#long form posts

But being like this you sort of have to be aware of exclusionists and the mess that entails. Honestly though for stuff like neopronouns and gender that train has already started to die down. Like sure, there are a lot of assholes getting pissy about it but most of the people I know are fine with that stuff and aren't going to bat an eye. Like sure, trans stuff is still a nightmare and I'm not going to pretend it's not, or that it's not getting worse, especially for trans women but in the trans community itself and among a good amount of other queer people neopronouns and fringe identities are growing to be less of an issue. I can introduce myself to people with my full set of pronouns and have my list in a full pronoun page and I generally don't get harassed because people as a whole are getting better about this stuff.

Because of this and because of being more aware of this than other people I tend to pick up on other things that exclusionists do target. Mainly anyone using the 'wrong' sexuality label. While for most people new labels and new niche identities are fine, when someone has a complicated gender alignment it gets tricky when they identify as gay or lesbian. Though admittedly it usually turns up with lesbian more than often because just like with the truscum movement it tends to be us trans men cannibalizing the most.

Now for someone who's uninformed I get why this all may seem ridiculous. With such confirmed definitions how can a man be a lesbian or a woman be gay (in a non all encompassing term)? But I think a lot of people miss how important these communities can be for trans people. While I know for a lot of people this also has to do with how gender collides with sexuality and you can't discount that just because you want to be an asshole but even without that why are you trying to take people from this groups that are way safer for trans people than straight ones? When we're all facing such hard times I don't get how people ignore how devastating it can be to be driven away from these communities. Many trans men who like women or trans women that like men started in these communities and a lot of them hold on to that attachment. It's cruel to take that away just because you think those labels don't fit that person.

I think some of the same can be said for m-spec lesbian/gay people. Looking beyond the fact that sexuality is a spectrum people can fall in and out of and the fact that historical presidents exist these communities have a lot of overlap. Sure unlike with trans people they might not have fit into these communities at the start and it's not the exact same situation but these communities are still important spaces for a lot of people. When someone needs to fit in other spaces with people that have a queer attraction to men or a queer attraction to women I know these terms can be useful and while I can't say I know everything about them I still respect the hell out of them.

Beyond all of this I think the rigid separation and enforcement of labels can hurt the community more than ever help. At the end of the day we're all queer and while labels can help in confirming yourself and who you really are I don't think they should be small clubs and groups so separate from all the rest. I know from someone who has a collection of genders that's niche and probably has like 1 or 2 other people using some of them if that sort of means nothing. Obviously with a rift like that I'm not relating to anyone but I still feel it's a pretty lonely way to go about things. I just think it's better to accept people and those labels because at the end of the day that's just another queer person trying to get by. We aren't enemies, we aren't hurting each other just by existing so just let people exist with whatever labels they want. Thier definition of a label may not be exactly what you expect of that but it fits them so just let them use it and bring out a little more queer joy into the world.

Transmedicalism doesn't really make any sense.

Which is funny because this is coming from someone who used to be in these kinds of spaces. It was before I realized I was trans, a whole can of worms in and of itself, and I didn't realize partially due to the spaces I was in.

There are better videos and posts on this with mounds of evidence and papers and whatnot so don't take this post as your only sourse but this was on my mind for a while and I had to get it out.

It's such a sad state of being when you boil down being trans to the suffering people face. Not everyone has dysphoria because for some people their bodies are fine, they just happen to be a guy or a girl. Others aren't anything, both or something else entirely. It doesn't matter how you're trans because there's no right way to be trans. Gender is complicated and acting like it isn't really only hurts people.

This wasn't what I always believed, and this isn't what everyone believes either even if it's true.

Honestly, a lot of people would call me a trender now even though I have some pretty bad dysphoria. Mostly because my gender isn't binary, I support all trans people and I don't pass. I don't even really care about passing too much, I feel good when people call me a guy but I like skirts, I like looking cute and that doesn't change the fact that I am a guy. Cis men can do the same things and we don't berate them like we do trans men, mostly anyways.

