#lost all higher cognitive functioning forever...

Mahiru: Lesbians will see a girl using a weapon expertly and lose all higher cognitive functioning for 5 min

Saturn Return, and my Soul Journey into 12th house Sun conjunct Mercury (in Aries) bound by the 12th house Shadow Secrets. Jupiter is Leo and Mars is softened by my conjunct cancer moon, both in my 3rd house. The kicker is Chiron simultaneously sitting over in my wounded goddess divine feminine Luna moon compelling me to build a home, a base and a clan of like minded souls. cancer and Chiron sit together and Chiron is akin to the wounded healer. I have a complex but alchemical natal make up and its been 6 years of accepting the square and oppositions in difficult places to come to terms to work with my natal astrology in a way I can become creatively involved in.

23/3/20 initiated the formal induction of my Saturn return as saturn transited to Aquarius for the first time since 92/93.

It’s a taste of the full saturnine swing coming up after the December 21st astrology grand conjunction. Saturn will be in Aquarius up to July. before moving briefly back before that grand Conjunction with Pluto/Jupiter later in 21/12/2020. (activity period from 14 April 2020 until mid-July 2020) Venus trine MC

Yeah on a tangent but one day I will be thankful this was forged. I am will using my moonchild manifesto to track the astrology and transits for my own wounded healer journey. I don’t have the consistency of a computer to hoard things as I did before the big brother fascism came full formed this year and cannot freely trust anything can be stored. I will be putting things online purely to keep a record of what may soon be lost, unable to be accessed.

Plus I’m burning my journals after I take the photos of them and upload them for a ritualistic purpose.

It’s part of this creative alchemy and trauma soul retrival quest I’ve found myself on. I note this as my Saturn is returning home for my FIRST Saturn return. I have been formally initiated for the infamous, enigmatic Saturn return that marks the passage from “adolescence into adulthood”. (Funnily last time I heard a university lecture on neuroscience, the latest research noted recent findings that the brain of a fully, functional prefrontal cortex in adult brains don’t become fully formed until age 28-30. This first sparked excitement and also uncertainty about the privilege cast to the “teenage myth”. As kids brains are still developing when things like getting a driving cars, choosing a life career, alcohol privilege and making other major life changes at those critical developmental stages are still as risky when a 12-16 year old does it. So now psychology and neuroscience knows that the adult higher order thinking that marks the turn of a mature and civil adult come in the late 20s. Not the teens. So until after 25 a brain cannot be fully assessing its choices due to underdeveloped prefrontal higher order thought processes This was fascinating in the social science side of things where we look into social constructs of society and how teenager was a made up archetype for a post war period. I remember being in my early 20s at the time and my life was no longer a race as it had been made to be prior.the schools of the latest brain neuroscience confirm my impulsive nature could change before age 30. I was hopeful. Maybe I wasn’t a gifted genius who was highly sensitive and afflicted with the contrasting “ADHD or Attention Deficit Primaily Inattentive” which could only be “treated” (as far as I had experienced), via heavy duty schedule 8 drugs. The kind of medication that calmed me down but other people wound beg me to have. Meaning in the past people in my life around me were constantly trying to turn into their party high by taking advantage of my disdain for psychostimulants. But my love and need for money back in that time. Fuck fake friends I say. Taking advantage or dysregulated prefrontal cortex with or without all my labels was still, after all, a risky business, when it comes to juggling psychopharmacology and a myriad of labels that resulted in other medicines given to me that may or may not be accurate. No brain scan or confirmation has been given that my brain is anything aside from ADHD. So my academic quest in childhood was confounded due to this.I learnt a lot about my childhood and growing up with a long list of multiple mental illness diagnosis, and the medical pharmacology given to me for those things; was beyond measurable.

But my neurochemistry was tweaked ineffably by both psychiatric pills pushed on me from age 9 and for things I may not even need. The end result of what my social science teacher termed “social constructs akin to mental illness medical model DSM labels”. My self pursuit of understanding my own brain was a hard thing to understand in the sense that prior to hearing about this from the side of academic and professional training, I had spend 12 years in expensive and possibly more damaging than beneficial treatment for “mental illnesses”. My life was a focal point for the goal I set to help women with the “borderline stigma” after I had fixed my own borderline.

