#melissa?

I feel like I woke up from a long, good and bad dream. Like everything that’s happened over the past four years is just blurry - or like a movie from someone else’s perspective. I don’t understand what’s happened, but I know what’s happened. If that makes any sense.

As a system, we’ve been confused about who is who and where each alter comes from - and who the “core” or “original” personality is. Some say Aaron (AP) is the original. Others say we don’t have a core - there was never any ‘Melissa’ just the rest of us. Some think there was a part of AP that was Melissa and she died in 2014. 

but then...who am I? I know Aaron’s been around recently, and he very much feels like the ‘core’ personality. AP and Melissa have always been very tightly knitted together - as people inter-change them often, but are they really one and the same? Are they two sides of the same person? Or are they completely separate from each other? 

I feel like I’ve been living in a dream for the past couple weeks - as long as AP’s, been active again. We’ve both been here. He and I. Everytime he’s out, I’m out, but I’m not really in control. Or I haven’t been until 30-ish minutes ago. I’ve just been seeing through the eyes of someone else. Until now. However, I still feel AP’s presence in the background. Never truly gone.

I’m out because AP was thinking about relationships - and him being male in this body and what that would be like...but I shook my head and countered it with thoughts of myself with a lover as female. As me. But AP didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t either. My immediate response was, “I’m Melissa,” but AP told me that couldn’t be since he was initially Melissa and that the part of him that was she, died years ago. 

But I feel like that’s me? I feel like Melissa. The name fits me, and I remember it being my name. But I also remember being AP, and feeling like a man instead of a woman. Now we’re both confused. Are we the same person but two halves of a whole? Are we identical twins but male/female? How can we both feel connected to Melissa but not be the same person? 

Maybe I’m imagining this. Maybe I’m not real. Maybe I’m just that part of AP that is still holding onto Melissa, but am not really her.

Still. I feel like I am Melissa. I know I’m not Charlotte, or Penny, or Victorya, or any of the other female alters. I’m definitely not male either. My memories are funky, so I don’t know if I can rely on them. I just...I feel like Melissa. That that is who I am, but I still question it... Especially since Melissa “died” three years ago.

I don’t know what to think of any of this, and now I’m getting a headache. :/