Even I probably would have made fun of myself as a kid because I was in all of these spaces. Anyone who was on YouTube in 2018 knows how toxic the community was. I was really young back then and just figuring out I wasn't CitHet though at the time I thought I was Cis. My parents weren't supportive and I didn't have anyone to talk to so I used YouTube for escapism. I loved Kalvin Garrah because at the time he was the only trans youtuber I knew existed. I ate up every single piece of gay media and because of that I fell down the Truscum pipeline.

None of those spaces are really happy, it's hard to be when your entire identity as a trans person is built around hating other trans people. Anyone who didn't have dysphoria, anyone who didn't fit in were the scum of the earth and 'trenders'.

The funny thing (or sad thing really) is that a lot of people they bullied actually fit into the boxes they assigned for 'good' trans people. They had dysphoria, they were binary. The only difference was the fact that they looked trans. If you didn't look cis, if you even touched the color pink, if you didn't praise the cis overlords, the cis gods, you were a trender. Honestly it took saying you supported all trans people to be called one. Then once you were a trender you were the enemy, you didn't deserve to live, you didn't deserve to exist because you were faking something, even if you weren't. Breden, Milo, everyone else deserved so much better than being bullied, for some of them bullied off the internet. They didn't get that though and that breaks my heart that some of these people even died because other trans people hated them so much.

I've even seen someone say that if you were proud of being trans that made you a trender and isn't that just sad? Where are we at when not hating yourself means you're lying about your own expiriences. Sure for a lot of people being trans isn't easy, but that doesn't mean you have to hate yourself at all times. Why should we wallow in sorrow when we could be happy? Why do you want to take away trans joy?

The thing is, even if some of these people are faking, at the end of the day who does it actually hurt? There are a lot of arguments to this but most of them don't really make sense.

One of the main things I see are that fake trans people are hogging up trans health care. And I get this! Surgury isn't cheap, hormones aren't cheap and a lot of times there feels like a limited amount. But the thing is that there isn't, it's just that we aren't visible and Cis people don't want to put any effort into helping us. By deviding the community you're really just making it easier for Cis people to deny us, making it harder for everyone to get healthcare and laying down while our rights are being taken away.

We can see the effects of this aready, florida, texas, everywhere it is getting harder and harder to get healthcare and a lot of this is because we're so busy fighting each other that we're not fighting for our collective rights. If we said fuck it and actually worked together maybe we wouldn't have had to worry about this.

Another argument I see is the classic 'if they transition their going to give themselves dysphoria' which is kind of weird since like, not every trans person wants to transition? Those that do often feel euphoria from having their bodies match their brain. Others just change how they look outwardly and that's enough to feel like themselves. Why does it matter what genatallia people have? You don't actually know if they have dysphoria, you are not them and do not get to decide what is best for them. Even if transitioning isn't what's best for them why would bullying them off the internet help anything?

The last argument pretty much boild down to 'you'll make us look wierd in front of the cis' and like, who cares? Why do you want to be a cis bootlicker? Why do you want to uphold a white patriarchal version of gender like it's the default?

You aren't getting any points by being a Cis persons lapdog. You do not get extra points for being a token trans. It will not save you from the trans genocide, when all of us are killed, when all of us are dead because we looked different, because we look trans, because we aren't binary, they aren't going to love you. You are not suddenly going to sit at their table because you're one of the 'good ones'. They don't respect you, they respect what you bring them, a talking point, a symbol of not being a bad person because one trans person likes you. When you are done, when your token is spent in the vending machine of cis power you'll be killed just like the rest of us. You aren't their friend, they don't love you. They just want to use you until your use is up.

It took a long time for me to learn all this, it took a long time to accept myself as a trans man and an even longer time to realize I'm a bit more than that but I'm so much happier now. I was miserable as a Transmed because I hated myself and everyone around me. I don't know if this will reach anyone or change any minds but I put it out there so now I can stop thinking about this. If you're a transmed I hope you can at least think about this and maybe stop bullying other trans people.

Anyways, peace out.

I need something to sing about 

I need a reason to sing without doubt. 

These red emotions are a constant. 

Wishing away this resistance.

But, those days are a distant memory-Plaid shirts, a melody, and the smell of the sweet sweet winter. 

I've trapped myself in.  This winter storm is taking over 

The attempt to be satisfied.

