#adrian dolan

The beach was busy, but it wasn’t loud. Plenty of sunbathers, people on vacation sprawled out on their towels or with their nose buried in a book. The sand underfoot was warm, but not so hot that it hurt to stand still. Children were splashing and playing in the shallows. The ones feeling brave going out past where their feet could touch under the watchful eyes of their parents.

By the time the waves reached the shore, they were little more than ripples, the crest of the waves happening much farther out from the beach than they did back home. Adrian didn’t mind that, though. A long swim out meant fewer people were going to make the trek. Some days it felt like the waves had shown up just for him. It’d taken some time, but he’d grown accustomed to the solitude.

He was knee-deep in the clear blue water, surfboard tucked under his arm, when he heard a sound that stood out from all the others. It was enough to give him pause. For a moment he wondered if he was simply just homesick and hearing things. That notion wasn’t the most ridiculous one. Grip tightening on his board out of anticipation, he scanned all of the faces in the small crowd around him.

His heart stopped when he realized that he hadn’t been hearing things. Disbelief sucked the air out of his lungs as he stood there staring at the scene playing out in front of him. Just a few yards away, Deran was sat in the shallows. His legs and half his torso were submerged, his arms draped over the surfboard in front of him where a small child sat.

The sound that had given Adrian pause was laughter. That deep chuckle, one that went on for a few extra beats when it was real. Sure enough, Deran was smiling at the baby in front of him. One hand holding the board still, one hand helping hold the baby upright, Adrian couldn’t see the baby’s face, but they were laughing harder and louder than Deran was, that unashamed volume that only children have.

If Adrian hadn’t heard Deran’s laugh, he wondered if he would’ve even spotted him at all. He looked different now. The longer Adrian stared, he realized that Deran almost looked more like he had when they were kids. His hair was short again, in the early, unruly phases of growing back out from whatever type of buzzcut he’d gotten. His beard was just beginning to grow back in too. It was little more than five o’clock shadow. For a moment Adrian was getting bombarded by memories of the two of them in high school, back when Adrian first came to the devastating realization that he’d never be able to grow facial hair that wasn’t patchy. Deran hadn’t ever had that problem.

They both had lived multiple lives since then, it seemed. He started to think about all of that, too, but it was harder to focus on the mess it had become when he was looking at the boy he fell in love with when they were fourteen sitting in the water mere meters away from him. The rest of it mattered immensely, but for a moment he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

He was snapped out of his trance by a kid accidentally bumping into him as he headed out for deeper water with his bodyboard. “’Scuse me!” he said apologetically, not bothering to slow down.

Adrian didn’t say anything in response, but the kid hadn’t even slowed down enough to notice. Returning his attention to Deran, he finally managed to put one foot in front of the other. He didn’t know what he was going to say or do, knew even less how Deran was going to react. But there was no walking away from this without saying anything at all. After all he’d been through, even the worst possible outcome didn’t seem that bad.

There were enough people shuffling around that Adrian’s approach hadn’t even caused Deran to divert his attention from the baby on the surfboard, their little bucket hat flopping in the breeze as Deran made the board skim back and forth on top of the water.

A couple feet still left between them, Adrian managed to get the words out from the back of his throat. One word, at least. “Deran?” It came out hoarse and unsteady. Hardly loud enough to be heard over the splashing of children and the distant waves.

But Deran heard it.

His head snapped up, eyes wide at the use of a name he hadn’t gone by in months. He was already scrambling to his feet, easily scooping the baby off the surfboard and clutching them to his chest.

He was fully upright and nearly stumbling a few steps backwards before he stopped to look at who it was that had spoken to him. He was still hugging the baby tight when he realized it was Adrian. There was still a look of fear on his face, but it was a different kind now. The fact that it was Adrian alleviated some concerns, but raised a plethora of others. There were many reasons that Deran hadn’t bothered to look for Adrian in the time that he’d been laying low already.

Now it was Deran’s turn to take in the new version of Adrian. He was tanner than he had been back in Oceanside. His hair was a little longer but not by much—the sun had bleached it to be even lighter even though Deran hadn’t thought that would be possible. He still had that boyishness to his face. Deran could see the exhaustion in his eyes though, underneath all the uncertainty brought on by his being there.

Baby on one hip and his board tucked under his other arm, he continued to close the gap between them. Water droplets trickled down his stomach and thighs that were now out of the water. He stopped with a little more than a foot of space separating them. Enough space to cut and run if he had to, if Adrian was still rightfully angry about everything that had happened.

