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Following other Jews on tumblr is great bc it feels really good to have community with people with shared experiences and understanding especially in a time where antisemitism is everywhere you go!!! BUT on the other hand it’s just like a LIIIIITLE disheartening to remember how we’re all out here struggling while being pushed beyond our limits by the world crumbling in on us all Like is it okay if the gentiles stop doing this to us please,
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so tired of trying to make friends with other trans girls. like. either you've got the "yeah i knew i was trans since the end of elementary school and i had fucktons of queer friends and have been living as my preferred gender ever since" to whom you feel a sense of irrational jealousy you can't overcome, or you've got the condemned souls who entered the 4tran /tttt/ hellscape and knowingly or not now spout bigoted dogwhistles around you (which is really fun dealing with as a trans jew, by the way) and have had their spirits drained from them, or you've got someone who's actually on hrt whose existence alone can make you feel crushed with dysphoria (and that's when they don't mention being on hrt), or you've got someone who is jealous of you in a way they can't get over but they're jealous of you for something that's actually valid making you feel like a priveleged pos, or you've got (continues for 5 more pages)
it's great how literally none of it (well except for the distaste for 4tran i guess) is like any sort of distaste for the person themselves and instead it's just that the insecurities prevent you from being able to connect with a lot of people
looking at the pretty tumblrs when suddenly a post about hrt or hrt progress shows up and my little bubble of happiness is popped from within as i'm forced to confront and return to reality for the millionth time that day. i'm genuinely considering just blocking the hrt tag somehow (there's gotta be a way to do that on here, right) because it's such a consistent bummer every time i see it like GRRRRRRR STOP BEING HAPPY UNTIL I CAN BE HAPPY RAAAAAAA blah blah blah
i've lost a year of progress towards estradiol to so many family crises and so many deaths because there is literally never a point where my mom is in a stable enough mental place to be helping me with this and there hasn't been something else that needed to be taken care of and it's not faaaaairrrruh. tch. stupid trauma...
I’m better now. I just unleashed a torrential firestorm of pure contemptuous scorn and indignation the likes of which may only be attributed to the merciless and everlasting Wrath of The Pissed Off Jews Who Just Want a Fucking Break Like G-d Damn at an unsuspecting privileged upper class white boy spewing boring, generic, mundane antisemitic rhetoric, deaf to the sound and meaning of his own common words. (and it worked :3)
Highly recommend
update: no longer killing myself
(the ideation is just really bad when i get out of bed)
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the funny thing about self-confidence is that you go can go from feeling like the most ugly and repulsive creature ever whose mental illnesses prevent them from taking proper care of themselves on their own and who has a rank smell that doesn't seem to go away even after showering for and hour and a half to feeling like the single most attractive person you see the whole day whose radiant beauty could enrapture anyone in a 12 mile radius and whose cute big eyes could entirely disarm anyone who made the fatal mistake of gazing into them ...all in 12 hours, thanks to wearing a cute skirt, a sweater, and a bra to school
highkey kinda hate whatever the fuck is wrong with me. like i resort to looking shit up online about dpdr and stuff because my psychiatrist can't help me and i see a bunch of stuff that gives me impostor syndrome because it all sounds so fucking big and i'm left thinking "okay so nothing is wrong but at the same time something is very very clearly wrong and i never feel like i'm looking at my life and i don't know what to do". for what reason must eveyrthing be so nebulous chat
ghmhgnhpgmhpgpmh the asexuality is morphing into uncontrollable lesbianism again ghghmghmghnmphghgmhg
i wish this could happen with my aromanticism but nooo
