#loveandlost

Conversations with ChatGPT about a heartache. A person that never compromised to be a partner but acted like one. After seven months together and three apart I still struggle. I can’t blame it all on all them, because this love is the one i thought I deserved.

By: Blake Barnes

            I used to hate waiting for the school bus. Whether rain, sleet, or snow you could always find us less fortunate kids out there standing awkwardly, waiting for the big yellow Twinkie to arrive while other teenagers got to drive to school in their nice new cars paid for by mommy or daddy. My bus stop was no different from any other. Intersection of Second and Hawthorne, just across the railroad tracks and a five-minute walk from my house. Though I loathed taking the bus to school, it wasn’t all bad. It’s where a new journey in my life started.

The long conquest to find love began in a small town, roughly twenty minutes from St. Louis. I call it a small town but that is being very generous as I think the correct term would be a village. The first time she walked towards me I was standing at the bus stop staring into the distance, trying to remember if I had finished my Geometry homework or not. Back then I was a lot more shy and a lot less knowledgeable about the world. Carly was taller than me by about four inches and she was well matured for her age in the body department. Her whole attention was into her phone as she was thumbing her way through what songs she wanted to hear.

“What are you listening to?” I asked her.

There is no response. I poked her arm.

“What?” she said.

“What are you listening to?”

“Fall Out Boy.”

“Oh… okay. Are they your favorite?”