Adrian couldn’t force himself to break eye contact with Deran until a tiny little hand reached up and tried to grab at his beard that wasn’t there anymore. A small gesture, familiar and intimate. Adrian couldn’t help but to look at the baby then. Innumerable questions running through his mind.

There was no right way to start this conversation. They both knew that. So much time had passed, and so many things had happened. Everything they knew about each other was outdated now, but those were the only tethers keeping them connected at all. It was the only thing that had brought Deran to Indonesia. The only thing that kept Adrian from trying to cut and run somewhere new once the heat finally felt like it was dying down. Hope. Or whatever their lives allowed them to have that was close to it.

He was still staring at the baby as he asked, “Who’s this?”

The worry in Deran’s eyes disappeared for a moment at the question. Smile coming back across his features as he looked down at the baby smiling up at him from his perch on his hip. “This is,” he cleared his throat, feeling like a teenager for a moment in the most embarrassing way as his voice cracked, “um, this is Nick.”

“Nick,” Adiran repeated with a nod. The answer to the question didn’t clear the air at all, but it gave Adrian enough confidence to step in closer under the guise of wanting to be closer to the baby rather than Deran. Nick turned his head, looking up at Adrian with wide eyes underneath the floppy brim of his hat. Adrian smiled. “Hey, buddy.”

If it had been a few years ago, before everything turned out the way that it did, Adrian would’ve used the silence as an excuse to make a joke. Something that Deran would’ve laughed at even if it wasn’t funny. He wanted to now, just for the sake of having that sense of normalcy that had been escaping him for so long. But he saw the way that Deran had that worry in his eyes even if there was a smile on his face for the baby’s sake.

He stayed quiet, waiting for Deran’s worry to work itself into a response, or a segue that would relieve both of them from the pressure of navigating whatever their conversation was currently liable to turn into.

“My nephew,” Deran finally said. His cadence made it seem like he’d meant to say something before that, probably did inside his head even if the words never made it out.

He looked at Adrian. There was a quick quirk to the end of his mouth. The telltale sign that he had a few slick comments of his own. He didn’t say any of them, though, toeing that same delicate line that Adrian was. Of all the ways Deran had pictured their first conversation going after their time apart, this hadn’t been on his list of possibilities. It was  a better outcome than some of the things that he’d been thinking, though. Adrian wasn’t yelling, wasn’t trying to take a swing at him. Maybe that was just because he had a baby on his hip, though.

Adrian nodded like Deran’s elaboration helped clear the air at all. Rather than prying, he held out his hand, grinning and chuckling as Nick reached and wrapped all of his fingers around Adrian’s pointer finger. Adrian looked at Nick for a moment before turning his attention to the man that was holding him. His grin shifted into something softer when he saw the way that Deran was focused so intently on the baby.

“Is it, um,” when Nick let go of his finger, he took the opportunity to get his board propped in the sand so he didn’t have to carry it anymore, “is it just the two of you?”

The sadness that went across Deran’s face at the question was evident only to the two of them. He nodded. “Yeah, yeah just us.”

When silence filled the space between them again, all Deran could think was that things with them never got to just be simple. It hadn’t been back then, and clearly it still wasn’t now. Before he at least had things he knew he could say, or if he didn’t have anything to say they could do other things that didn’t involve talking. Neither of those options were at his disposal now.

Adrian could feel the discomfort beginning to radiate off him. He wasn’t exactly loving the tenuous nature of their circumstances either, but there was just something so wonderful about finally seeing a familiar face. Even if it was a face attached to a long, complicated history.

He cleared his throat. “I’ll, um, I’ll let you guys get back to it,” he said, making a small gesture towards the water. “I didn’t mean to…I just couldn’t believe…”

“It’s okay.” He could see that Adrian’s grip tightened on his board like he was going to pick it up and take off, but he just couldn’t quite will himself to move. Whatever it was that Adrian really wanted to say or talk about, they both knew that it wasn’t going to happen then and there. Deran did his best to bring a gentle end to it. “Surf looks good.”

Adrian’s eyes widened, remembering that that was what he’d shown up for in the first place. “Yeah—supposed to be a good day.”

Deran smiled, feeling Nick start to squirm in his arms. He nodded towards the water. “Go.”

