#mcxsaeran

It had taken Saeran more than a year to accept his twin back in his life. To see him every day and live in the same home. He had worked so hard and long to give him a chance after he decided to move in with him. The look on Saeyongs face had been pure and happy. And yet the redheaded hacker failed him. Another chance and the same outcome. Saeran couldn’t bear with it any longer.

These days MC had the worst mood swings he had ever seen in a person. One moment she would call him, with an excitement in her voice he couldn’t even imagine, because she had found a new awesome ice cream flavour combination she wanted him to try. Other moments would follow where shadows darkened her face, before she went silent and ran out of the room sobbing. She wouldn’t talk to him anymore. Even if he tried she blocked him out every single time. But at night he hugged him desperately or clawed at his shirt and her tears left his clothes damp.

A letter informed them that the bunker now officially belonged to Saeran. He hadn’t asked for it but he accepted  the gift without questioning it further. He would need a place to stay and he liked the safety this place provided, especially after the attack on MC. And somewhere deep in his mind an idea of him and MC here, happy, still had him captivated.

The night he had kissed her was nowhere near the situations he had imagined in his head. Back then he had wanted to wait way longer. Maybe after a few months she would slowly forget Saeyong and see him, right beside her. And when she was ready for it, he might have given her flowers or other things she liked. Things that made her so happy, her eyes would shine brighter than usual. Step by step he would fight his way into her heart and cure the pain his twin had left.

And then, after all that, he had planned to gently surround her and confess his feelings that grew deep inside his heart like the roots of a flower despite all the pain he was in. Saeran wanted her to feel the same. With every breath he ached for that unsure moment in the future. If he would ever get there, he swore to himself, the kiss he would plant on her lips would be gentle and as sweet as her favourite ice cream.

So he officially offered her to stay as long as she wanted to. He even told her that he was glad she was here with him. But all she did was look away and hide herself under the pile of countless blankets and pillows in the living room.

When he crawled underneath the blankets this night, she was still awake, her back turned to him. She wouldn’t turn around to face him, but she finally spoke. It was a soft mumble, barely a sound. Additionally she was shivering, so he moved closer, trying to warm her a little through body contact.

“Saeran, I can’t stay like this any longer.”

His heart skipped a beat at the sound of her words. What was this supposed to mean? When she went on talking, he realised he had held his breath all this time. Her quivering voice startled him even more. And she told him how everything in the bunker reminded her of Saeyong. How it sickened her every second. That she couldn’t stop thinking about him since they had seen him in the hospital. After a break she quietly added “even you remind me of him. I’m sorry Saeran, I know you’re not the same. I really do. It’s just…,” she stopped and took a deep breath as if to relax herself. “You look so similar. And you’re so nice to me. I don’t think I can handle it.”

Everything inside him froze when she told him again, that he reminded her of his brother. He hated it. How could she still compare him with this idiot? He bit his lip which began to bleed a little again, but this time his rage couldn’t consume him. He was prepared to fight his emotions this time.

So he remained quiet, trying to take the painful words in. He really tried to understand them, for her sake. He couldn’t allow to scare her any more and endanger his dream. Instead had to protect her, as much as Saeyong hadn’t. Saeran swore to himself he wouldn’t break his promises.

So instead of getting angry at her for comparing them, he asked what he should do, what might help her.

Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

First part done, at least three more to go. 

The more it surprised him when he distanced himself a little and she followed. Longing for him. Less aggressive than he had been, but still demanding she stole kiss from him as sweet as ice cream. And that was it.

Somehow he had let go of her wrists that now were around his neck. Somehow she had come even closer, pushing her body cool body against him in a close hug. And somehow he stood there without a clue what to do, his hands hovering in a hug like gesture without touching her.

She was crying again. And he wouldn’t have it. Wanted to apologize for what he just did to her. If it helped her he would hurt himself, he would leave immediately, anything to erase the moment he took advantage of her. the way she shivered made his stomach ache again and left a dull pain he couldn’t run from. Guilt.

Minutes must have passed before he found the strength in him to tell her to go to bed. Which she didn’t. She wouldn’t make a single move, still clinging onto him. A sigh escaped him when he gave up on persuading her. She was as stubborn as ever and he had no idea what she wanted right now.

Since she didn’t answer him, he decided to take action on himself. Again. He had carefully calculated what to do this time. If this wouldn’t work, he had no idea what else might.

“MC. Shall we go to sleep?,” he whispered, fear filling his voice. She nodded on his shoulder but still showed no intention to move towards the couch or one of the bedrooms. Before he could ask her for the reason why, she mumbled something.

“Can you carry me?”

He twitched a little at the words. Carry her? Not that he didn’t want to, but..

