Misty

I have a reassurance scan on Wednesday and I was meant to be taken there by her and left there to find my own way home and she's done this really nice thing where she has arranged her friend to take me and drop me off home after and I'm like "great... I am inevitably going to break down before and after now infront of her friend." So I don't even know what to say because I was kind of happier with nobody being there and being alone for that.

I feel like I can post this here. I don't think anyone on here knows me personally but this has been the weirdest experience. Finding out at just under 4 weeks that I am pregnant for the fourth time after my third pregnancy ended in a 12 week miscarriage and almost ended me due to blood loss.

I don't know where to put myself. I am happy and then I'm like "if this baby makes it" then I have internal arguments with myself and say "that's a really negative way to think" so then I let myself be happy and look at baby things but I don't dare buy anything and basically with any situation there's lots of mental back and forth going on with myself.

I have been offered an early reassurance scan to ease some of this but I don't know if it would help. I am happy this baby exists and it is so wanted but I feel like I learned the hard way that you're never safe, at 12 weeks there was a 1% chance of what happened happening and it happened so I feel like a scan at 6/7 weeks won't quite suffice.

There are positive signs I am trying to keep in mind. I don't have the pain I did last time, I found out early due to symptoms which suggests good levels of hcg early, I'm eating everything, my boobs hurt like a bitch, I am being an absolute savage bitch 99.9% of the time and I am exhausted.

It's also been kind of crappy so far because when I got my positive test I was so happy and then people in my life reminded me that this could end the same way and since that it's kind of been an absolute constant thought when I was just excited, I didn't need to be reminded of the worst experience of my life and the grief of my child dying, I carry that every day. I would of rather just had the "congratulations".

Last night I ran into a door handle for the most ridiculous reason and now it is bruised into me.

So Aura came and got me and she's saying "mam. Oh my god. There is a giant moth outside my door! It's the biggest moth I've ever seen!" This is a mutual thing we both dislike. We don't like things flying around and flapping around near us. She's fine with butterflies but not moths, I can't stand either but will never kill another living thing so I just suffer and try to figure out how to get them to vacate the property.

This was the outfit I used to 'tone it down' and not embaress my 14 year old son while I dropped him off at the airport to go to Barcelona. I covered up but just looked totally goth. 🤣