#lovefirst

Do you judge people? I know I do. I don't stand on a street corner with a sign telling people they are going to hell, but I judge on the inside.

I meet people on the street, and I know a jerk when I see one... I am so unbelievably quick to make up my mind about others, and when they don't fit the mold for how I think the world should be, I can write them off as easy as I remove ads on Youtube. There may be specific traits that trigger my judgement, but here's a thought: What if this person is actually going through hell, and this is just a symptom of that?

When I was a teenager, I was quite sure of what was allowed and what was not. I spoke "Christianese" very well. At that time there was a friend of our family that I was horrified to find out that she smoked. Can she be a christian and smoke? Doesn't that ruin the whole thing? Later I found out more about this woman, and I discovered that not very long before, she had been going through hell big time, sitting with the time table for the trains to figure out which one she would jump in front of. Luckily she never did jump, because she was exposed to the unconditional love of Jesus, and her life was changed. After going through all that, the fact that she smoked wasn't a big deal. (And later on, she quit anyway.)

As a christian, and as a human being, I'm devastated to see how many people who call themselves christians spend a lot of time and energy basically telling people that they suck. Some louder than others. (And not just Westboro Baptist Church...) There are people who spend many years telling people they're heading for hell, without offering any signs of the love that Jesus showed the people he met, and more importantly, told us to pass on. How is this helping anyone? Have you heard of anyone who saw a condemning sign and felt inspired to know more from the person holding it?

Now, some christians claim that telling people they are full of sin is a way of loving them, in the same way that you, motivated by love, would let your children know if they were holding the knife at the wrong end. I do see the point, but I reject it. Sorry - the intention might be good, but I just don't see how that's gonna help anyone to feel loved.

Sure, things people do can be destructive, (things I do too), but they're still loved, and you are getting in the way of them experiencing that. To me, that's like going to an emergency room and telling people they are bleeding, instead of offering comfort and maybe a band aid.

I say love first, and the rest will probably sort itself out. And don't rush to label people as a-holes, let them prove it first...

2017 has already been a year of learning and growing.. the universe still shaking it’s fists at me for never learning how to let go. I’ve spent 24 years with my fingernails embedded into things that weren’t meant for me, and have scars to prove that I held on for far too long to every little thing. This piece of writing is for me...it is my clarity and my compass  and no one can take that away for me. The life I live, is also one I live for myself, and I spent so much time being devalued...unvalidated...unappreciated.. and I’m learning that I should never let things get that far again. Never again will I let something toxify my mind and my body...my soul. I’m a good person.  I have a good heart and good morals and by no means do I ever want to do harm.  I pride myself in that everyday...the ability I have to not have hate in my heart even though I have every right to hate whats being dealt to me.  I see no sense in a hateful, heavy heart.  I see no sense in putting down others that just wanted love in the same way every one else does. I see no sense in hurting someone that you once wanted to shield from any and every harm. And I am a good fucking person for being that way... A good person for having a forgiving heart... A good person for not carrying around a burden of hate and regret. I lead the path I set out for myself.. I care and I show I care through my actions as well as through the actions I chose not to react to emotionally and angrily. We all get angry, we all say things we don’t mean, and you know what...I am by NO means God damn perfect. I am flawed. I can be selfish at times...impatient at times...stubborn at times. But you know what, all those “flaws” have driven me to be who I am today. 

My selfishness allows me to trust in myself and value myself and validate myself. My impatience allows me to go out and get things right away, not put it off until the right time....allows me to do things now and get them done. My stubbornness allows me to never settle for less than what I deserve and to always set out for the best....to never give in when things aren’t what they should be or could be. So yes, I am flawed...who isn’t? We are all so quick to cast the first stone onto someone else, to lay our burden and blame onto the souls who don’t deserve the pain. But I wouldn’t want to be perfect even if I was given the choice, because the right lover will see these imperfections and accept them.. the right lover will fight with me beside them, not against me and them. We all have demons and I think a big majority of us want to be better. My only wish in life is for everyone to want to do good the way I want to do good. I will admit fault where it is due, I will look closely at the mirror and be the first to say I have made mistake in many aspects of my life. But when it comes to ME....when it come to MY character...when it comes to the good that IIIIII bestow onto the world...I will never feel regret, or hate, or sadness. I really feel sorry for the souls who don’t know how to forgive and forget.... for those who let hate fill their bodies to the core... what kinda of good does that do for anyone?

I am healing and through healing I am looking for wisdom and constantly searching for the lesson. I’ve learned a lot....I’ve hurt a lot...and you know what...never would I trade the hurt I’ve had for less wisdom. I’m a good person and I lost myself for a long time... that’s the risk you take when settling and hanging on to things that aren’t meant for you and you’re a good person... Little by little you lose yourself in those things. And everyday, I am reminded to learn to let go. Everyday I learn to choose myself first. Everyday, I learn that the only opinion that matters, should be mine. And I’m a good person, with a good heart, and a good soul and a good mind. I will not hate, I will not give in to pettiness and personal attacks... because I know that my character is good. And I know that my characters strong. And at the end of the day, I have myself to love and that is more than enough for me right now.  I”m aiming towards great things, looking at new beginnings, and peacefully letting go of a past that was never meant for me. I pray that one day, all the lost souls who hurt and are angry and bitter, can let go of all the hate in their hearts and give into forgiveness.. No one has to carry around the burden of pain and heartache and hate... it’s a choice to let it go. And letting go is difficult for me, but I’ve never hung on to hate.  And I write this for myself, as clarity and as my compass.