#longasspost

(looong post under cut)

So for the longest time, I've had this black cat that would just sit on my bed and stare at me. I soon realized that if it wasn't sitting, it would lay down on the bed with you, so I let it roam around because I thought it was cute. Somehow, it got outside my house and into the cow pen I had attached to the side, so I had to fish it out using leads and probably letting out 10 cows. Since my nether portal was next to the pen and I had a chest near it, the cat wanted to sit on the chest. I didn't want this because I just wanted to bring the cat back inside. I tried to make the cat stand and accidentally pushed it into the portal.

It turns out, in fact, that a half blown up creeper had previously gone through the portal and exploded immediately once we entered. I was alright; the cat was alright; the portal was not. I then spend the next hour of my life just trying to make the tools to light the god damn portal again. I cannot count the amount of things I tried to light the portal with. I had to look up things that burn so I could get through. I had leaves on me and one broke and gave me a sapling. I used the singular bone I had on me along with the dirt to make the tree grow to give me wood to burn and light the portal. That didn't work. I even tried to fucking find a nether fortress so that I could get blaze powder and gunpowder to make a firecharge to light the portal. I even considered slamming my laptop shut and page quiting. I literally did nothing and the leaves I had lit on fire earlier had made the portal light while I wasn't looking.

“The adventure begins, they were always beside you. Your nerdy best friends and the DM to guide you”. Critical role, what more can I say?

I started playing dungeons and dragons when I was around 4\5th grade, playing with a group as an afternoon group\class. 4E, and I don't remember much besides my halfling ranger and a lot of glances and readthrough of my still existing Player's Handbook. (Well the first half of the book, the miniatures section didn’t really speak to me) Finding out my father was a DM when he was younger, and I even went to some events. I can't at all recall why I stopped, but the happiness and creativity wonder I felt still lingered in my mind. 

I had the love for fantasy, I had things like LOTR, “hey! it’s just like D&D”, and a lot of creativity and storytelling crafting.

After that, I kinda moved on I guess, felt lonely, and like geekness and role-playing was a bad and childish thing (though it made me feel so spectacular). The closest I got was some lively Avatar OC with some new friends.

Fast forward to 2015, The episode “Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons” from gravity falls. All those feelings rose again and I remembered how much I loved playing.

(also enjoy role-playing and with LARP being mentioned there too, when I went to some Cons I had a blast with the foam swords there).

I took out the 4e Player's Handbook, made with my brother (who got in and out of d&d by that time) a carved foam platform and a cubes map - thus started a made-up game by the name of "D&F" (Dungeons & Fandoms), using his found old dices and it's a 1 on 1 encounter magic arena with no distinct roles. What started as "let's make Ability Scores to characters from shows" became a random "I cast a tree of pancakes on you! -no, I burned it with fire-bending you’re dead". A game that also slowly died as we grew up and apart (“I mean, they used to be best friends, but then they got all stupid. Can you promise me you won't get stupid?”)

(FOUND IT!!!) A mild discovery of the ingenious song “Never Split The Party”, an actual d&d song I discovered after watching Semblance of Sanity and figuring out that their ditty “don’t you know you never split the party” is an actual song their singing.

[This video is just a d&d podcast they had, but kinda sums up everything I feel about why I enjoy D&D!]

Then another tiny spark 3 years later when the Voltron episode “Monsters & Mana” came out (BTW, a great d&d parody episode). Which mostly came to an end after a glance in the book and dices and helping a friend with ideas to craft his own RPG game.

We arrive at the date when everything changed (well, almost), December 7th, 2018. The day I discovered the “Mighty Nein Animated Intro - Your Turn To Roll” and my life were never the same.

Stumbled upon it by complete accident. I was at a loss for words, I heard the name “Critical Role” thrown about many times on tumbler’s trending list and saw pictures and art of mostly Jester. I didn't even know what is it - a tv show? a game? well, it looks like D&D. The song was incredible and brought me back, I started writing a full-fleshed out character - a human ranger taught by an elf, but the idea was quickly shifted to another fantasy story by me (it’s heard sticking to it when you know it’s just backstory and character info and you will not play and you have no one). But I continue watching this video on repeat (haha not even knowing what it actually is), scouting tumbler for info and watching some random animatics, learning it's probably a podcast d&d\rpg or something. It could have been amazing as a tv show (XD)… and then another video got released, same incredible essence of d&d song but different animation, and different characters That was my first introduction to Vox Machina.

I had to check this out. Tried to get into the fandom but got lost, even though the interest was there. Stepping upon the awesome cosplay OP and even found out about a hamilton album parody - and my musical loving self was ecstatic.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIDuJAvTTRc&list=PL39vwIwCtLi3l4J6IMV6rS2HaLCujNzRT -  Vox Machina: An Exandrian Musical)

Found the full podcast list of champion 1 and started this May. But it was hard following just by voice, and I wanted to see what was happening, every episode was 3-4 hours long, with me in my military base it was impossible. (also I thought to myself “it looks cool, but what so investing and amazing about watching some people play D&D - boy I was wrong).