“My knees are wobbling. I don’t feel able to walk right now,” she said with a whiny voice. Which was enough for him to carefully pull her up bridal style and carry her to the bedroom they had slept in earlier. She leaned her head on his shoulder, eyes already closed. It was only a few steps to the room but when they arrived there she was already asleep.

The next day had been weird all the way. None of them knew what to do with the other one. They couldn’t stay far away from each other yet they couldn’t look each other in the eye either. And they couldn’t talk to each other. Everything ended up feeling weird so they just stayed in the same room filled with awkward silence.

MC was in a hot bath when the messenger vibrated. He stayed in the living room again, sitting on the couch with a small bowl of ice cream. Curiously he looked at the message. Usually the RFA members didn't use the chatroom anymore, so it must be something out of the ordinary. They were still friends but it felt wrong to chat like they used to back then when Saeyong was still with them. They all had lost a dear friend.

Did MC recover?

The three words made his heart beat faster, filled him up with rage and made his fist clench hard enough to break the phone. The glass of the screen shattered and dug into his skin, red blood drops starting to fall to the ground. He didn't feel any of it.

Furious he threw the remnants of the electronic device into the garbage can. Did she recover? Was that really all he had to say? If he knew about her former condition he must have known what was going on. That she was under attack. That she stayed at the hospital for a WEEK. And yet he only sent three words.

It pained him to see how little his brother cared for his girlfriend. Former girlfriend? Ex? Whatever they were right now. Since Saeyong had just left he wasn’t really sure what their relationship was right now. He knew he shouldn’t care if he wanted to avoid hurting himself any more. Yet his mind circled around his twin.

And after a month that was all he sent. He asked about her. What about him? Why wasn’t he here, taking care of his girl himself? His brother was such an idiot. He never really understood his or MC’s feelings. He never deserved a girl as caring and bright as her. And after all the times he had told him they would spend their lives together his brother just..

“Saeran? What happened?,” MC asked as she entered the room, her hair still in a towel from the bath. When she saw his hand she immediately rushed to him. Her eyes went from taking a closer look at it, then at him again, demanding an answer. It fluttered him to see her this concerned about him. Maybe..

No. Telling her the truth would only hurt her. He might tell her everything and break her heart. Blackmailing his twin would be refreshing to a certain degree. But he doubted he could get any closer to her through that. It would only rip her wounds open.

“It’s nothing..,” he tried to tone it down but she wouldn’t have it. Instead she glared at him, her head turning a shade of red. When he still didn’t answer she puffed her cheeks which ended in the colour deepening. With furrowed brows she went on louder than before.

“Saeran, what happened?”

“Don’t get mad, okay?” he pleaded, his eyes searching hers. While she still stared at him without a sound, be bit his lip, unsure whether he should tell her or not. In the end he gave up. Resisting her pout was hard on his own. The bath towel added just enough to convince him.

“He sent me a message through the messenger. He asked if you had recovered. Three words, nothing else. I just got so angry, I couldn’t..” During his speech his words had flown out of his mouth. His voice broke when he was searching for words. Should he have answered? Would he come back if he did?

She stared at him in disbelief. Still holding his hand she stared into the air as if she was somewhere far away from the bunker. Seconds passed and he wondered whether he had made a mistake. Then she snapped back and investigated the wound again before she let go of him. There were red marks on his wrist where she had touched him. “I’m taking you to the hospital. I can’t take care of this by myself,” she mumbled expressionless as she put on her shoes and helped him with his since she wouldn’t let him use the hurt hand.

Emotions circled in her and tried to reach the surface but with every day that had passed, she had gotten better in controlling them. Suppressing them if necessary. Whenever they threatened to overwhelm her she locked herself in the bathroom until they passed by.

Saeran had questioned her behaviour often in the first days after they had come home again. Whenever she left the room he followed immediately. The bathroom became her safe place. A heaven for her to be alone.

Somehow his presence pressured her. Saeras existence took the air out of her lungs and filled her head with memories of his twin. When she was half asleep she would confuse him with Saeyong just to realise her mistake seconds after. It ripped her wounds open again and again in a never ending circle. And she didn’t know how to escape it.

The urge to get away from him had grown with the passing days. First it was a small ache in her heart but now it was pain, blinding pain that filled her heart whenever she looked at his face. His concerned looks didn’t help at all. He looked just like Saeyong. Again she cursed the fact they were twins. After a glass of water her thirst still wasn’t stilled. A chill accompanied the feeling. She sighed, and a slight regret crept up her spine. She should have slipped into warmer clothes.

Yet her body wouldn’t move. She would wake him up. He would orbit around her again. No. NO! She didn’t want to see his face. If there was a way to enjoy the loneliness of the night any longer without the redhead she would gladly take the opportunity. Just a little bit longer before she had to face him again.