He picked up his board but still didn’t make any move to take off just yet.  He looked out at the water and then back to Deran. For someone who craved stability, he certainly always seemed to find himself surrounded by things with a fleeting nature.

Adrian looked at the baby, found it easier to ask what he wanted to ask when he didn’t have to look Deran in the eyes to do it. “You guys passing through, or…?”

Deran chuckled, the weary kind that usually meant the question was directly related to something he had thought himself into exhaustion about already. “Hopefully not.”

Despite the long history of complications between them, Adrian couldn’t deny that Deran’s words were comforting. It had been a long and lonely stint in Indonesia so far. He’d made some acquaintances, got along with some people from his job, but he hadn’t let anyone get close. At first keeping that bit of distance was a matter of safety, not knowing if he was going to be able to hide out or if some kind of boogeyman was going to jump out of the shadows in his apartment and drag him back to Oceanside.

At first it was practical, but then it grew to be a habit. It was just his new mode of operations. He didn’t feel a sense of ever-present danger breathing down his neck anymore, but he wasn’t quite sure how to go about letting people in again. Trust got harder and harder to come by as the days went on. More than once, as he laid awake at night and stared up at his ceiling, he wondered if he had already run through everyone who was ever going to be a meaningful part of his life. He wondered if he was going to feel this distant from everyone forever.

It was too soon to tell if Deran was the answer to some unsaid prayer, or if he was going to kick up dust in Adrain’s lonely but still very quiet and settled life. He was choosing to have faith that it was the former. For the sake of his sanity, it had to be.

As Deran watched Adrian’s shifting expressions, Deran knew that he was running a cost-benefit analysis of sorts. Time might have passed them by for a bit now, but there were some things that he was always going to know about Adrian. Calls he was always going to be able to make. Seeing the shine of desperation in Adrian’s eyes, Deran knew that for now the two of them would be alright with each other. Awkward, maybe, but alright.

Adrian realized how long he had been standing there thinking loudly, but not actually saying anything. Clearing his throat, he asked, “You guys set up somewhere, then?”

Deran nodded. “Yeah. Got a spot just a few minutes from here.”

“That’s, that’s good.”

He could all but see the questions that Adrian had, lingering in little thought bubbles above his head. “Not now, but if you wanna talk about…anything, I can give you my number or whatever.”

Adrian chuckled, smile passing over his face for a moment. “Or whatever, huh?”

Deran laughed too as he shook his head. “Shut up.”

“No, no. It’s good. Nice to see that you still have such a way with words.”

If it had been up to Deran, he would’ve been happy to stand there talking to Adrian until the tide buried his feet in the sand. Nick had other plans for them though. He had been patient as far as babies go, but he was ready to be done with the beach. He let Deran know that by squirming and making those tiny sounds that said, “I’m not crying yet, but I will be soon if you don’t do what I want.” The first week or so had been tough as Deran tried to learn all the nuances to communicating with a baby that can’t talk, but they’d figured it out for the most part now.

They made a quick trip to where their cars were parked. It allowed Deran to put Nick in his car seat, something that seemed to pacify him for the moment. It also gave him and Adrian the chance to swap updated phone numbers. Deran didn’t make Adrian ask the awkward question of which names they should be putting in their contact list—real or fake—instead Deran just told him what he was going by these days. Adrian did the same.

“Yeah,” Deran said with a chuckle as he put his cellphone into the pocket of his shorts. “I know.”

Adrian smiled at that. Sparked a little bit of warmth in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a long time, with Deran or anyone else. Yeah it came from something messy and complicated and, well, illegal, but that tended to be how it went with Deran anyway. Par for the course.

“Catch an extra one for me,” Deran said as he started to backpedal away.

Adrian laughed and nodded. “Will do.”

Before he walked around to the driver’s side of his car, Deran decided to bring the conversation to a close with a simple, “If you need anything, just call, alright?”

“Alright. Th-thanks.” He felt like they should be doing something more, a hug or a handshake or something, but maybe it was too soon. Must’ve been, if Deran was already sliding into the driver’s seat of his car.

Adrian stayed until the car disappeared down the road. It was strange to see Deran behind the wheel of anything other than the Scout. But if everything else was different, it only made sense that that was different too. Once he locked his phone back up inside his car, he made his way back down towards the beach. Part of him already felt winded from everything that had just happened, but it’d be a good chance for him to clear his head. Besides, he owed Deran at least one good run.

