#malcolm thawne

Thad spent half an hour studying while I made grilled cheese sandwiches. “You like your school?” I asked in an attempt to break the silence. 

“It’s school,” Thad answered. I nodded. 

“You lived in Alabama… How’s the fishing out there?” I questioned. 

“I’ve never been fishing,” Thad answered. 

“Would you like to? I know it’s a little late for it now, but we should go this summer,” I suggested. 

“If you keep me that long,” Thad replied. 

“Why wouldn’t I? I like having you around,” I answered. Thad set his notebook aside and looked at me. “

“What do you like about me being here?” Thad questioned like a detective.

I turned the fire off and turned around. It was the perfect opportunity to say something that I always wanted to hear. I was so excited to say it that I could feel myself smiling. “I like your presence. I think there’s something nice about having a person that for whatever reason feels irreplaceable around. I don’t even care if you hate me… I love you because you’re here. It just feels right that you’re here,” I answered. I think it hit him because he stood there for a minute before he got up and left the room. I didn’t chase after him, and he didn’t shut his bedroom door. He sat with his back turned to the door, and I went back to making lunch.

I knew it wasn’t what he expected to hear, but I wanted to give him something to process later. I just wanted him to know I loved him. No matter what he felt about me, I felt such an extreme paternal pull to him as if I went out and fathered him myself. As far as I was concerned, I was his father. “Come eat,” I called. Thad hesitated. I watched him hesitate to move, but he came anyway.

Thad sat on the couch, and I set his grilled cheese in front of him. “Want some chocolate milk?” I asked. Thad nodded. “Is that civics class interesting to you?”

“Yeah,” Thad answered. “You’ve been reading, too?”

“I try to keep up. I like that first part about Murti-Bing pills. What did you think?” I asked.

“It’s been enlightening,” Thad replied as he took a bite of his sandwich. “Can I help you wash dishes?”

“Sure. Not a lot of dishes, but I don’t mind the help,” I replied.

**

A little bit after we turned in for the night, I woke up to a noise I was pretty familiar with. Before I could really get my bearings, Thad climbed over the back of the couch and fell into my lap. I hooked my arm around him to keep him from hitting the floor hard. “What is that?” Thad asked. I didn’t expect him to be in tears, but he was obviously rattled. I sat up, still kind of holding him on my lap, and I looked at the TV. “It’s okay. We’re gonna leave the TV on and go sit in the closet for a minute,” I replied with a soft and even tone. I knew how scary it was when I was a kid, and I couldn’t help but think about how terrified Thad was. I practically carried him to the closet, and I shielded him with my body until the warning was over. I could hear him crying in my arms, and I didn’t want to make anything worse, so I kept telling him it’d be alright.

“No,” Thad mumbled as he trembled.

“I know how scary it is, but I am not going anywhere,” I replied. We sat like that for twenty minutes until the tornado warning stopped playing on the TV, and I opened the closet door and let go of Thad. He stood up, and I started to speak before he pressed his face into my pajama shirt and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him and smoothed his hair back into place. “I told you it’d be okay, Thad.”

“I hated that,” Thad whispered.

“Yeah. I hate that, too… But we’ll talk about the tornado safety stuff in the morning. You okay?” I questioned. Thad hadn’t let go of me yet, so I just kept holding onto him until he felt like he was alright. “Wanna eat with me since we’re up?” Thad nodded.

I made a box of cheesy rice and heated up some pizza rolls in the microwave while Thad followed me around the kitchen. We sat down for a little while and ate before Thad said anything else. “I’m sorry,” Thad whispered.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I answered. “When I was a kid, I apologized a lot, too… Because I was abused. Every shout, punch, slap, and kick felt like it was my fault. It wasn’t my fault. You don’t have to keep apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m never going to hit you ever. I know you may not understand or believe this, but I love you very much. Your only job here is to enjoy being a kid. That’s all I want for you.”

Thad didn’t look up from his plate, but I saw a tear or two. I didn’t point it out because I didn’t want to embarrass him. After we finished eating, I walked him back to his room and waited for him to settle in before I turned to go back to the couch. “Goodnight,” Thad whispered.

“Goodnight, Thad,” I smiled. “Sleep tight.”

**

I dropped Thad off for school before I went to work, and I could tell things were better between us. He waved when he got out of the car, and I could almost catch a hint of his smile before he turned toward his school gates. I took that thought with me all the way to work. I thought about it until I took my lunch break. A few of my coworkers were talking about plans for the weekend, and one of them turned to me. “What about you, Malcolm? You wanna watch the game with us?” she questioned.

“Can’t. I’ve got to get my kid put on my health insurance,” I answered.

Everyone stopped talking and stared at me like I was from outer space. “You have a kid? When did you have a kid?” one of the guys asked.

“I just found out I had him a few weeks ago. His mom dropped him off, and he hasn’t seen or heard from her since. I don’t mind, though. He’s a good kid. Not like it’s his fault we’re his parents,” I replied before finishing my sandwich.

“How old is he?” the first woman asked.

“He’s fourteen. Smart kid, too,” I replied.

And that’s when everyone started giving me unsolicited advice on how to raise a teenager. None of it applied to Thad. He wasn’t like other teenagers. I was lucky for that one thing.

**

I picked Thad up from school, and he was a little bit late coming out. I would’ve been worried, but I saw him by the gate talking to a group of kids about something. After a few minutes, they dispersed and Thad walked to the car with two other kids, a boy and a girl. “Dad, this is my group in health class. Is it okay if they come over to work on the project for a little while? Her mom’s gonna pick them up at six if that’s okay. This is Kelsea and Luke,” Thad requested.

“Sure. I’ll make dinner while you kids work. Hop in,” I replied.

“Thad looks just like you,” Kelsea whispered as she slid into the backseat.