#malamai

My girl turned 12 on the 3rd of November. 💛

I'll give my body credit where it's due. It works fast. I've done a pregnancy test and a ovulation test every day since my miscarriage and this is the best result I have had. I'm guessing I am either ovulating or about to and all the HCG is out of my system.

I saw this quote yesterday and to be honest that's literally how it feels to lose a baby and to be emotionally and physically healing.

I lost my baby at 12 weeks, the irony, day one of the 'safe zone' and the thing I have noticed is you are handed a hoard of leaflets on grief, not a single leaflet on your body and you're expected to crack on, complications or no complications and I just keep thinking to myself, always thinking about the audacity. How dare you hand me a bunch of leaflets on grief, like I don't know what I have lost, like my heart won't ache for the child I will never get to hold, like grief councillors could possibly take this pain away. How fucking dare you and how dare you not hand me anything anatomy based that would warn me for the storm I am about to ride, the hormone crashes, the fact I should monitor my hormones, the pain, the recovery, the continued bleeding and not even the do's and don'ts.

The audacity of work places to not accommodate women who go through this. You can call and siv through the words on the company policy but to sum it up all it means is "I know you've lost your baby but it was 12 weeks so it doesn't count. See you next shift." Even if you are like me, hemmoraged on the work premises, almost died from blood loss, had a hospital stay, everyone knows but nobody checks in with you because nobody knows what to say.

Then you have family and friends, some of which you end up absolutely heartbroken all over again silently because some of the people you would have walked on hot coals for, done anything for don't call, don't visit and you're treated as if grief and difficulty is a highly contagious disease that they don't care to catch. A miscarriage is the only thing you will go through in your life where you need people the most and they disappear. I needed love and support not the sound of a pin drop.

After the news get out you are bombarded with people who always seem to start their sentences with "at least" and I think I speak for every woman here, I could be wrong but I have a strong feeling that I am not, that if you are about to approach a woman who has lost a baby and your sentence starts with those two words, turn around, walk away and shut the fuck up. There's no "at least" in this situation. "At least you can try again." My personal favourite of these that ignites a fire within me, like babies replace babies, like if you replaced me with John down the street and tucked him into bed with my partner he wouldn't notice.

I feel like my body is just all over the place right now, I've got the hormone headache from hell right now, I've gone through a whole hormone crash, acted like an absolute fruit loop. I am over thr worst, I think, but I don't know. I've been monitoring myself with ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests. I now have a negative pregnancy test and a none dark, pastel pink coloured ovulation reading so what is going on? I'm lost.

Lalaria beach in skiathos. 🧡