As the days ticked by after that, both of them played chicken waiting for the other to reach out and call first. It wasn’t rooted in pettiness the way it had been back when they were teenagers, back when they just wanted to make the other sweat it out as much as possible. Deran wasn’t going ghost because of drama with Smurf or a job, Adrian hadn’t blocked his number out of spite, only unblock it every couple of days to see if Deran was still trying to reach out anyway.

They were holding off because neither of them were sure what the other person actually wanted. Neither of them knew what was right, what was okay. Deran knew that the original plan had been for them to come down here together, but he’d thrown every possible wrench into the original plan as he could, and he didn’t know if Adrian wanted anything to do with him now that the shock and initial wave of nostalgia had worn off. Adrian wasn’t calling because, much like how life had been back in the states, he didn’t have the slightest clue where Deran was at mentally and emotionally. With anything at all, but especially with him, their relationship or whatever someone could call it now.

Since Adrian wasn’t calling him, Deran’s phone was more or less a clock in his pocket that he paid a lot of money for. Long gone were the days when there was always someone who was trying to call him or text him. It’d been quite some time since anyone other than Nick needed something from him in any sort of urgent or meaningful fashion. Back in Oceanside, his phone screen lighting up had turned into a nuisance. Any phone call or text just another thing that he had to deal with. Someone adding another item onto his ever-growing to-do list.

Now it was a surprise. The first feeling that went through him was always anxiety. It’d last for a fleeting moment if the number was in his contact list already. And it would last a little longer if the number wasn’t. He’d always let those calls go to voicemail. As much as he tried not to think or worry about it, there was always part of him that was waiting to play back a message left for him and hear J’s voice ringing in his ear. It hadn’t happened yet. If there was any power that be in Deran’s corner, in Nick’s, it wouldn’t ever be.

 He didn’t have a name for the feeling that rushed through his chest when he saw that it was Adrian’s name flashing across his phone’s screen. His new name, anyway. What they said to each other face-to-face was one thing, but Deran knew better than to be stupid enough to dredge up the past and leave a trail behind it like that. He couldn’t look at the name without also noticing the time, how late it was.

“Yeah?” he answered, voice groggy.

“Oh, hey,” Adrian sounded surprised.

Deran cleared his throat, hoping to come off as a little more awake than he really was. He wasn’t quite sure how to take Adrian’s tone. “You, uh, you mean to call?”

“Yeah, I did. I just,” he chuckled awkwardly, “I didn’t think you’d actually pick up.”

A tiny groan slipped past his lips as he tried to adjust himself on the couch without disturbing Nick, who was sprawled across his chest. Not asleep, of course, because why would he allow either of them to get some rest at one-thirty in the morning? But he was content, which was more than Deran could say of the state of him a few minutes before.

“Right. You okay?”

“Mhm,” Adrian replied, but even in the short sound there was a waver to his tone.

Sucking in a deep breath, Deran had the instinctual urge to make a comment along the lines of, “Don’t make it weird, just ask to come over.” But he couldn’t blame Adrian for being a little weird about it. Everything about them right now was a little weird.

He tried breaking the ice a different way. “If this is a booty call or some shit, man, you’ve gotten really bad at them.”

It was a relief to hear Adrian laugh. “Shut up. It’s not.”

“Good, ‘cause I’d have to say no based off your pitch.”

There were a few beats with nothing but the sound of them chuckling quietly with each other. When they gathered themselves, Adrian spoke up again. He didn’t sound as nervous, but he still didn’t sound quite like himself. “I can’t sleep.”

“Yeah,” Deran said as he looked at Nick, who was staring up at him intently, far more awake than any baby should be at that hour, “it’s goin’ around.” He paused, and then asked because he knew now that Adrian wouldn’t, “You wanna come over?”

There was a pause, one that went on long enough to make Deran wonder if Adrian had hung up without him realizing. Then a quiet, tentative, “Yeah, please.”

Deran gave him the address for the house he was staying in now. It was a fraction of the size compared to any place he’d had back in Oceanside, but it was enough for just him and Nick. Plus it had been cheap, and the old owner didn’t ask any questions when Deran said he would pay for it outright in cash. It was hardly a five-minute drive to the beach, which truthfully had just as much to do with Deran’s decision to purchase it as everything else. It didn’t feel like home yet, but it worked just fine for them for now.