Clinical psychologist was my end game until I found the trauma truth sweeping me into a existential soul contusion merged with trauma after trauma therapy went into flooding memory. Academic research and the psychology and counseling journals I spent my spare time fine combing. For answers. For my why and how. By the time I found any sense of this it became a painful limbo of dancing with my demons, coping destructively and limbo between the underworld and the reality I found my body and mind entwined in.

Now it’s even more synonymous to my own Saturn return journey and how the Saturn return is the mark of adulthood. This can be a speculative musing I make now on celestial astrology and how it aligns to our inner psychological makeup. (The Jupiter return is age 12, puberty ; and the other inner planets all mark significant development milestones in growing up. I’ll go into that more in later blogs).

Astrology is a map of the soul, psychology makeup, can be so deep too. How does it measure up to statistics? Sun sign horoscope is nothing versus the natal chart and how it corresponds to planetary magick and Kabbalah. I have been seperate in my magick and academic work but it was always my will to merge these at one stage I could research it. But now the sands of time are shifting, and Aquarius Saturn is calling for novel innovation I never could convey due to academic being seperate as spiritual, magickal practice is something I was careful to keep silence on when working with clients, peers and mentors, forget telling my psychologists or doctors who wound dismiss any test as “bipolar mania”. I remember once I read “the difference between the mystic and the mad man is the mystic knows who NOT TO TELL.

Now it’s my time to informally but officially start logging my journey into my own healing, soul mapping, I call it cognitive alchemy, gnostic psychology, soul psychology, metagnosis.. I’ve had many a name for the potential inspiration from my true will calling. But I can now forget about the archaic bonds from the academic world I was schooled to excel in by confirming. I am also a high iq gifted kid and having been labelled gifted but “adhd” simultaneously while having traumatic events left right and center is a mix of confusion for me. Teachers classed adhd as a learning disability, my in attention confused with inability to listen to simple tasks. This meant my mind never adapted to that school conditioning but my education was still installed due to the private school system somehow making my alters succeed without effort. Most of my spare time as a kid that wasn’t dissociative was reading books. By me processing my own literature in my spare time, I knew so much random stuff but hid it in order to seem dumb bc that was accepted. But in private in encyclopaedias and non fictional library quests I’d devour books. for my 10 maximum haul of borrowing books. This was a routine my mum and I went to do each week but my reading speed was beyond anything known, as I read and synthesised up to 10 books mostly in one day, from age 6 onwards.

I also stole books and hid my reading habits at school due to a deep shame of not being liked due to reading being for losers without friends, as girls bullied me over my gifted weird quirks. I was pretty but saw my self as ugly for trauma will deprive the mind of seeing it’s own true perception. I was never understood how my looks became a thing used against me by girls who were jealous until I learnt about this myself. I recently accepted and remembered this all after 3 years of integrated healing. I was doing this all on my own. the spiritual and metaphysical work is my primary tool that was keeping me here. Actually saving my suicide program from self destruct after the March 2017 incident I shall not talk about now. But I’m here now, alive, kicking, Saturn here to shove my shadow to consciousness without prompt and this change can bring me into a 30 year blueprint of setting things right.

Now in order to build a solid and functional framework and foundational life. I have a litany of secrets I need to get off my chest. I think to share my growth, my thoughts and my experiences for my own liberation of my deep dark secrets finally free to be released into the public domain.

I have no choice but to share this.

I do this co consciously as a part of my integrative process.

Maybe One day it might be a guide for someone who was as alone as I feel doing all of this self work without support. Maybe it will fade into the cyber void forever. Maybe I’ll use this as a tool to help clients in the future. Whatever this is means nothing but what the process of alchemy can do to forge my liberation from soul loss and traumatic dissociative trauma.

As a therapist I always wanted to avoid what I went through growing up. Now more so. I never want another lost dissociative mental health client who was also stuck between professional and academic pursuits being my “purpose” and having to sacrifice career and my study and research to sit in my shadow to see the shit.