The trial of hoping, waiting... how dare I? 

Christmas break will do me good. 

The fog will leave- it should. 

Hate me or love me- I know I'm misunderstood. 

But Darlin', when I am weak, then I am strong. Grace is my shield and Christ my song. 

Don't let me go, don't leave me dead and alone lying here singing to the worlds twisted symphony. 

I can't go on without you, I can't live without you. 

Lord, sing to me a sweet sweet melody, sing it over me. 

I need a reason to sing. 

Can't you see that I need you here, I need to know that you are holding the whole world in your hands. I need to know that you are still as sovereign as you were before. I must know that you will sing over me. 

Be my beautiful, sweet, sweet song. 

May the symphony flow right into the elegance of your song that you've been singing. 

You are the beauty, and you are the reason that I'm singing. 

You are singing over me. 

no longer do I sing to the worlds twisted symphony, trapped inside their misery.  They treated me like I was a piece of stolen poetry, but I tore those pages and now I can finally breathe.  I reached for your hand and you reached for mine, I wanted separation from the world who hated me the most, I wanted you, I want you, I need you!  Lord, Carry me home tonight… because in you I find rest in the confusion.  In you, I find rest in the turmoil.  in you, I find rest when the riots stir.  In you, I find rest the chaos and disorder.  In you, I am whole, I AM YOURS!

In you, I find rest♥

It's been quite sometime since I've written much of anything on here. . My life lately has been filled with nothing but happiness, emotions, lessons. joy, and resting. It's been hard to rest, but it's been good to constantly remind myself who's really in control, and who I really need to trust. It's hard, but it's so humbling to know that you aren't the one in control, and your will is imperfect, but His will is perfect. These past few months have been a challenge, but such a humbling experience. Lesson after lesson, and waiting, waiting, waiting. How I'm trying so hard to patiently wait. Pray that the Lord will give me patience to wait, rest, trust, and surrender everything to him. Love you ♥

"As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer, do not delay, O my God!"-Psalm 40:17  

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord."-Psalm 40:1-3

In just a few days I'll be heading back to Spokane.  This summer has been a huge whirlwind, and I have no idea where the time has gone.  All I can say is that this summer I had more happy tears than anything, and this summer I had some sad tears, but most of all I've been reminded of the miracles of grace, and i've been reminded of the sovereignty of God, and I've also been reminded that we as believers need to press on even when the battle gets hard. Even when we are in a tidal wave, we still press on.  

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. : (Philippians 3:12-16 ESV)

The happy tears.  The tears of seeing Nashville for the very first time.  I have dreamt of Nashville ever since I was a little girl. My dream has always been to live there, and start a career there.  I've always wanted most of my dreams to take place right there in Nashville.  The kindness of the people, the music that had overtaken the streets from every corner, ever bar, and ever restaurant, and the reality of knowing that Nashville is where you want to be for the rest of your life.

Leaving Nashville. Hard, and I miss it. Can I go back now? 

The Lord gave me a desire of my heart this summer, a dream. The Lord gave me the opportunity to go to Nashville. A mini miracle, I like to call that. 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.: Psalm 37:4

Of David. Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. ..: Psalm 37:1-4

As for the sad tears: I'll leave you with this, 

I haven't written much lately, and I've been thinking a lot about sacrifice. I've also been extremely convicted about sacrifice. Lately I've been trying to answer the question, "What does sacrifice really mean?" 

Sacrifice: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy. 

I think often of this definition. I think of how convicting it really is. I also think of how little I really do sacrifice. The Lord is teaching me sacrifice. Giving up something is so very hard to do. It's proven to be true, because we all have faced this at one time or another. Maybe it's giving up the plans you had over the weekend to spend more time with your family, or maybe it's something as little as giving up your time out of your busy schedule to just be still. I've experienced both of these, and it's hardest for me to just sit and be still. I'm always wanted something to do, whether it be writing, or blogging, or tweeting, hanging with friends and so on. If I'm not doing anything, than I'm bored and I'm anxious to find something to do. I don't ever just want to sit there because sitting there can be no fun. Sometimes though, sitting there is the best thing that you can do. 

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." 