Adrian’s headlights streamed through the curtains that covered Deran’s living room windows. Nick turned, following the light and shadows as they danced across the walls. Deran gave him a gentle pat on the back and whispered a soft, “He’s here,” as he got up off the couch to answer the door.

He was already unlocking it as Adrian knocked. He hadn’t even put his hand back into the pocket of his shorts yet, his eyes widening at the instant response. He stared at Deran for a moment, mouth open like he was about to say something, and then he noticed that he was holding Nick.

“Hi,” Adrian said, looking back and forth between the two of them.

Deran pulled the door open a little farther and nodded for him to come inside. “Welcome to the party.”

Adrian chuckled, slipping by Deran without looking him in the eye. “Yeah—seems like you guys are gettin’ pretty wild in here.”

Out of habit, Deran looked up and down the street before shutting and locking the door again. When he turned around, Adrian was standing in the middle of the living room. He was gawking around like he was a perspective buyer at an open house.

“You want a beer or something?” he asked, already walking towards the kitchen.

Adrian nodded, not because he really wanted a beer but because it would give him something to keep his hands busy. Something to act as a distraction when he needed it. Not feeling comfortable enough to plop down on the couch in the living room, Adrian followed him into the kitchen.

Neither of them said anything as Deran shifted around the tiny space that made up his kitchen. He seemed to have the layout of his new space memorized—it made Adrian wonder how long he had been living there already. He never actually asked him. Nick was planted happily against Deran’s chest, leaning and looking back over his shoulder. He seemed happily oblivious to everything that his uncle was managing to do one-handed. Adrian was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that doing everything with a baby slumped against him seemed to be second-nature to Deran now. Maybe it wasn’t fair to constantly stack up who he was now to who he used to be, but moments like that Adrian just couldn’t help it. Back then, Deran had been mostly indifferent to babies. How things change.

Deran popped the caps off two beer bottles. He handed one to Adrian. “One for you.” He slid the other bottle farther down the counter out of the way. “One for me.” He popped open the door to the microwave, pressing the back of his hand to the outside of the bottle that was sitting in there. Satisfied with how it had cooled down, he handed it to Nick. “And one for you.”

It was hard not to laugh at the entire scene. Never in a million years did Adrian think that this is what he would show up and find Deran doing at nearly two in the morning. Not only that, he never thought that Deran would look so content about it. He had bags under his eyes, and that same weariness about him that he always carried, but there was an ease and satisfaction to him that Adrian couldn’t remember seeing much of when they were back in California. Not like this.

Deran settled on one end of the couch, making it easier to keep Nick balanced in the crook of his arm so they could both safely access their drinks. He used the bottom of his beer bottle to gesture to the cushion beside him.

He took the hint, plopping down beside him. He looked down at the bottle in his hands, and then around at the living room again. When he felt brave enough, he chanced a look at Deran. He was taking a sip of his beer and staring at Nick who was happily sipping away on the formula Deran had given him. For a moment Adrian wanted to shut his eyes and pretend that everything else was different except for the three of them sitting on Deran’s sofa together. He wanted the circumstances to be anything but what they were.

Shaking his head at himself, he took a sip of his beer and tried to find something else to focus his attention on until he felt brave enough to talk about why he’d called Deran in the first place. He studied the finer details of the living room.

Adrian’s soft laugh cut through the silence of the room, and it snagged Deran’s attention. He raised his eyebrows. “What?”

Adrian nodded towards the far wall, cheesy grin on his face. “Did you put in outlet covers?”

Deran shrugged and nodded. “Yeah. Babies are stupid—they’ll try and shove their whole hand in there if you let ‘em.”

Adrian was doing his best to keep his laughs under control. “Yeah, I know but—”

“And this one,” Deran cut him off, lightly pressing his forehead against Nick’s for a moment, “is approximately fifty perfect Craig. So, y’know, he needs all the help he can get.”

“Yeah, no, I get why.” Adrian was shaking his head and smiling. “I was more just…I wasn’t expecting you to have a house that was baby-proofed, that’s all.”

“Well,” he shrugged, and as if on cue Nick let out a small hiccup, “I got a baby now. It is what it is.”

“And that’s that?” Adrian asked, knowing full well that there was more to the story. There was always more to the story with Deran. With him too now, he supposed.

