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Whenever I see fanart of the pitt characters and they are lounging at their homes on their beds and they are in their scrubs, it hurts me. Cause those are outside closes they can't touch the inside stuff. Those are very dirty outside clothes. They are work clothes. They can't go on places like beds. That is not right
Also have this issue with fics but I just pretend they change in the fics.
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hey so i think i might have moral ocd. this sounds stupid but like if i don't am i just sterotyping and making it worse for people who actually have ocd. but also writing this feels performative like i'm pretending and actually aren't experiencing it.
i asked someone close to me who has ocd and they said it is just social media and probably because i'm autistic so autistic people are more likely to have traits but actual ocd is different and less common. so am i just like pretending and then therefore being ableist towards people with ocd?
idk. i'm probably going to spend days thinking about this i feel stuck.
i do this thing where. i let all my tumblr notifications pile up and then click every post to view them all at once. and they stack on top of each other and i just have to press back to go to the previous page. (mobile btw). but sometimes. my stupid dumbass fucking phone will freeze the tumblr app. and i have to close out and reopen it. and then i lose all the posts i was gonna look at. and now i don’t know what account updates i missed.
I was able to take a shower today successfully despite my latest panic attack from intrusive thoughts the other night.
I have a hard time with showers and I think a lot of it has to do with maybe an pool incident that occured when I was little. It could also be from the extensive fear of water. I've always had trouble with showers due to the water. It also could be from when I had my first panic attack when my mother put me in the bathtub to run water over me to calm me down because I wasn't aware of what was going on at the time which was a panic attack and the shower made it worse.
Ever since, showers are difficult for me and it is always something to celebrate when I have one with no panic attacks or when I don't let the intrusive thoughts control me.
i fear i may need to actually talk to a therapist about ocd cause i just put 6 ice cubes in my drink (instead of 4, the correct number, the cup was bigger though 6 made logical sense) and tweeked out about it for like 5 minutes before coming back to throw the last 2 ice cubes in the sink
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really bad compulsion that if I don’t continuously scratch the same spot on my knee the car will swerve off the road and everyone will die except for me and then I’ll have to live knowing I killed everybody
I wish I had a friend for the sole purpose of them wanting someone to pop their pimples and me wanting to pop pimples
SORRY, NEIGHBORS
So recently I was unpacking my car and I came back and my trunk was open. I hadn't been in or out of my trunk that day. Nothing had been taken and the car itself was locked, so I determined I'd likely accidentally thumbed the "pop trunk" button on my key fob while in range of the car. No harm, no foul, it's all good.
EXCEPT THAT IT'S NOT.
Last night I woke up in a cold sweat wondering if A) my car was locked, and B) if I'd accidentally opened the trunk somehow from my apartment—and while Part A is normal for me, occurring almost nightly, Part B is new. New, and also a possibility because I can, in fact, lock my car without leaving my apartment using the key fob. I can hear the car beep when I lock it and I take advantage of this all the time, locking my car before I go to bed and throughout the evening leading up to said bedtime to soothe my anxieties; sorry, neighbors.
If I can unlock and lock the car from my apartment, it stands to reason I could pop my trunk from that distance, too. AND THIS TERRIFIES ME.
And so: I fumbled downstairs in the dark, pressed my ear to the front door, and used the fob to lock my car. Same old, same old. I've done this a million times in the dead of night in the past (sorry, neighbors, but I can't sleep if I don't comfort myself in this manner), but last night that beep didn't comfort me at all because I was CONVINCED I'd somehow popped the trunk.
Lucky for me I'd parked within sight of my apartment porch and not in the carport underneath my building. Checking on my trunk in that spot would involved going outside and downstairs in the dead of night in a bathrobe. I tried to look through the peephole at my car, but the image was too fuzzy for me to see properly. I poked my head out the door, verified the trunk, and then went back to bed...after relocking my car one last time (sorry, neighbors). SORRY, NEIGHBORS.
I used to be paranoid about two things: whether or not my car was locked, and whether or not my neighbors get annoyed at my car honking to tell me it is, in fact, locked.
I am now paranoid about four things: whether or not my car is locked, the temperament of my neighbors, whether or not I’ve accidentally popped my trunk, and whether or not this new paranoia is going to stick around and keep me up at night the same way the first two paranoias have.
