for what it's worth *

with their comeback beginning to loom over their heads, there wasn’t much time until they would be in full swing and there would be no reprieve for them. sohee began to take advantage of what time they had left. so, she joins hyuna on the couch to eat some cereal and mindlessly watch television before they had to get ready and leave.

it strikes sohee has funny that fans expect them to live such extravagant lifestyles but here they were, eating cereal and watching television like any normal person. fans would probably be disappointed if they knew. but that’s what sohee always found funny. their perception of idols (and celebrities in general) was strange.

speaking of fans, sohee’s thoughts redirected once again to their comeback. namely, the tickets. “hey do you know who you’re giving your tickets to when the showcase happens for our comeback?” sohee had no idea. not only were most of her friends in her very group but any of her other friends have debuted. she just had leftover tickets. well, she could give it to her cousin if he’d come.... “would you be interested in my extra ones in case you need them?”

sohee felt utterly ridiculous.

having her crush on vanessa was fine. whatever. it was really obvious vanessa thought nothing of it. sohee was just cute to her. a friend (maybe not best friend -- does ness consider them best friends? sohee knows she does) and nothing more. sohee had long since accepted that nothing was ever going to come of her and ness. she wasn’t sad about it. they were in a group for crying out loud. how could anything come out of that?

but sejeong hit her like a ton of bricks. sejeong was always flirty and playful. she hasn’t changed a bit in the entire time she’s known her but it seemed like sohee’s reception of sejeong changed without her even realising it. sejeong always flustered sohee but now sejeong flustered her and made her heart skip a beat. she wasn’t sure where along the line it happened but now whenever she looks at sejeong she can feel her face heat up.

she’s also thought of what it would be like to kiss sejeong and that alone was alarming enough for sohee to know it wasn’t some puppy hopeless crush like with vanessa. it was real. she had to accept it. she, kim jiyeon, had a crush on kim sejeong. her groupmate. she wanted to die.

“uh, sejeongie?” they were getting ready for the day to head off for practise in isacs. sohee had ssireum with sejeong and she honestly couldn’t practise play-wrestling with sejeong without freaking out. she wouldn’t be able to explain it then. might as well nip it in the bud now. “can i tell you something?”

k.kjy:

my mona lisa ❤️ thank you so much for all of the years by my side meeting you was such a lucky day for me, huh? i love you so much~~ our leader mona ❣️ happy birthday 🥰

rksejeong​:

Sejeong was close to falling asleep when she felt the other start moving. She hoped that she wasn’t the cause of disturbing Sohee, but she wasn’t about to move away either.  She nuzzled closer, burying her nose into the back of Sohee’s neck.  It was comfortable being like this, if she had her way, she’d sleep in the same bed as someone else every night, but that wasn’t really in the cards most of the time.

She hears the younger speak in to the darkness, a hand on her wrist, she was about to answer, but Sohee rolls over to face her and she gives her a soft, sleepy smile.  “Nothing happened, I just got in late and I was hoping not to wake anyone up.” she whispers back, hoping to save Vanessa the same fate.  She hums softly, the hand around Sohee lightly rubbing her back.

“It’s a little after one.  I just got in and changed and then came in here,” she says, still smiling.  “Is it too much?  I can go if you want me to.  I didn’t mean to wake you up, I just wanted to snuggle some.”  She really didn’t want to move, but if Sohee wanted her to, she would. 

she hadn’t anticipated being cuddled in the middle of the night. although it does make sense why ness opted to stay in her own bed if sejeong was already occupying sohee’s. not that she was complaining, per say. she enjoyed being snuggled. it made her feel secure. even if it makes her blush when sejeong’s face presses against her neck and her breathing tickles her.

sejeong looks really cute and snuggly this way. sohee isn’t sure why it just occurs to her now but her face heats up. she was really comfortable. the way she rubbed her back was practically lulling her back to sleep. even her smile was somehow cuter when they were sleepy like this. the realisation makes sohee scoot closer if only to press her face into sejeong’s neck instead of seeing how cute she looks. she couldn’t think straight.