Deran took a deep breath and let his head fall back against the sofa cushion. He closed his eyes, left them like that for a few seconds. Adrian’s heart jumped up into his throat and he was trying to figure out a way to take back the comment before he got kicked out of Deran’s new baby-proofed house.

He didn’t lift his head from the back of the couch as he turned to look at Adrian. He saw the regret clear as day on his face. That was a look that Deran had become far too acquainted with over the years. Somehow he was always the cause of it.

He yanked Adrian out of one pit of discomfort and regret and tossed him right into another with four simple words. “Why can’t you sleep?”

The laugh he let out was one of relief until it tapered off into a dry chuckle. Deran shifted the baby in his lap, but the distraction wasn’t enough to make him miss the way that Adrian’s cheeks started to turn color.

He took a sip of his beer to buy himself a couple seconds. There were too many things that went into the answer to that question. The list started way back in Oceanside, and was long enough to get to them all the way here. He didn’t know where to start, if he really should.

“All of it, I think,” he finally answered with a weak laugh.

Deran cracked a small smile that lasted for just a split second. “Sounds right.”

Adrian finally let himself sink back against the sofa too. His blood was starting to rush in his ears but he still wanted to sink right into the couch cushions. He had no right to be thinking it, but for a moment he thought this could be the place where he could finally get some sleep. He and Deran had always been like that—each other’s problem and solution all at once.

He closed his eyes, hoping that if he wasn’t looking at Deran, it would be easier for him to say what it was that he wanted to say. “I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I…I know what I want to say, but I don’t know if I can or I should.” He shook his head, eyes still shut. “How the hell are we supposed to pick up after everything?”

Even though Adrian was refusing to open his eyes, Deran couldn’t help but to look at him. They always got so close to getting it right. But it was only ever in fleeting moments and close wasn’t ever good enough to make up for the rest of it. It could be different now, maybe. They were different people—theoretically at least. Now it was just the two of them and Nick. There was no Smurf and there were no jobs. They were just two people carrying around a whole lot of hurt, just like everyone else. They’d spent so many years going hit for hit because it didn’t feel like there had been another choice. There was now. Whether they talked it all through or decided to leave it all in the past and move forward with a clean slate, there were ways that they could carve out a future for themselves. But if history said anything, it was that they had a knack for falling short of each other, for opening wounds and dumping salt into them. Maybe Adrian had a life here now that had allowed those wounds to heal and he didn’t trust Deran with the knife anymore. He wouldn’t be able to blame him for that.

For so many years, Adrian had been the one putting himself out there. He’d hold his heart out to Deran in the palms of his hands, and over and over again Deran would slap it down into the sand. It was only fair then, he reasoned with himself, that this time he put himself in the vulnerable position. Adrian deserved to see him defenseless for once.

“I came down here for you.”

Adrian’s entire body tightened up. He opened his eyes and looked over at him. “What?”

Deran nodded, glancing at Nick who was now done with his bottle. Deran took it away from him, repositioning the baby so that he was leaning over his shoulder again. Nick was giggling quietly as Deran softly patted his back.

“I had to get the hell out of Oceanside, but uh, yeah,” he stumbled, not wanting to get into the intricacies of it all just yet. “I could’ve gone anywhere but I knew you were here so…what the fuck would’ve been the point of going anywhere else?”

He let out a sharp exhale. “Jesus, Deran.”

“I’m not—you don’t owe me anything. I know that. But I just, I don’t know,” he finished off his beer and set the bottle on the floor, “I don’t wanna lie anymore.”

The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. All those years and a hemisphere away and Deran still managed to made Adrian’s heart speed up in his chest like they were teenagers all over again. Whether it was Oceanside, or Belize, or Indonesia, it was still Deran with his big sad eyes and all the right words, and Adrian with a hopeless romantic streak a mile wide clinging to every scrap he was given.

The lump growing in the back of his throat told him that if he tried to say the things he wanted to, he would end up a teary mess on Deran’s couch. He tried to clear his throat, tried to thin out the tension in the air as he said, “Parenthood’s really changed you, huh?”

Deran laughed and rolled his eyes, seeing the way that Adrian was smiling even with tears starting to bring a shine to his baby blues. “Screw you.”

Nick started to get fussy, and the first thing Deran felt was relief thinking that he was finally ready to lay down and go to bed. Nights like this had him thinking he inherited Craig’s sleeping habits on top of anything else he got in the genetic lottery. Carefully standing up from the sofa, Deran made a small gesture to the baby and then the hallway. The situation spoke for itself.

