#loki-centric

Known

There's something so intimate about being known. That feeling of having the darkest parts of one's soul be bared to another is both freeing and terrifying all at once. That sort of vulnerability is a rare jewel in most connections made. If it was easy to find, maybe the world would be better than it is now. But it's not. Trust such as that is hard to foster, and, thus, it's not seen often.

Loki knew that better than anybody.

Long before they were a Frost Giant stolen from their true home, Loki was still an outcast. Even as a child, they always seemed to be so separate from others. Being the younger sibling, they often found themselves hanging onto Thor and his friends more often than not. In this group, Loki was still the outcast. They were the butt of the joke, no matter the topic. Somehow, it always came back to insult thrown at the younger God for no good reason other than the ability to. Loki was not respected as a prince of Asgard in the same that Thor was. Somehow, even with the same title, Thor was always better than them. The worst part was that Loki loved their brother, adored him and idolized him through and through, but how could they ever compare to the child that had always been perfect without even trying?

As the pair grew, that love grew alongside Loki's resentment. They would never be good enough for Odin, and they would never be worth enough to warrant Frigga's proper protection. Yes, Loki's dear mother even contributed to their villainy in her way. Make no mistake, Loki loved Frigga more dearly than anybody else in the world, but even she had her faults.

Indulging, enabling Frigga. She had allowed Odin to go through with all of it. The lies, the betrayal, covering up Loki's true heritage. She had known that this child wasn't truly hers, and she never said a word. Perhaps she wasn't to blame for Loki's deflection, but she had to have some responsibility for Odin's lies, hadn't she?

Then again, she had known that Loki wasn't truly her own, and she loved them dearly anyway. That was where she and Odin differed, and perhaps that was why Loki pushed her guilt aside before. She had given him affection and care when Odin refused, and she had been good to the very end. She died not blameless but forgiven. At least, that's how Loki saw it. Perhaps Odin had deserved the same treatment, but Loki was unsure that they could ever forgive their adopted father for all he had done. They could allow themselves to love, care for, and grieve Odin, but they could not deign forgiveness. Not for him. Never for him.

So, a father who never cared to know them, and a mother who didn't dig deep enough to truly know the turmoil of her child's mind.

Then, there was Thor. Of course, Loki still held that small resentment towards their brother for him simply being the favorite, but the love for Thor had been there first, and it had staked its claim long before the hatred had even existed. Thor wasn't perfect, in the same way that Frigga wasn't, but he had never lost faith in them the way that everybody else did.

"Never forget how much I love you." Loki had said before the ceremony, and they had meant it. Their relationship with Thor had always been a volatile one, as sibling relationships often were, but there had always been love that nestled comfortably beside that annoyance. Love that made itself known in smiles that Thor cracked at one of Loki's pranks, in Loki's loving eye rolls when Thor nearly got himself killed doing stupid, in the way that Thor stood up to his friends for Loki's sake. Subtle, but it was there.

Even after New York, that love was still there. Loki knew they didn't deserve it. Sure, they had been mind controlled by Thanos, but they had still don't it. They had struck against the thing that Thor loved most in the Nine Realms – Midgard, Earth, humanity. They had taken lives that didn't deserve to be taken, they had hurt those who didn't deserve it, controlled those who shouldn't have been controlled. Loki knew they didn't deserve Frigga's visits to the dungeon, nor did they deserve Thor's visit and demand for revenge after she had been killed. They had deserved being shunned from her funeral. They weren't her child, not really, not in a way that mattered to anybody on Asgard.

So when Thor showed up and offered revenge, Loki was adrift in confusion and grief all at once. They had hurt Thor so fragrantly, and he still showed them infallible kindness and loyalty

It was unfair. Thor was supposed to hate them back. Why didn't he hate them back? Loki couldn't bear forgiveness. It was worse than being isolated from their big brother forever. Maybe that was why they faked their own death. Not for a throne, although that had been a happy accident, but so they could die doing one good thing and actually earn Thor's forgiveness. Because they knew that their awful guilt couldn't purify them for what they had done.

And, Norns, were they guilty. The screams of innocents were the ghosts to haunt their dreams at night. The feeling of that man squirming beneath them while they took his eye would forever writhe against their skin. The pleads of their big brother calling out to a less broken version of themselves would leave a mark on their very soul that they couldn't erase.