“it’s not too much,” sohee murmurs. of course it isn’t sejeong was always welcomed. she just....had to stop looking so cute. it was embarrassing to admit. “i’m fine with snuggling. you just....you look really comfy right now. i’ve never seen you smile like that before.” she settles back in the bed so she could look at doyeon a bit. even in the low lighting she could outline most of sejeong’s features. she must have been exhausted.

rkness​:

vanessa hums. “maybe i’m exaggerating, but i feel like it was said to me whenever i brought up trc. nowadays, it’s not so bad– though i still a few of them call it a dungeon, especially for the boys…” she knows its common for fans of the company to want to see long time trainees finally debut. it’s usually exaggeration at best, but sometimes, vanessa can see the similaities in it. “mm. yeah. i did. a couple of times,” she says honestly. “just…‘cause i was angry. like when that netizen called out my slip up. and we got punished for it.” she shifts, frowning at the memory. “and during the trc girl group project. everytime hayoon critiqued me. i wanted to leave everytime, but…” she trails off, letting out a laugh. “i got over it, stayed. and i’m happy i did.”

“hey, i’ll have you know,” she laughs outright, twisting her head to look at the girl with raised brows and a twitching smile. “a lot of people were scared of me in school. i was tough. tough and– chic. stylish, dangerous– i could go on!” maybe vanessa’s exaggerating a little bit, but she was tough. and she still is. maybe softened, but she knows she’ll go down fighting if the girls are at stake. that’s something that’s definitive. “ooh…okay, i’ll take intimidating. i’ve got that– alpha stare.” she narrows her eyes into something more of a glare, expression turning into something more blank. it only lasts for a moment before her face is crumpling into a smile. she tucks closer to sohee, laughing.

she wraps her pinky tight around sohee’s, nodding her head as her smile softens a bit. “i’ll send you recordings. dated february twelvth, two thousand and fifty-nine.” her voice switches to that of something more soft, slow. “k.arma were on top of their game, and they still are.” she breaks out into a giggle at the end of it, letting out a soft, happy noise. she wants it to be like that; when they’re old and frail, still happy and looking fondly back at k.arma. it’s what she can only hope for, what she can only dream of.

“you’re welcome.” she murmurs, reaching out for sohee’s hand. she grabs it gently, rubbing her thumb on the top of it with a hum. “i’m happy to listen. always. here is a safe space with me.”

training seems to take forever. no one wants to wait ages to debut. it’s a lot of hoping and waiting and praying that your time isn’t wasted. though sohee never heard the dungeon jokes herself, she could understand why people felt that way. and isn’t it true, when trc took so long to debut k.arma and the boys still have no promises for their group?

sometimes sohee has to wonder how forgiving she actually was. many people have spoken, and acted, on their thoughts of leaving trc. even hearing how many times vanessa has had the thought occur to her. sohee was surprised. “really? that seems so often....why did you end up staying?” sohee only had the wish to leave trc once and that was by the end of the predebut period for k.arma. she had been belittled, insulted and dismissed for so many months during predebut that she was sure that she wasn’t even debuting. and after enduring month after month of it, she was ready to hand in the towel. that was when she reached her limit. she didn’t mind the years of waiting. her faith in her company didn’t waver even a single time. but every time hayoon scolded her, told her how disappointing she was and how hayoon was only repeating what tiger jk thought, sohee wanted to leave and never come back. it made her want to scream.

sohee closed her eyes. she doesn’t like thinking of predebut times. it wasn’t nice. it wasn’t a good time like others may have assumed. even when interviewers ask about training, sohee lies through her teeth. “that wasn’t the best time....predebut....it was really rough.” she leaves it at that. sohee had gone through so much. she never wants to acknowledge it again.

“ah you were a tough kid? should i be worried?” she teases with a smile. though sohee would never be worried of ness. she laughs, moving closer to vanessa as well. “oooh you’re so scary unnie!” she giggles. though if things come down to it, she’s sure ness would crack some heads.

