I’ve been a lesbian for six years, and only in the last half a year or so have I doubted that. That half a year has honestly been the most miserable time I’ve ever had.
When I was younger and questioning my sexuality, it didn’t feel wrong to change labels when they didn’t feel right, but I always went back. This was different. I have no romantic or sexual attraction to men at all whatsoever. Apart from noticing that they can be nice or physically attractive, I have felt no attraction to men in years.
I dated a man because I honestly liked the way it felt to have someone rely on me in almost a motherly way. I love affection from friends, I love feeling like I can be someone’s shoulder to lean on, I don’t care if my friends lay on me or want me to put my arm around them or whatever. I eat that shit up. The thing is though, he wasn’t my fucking son, and it wasn’t a friend thing with him, he was a person who had feelings for me. Once it became apparent to me that this was a man, and a man who liked me at that, all feeling went away, and I just felt resentment towards him. It wasn’t even his fault.
I think it’s easy for lesbians to get caught up thinking that it’s wrong to be a lesbian because of the harshness people associate lesbians with, because people don’t take female sexuality seriously, because people treat gay men with no disrespect, but turn around and criticize lesbians for being too exclusive.
I just want to be a lesbian in peace like i have for the last 5+ years. Why should I feel the need to change my sexuality to make my family or my friends happy? Why should I have to change my sexuality to include people I’m not actually attracted to?
I’ve been really confused about who I am lately but I am no “lesbian unless I find a dude I like” or “political lesbian” or “lesbian cause men are annoying haha lol”
I am attracted to women. Exclusively. I can only see myself with a woman. I can only see myself loving a woman. I can only see myself having a future and a real relationship with a woman. Being with a man is not an option for me, because I could never be happy with one the way I am happy with a woman. There is no choice.
I am a lesbian, no matter how confused I may get. I am a lesbian, and it’s about time that I start respecting myself for who I am.