Her headphones were already back in her ears.

~~~~

I peered through the curtains of my upstairs bedroom and out onto the street. Nothing. I began to pace around my bedroom and tidy up. That sock goes there, wipe that bit of dust up, when did I last eat a McRib? I scurried back to the window and looked again. Carly was walking on the sidewalk with her headphones on as usual. She had a cute purple t-shirt on with a pair of men’s boxer shorts. Her long brown hair was straightened and I could tell from the window that she had a good amount of makeup on. My hand went to my pocket and I made sure I felt the rubber ring. I rushed downstairs and had the door open before she knocked.

“Hey babe,” I said smiling.                  

“Hi. You sure your parents aren’t going to be home anytime soon?” she asked.

“Nope. Mom’s at work until four and my step-dad took my brother and sister to a birthday party. We have plenty of time,” I assured her.

Next thing I knew and we were in each other’s embrace, exploring parts that we hadn’t before. The excitement and nervousness I felt has only been comparable to being on the stage and acting in front of a sold-out show.  

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked in between soft kisses on her face.

She looked into my eyes and I took note of how green and beautiful hers were. “Yes.”

The motions were familiar. Something programmed into our DNA I suppose from ancestors long since passed. Thump. Thump. Thump. I lost focus on the task at hand and looked up to Carly’s face to see what the nose is. I hadn’t considered how tall she was, so with how she was laying with each thrust her head was hitting the wall. I busted out in laughter.

“It’s okay. Really, don’t stop,” she pleaded to me.

           “I didn’t know your height was going to be such a problem,” I admitted to her through a half-hearted laugh; unbeknownst to either of us what our future would hold.

 I opened the door to my 1994 green Chevy Camaro and let Kristen in the passenger side. She was wearing a t-shirt with the logo of The Flash on the front and jeans with more holes in them than Swiss cheese. Her hair was long, brown and straight. Kristen looked at me and smiles. Her blue eyes match mine but her pupils are larger than normal, she must have been smoking before I picked her up.

           “I don’t usually have any guys open the car door for me. This is a nice change.”

           “I’m not like most guys. You want the T-tops off or keep them on? It feels great today.” Even if you are like most guys, I found the best way to entice a girl was to let them know you were not.

           “Take them off. I love the feeling of the wind going through my hair and I don’t mind if it gets messed up. I don’t have anyone to impress.”

           Kristen loved car rides. As soon as she got in the car she was in command of the stereo and played anything from new hip hop to classics from Johnny Cash. Her taste in music was as unpredictable as her behavior and this excited me. Kristen was so carefree in the isolated bubble of the car and sung and lived life as if no one was watching. I caught myself constantly smiling at just how happy a dose of music and fresh air could make someone.

           After a quick introduction to my parents, we were up in my room lounging around with her on the bed and me next to it on my futon. I walked over to my bookshelf which is littered with more DVD’s than books and pulled out my all-time favorite A Nightmare on Elm Street. I settled into the futon and got lost in the film.

           “Why are you so far away from me? Wouldn’t you be more comfortable on the bed with me?” she asks with a slight smile on her face.

           “You want me to come lay with you?”

           She nodded. I climbed up on the bed and over Kristen’s body and snuggled up close to her resting my head on my arm so I could see the television over her head. Her hair smelled nice and freshly washed. I was a little nervous because this was the first time that we ever hung out and yet we were getting so close so fast. She grabbed my hand as if hearing my thoughts and her fingers lightly stroked mine as she also lost herself in the movie. All I could remember thinking was that I could get used to this. I found myself looking at her. Sensing my gaze, she looked at me. I pushed my face close to hers and I kissed her. I knew this passion I felt from this first kiss would mean trouble for me, but I relished in it all the same.

 I was standing on the side of an overpass and looking down because it didn’t feel like there was any more ways for me to look up. Tears were streaking down my face and I wanted to do it. My phone rang and I saw it was Kristen, so I answered it.

           “Just tell me that you didn’t do it. You didn’t cheat on me with him,” I cry into my phone.

           She lets out a snort. “I don’t know… Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,” she responds slurring her words.

           “Are you drunk or high? Which is it? Why would you do this to me? With him of all people. That’s why I asked you not to go around him, Kristen,” I plead.

           “I’m a little high and a lot drunk. And you can’t tell me who I can and can’t be around. So, I was just trying to teach you a lesson.”

           “Message fucking received,” I scream into the phone before smashing it into the ground.

           I was trembling and the tears wouldn’t go away. My heart was broken. Feelings of sorrow and guilt crawled up my spine and choked me. What could I have done differently? Maybe I did deserve for her to teach me a lesson. Did I even want to live without her? How could I live without her when she’s the first girl I ever loved? I climbed down and laid on the glass and gravel covered ground both mentally exhausted and emotionally defeated.

           “What should I do?” I said to myself.

Love is a fragile, fickle thing. Like a newborn baby, it needs constant attention and care to ensure that it grows into what it needs to be. Our hearts take a beating every day. This is both in a literal sense and in the fact that love can be beneficial and yet love can destroy us. How many times can the human heart have loved and lost before it can’t love anymore?  

 Kateln looked absolutely stunning in her red dress. It’s laced with black floral designs. Her makeup and hair looked like they took a while. I’m dressed to match in my black tuxedo with matching red vest and tie. It took me like ten minutes to get ready. We took photos by a tree coated with moss and other greenery attached to it at a boat launch. The air coated the inside of our nostrils with a very fishy smell. Casual fishermen were launching their boats or coming back in with their catches. Many took note of us and I hoped they saw the catch I had too. Her parents were taking the photos because my father wasn’t around. Though my mother kicked me out for my attitude in Illinois, it wasn’t a problem for my father in Louisiana as he was never home. He worked offshore on oil rigs.

           “You’re going to drive carefully aren’t ya?” her mother questioned me.

           “Oh, yes ma’am. I’m a very good driver.” I didn’t mention totaling my dad’s Ford King Ranch a few weeks earlier, but that was all water under the bridge and Kateln’s mother didn’t need to know that anyways.

           I never really liked dances, but it was different with Kateln. I knew she wanted to be there with me and was invested in my feelings. The night became a blur as we danced and laughed and just enjoyed the company of each other. I know we left early and I know she didn’t want to go home. Kateln convinced one of her friends to say that she was spending the night at her house, but we knew she wasn’t going to.

           When we got back to my father’s house we changed out of our fancy, sweaty clothes into more comfortable attire. We stayed up until four in the morning that night. We didn’t have sex. We ate food, talked, laughed, and cuddled while watching movies until there was soft snore coming from her that signaled it was time for bed. I didn’t want that night to ever be over.

             Kateln drove over to my house every morning a couple hours before we had to be at school. Six months into our relationship and we had to start coming up with more creative ways to see each other. Her parents didn’t like me. Not for reasons that you would think. Not because I didn’t have manners or treated their daughter badly, but because I had a tattoo. You know the kind of religious people that give bad names to other believers of the same faith with just how intense their beliefs are no matter how strong or vile they may be? That’s the kind of religious people they were. I would have a cup of coffee made for her when she walked into my house every morning. Kateln liked it with lots of cream and sugar to the point where you start to question if it’s actually coffee at all. We’d have sex, shower, and then I would make her breakfast almost every day. Our connection was strong and there was nothing I wanted to do without her. It wasn’t much longer after that that I knew she was a girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

             Six months later and the cups of coffee gradually stopped being there for her when she walked in. We weren’t having sex anymore and showers together were a thing of the past. Kateln would come in and find me laying in my bed staring at the wall. She’d settle in next to me facing away from each other. One morning she came in sadder than usual.

           “Blake, we have to talk.” she said.

           “What about? I figured you would be happy that your dad only got one night in jail after attacking me. I don’t understand what his problem was.” I said.

           “I don’t think we can be together anymore.”

           “Wait…what?”

“My family doesn’t want me to be with you anymore and my family and faith are the most important things in the world to me. I’m sorry, I really am.”

           “What? I didn’t even do anything. Your father attacked me at your house when I dropped you off and the cops saw it.”

           “He was just worried and scared about what we were doing…”

           “We came over here to watch a movie,” and have sex, “I didn’t even do anything. I dropped you off and he came up behind me and attempted to choke me when I got out of the car to kiss you goodbye. It was his choice to do that in front of the cops that he called because he said you were missing.”

           “He didn’t know where I wa—"

“My father made me press charges, I didn’t even want to, Kateln.”

“It’s not about that.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been so depressed and sad lately, but it’s not because of you. I… I just wanted your family to like me and for us to be happy. I don’t want to lose you.” I say in between tears.

           “You’ve been sad and depressed because of my family. But they will always be my family. I don’t think you will ever truly be happy with me…”

           “Please, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Kateln.”

“You deserve to be happy Blake,” she responds wiping away her tears.

“I love you.”

           “I love you too, but it’s not the same anymore. Please, don’t make this harder than it already is. You know that we’ve changed over everything that has happened.”

           “What changed? Is it AJ? You told me not to worry about him. He comes into the store the other day while we’re working and now it’s not the same? What is it Kateln? Tell me how to fix this. You seem just as sad as me. You’re not trying to make yourself happy, you’re trying to make the other people in your life happy. You can’t live for them Kateln. You have to live for yourself. Fuck them. We can fix this.”

           “It’s not AJ. And there’s nothing left to fix. We shouldn’t try to force something that will never work out in the end… it’s just not worth it. Goodbye, Blake. You better get up and get ready.

           “Please…”

           “I’ll see ya at school.”

           “Kateln…”

           I didn’t go to school that day. Instead, I spent a majority of the day locked in my room crying over this girl who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I haven’t cried about another girl since. I had planned to propose to her in a few months after we graduated from high school, but my gloriously planned proposal would never see the light of day. The break up hit me so hard that I didn’t even spend the rest of the school year in Louisiana, but instead came back home to Illinois where I had the support system of my friends to keep me going. One of the hardest lessons of my life has been to learn how to get over the girl who I loved more than she loved me.

~~~~