Dec 17, 2019
Good work requires deep focus.
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Good work requires deep focus.
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Working for an insecure manager can be incredibly demotivating. What should you do if you think your manager doesn’t trust you? In this advice column, workplace expert Amy Gallo answers a question from a reader who’s in the thick of this situation. They feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells to ensure they don’t set their boss off — and they’re not sure what to do next. Amy offers three research-backed approaches to try. The first one is about signaling that you’re not a rival; the second is about building trust; and the third involves talking to your boss directly about the situation.
Hello Diana
What do you do when your manager treats you like a rival instead of a partner?
In my Getting Along column for HBR, I heard from a senior leader who was hired for her expertise… only to find that her boss seems to believe she’s “undermining her authority.”
Now the senior leader is walking on eggshells.
It’s an uncomfortable, destabilizing place to be, especially when you’re simply trying to do your job well.
Working for a manager who questions your work, hoards relationships, or subtly undermines you can feel deeply personal, not to mention intensely aggravating. And while the burden for change should fall on the manager, you don’t always have the luxury of waiting for that to happen.
In Getting Along: My Boss Doesn’t Trust Me, I go deeper into the psychology behind this dynamic and share specific language and tools you can use to shift it. Here are three approaches I suggest:
Look for small ways to signal that you’re not a threat.
One of the confusing things about an insecure boss is this: they have more power — so why exactly do they feel threatened?
It could be because they feel less competent than they appear. Research shows that when powerful people feel incompetent, they can become defensive or even aggressive. It’s a form of “ego defensiveness”: protecting their self-esteem in the face of expectations they worry they’re falling short of.
Calming your boss’s ego may be the last thing you want to do. But signaling that you’re an ally can reduce stress and friction. That might mean expressing genuine appreciation for something they’ve done or thanking them for an opportunity. (No need for sycophancy! The emphasis here is on genuine. Empty flattery backfires.)
One thing to definitely NOT do is retaliate. If your boss senses disdain or competition, their defensiveness will likely increase.
Build trust by emphasizing how you’re both aligned.
Leadership research points to three drivers of trust: positive relationships, competence, and consistency.
Many of us focus on demonstrating competence, but if your boss is acting like they don’t trust you, I’d recommend focusing on improving your relationship.
Start by asking about their priorities. What are they most focused on right now? What does success look like for them? Then look for opportunities for joint wins: projects you can team up on, moments to share credit, chances to use “we” instead of “I.”
Framing your work as a shared effort can ease tension and reinforce that you’re working toward the same goals.
Return to the one-on-one conversation.
The senior leader who wrote to me had tried private conversations with her boss – and they have worked (though only in the short term)! That’s encouraging, and at the same time: behavioral change is hard.
Whether you’ve had 1:1 talks about this dynamic or not yet, make sure to take a collaborative stance. You might say: “It’s important to me that we work well together. I want to own my part in that. Is there something I can do differently?” Listening carefully (even if you don’t agree with all the feedback!) increases the chances your boss will do the same.
For instances where your boss cuts you off, consider using the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) framework to describe what happened and how it affected you, without escalating blame. I go into detail on SBI in the article, as well as in this 5-minute podcast episode.
And do document both your boss’s problematic behavior and your own successes. It’s always wise to proactively protect your career.
The high cost of overwork.
It can feel very demoralizing when you’re talking with someone and you get the sense they’re not listening to you. Here are a four steps to get back in sync with your counterpart: 1) Take a step back from the immediate situation so you can look at it as an objective observer, identify patterns, and strategically ask yourself what’s going on. 2) Assume positive intent. Think about what you know about this person—what pressures they’re facing, what’s on their mind. 3) A sk an open-ended question, such as: “How have you handled this before?” or “What do you think?” 4) Change the rhythm. Shifting your physical position can reset engagement, particularly in long meetings or casual one-on-one discussions.
Working with someone you hate can be distracting and draining. Pompous jerk, annoying nudge, or incessant complainer, an insufferable colleague can negatively affect your attitude and performance. Instead of focusing on the work you have to do together, you may end up wasting time and energy trying to keep your emotions in check and attempting […]
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Stop letting the present get in your way.
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