#longing?

09.05.2025

In the blur of a crowded room

you reached for me first,

arms pulling me in with a warmth so solid

I swore I could touch it still.

What began as casual

grew heavier, truer—our bodies holding on

longer than friends should,

longer than time should allow.

That hug was real.

I felt its weight in my chest,

the quiet press of belonging,

the way our hearts

spoke without words.

You looked up,

eyes alight with something unguarded,

and whispered, I missed you.

I smiled back, helpless,

because I had missed you too.

We leaned closer,

the air trembling between us,

the world narrowing

to the space of a breath—then I woke.

And still,

I wake with the memory of it,

a touch that lingers

like truth disguised as dream,

asking me what it means.

©️ 2025 - apilado.3d | All rights reserved

Oh heck yeah Nonie ! ! ! So here we go ;P

***

I wasn’t very good at friendships in high school—for a lot of reasons—but the concept seemed to come so easily to those church kids. the boys would practically pounce hugs on each other. I saw them more than once make Piles of Boy, full of laughter and skewed glasses. the girls would bump shoulders and hold hands and swing them as they walked together.

when we were maybe fifteen two of these girls were best friends. one wouldn’t go without the other. by way of greeting, they called each other “lover.” “Lover!” one would shout, and she would reach out across the church parking lot to the approaching other, who would grin and hurry to clasp hands. they walked in step, hand in hand.

they stopped saying “lover” when a youth group leader mentioned—not unkindly—that it implied they were sleeping together.

I don’t remember the girls’ names or faces. I don’t know where or how they are now. I don’t know whether their relationship was purely platonic, or whether it lasted beyond graduation.

and I’ve found that life is wonderfully complex now. I’ve been lucky enough to find friends who laugh with me and unflinchingly hug me and hold my hand. I’ve discovered that I’ve grown out of “girl,” and gender-wise I’m more myself than I’ve ever been. part of me wants to shake my high school self and tell her of all the beautiful moments I live now, and show her that she could’ve had them so much sooner. but I’ve trained myself out of thinking in should-haves, and I try to be grateful for how I live now.