Hey buttercup,

You’re totally not alone in this, I went through the samething a few years ago, it’s rough.

So let’s focus on your identity first. It’s okay to not knowwho you are. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. That’s part of life!Seriously, how boring would it be if we just understood ourselves completelyfrom the moment we left the womb. Self-discovery is a fantastic experience anda great part of life. If you’re into literature, I strongly suggest you readcatcher in the Rye and brave new world. They’re about self-discovery, anddiscovering your identity in a society, respectively.

Now about discovering yourself, start with what you do know.Religious beliefs, superstitions, morals (ex. Your views on abortion, or gunlegislation), your sexuality, your romantic orientation. Whatever it is youknow about yourself. Write it down. Then examine your behavior over the pastfew weeks. What things are inspired, or caused, by your beliefs. If you believein Jainism, that would cause you to be a gentler person. Or even just imaginehow those things would affect you. Once you find the ones that ring true, writethem in a separate list, and viola, you’ve got your basic personality traits.  Now, if it makes you comfortable, you canbegin exploring and try to find a label/identity that fits you, such asasexual, or republican. That way you have a blanket term for your beliefs, andyou can look into those, and compare your beliefs and experiences to the onesdescribed by those communities, finding what you relate to. And now that youknow what you believe, just live by it. If you don’t believe in violence, tryto help your friends when they’re fighting, stuff like that, and feel open toexplore. If you want to work on your patience, work on it. I firmly believethat while there are certain aspects of our characters we cannot change, thereare traits we can develop with lots of dedication.

Now about being critical, again, I’ve been there, I’m stillthere. I’ve found a lot of my critical-ness stems from my own insecurities.What’s helped me is to identify those insecurities, and whenever I getcritical, I check myself. I say, “Breanna, you don’t actually think that, you’rejust reflecting your insecurities about your body onto that model” andobviously work to overcome those insecurities. Remind yourself every day thatyou are beautiful, inside and out, that you are only human and you will makemistakes. Have a few mantras for different situations. Have one for when you’recriticizing yourself, have one for when you’re criticizing others, or specificthings. Use them to remind yourself that you don’t actually think that, andthat you don’t want to think that way, train your brain to think a certain way.You may also find meditation helpful, which is an extension of the mindfulnesspractice, just being aware in the moment. If that sounds like something you’denjoy, check out this website.

Love,