When Deran walked back into the living room a few minutes later, Nick finally sound asleep, Adrian was still sitting on the couch. His beer, still barely touched, was now resting on the floor between his feet. He was hunched over, head resting in his hands. Deran leaned in the juncture of the hallway and the living room and watched him for a minute, trying to figure out what the right thing to do was. He didn’t know if there was a right thing.

He didn’t move any closer when he cleared his throat. Adrian lifted his head at the sound. He looked more tired than anything else now, and Deran assumed he looked much the same. There was only so much they could ask of each other at two in the morning.

“You can stay here tonight if you want,” Deran offered. Then added just to be safe, “Couch is comfortable—I got extra blankets and shit.”

Adrian knew he should get back to his own place, but he was already here. “I don’t wanna—”

“Dude,” Deran cut him off with a chuckle, “don’t be weird about it. Take the couch.”

Adrian smiled and nodded. “Thanks.”

He lightly patted his hand against the side of his leg. “I’ll grab your shit.”

He disappeared down the hall again before Adrian could say anything. Pushing himself up off the couch, Adrian swiped his beer bottle off the floor and grabbed Deran’s as well. He went to the kitchen and dumped what remained in each down the drain. Not seeing where Deran might’ve started storing his bottles, he just set them off to the side of the counter.

Stepping back out into the living room, Adrian saw Deran unfurling the blanket so that it covered the entire length of the couch. He’d already tossed a pillow down for him too. Adrian walked over, standing beside him as they both looked at the couch-turned-cot. They were almost close enough for their arms to be brushing against each other. Almost close enough for Adrian to drop his head right onto Deran’s shoulder.

“Can’t promise that you won’t wake up to a crying baby in about two hours.”

Adrian chuckled and shook his head, dismissing the concern. If he hadn’t been so exhausted he would’ve been able to conjure up some joke about him being the crying baby but he just wasn’t sharp enough for it at the moment.

“It’s fine. Honestly, it’s just nice to fall asleep somewhere that’s not empty.”

Deran nodded. “Yeah. I get that.”

He’d spent so long trying to get away from the noise and chaos of Smurf’s house. Being alone and on his own always felt good at first. But when long stretches would go by with no one there, no Craig, no Adrian, no other hook-ups that passed through, he would start to miss having a little bit of movement and noise too. Nick was a cure for that for at least the next eighteen years. If he was anything like, well, either of his parents, it’d end up being longer still.

Taking what felt like a leap when before it wouldn’t have even warranted a second thought, Deran placed his hand on Adrian’s back. He ran it up until it was on the back of his neck. Back then it would’ve been the moment that he pulled Adrian into a hug, a kiss, something that always ended up leading to more. Not this time though. He just traced his thumb against Adrian’s neck.

“Night,” he said, hating how thick the one word felt on his tongue.

Adrian nodded, not making any move to lie down on the couch. “Goodnight.”

Another second of hesitation passed and Deran wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them, but he knew that he was being selfish. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, he pulled his hand away. He was about to say something along the lines of, “Give a shout if you need anything,” when Adrian pulled him back into an embrace.

Deran let out a quiet, “Whoa,” but didn’t fight him on it. A little stilted and awkward at first, he managed to get himself together enough to slide his arms around him. Adrian’s chin was hooked over his shoulder at first, arms draped around his neck. Once he felt Deran relax into the embrace, felt Deran’s palms against his back, he turned his head so that he was curled into the curve of Deran’s neck.

What Adrian had meant to say was, “Thank you,” but what came out instead was, “I missed you.”

Deran pulled in a deep breath, pressing his fingertips a little harder into the small of Adrian’s back. He shut his eyes like that would prevent the tears from welling up. “I missed you too.”

It felt warm and familiar and endless. If either of them had the capability of sleeping standing up, they would’ve stayed like that for what was left of the night. As it was, they managed to pry themselves away from each other. They did each other the kindness of pretending not to notice as they wiped away their tears.

This time Deran got to say what he had been planning. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Adrian nodded. “Okay.” His voice was soft, sleepy. Deran had missed that too.

When Adrian got himself under the blanket that Deran had leant him, he briefly wondered which was going to win: his exhaustion or the endlessly growing list of questions in his mind. He didn’t get to think about it for long, his heavy eyelids finally dropping shut.

