#ljoerk

dear byunghun, 

          i’ve tried to write this letter a million times. i must’ve written that many and tossed them. there’s nothing any letter could say that could make up for how i treated you, for how i took advantage of your love for me, for how i broke your heart because mine was fragile, weak, already a wreck. i don’t even really deserve to say anything to you, i know. it’s been years and i . . . it’s too fucked up to say i miss you. i wish you were still here following your dream but maybe your dream changed. maybe i never really knew your dreams. i used to always assume i did and i’m sorry for that. i’m sorry for everything but i know sorry doesn’t mean anything. sorry doesn’t fix or change anything. sorry doesn’t change how horrible i was to you. 

          i like to think i’ve changed. i want to think i’ve changed and lately it makes me think of you. of how you were the right guy at the wrong time. of how one rejection or one small bit of doubt could terrify me away from you. i hated myself for being so insecure. i hated myself for letting you think i didn’t trust you but it was me. it was always me. scared you’d realize there’s other girls better than me, that they could love you better than i could, give you children the way i couldn’t promise, and wasn’t so threatened by how nice you are. because it is one of your best qualities. 

          i used to think, what made me different from the other girls you’re nice to? i let my own insecurities build up instead of taking your word for it. it was all me. i took every little thing and over-analyzed it. i told you that once before and then i just . .. . . . . i got so close. i thought i could do it. i thought i could finally let go and love you the way you deserved but that trip scared me. i scared myself because i was willing to risk my own life. my dad, he moved on too. my whole family .. .... .  cassie has two kids now. not just one but two and she’s so healthy and i just . . . part of me still thinks i won’t have kids but i hope you do. i hope you have every single bit of happiness i couldn’t give you. i hope you look in the mirror one day and understand why i put you on such a high pedestal. 

“so when i met my friends – the ones that stuck – it meant the world to me. obviously i don’t see taemin as a replacement father or joey as an older brother to replace my stepbrother or anything but they’re suitable stand-ins because i know i couldn’t go to my actual family for anything. i’ve known taemin for a while and he just always seemed to be there for me and handle it in a good way. of course he isn’t perfect or wise with age as i imagine an actual father would be but taemin is the next best thing. i’m really sorry that i don’t get to see him more often because he deserves better than just being an outlet for me because i feel like i have no one else to turn to. but i’m so lucky to have him to turn to in the first place.

as for joey, he’s really good to me even though we bicker a lot. i know it’s just his way of showing affection towards me. we’re playful but he still cares and supports me through everything and i think i’m lucky in that respect. i’m an only child and i’m not close to my stepbrother by any means but i feel like i’ve gained a brother in joey in a way. he’s in america still and i miss him so much.”

she smiles, albeit sadly, because she misses the both of them dearly. although taemin was just a text and meet-up away, joey was not. she could always talk to them but timezones and schedules and the like made them too busy to. it was almost lonely in that respect. she wonders if they missed her too.

“then there’s yubin and jiwon. who serve as my sisters. i’ve known yubin since i was 12? 11? something like that. and she’s always adopted the older sister role even though i feel like i’m the one who is usually taking care of her.” sohee laughs. “i’m glad that i still know yubin today. as for jiwon, she’s younger than me by a few years but i feel like i’m always learning from her. i think it has to do with the fact that she’s more out there than i am. more explorative and experimental. it’s nice to learn from her but also nice to have someone there. right there because she’s always training right besides me. i think my experiences with yubin unnie and jiwonnie kinda made me realise that maturity and experience aren’t always linked to age.”

she licks her lips, almost tempted to mention rachel but she decides against it. rachel was a closed chapter. gone, just as she had left a while ago. she didn’t think re-opening it would be a good idea. she think it was best it remained that way. she smiles sadly at the thought, knowing there’s more to tell. instead she moves on to the next friend.