Then my unexpected savior arrived, miss Corona the pandemic.

I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands and the Critical Role vids got suggested again on YouTube, yes indeed, I discovered there are actually filmed episodes. Towards the end of May, I started the journey and the flame reignited. I started talking to a good friend of mine about his interest in d&d and we started crafting characters - I resurrected my charter into a half-elven ranger with a full backstory. Down the road, I asked another two friends of mine about their interest in d&d (because maybe I can join together an actual party), one of them said, and I’m quoting “no I don’t have experience playing…but I swear I wanted to talk to you about D&D”. Unfortunately, the two friends groups didn’t mix but we made an improved first session with me as the fucking DM, simply magical. Later that week I started a 1on1 campaign with the other friend, with him as the DM and a marvelous start of an adventure (and helping him learn the rules as an ADM, with the past faded expirations I had).

All while fangirly, hyperfixation way continuing with the journey of Vox Machina, it’s amazing because as opposed to other shows I can also completely see the fandom growing along with the show and cast (i just hope I can catch up to the Mighty Nein before the inevitable 3rd campaign, 198 episodes to go - happy 100th ep!). It’s also difficult to get into the Critters fandom right now because most of the community is focused and recognized by Mighty Nein. Also burning up creativity slots and making more various characters then I could ever use - I’m enjoying myself so muchhh. Diving headfirst into this beautiful crazy of the mess that is D&D.

Nothing’s never too late and it’s ok if you have hiatus. It doesn’t make you any less worthy and I don’t need to feel bad about this journey of that a bunch of nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons got me back to loving, playing and caring about the world of d&d, it’s part of the intent. As a fantasy lover (spells, costumes, items, structures, creatures, you name it), aspiring creative writer and an untalented lover of acting theatrical and role-playing, along with the incredible mechanism of RPG and the vast community, the amazing time with friends, its the game for me, it always had been. So thank you Critical Role for igniting that flame once again - even if I will lose it again I will always have you guys. “Can you answer the call? Dig in deep in your soul. As the legend unfolds, now it's your turn to roll!”

Taken the following aspect into consideration:

• recent storyline

• their recent characterization

• their previous characterization

• the wish that both, A and D, survive, are free and together at the end

I can imagine following scenario. Deran must confront Adrian at one point about his involvement. Adrian then comes clean and swears that he did not spill anything about Deran. He makes sure Deran knows that he first didn’t want to say anything because he thought he could handle it himself and, in the end, it was his own mistake. But when the stakes went up, he felt trapped and didn’t know what to do.

Deran believes him but he worries what Pope, Smurf, etc. are going to do to Adrian when they find out that he has been working with the police. Therefore, he thinks it is better for Adrian to stay at Jess’ place. That is how she gets involved. Together, they are coming up with a plan to get rid of Pierce, the DEA guy and the potential drug charge. A & D are keeping it to themselves but they need help. Hence the spoilers why Craig needs to do stuff for Deran and him being annoyed because Deran behaves secretively. In the end they will be on top of the whole thing because they are the Codies and of course they are. Shit’s going down in Episode 12 and the finale is them cleaning up their business so that both have a (somewhat) happy ending. I would watch that ;)

Did you know Disney's Oswald the Lucky Rabbit actually has quite the interesting merchandise history?

A little before Disney reacquired the Lucky guy in 2006, Universal Studios commissioned plush toys to sell at their theme park in Japan.

These specific ones were meant to be won as prizes at the park, though there were other Oswald plushes park goers could buy.

Produced by the company Taito, these very peculiar toys feature a unique blue redesign of the character that was widely used by Universal at the time, before his move back to Disney.

Shown here in my picture I managed to get my grubby little hands on the sleeping with pajamas and hoodie plushes of Oswald.

Source:

Forewarning: This is long.

We all know the show done did Dany dirty. It’s probably the thing most of have  hated about season 8 the most. Even people who don’t like Dany have disagreed with how her storyline has unfolded, and some even found themselves rooting for her when they didn’t like her earlier on. 

But you wanna know what else REALLY burns me? 

The relationship between Sansa and Daenerys. 

I think most people can agree when I say that the two characters who have undoubtedly suffered the most on Game of thrones would be Sansa and Daenerys. Similarly, they are also perhaps the characters who have overcome the most odds and managed to come out on top despite the horrors they suffered. 

In a lot of ways, their stories parallel. 

Both of them were horrifically raped, sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by terrible men. Both of them were ‘sold’ for the benefits of a man. They were both beaten, humiliated, and forced to overcome atrocities. Both have been held captive. Both have been manipulated. 