Because they weren't Thor's little brother anymore, not really. What Thanos had done to them had changed that wide-eyed little boy into a scarred and guarded man. A child who merely wanted to protect Asgard from harm had become the tortured soul that only wreaked havoc on others' worlds for the soul reason that they could. All of it happened simply because they had been thrown off of the Bifrost.

Although, Loki couldn't remember properly if they really had been thrown or if they had simply let go. The torture they had been through did not aid their already ailing memory. Everything before the battle of New York was a fuzzy blur. The fragments of memory being the tolls of the trauma they had gone through at the hands of Thanos. Loki had been found and kidnapped by Thanos and his children. Their power and abilities had earned them a nice cell on the ship, left alone for days while they begged for somebody to come looking for them. They went over the list each day of their captivity, whispering each name like a fervent prayer.

Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father. Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father.

Each day, their pleading became more desperate. Less of a prayer now and more of a whining plead for someone they loved to come and find them. And each day they spent without help was another day that a piece of their hope was lost. Locked away on a ship in space, nobody could hear the Odinchild's cries for someone to help them. The days became weeks, and each moment blended together in an unrecognizable blur. Loki had been left without anything to keep track of time, and they felt as though they had begun to lose their mind. The only times they had proof of a day passing was on the rare occasions that somebody would feed them. After every meal of scraps, their mind melted back into begging for their family to rescue them.

Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father. Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father.

Three weeks in is when the actual torture began. Torture that Loki's barely developed mind, at the time, couldn't comprehend to its full extent. They had died. Multiple times. But Thanos' abilities made it so Loki would come back each time, letting the poor god suffer a new death worse than the one before. The sort of suffering that a mortal man would've crumbled under within days. Loki, however, prided themselves on their resilience. They refused to break, they wouldn't break from this. They wouldn't lie down like a dog and let themselves fall apart.

Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father. Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father.

Their body being set ablaze, his limbs being torn off tendon by tendon, being shoved below water until their breath ran out, having their eyes carved from their sockets, electroshock therapy until their life force fizzled out, starved, and dehydrated. If Thanos or his children could think it, Loki was forced through it, and they were brought back each time. One death per day, two if Loki dared to act up. All to convince Loki to do the awful deed of taking over Midgard, and the tortured creature just wanted their family. They wanted to be a child again, curled up in their mother's lap and allowed to relax. Cowering beneath Odin's gaze, but knowing that their life would always be allowed to continue. Running into their big brother's room after a nightmare, searching for a hug or reassurance that all was well, or cowering behind Thor's cape for protection.

Norns above, they just wanted their big brother to rescue them and take out the bad guys like he always had.

Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father. Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father.

But nobody came. So Loki resisted as much as they could. They endured each horror, even getting to the point where certain tortures were repeated. Anything with fire or extreme heat seemed to be a favorite, and it affected Loki the worst considering his Frost Giant heritage. It got to a point where they were exposed to it daily, and even the safety of their cell was permeated with too much heat for them to handle. Still, Loki just begged for their family to come save them. Their family, Thor's friends, anyone who might have been listening.

Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father. Thor, Heimdall, Mother, Father. Sif, Hogun, Volstagg, somebody, anybody at all. Someone. Someone. Someone.

Loki had finally snapped after about six months of this. At least, it had felt like six months. They were given no way to track time, so this was a modest assumption. They broke down, as they were dragged from their cell to the room where most of the torture had taken place. Their sobs were mocked by Thanos' children, and it made them resist even more. They begged to be spared another death, and that was how they had conceded to invade New York.

And that was why they couldn't stop when Thor had begged them to. They couldn't face dying again. Worse, if Thanos got a hold of Thor somehow, they couldn't bear the idea of their beloved brother being subjected to the same torture. They just couldn't. That was what fueled them whilst under the mind stone's influence. It only went away after being attacked by the Hulk. That brute, despite Loki truly not liking it, had saved them, and the Avengers did what they had planned for. They stopped the invasion. It was subconscious, but Loki manipulated it to be that way. Because a deep part of themselves knew that Thanos would be no match for this ragtag group of heroes. One way or another, Loki would be free of the Mad Titan because of their actions.

That was before, of course, their neck had been snapped by the very same person, and that was before the TVA. Yes, the TVA. Where the two versions of Loki, the one who died the way they had been destined to and the variant, collided together into the beautiful branches of the multiverse. It had been a gradual change, but it happened in the end. The Loki that sat and held the multiverse together wasn't just a variant. They were every Loki that had ever existed and will ever exist. They weren't from the Sacred Timeline nor were they from any insignificant branch. They simply were Loki. In their purest form.

