrations of the day.
I've never focused on myself before, and never got an idea of how people saw me. I only knew how I saw myself, and figured how I was treated was how I should be treated.
I never noticed that i didn't need a logical reason to like friends, but figured they needed one for me. Whenever I would ask why people would want me around they couldn't give an answer, and I'm only now realizing that they didn't have an answer because they didn't need a reason. If I had asked myself if I had a reason for wanting them around I would have the same trouble they did. Several times when I couldnt get an answer, I would use that to prove that I was worthless.
I've been so against myself for so long that I didn't even know there was another way. I know now that there are more ways, and that the way I was going was hurting others.
A decent amount of little things that I did years ago and forgot about are apparently still in some story circulation. I guess I made more of an impact than I thought.
On a less serious note, this cat keeps attacking the thing hanging from my phone, so I have this little dude jumping up randomly trying to steal my phone, and is a pretty happy time.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I think I left on good terms with my roommate, which is a good sign of progress. I hope it can continue and spread.
Moving is really stressful, more than it has been before with what has been happening.
I need a break, and hopefully I can get it.
Had a fairly normal conversation for the first time in weeks, and it felt nice. When it moved away from the general talk to what was going on with me, I had to leave for a moment to recompose myself. I think I'm more sensitive than I thought, but I'm not going to punish myself for it.
So I dont know what exactly I have, but it seems like a combination of depression, anxiety, PTSD, body dysmorphia, maybe imposter syndrome, and potentially autism.
My childhood was not a good one, and it's put a lot of views and behaviors into my head that I'm working on unlearning, including being unable to feel like I deserve anything good, especially being loved. I have absolutely no idea how people see me, and I wholeheartedly believe everything I say in self-deprecation, even when people have tried telling me otherwise. It's always seemed like it was being said sarcastically, or just to get me to shut up about it.
I've been doing a lot of research on mental illnesses recently. I've been opening up to myself more, keeping myself calm with breathing exercises even though it feels like I could have an anxiety attack at any point. I've also been doing tasks as they come so I don't end up with so many stresses that I have another breakdown. I've been making sure to actually experience my feelings, which has lead to a little more stress to manage, and to several crying sessions.
Writing here has been helping too, even if nobody ends up reading this.