Both have committed terrible acts themselves. 

Sansa stans can say what they want; letting someone be devoured by dogs and smiling about it is just about on the same level of burning a witch lady alive because she killed your husband and unborn child. 

These two characters have suffered the same crimes committed against them, and yet they don’t get along. Sansa immediately hated Daenerys, and it doesn’t really make sense. 

I mean, sure, Sansa is cautious. That makes sense. She’s also pissed at Jon for not listening to her and bending the knee to a foreign ruler. She also probably can’t help but worry about Daenerys being another Cersei, but Sansa is not the type of person to act so blatantly rude to someone with more power than her. 

She learned the game, didn’t she? Even if she didn’t like Daenerys in the beginning, she would’ve hidden it a lot better than she did. 

Then, Daenerys extends an olive branch. And for a moment, it seems like the two might start to get along. That ends when Sansa brings up the North. Not entirely out of character; Sansa cares about the North, she protects it. But again, Sansa has learned diplomacy. 

Also, I don’t really agree with Daenerys’ reaction either. Yeah, Daenerys has a temper, it’s true. I don’t think anyone, even Daenerys stans, would disagree with that. She’s also been known to have trouble with people who question her authority, which I would personally say is fair, given how she started out. But Daenerys has also been shown to have a softer side, especially with women and people who had experienced similar suffering to her own. It’s clear from what she said later on ‘She’s changed’ and ‘not after what they did to her,’ that Daenerys knows, to some extent, the terrible things that happened to Sana. 

Yes, Daenerys doesn’t want her claim to the throne contested, but she also has been shown to show a lot more understanding and compassion to people like Sansa. Why didn’t Daenerys try to speak to Sansa about who Daenerys wanted to be as a Queen? Explained to her that ‘I know you’ve experienced terrible things. I have too. That’s why I want to be Queen; I want the world to be better.’ 

Furthermore, this idea of Sansa judging Daenerys by her parents doesn’t exactly make much sense? Sansa has never before shown an inclination towards such behavior, and after all of the people she met and experienced, she learned that sometimes the monsters can actually be good, just as the ‘good’ can actually be monsters. I mean, look at Sandor. Sansa obviously never held a grudge, and was even grateful that he tried to help her. 

I think the biggest issue was the itty bitty lie Jon told in the beginning; he said to his people that in order to get help from Daenerys, he had to bend the knee, but Daenerys had ALREADY pledged her army and dragons to the Northern cause after she saw the Night King. Furthermore, I think it comes down to that part about being mad at Jon. As we saw in Season 7, Sansa was getting more and more frustrated with Jon not listening to her and ignoring her advice. My first thought was perhaps Sansa was more mad at Jon than Daenerys, but was taking her anger out on Daenerys, but they didn’t take this route even though it made more sense. 

But let’s fast forward a bit. Daenerys SAVED Winterfell. 

There’s a lot of debate about this on the internet I’ve noticed, but let me be clear, because it really is very simple: Winterfell and the North would not have survived without Daenerys’ army and dragons. 

Regardless of your arguments, that is the truth. 

Whether or not you think Daenerys had an obligation to the North or not, or whatever else, Daenerys didn’t have to go North. I’m not talking about on a moral level or anything, or what a Queen Claimant should or shouldn’t do. I’m saying that Daenerys as a character, regardless of her claimant or not, could’ve just said “well that doesn’t look like a fun battle, I hope you guys enjoy, I’m gonna go ahead and take King’s Landing and prepare it for the Night King. It’s much better fortified anyways.” 

But she didn’t. Why? Because contrary to what people like to claim, Daenerys does actually care about her people and her kingdoms, and she doesn’t like to see people suffer. 

Sansa also is not an idiot, as we’ve all seen time and time again. She would, on some level, at least recognize the truth of this. 

And so we get to the battle, and Arya kills the Night King, yes, but Daenerys and her armies and dragons were the tipping point for the battle. Arya never would’ve gotten to the Night king, perhaps not even survived long enough, to kill him if it weren’t for the fire power and more soldiers. 

Daenerys may not have killed the Night King, and she may have been in a pretty tricky situation near the end there, but let’s be clear: there wouldn’t have been a battle if she hadn’t been there. It would have been a massacre. 

And again, Sansa, being the smart and intelligent person she is, would recognize this. 

You would think after everything, she would’ve at least warmed to Daenerys a little, considering she saved the land and people she loves and cares for so much. 

But no, Sansa continues to hate her. Why? What point does it serve her or anyone else? 

The point is, it doesn’t make sense. These are two women who have so much in common and who were allies in a war, and yet, they’re frosty and cold to each other. (Sansa more than Daenerys) 

It’s the fucking narrative. D&D once again decided to ignore characterization or logic for their narrative, and I’m not okay with it. 