Of course, they wouldn't have been any of that without Mobius. Oh, their Mobius. Their lovely, beautiful Mobius. Loki had originally dismissed him as a creature like all the rest. They found mockery in his words, even if none had ever been there, and they built up a wall to protect themselves from getting hurt again. They wouldn't have another Frigga, they wouldn't have another Thor. They didn't want anybody's infallible loyalty and love simply because they didn't deserve it.

Almost by accident, Mobius wormed his way into Loki's stone heart regardless of their protests against it. His cheesy dad jokes, gentle compassion and praise, the way he looked at them like they had hung the stars. All of it was enough for Loki to drop the pretenses and trust again. They let themselves be that goofy God of Mischief that they had been before Thanos' torture.

Mobius had been exactly right when he called them a scared, little boy because he had brought out that hopeful child that Loki had been so long ago. They were an anxious child that clung to Mobius simply because he represented the sturdy confidant that Loki hadn't had since Thor. They hid behind Mobius because Mobius was just like Thor in the way of their loyalty.

The love, though, that was where Thor and Mobius differed. Thor had shown love the way only a brother could. Quips and bickering and pranks that ended in playful fights. Mobius' love was softer, gentler. It came in fleeting touches and kind words despite a betrayal. Their fights were far more serious, but they ended in a stronger bond that refused to be broken by time itself. To a point that when Loki had hugged Mobius so tightly at the end of time, they had the fleeting thought of capturing his chapped lips in a sweet kiss.

Because Mobius knew them. Mobius understood them in a way nobody else ever had. He knew the most awful parts of their history, and he loved them anyway. He loved them despite all they had been through and all they done, just like Thor had, and it cracked their shell.

Then, there was Sylvie. Norns, had that been a complicated relationship. When they first met, she had a fire that Loki had forgotten they had ever possessed. She was ruthless, and she was indestructible. Hell, Loki wondered if she would've been better at surviving the torture they had been through. She was strong yet graceful all at once. Perfect in ways that Loki could only envy. They had to wonder how such a perfect copy of them could be so messed up, but they understood when she finally explained it.

That moment on Lamentis had been one of pure weakness. They hadn't felt cornered like this before, so when they saw their death laid out in front of them, they broke. Although they didn't know it at the time, the Nexus event hadn't been them falling in love with Sylvie at all. No, it had been their acceptance of their own demise. Sylvie, too, of course. A Loki wasn't meant to give up. They were the cockroaches of every existing Asgard, refusing to die whenever somebody laid waste to them. The kiss they shared with Sylvie afterward proved that fully. They didn't love her, not in any sort of romantic way, but they did care for her. She was the first friend they had in a long time; they just couldn't tell the difference from romance and friendship.

And as their time in the TVA came to end, Loki knew well what friendship was. They knew that losing their friends in the TVA hurt, and it was enough to make the sacrifice a free life to save everyone. It was horribly cheesy, but the power of friendship had somehow been the thing to save the multiverse. And Loki knew it, as they stepped up to be the protector of all time. They could be the one to watch, even if it meant a life away from their friends, their brother, their Mobius. They would give up their very soul to keep their loved ones safe.

As time passed, Loki realized a few things about their newfound power. For one, their illusion projection and duplication casting still worked. From there, Loki began projecting themselves in the timeline their original self, the one who died at Thanos's hand, had come from. The timeline where their brother was, where their friends had gone to live their lives, and where their Mobius had gone back to be with his children.

They visited Thor first, and they met his new child, Love. Loki adored her, and she had taken to calling them Uncle Loki rather quickly. Thor was overjoyed at Loki's return, and he made them swear to visit as often as possible. They agreed, of course, and the rest of the afternoon was spent with a tour of New Asgard, a party, a lot of drinking, and a drunk pair of siblings passing out in Thor's living room.

Next was Sylvie. She had settled herself back into a comfortable fast food job. Loki was thrilled for her, and the two had a heart-to-heart about the happenings of the TVA. For the first time, Loki allowed themselves to forgive, and Sylvie as well. Neither of them had friends before now, and they were both unwilling to let go. Just an easy friendship, doing normal things like getting wine drunk and gossiping. Normal things.

Then, Loki finally saw Mobius again. They hadn't seen him cry before this, but he wailed like a baby at the sight of his Loki standing at his front door. The hug they shared was long, their first kiss even longer. They didn't establish anything officially, but they really didn't need to. Loki knew that Mobius and them had always been together in some capacity. It was the same now, just involving more kissing, cuddling, and sex.