The temperature was getting more uncomfortable which made her decide to drink something warm instead to heat her up from the inside. A hot chocolate ignited her searching eyes. Perfect.

The hot beverage didn’t take long to make. She took it and sat down on the sofa in the living room, across Saeyongs working place. The photo of her, the twins and the RFA members caught her eyes. They had taken it short after she and her boyfriend had saved Saeran with Vanderwoods help. Everybody had come over to celebrate the success of the last fundraising party. These had been happier days.

She didn’t realise the tears. They would fill her eyes, coat her face, and drip to the floor. Here and there she would sip on the cacao, deep in thought about the past. Memories kept coming up, reminding her of everything that had went wrong.

The relationship had not always been happy and she knew that. Ups and downs had come but after every fight they had come out stronger than before. Their love had been strong, she was sure about it. But still a single word haunted her. Why. Why had he thrown everything away. Didn’t he believe in her anymore, in their relationship? Had he found somebody else?

Quiet whimpers escaped her mouth before she could suppress them. Immediately she held her breath, covering her mouth with her empty hand. And listened for signs. Not a single sound filled the bunker. Slowly she began to relax and put her hand away again. He was still asleep. Good.

An hour had passed and she drank her second mug filled with the hot sweet drink. The picture still haunted her. Somehow she couldn’t look away or avert her eyes. Without her consent they would wander there again and again and she was sick of it. To free her mind she shook her head and stood up in a swift motion to bring the mug back into the kitchen before she could fall asleep with it still in her hand.

A person peeled from the shadow of the hallway, following her. The second she heard the voice, she froze. He had called out to her but she wouldn’t respond. All of the bottled up pain kicked in again with full force, her knees went weak, and she dropped to the floor.

Just before MC could hit the floor he caught her. With both his hands gripping her arm and waist he pulled her upwards again. Helped her stand so she couldn’t slip away again. Her eyes filled with tears again. She had wanted to escape her memories, escape this face that was burned into her brain. But here in the dark it looked even more real that it did with the lights on. She knew it was Saeran that held her in his grip but all she could see was Saeyong’s face. And she screamed. Yelled at him to get away from her, to leave and never come back. His expressions darkened at her demands, as if all emotion left him. As if he was dying inside. She could see the pain enter and leave his eyes again and none was left in these mint colored eyes that proved he was not Saeyong at all.

“What is wrong with you,” he growled, as he grabbed both of her upper arms and shook her angrily. She screeched as an answer, trying to push him away but she couldn’t escape his unforgiving grip. Finally she glared into his eyes and screamed at him: “I can’t do this anymore, OK?! I really try to survive the fact he left me but everytime I see you I just…,” she paused, gasping for air before she continued.

“It rips me APART, Saeran! Everytime I think it would be HIM and it hurts AGAIN! I can’t look at you anymore because every single time I do, I see HIM!”, she blasted out, shivering beyond control. His mouth opened a little, disbelief plastered all over his face. His brother had left many days ago and still he haunted both of them. How could she ever compare him with that person?

“I know you’re not him, but you feel like him! You sound so similar, you even look exactly like him. And I’m so sick of seeing your, seeing HIS face EVERY SINGLE DAY, Saeran!” Her accusations hit a spot deep in his heart, destroying walls that had been kept up for too long. He hissed through his teeth, eyes closed to mere slits. Anger welled up inside him, flooded his mind, and took every bit of restraint with it.

Immediately he pushed her against the kitchen wall, pressing both her wrists above her head with one hand, the other under her chin. In a abrupt and brutal motion he pulled her head upwards, forcing her to look into his face that hovered mere centimeters in front of hers.

Surprised by the anger and violent action she grasped for air, staring at him in disbelief.

“MC,” he hissed again, so close she could feel his breath on her skin. The feeling gave her goosebumps and weakened her knees again. If he hadn’t held her ass brutal as he did, she would have slid down the wall towards the ground.

“Never EVER compare us again. I think you need to be TAUGHT he and I are not the same,” he threatened, his voice deeper filled with hazard.

In this moment he forced his lips on her, pressing her against the wall with his body. And MC realised he definitely wasn’t Saeyong.

_____________________________________________________________

At the thirty-first night she broke. Sobbing beyond control she fought her way through the night while Saeran hold her in his arms. He couldn’t find words to comfort her or himself and he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. His brother had left both of them and he didn’t care at all. He wouldn’t came back.

He let go of the walls he had carefully pulled up and the straight face he had kept to help MC crumbled under the endless tears. It was liberating to some degree. All the emotions he had bottled up until now slipped out, burying him underneath them. When the morning came they both fell asleep at the end of their strength.