And neither should you. 

Also, both Sansa stans and Daenerys stans need to chill. (From what I’ve seen, maybe Sansa stans more, but I haven’t really seen the full extent of Daenerys stans hate on Sansa stans.) These are two characters who are extremely similar, and it’s ridiculous that the show pitted them against each other like this, and you shouldn’t give into D&D’s ridiculous narrative and pit two strong, resilient, trauma survivors against each other. 

Most of toxicity in that fandom, comes from selfcalled protectors of morality. It’s just a story – not a real life situation – and it’s absolutely normal if you cheer for a favorite character – not because he is righteous, but because he is interesting. I love villains in stories, and in that story – I love Sangwoo too. He is a lot more complex character than Bum, he is way hotter (╭☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )╭☞ , and he is just more active – the story is driven by him – his craziness.

And I admit, there were moment when Bum was shining, when he tried to escape, when his mind was racing back and forward to find a solution for his imprisonment. But recently passiveness of Bum, his way of behaving, his lack of communication – first when Sangwoo started falling so hard into his schizophrenic hysteria in the hotel – and not mentioning his breakdown in any way, then in multiple occasion – when the calls for action were clear as the sky.  But it’s his character, that passiveness, lack of human reactions – solving every problem in sexual way – forcing felliato on somebody unconscious, then trying to ignore another breakdown - and what a breakdown it was! Then solving it again with sexual intercourse! He is brilliant as portray of a person with such horrible traumas, and lack of normal human reactions. But… Those characteristics I see, and I admit that are very solid outcome of his past – still are the same characteristics, that are the reason why I don’t like Bum. I don’t cheer for him. He is solid character, that just happened to not fill my boxes “Character I love”.

On the other hand – psychopathic, crazy ass killer Sangwoo, who was not passive in any way during his life – human who should be sweet and caring person, became a monster. Oh man, that’s just my jam! And I root for him – and I’m devastated that he probably got such disappointing ending. His life was from the beginning to an end – livid horror. Starting with the demons living inside his parents, then with the demons crunching his never recovered mind. Everyday agony, and in the end, he was left alone in more and more suffering – alone, with the feeling of betrayal. There is a cliché – he get what he deserves, but in my mind – he really didn’t deserve that. Season 3 showed that there was still possibility in resocialization within him, and I’m sad that it was never possible outcome. He trapped Bum, he hurted him, he forced him into his madness. But at the same time, it was Bum who was slowly killing him softly, with a hands clothed in white gloves – because that person, who promised him love in the face of death, was the person who left him in the most crucial moment. They were a toxin for each other, and I see those damned rat pills as a metaphor. They weren’t used, but they were present. They were still inside Sangwoo head, and he belived that Bum will be his antidote. But Bum was poisoned himself, and broken tools wont repair broken vase.

Bum just gave Sangwoo another dose – not on purpose – but within the rules that were set as creation of his character. He was never a savior, he was too weak. And Sangwoo couldn’t be a savior for Bum – but kill me for that – he at least tried. Failed. Crushed his good intentions, and let the monster win all the way, but he tried. I’m just so sad that there was never in that webtoon a character that could set an example of good. The hand of justice. Because Sangwoo needed a punishment, but the way it was served him – wasn’t a punishment – it was absolutely monstrocity. But it would be even more crazy ass long post if I was bitchin about Seungbee too XD I’ll just say, his character is the most bizzare thing ever.

And I bitched for so long – primary – because it was very sed chapter for me :D Secondly, because I don’t like when someone calls other ppl fuckd up in the head, or cancers – because they like some fictional character, and they are not respecting the moral rules of society in frickin fiction :D Cmon ppl!

Sometimes self care is sitting in a bathtub after the house is asleep, the bottles are washed, and your last pump session before bed is complete... crying. Not because you’re necessarily sad but because, well, life.

I absolutely HATE it when people say “well you should be thankful there is a women somewhere wishing she had what you have”

I have had AWFUL postpartum anxiety and depression. I feel like one reason postpartum isn’t talked about is because moms are made to feel guilty for the feelings. I am BEYOND thankful for my precious baby girl. I am BEYOND in love with her. But some days are tough and it has nothing to do with her.

Some days it’s looking into the mirror and not even recognizing the person looking back. Some days it’s not wanting to move out of bed because you just don’t even know who you are anymore. Some days it’s a crippling fear something may happen to your child and you’re terrified to leave the house. It’s needing a friend but they’re all too busy living life.

Postpartum is rough. It takes over your thoughts, emotions, actions. It tells you that you’re not good enough or you should try harder. Postpartum is something mamas bottle up until they explode. For fear someone may report them because “they are an unfit mother” for having emotions other than joy.

Postpartum is a silent killer.