How often we forget to do that. I know I do, and I know you do too. We all do. We all go on with our busy lives and we forget. But we also forget how much our Savior loves us, and wants us to run to him, to repent, to surrender, to sacrifice. We don't though. We think thoughts like: 

You can have everything God, but just not this. 

If only I could keep this than I would surrender everything.

God, I want to but I just can't give this up.

Time is too important

This is too important

When we think such thoughts (and I know that we all have) we are just smacking God in the face. Living for Christ isn't holding on, it's letting go and moving forward. It's sacrificial, and it's not always easy. It's a lifestyle. You are either all in or your all out. You can't be in between. Being a Christ follower involves sacrifices. Those sacrifices may be your friends, your old lifestyle, your obsession, your boyfriend or girlfriend... those things are hard to let go of, but letting go of it in order to have a life with Christ is so rewarding and so beautiful. 

After all, isn't Christ the ultimate sacrifice? He sacrificed himself so that we may spend eternity with him. He sacrificed himself because he loves us that much. He was crucified and than resurrected on the third day so that he may be glorified and that we may spend eternity with him. Isn't that the most beautiful sacrifice? Christ is the ultimate sacrifice!

"He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world" 1 John 2:2

"This is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

So than what are we doing as we go about our everyday lives? Are we really fully sacrificing our time, our obsessions, and so on?  We as believers should surrender, and sacrifice our time so that he may be glorified with the praises of our lips and to openly profess his name. So when I talk about sacrifice, I mean giving up something less important to be still and know that HE is God. Be with him today as you go about your busy day. Acknowledge who he is, sing to him, and praise Him. Whatever it is in your life that is holding you back from you relationship with the Lord, I do encourage you to release it, surrender, and turn back to him.

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise- the fruit of lips that openly profess his name." Hebrews 13:15

“It is easy to see that you and I have been created to worship. We’re flat-out desperate for it. From sports fanaticism to celebrity tabloids to all the other strange sorts of voyeurisms now normative in our culture, we evidence that we were created to look at something beyond ourselves and marvel at it, desire it, like it with zeal, and love it with affection. Our thoughts, our desires, and our behaviors are always oriented around something, which means we are always worshiping — ascribing worth to — something. If it’s not God, we are engaging in idolatry. But either way, there is no way to turn the worship switch in our hearts off.” (Matt Chandler, The Explicit Gospel, 103)

I love this quote, and I love Matt Chandler. Believe me, this post won't be the most profound post that you ever read, none of my posts really will be. I'm not the most profound person in the world :)  At the beginning of May, I spent my entire Sunday in a little coffee shop studying the word, writing, listening to a Matt Chandler sermon, and drinking French Press. Sounds like the perfect morning to you? Well it was.  Everything about that morning was perfect. A part of me will never forget such a morning I had. It was just me and Jesus in that moment while the background didn't even phase me. The background filled with people talking, catching up on life, doing homework, whatever it may be, not a single distraction from the background happened that morning. It was simply beautiful. That morning, I learned about God's glory, I focused on God's glory, and I was also reminded that God is good, he will always be good, No matter how far we try and run away from his will, and his plan, it doesn't matter... because no matter what, we are still going to be in his will and his plan, if we are a part of the body. There is no way of escaping what the Lord has planned for his, his will.  Such a morning as this one was filled with worship. It was a morning that sometimes I wish to bring back, because of the simplistic, beautiful, and raw worship, and time spent with the Lord. 

Why am I telling you all of this? I mean, why does worship even matter, why does being in the Lord's plan even matter, heck, why does any of this matter? I know your questions, I've asked them. Even though I might not answer all of these clearly, or understandably, I do want to answer them.  They matter because Christ matters.  They matter because we were made to worship, and bring glory to His name. If we are in his plan, we are bringing glory to His name.  Matt Chandler says it a little like this, that we can't not bring glory to God, or worship him because that's what we were made to do, we can't just turn the worship button in our hearts off. We are always worshipping something, and we are always bringing glory to something, if it's not God... than it's Idolatry.  This is what I took from this peaceful May morning in Chairs Coffee. We were made to worship.  Even through our suffering, we were made to worship.

"Yet, a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.  God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." (John 4:23-24)