While Adrian was sleeping like a baby out in the living room, sleeping better than the actual baby in the bedroom in the hall that separated Deran’s room from the living room, Deran found himself now wide awake and staring up at the ceiling. He wanted to sleep—his body was begging for it at this point. But something about the knowledge of Adrian being right out there in his living room was making it impossible for him to settle into the comfort of his own mattress and blankets.

Offering the couch had been the right thing to do. The responsible thing. And that’s what Deran was trying to be now: responsible. It had been easy to wear that mantle before when the people he was being compared to were Craig and Baz. But now he had to be actually responsible. He felt like he had been doing an alright job of that so far. Not letting his feelings walk him into old and messy comforts with Adrian felt like further proof of that.

If only those facts were helping quiet his mind enough to fall asleep. He tossed and turned, flipped his pillow over, tried about every sleeping position that he could but he just couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Finally, he say upright and dragged his hands down his face. He muttered a quiet, “Fuck this,” to himself before kicking off his blanket. He got out of bed, grabbing the baby monitor as he went, and made his way out to the living room.

The house was almost pitch-black, but he’d been there long enough to have memorized the layout of it. He could maneuver through in the darkness without hurting himself. It helped that he didn’t have much in the way of furniture aside from the essentials. Eventually he supposed he should get around to changing that. Make a house into a home and whatever other things Smurf would always say that were annoying but also kind of true.

Adrian was passed out on the couch. He had the blanket pulled up to his chin even though it wasn’t cold. He looked more relaxed than Deran had seen him in a long time. Probably since the last time Deran saw him while he was asleep, which was longer ago than he wanted to think about.

Setting the baby monitor on the floor in front of the couch, Deran manage to slither between Adrian and the back of the sofa. He pulled the blanket over himself as well, managing to create a nice little pocket of space for himself. Adrian stirred at the disturbance, but didn’t open his eyes at first.

“Hey,” he mumbled, mostly into the pillow.

Deran chuckled, slipping his arm so that his hand was resting comfortably against Adrian’s stomach. “Hey.”

Old instincts kicked in and he threaded his fingers with Deran’s against the fabric of his t-shirt. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Deran shook his head, nose brushing against Adrian’s hair. He smelled like shampoo mostly, but Deran could’ve sworn that he could still smell the salt water clinging to his hair too. He smelled like home. As the warmth emanating off his back seeped into Deran’s chest, he had to admit that he felt like home too.

“Uh, yeah,” Deran said, “something like that.”

He couldn’t tell that Adrian had opened his eyes. He stared out into the darkness of the living room, his eyes slowly adjusting to the lack of light. He saw a tiny green light blinking on the floor and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face.

“You bring the baby monitor out here with you?”

Deran huffed out a laugh, his breath warm against the back of Adrian’s neck. “Shut up.” He didn’t even try to sound annoyed. Wouldn’t have mattered if he did, because he was pulling Adrian tighter to him as he said it.

As their soft laughter faded to hums, and then to silence, Deran couldn’t help but to feel a sense of déjà vu. Everything was different now, but this felt so very much the same. Like the uncomfortable mattresses and cramped backseats of countless cars while they traveled through Belize and everywhere else. The world changed, and they did too, but this didn’t. At least, Deran hoped that it didn’t, not too much.

It wouldn’t be long before the sky outside turned from black to grey, then grey to blue. They’d only have a few hours before tomorrow became today in earnest. Deran was hoping to hold that off for as long as possible. Tomorrow came with more questions that he wasn’t sure he had the right answers to. Tomorrow had hard and heavy conversations that Deran had been rehearsing in his head for months but wasn’t sure he’d memorized all the lines the way he wanted. Tomorrow Adrian could wake up and remember that he was angry about the hell that Deran and the rest of his family had put him through. He could look across the kitchen table at him and decide that whatever he was hoping they could have here, wasn’t possible. Tomorrow had too much packed into it and it hadn’t even arrived yet.

Before his thoughts could carry him too far away, Deran felt Adrian curl into him. Whatever tomorrow and all the days after ended up being, they had the next few hours to not have to think or worry about any of it. Packed snug together on the couch, Deran did his best to let this be what it was and nothing more. The less he thought about it, and the more he focused on Adrian’s soft, slow breathing, the easier it became to close his eyes. Not even the sunrise in a few hours would be enough to wake them up. They’d sleep as long as the baby would let them.