After a month of this, Thor had started to insist upon Loki being reintroduced to the Avengers. They weren't sure why he was so insistent upon it. Loki had all they needed in life. A loving husband and two wonderful children, friends like Sylvie and B-15 that they hung out with on a regular basis, and they had their brother back. They didn't need the complications of the Avengers to be thrown into the mix.

Still, they somehow ended up attending a party of Tony Stark's. Yes, somehow he had survived the Infinity Gauntlet and was alive and well, throwing lavish parties where the Avengers all gathered with their friends. The tower didn't exist anymore, but they had a new facility — the Avengers Compound. Loki had received a bare minimum tour from their brother, but they could tell that the facility was nice, almost better than the lavish tower and penthouse.

Despite their fears, the party with their presence went better than they expected. They were waiting to be thrown out or cast away. Not that they didn't deserve it, of course. Last the Avengers knew, they were the one responsible for the destruction of New York all those years ago. They were indirectly responsible for Stark's PTSD and Clint's aversion to letting go of control. They had hurt so many people here. They deserved to be cast out.

But then, they got to talking with Natasha. It seems she had heard Loki's full story from Thor and Banner. All of the good they had tried to do since New York. They asked for her forgiveness, and she gave it. She understood what Loki had gone through, having experienced her own torture in the Red Room. You're just as much of a monster as I am. She had told them with that winning smile of hers. She suspected that Loki's little rant to her at the time was aimed more at themselves than her. She was right, Loki knew that now. But nonetheless, she understood.

Forgiveness was harder to come by from the others, as to be expected. Although, they hadn't expected Clint to be so easily cleared away. He had suffered the most at their hands, out of the Avengers. He didn't forgive them necessarily, but he was talking to them for a short portion of the night. The two traded their fair share of insults, to be sure, but there wasn't any violence behind it. He stopped them before they left wit Thor at the end of the night, and he told them a soft this was fun. It wasn't a sign of a mended bridge, but it was something.

Stark was… standoffish. Loki noticed it from the moment they entered the room with Thor. They didn't go out of their way to speak to him, nor did he to them. However, Loki shared a knowing look with him when the Avengers all sat in a circle towards the end of the night. While the rest were distracted with idle chatter, Loki had glanced in the billionaire's direction. Tony didn't say a word, as they locked eyes. He simply sighed and gave Loki a stiff nod. In Stark language, it was a way of saying you're alright. At least, that's what Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes had told them later on.

Sam and Bucky were new additions. Loki hadn't met them before, at least. It seemed they knew of Loki and what they had done. Sam was quiet when Loki first approached the pair on their own, but Bucky's wall seemed to crumble when Loki introduced themself. It seemed that the Winter Soldier and the God of Mischief had more in common than Loki would've assumed. After fifteen minutes of gentle chatter between the pair, Sam cracked a joke about something Loki had said. Something like God, Bucky, there's two of you? It made Loki giggle, and Sam smiled right back at them, finally giving his name with a short oh, I'm Sam, by the way.

Wanda and Vision were a breath of fresh air when Loki stumbled into the kitchen. They walked in on the couple and sheepishly asked if they had any snacks. Vision was immediately hospitable, offering Loki some of the freshly baked cookies he and Wanda had made. They're still warm! Wanda had chirped with a grin. Accepting one ended in almost an hour long conversation with the three. Turns out, the mind stone connection they all shared made friendship easier. The interaction ended with Wanda and Vision inviting Loki, Mobius, and their boys over for a play date with the twins (Wanda had twin boys with Vision! Loki didn't want to know how that worked). You're all welcome anytime! Vision had called to them as they exited the kitchen.

Then, it all came down to the Captain. Captain America. Steve Rogers. America's most righteous man. Loki wasn't expecting forgiveness from him. They knew that what Loki had done was against everything that Captain stood for. Besides, Loki knew well that they didn't deserve Steve's forgiveness. They didn't deserve the forgiveness of a righteous man. They hadn't earned that, so they weren't expecting it.

"Loki." The God had been sitting in their own for awhile now, seeking a brief respite from the bustling party at some point in the middle. They found a lounge room off of the main area, and they sat down to collect themselves. They loved parties, of course, but this one had just been so much at once. They hadn't spoken to somebody in about an hour, which is why they startled at the sight of the Captain in the doorway.