In order to break the shit therapist mould I list journey through my own shit first. This meant I needed to be away from all therapy both as a client and practitioner and student for awhile. I’ve been off since the end of 2017 and now it’s clear it was neeed, how do I heal without healing my own shit first? Am I not the finest example of how bad therapists can get away with their bullshit and be paid for it but never really know who they are. I’m never doing that. I never was about that. So due to therapeutic negligence. I am finding my gift was the lesson. Those a shitty therapist who are a dime a dozen were the anti mentors I saw too often: but my purpose was to be a therapist. But a therapist who did things the way I never had.

So let’s say 10 year old Billy Batson was blessed by the powers of the Wizard when he is a child in the 1940s. Either on purpose or do to some cosmic accident, this locks Billy permanently as a 10 year old despite the fact that he continues to learn and grow mentally. Flash forward to the 2010s, Billy is in his 70s mentally but still looks 10 years old. He’s not very happy about it.

- The League discovers Billy is a child and they freak out a little bit. “who let this BABY be a superhero” and Billy just kind of snaps. He’s been playing to people’s expectations for decades and, y’know what? he’s damn tired of it. He unleashes all his old man grievances, yes he’s the same Captain Marvel that’s been around since the 40s and he’s been fighting monsters as a pre-pubescent longer than you assholes have been alive so lay off. What do you even say to that.

- Billy lives by himself in a modest home he owns and paid for, he does online work, invests and stocks and has a pretty decent savings because, as a child, he can’t find real work. He has a bullshit ‘foster family’ who lives with him and “takes care of him”, he hires actors when he needs people to play the part. He makes claims to be homeschooled to avoid the horrors of public education but he still has to change names every now and again to avoid suspicion and do the whole thing over again.

- He is still is a genuinely kind, caring soul worthy of Shazam but MAN does it suck being a functionally immortal child in the real world. He curses a lot more, unconsciously tends to patronize other heroes who are babies compared to him, likes veing around older immortals (Diana) bc he likes feeling young and human as stupid and backwards as it sounds.

- Has mastered the cute little kid act, is 200% willing to lie and manipulate adults into doing what he wants with his cute dimples and sparkling blue eyes. The League watches with horror as he charms the pants off of someone for info then turns around with a blank expression like a wearied businessman and moves on with his life.

- Also technically CAN die, he’s just not aging and is kind of stuck as he is forever. Still bound by mortal laws and he’s got an impressive set of scars from nearly 7 decades of running around being a hero. He’s started to lose track of where he got some of those scars but it makes the League sick every time he’s seen without his concealing clothes on.

- Curses the Wizard. A lot. Almost every time he calls upon the Wizard’s name it’s proceeded by an excessive amount of swear words for intentionally or not, putting him in this situation. (You mother fucking bitch ass Shazam!) Is the old man still alive? Can he hear Billy tear him a new asshole every time he transforms? Who knows but it DOES give the League a small heart attack every time. 

- Gives lots of life advice, he’s still a good bean, he wants to help people. He calls Superman “son” and gives him pointers on how to make use of his ‘aw shucks’ charm that’s Captain Marvel’s staple. Will help you with anything, he’s been doing Hal’s taxes for years. Is especially protective of the kid sidekicks, he’s so so much older than him but he still remembers being a scared boy with too much power and would burn the whole world to keep them safe.

- Still a tiny boy with tiny boy needs, gets sleepy early, has a tiny bladder, sometimes has trouble with cognitive dissonance and other higher level brain functions because, physically, his brain is permanently 10. Every now and again will break into the League’s liquor cabinet and go to town because he is Very Tired of Existing thank you and he needs to take the edge off. Usually only gets through half a glass before he pukes and passes out.  

- Back when he was first Shazam, it took him a little while to realize he wasn’t growing like the other kids. It was around this time he met his foster family (the other Marvels) and fell so in love with them. He realized he could share his powers with him but refused because he was so scared they would become like him, forever children. He stays with them as long as he could until he couldn’t hide the fact from the adults that he wasn’t like the other kids. Still stays in contact with them now that they’re old. When the last of them die, he’ll have lost his last connection to the person he used to be before Shazam. He sometimes regrets not taking the chance and having them all be in same boat together but he also is happy they got to experience a full, real life