"Captain." Loki laughed, anxiety lacing their tone. Steve leaned against the doorframe, a smile gracing his features. It wasn't mocking or teasing, just a genuine smile being flashed in their direction.

"Having fun?" Steve asked, taking their words as an invitation to come and sit beside them. Loki swallowed thickly and nodded. A gentle silence fell over the pair for a good while, and Loki wondered what the Captain was thinking. Was he thinking of how to lay into them about what they had done? They knew that he just had to hate them for what they had done. He was Captain America, after all. He was the picture of everything good on Midgard. He was the hero of man. He—

"Bucky said that you and him have a coffee date next week." Steve spoke casually, as if he wasn't speaking to Loki, like he was speaking to some other Avenger.

"Not a romantic date. I'm happily taken." Loki muttered defensively, wondering if Steve had been attempting to catch them in some kind of scandal.

"No, I know." Steve chuckled. "It's just…" He fumbled with his words. "I was just happy to hear that you two were talking. You two have a lot in common, uh, backstory wise." Loki froze up a bit, glancing back at the Captain.

"What?"

"The whole mind control thing?" Steve laughed, eyebrows furrowing at Loki's tone. "Didn't he tell you? He said that he—"

"No, he did. The birdman, uh Sam, actually made a joke about that. Something about how there's two of Bucky now." Loki fiddled with the edge of their sleeve, fingers dancing over the fabric in a gentle pattern. "I just… I didn't figure you knew about my predicament. Or, ah… believed it."

"Why wouldn't I?" Steve pressed.

"Because of what I did." Loki almost whispered that, their voice practically shaking with anxiety. "I don't deserve to be forgiven for New York. I know that."

"You weren't in your right mind."

"But I still did it."

"But what have you done since then?"

"I've betrayed my own brother countless times, I took over Asgard, indirectly got my father killed, and I died by getting my neck snapped like a damn coward." Loki's voice was uneasy now, harsh and sharp with their guilt and absolution. They didn't look at the Captain, staring ahead with an expression of stone. Steve pulled back, startled by the change in their demeanor. After a bout of awkward silence, he spoke again.

"That's not what Thor and Bruce told us."

"What did they tell you then, Captain?"

"They told us that you nearly sacrificed yourself to save the people of Asgard. Thor said you could've killed yourself while setting of Ragnarok." Steve began. "Bruce said you stood up to Thanos to save him, and Thor said you let Thanos kill you to save him. Thor also told us about the Time Variance Authority and how you're really sitting at the end of time and holding our world and all others together. He told us that you sacrificed yourself to do that. How you risked sacrificing a life with your family and friends to save them."

Loki was quiet. "In short, Loki, he told us that you became a hero." The God felt their bottom lip shake, and their gaze fell towards their lap. They had told Thor about the TVA, and, of course, he already knew about everything before that. They didn't think that any of their actions since New York mattered. They assumed that what they had done was unforgivable. They didn't believe that their brother could ever see them as any kind of hero. Because they weren't a hero. The good things they had done had merely been ways of atonement for what they had done in New York.

"I didn't-" Loki choked on the words. "I did not know he thought that of me."

Steve nodded, "He does. Most of us do, actually." The captain shrugged. "What happened in New York can't be washed away or ignored, Loki, and I think you know that—"

"I know, Captain. I know that."

"But," Steve continued. "we won't hold it against you forever. You've made a change, you've saved lives, you've helped people. Not everyone here forgives you, but none of us think you're a monster anymore. You're… more of an Avenger now." Steve flashed another winning smile, and Loki returned it with their own weak one.

He was right. They weren't a monster anymore. They weren't the outcast that they had been brought up to be. They weren't the villain or evil beast. They were imperfect, flawed, just a bit more human than before. They had allowed themselves to be known, and they reaped the rewards of trusted friends, a team, family, and even a husband and children. In their quest for atonement, they had accidentally become a hero. Become known. For once, Loki had a small army of people that saw them, the deepest parts of them. The ugliness, the trauma, the darkest parts of their soul.

"Thank you, Steve." Loki muttered back, taking the captain's hand and allowed themselves to be led back into the party.

There's something so intimate about being known. That feeling of having the darkest parts of one's soul be bared to another is both freeing and terrifying all at once. That sort of vulnerability is a rare jewel in most connections made. If it was easy to find, maybe the world would be better than it is now. But it's not. Trust such as that is hard to foster, and, thus, it's not seen often.

Loki knew that better than anybody.