2059 doesn’t even seem like a real year. it seemed forever in the future, a year they’d never see. but it was closer than she thought. she smiles. “a legacy that lasts forever! even when we’re old ladies.” gosh she’d be damn near 70 at that point won’t she? but she’d still have all of the memories of her group and how they always made people smile. sohee thinks that’s a life well lived. even if she’s an old woman who can barely do anything, she could look back on these years and smile.

k.kjy:

my kim sejeongie~~ your smile makes my heart 두근두근 ㅋㅋㅋ i’m so happy to have you with us! let me stay by your side forever and ever 💞 #happybirthdaykarmasgirlfriend

〖 k.arma (카르마)  remember (this moment) (이순간) - h.a.m cover & tribute  〗

trcentertainment Published on August 15, 2020

00:00-04:10

the video starts with some black and white shots of people setting up, adjusting lights, fixing the drapery on the floor for the set, etc. The staff members are faceless in these shots. The focus then shifts to the four girls of k.arma seated. some smile, others laugh. there’s no audio though. instead, it’s a voice over of kiyeon talking.

“h.a.m have always been an important part of my life, i feel,” she says as the video shows cuts of her smiling and talking with the other members and staff. the scene changes to her looking in the mirror as her hair is styled. “they were the girl group, you know? i grew up listening to their music. so now that their legacy continues on and it’s the anniversary of their last full length album i wanted to pay some respects to that.” it returns to kiyeon sitting next to the other girls. she looks at the camera and gives a small peace sign. “they were a big influence on me becoming k.arma’s kiyeon.”

the video in the beginning seems to follow that same format for the other girls as their voices come over: black and white shots of them getting ready for the video, small gestures to the camera, nodding and talking with staff and the like.

"i've always been a big fan of h.a.m sunbaes." jinah’s voice is next. there’s shots of her interacting with the members as they walk onto set. smiling at the camera as she passes. her voice is soft. "especially, their earlier albums. they have a very classic sound." there’s a clip of the members sitting together: doyeon, kiyeon, mona and jinah. the camera zooms in on jinah as she laughs. her voice over going over the clip. "i've always wanted to produce music but it was h.a.m that inspired me even more. i think they're the first girl group where all of the members had a hand in producing and were really at the forefront of making their sound, expanding on it and developing it but what i love most about h.a.m is their sisterhood, their bond. i hope karma can develope that."

doyeon’s voice is next. the next clip is of doyeon fixing her hair in the mirror. “yeah, i remember watching them and discovering dance wasn’t only ballet, then deciding i wanted to be an idol like them. i used to learn all their choreographies and perform to my friends at school.” there’s another clip. this one is of her talking with the girls. they seem to laugh at whatever she said, clapping their hands. “they are admirable seniors in the industry and i hope k.arma can walk on a flower path like them and become as memorable.”

the final voice over comes from the leader, mona. her audio is shorter than the rest. the clip is of her being the last to take a seat on set after she made sure everyone was ready. mic in hand. there were staff members scurrying about for last minute checks. mona’s voice is gentle. “i’ve always admired h.a.m sunbaenim. i’ve always respected them.” in the clip mona looks around before making eye contact with the camera. her eyes curve as her lips spread into a smile. “i’ve always loved their later works. like why so lonely? i really liked that song a lot....” as mona’s audio ends, the clip fades to black.

it reopens to all four girls seated in the same set from the barrage of clips we’ve seen. they’re dressed in plain clothes. they’re gently swaying as the music comes in. the tone is really somber. doyeon sings first. her voice is soft, perfectly matching the tone of the song. jinah’s voice comes in to supplement the hook of the song before mona sings the first chorus. they’re singing this live in the video. their vocals are clearly heard through the microphones they hold.

jinah sings the beginning of the verse after the chorus. doyeon finishes the verse for jinah’s voice to flow back in for the hook. this time, both mona and kiyeon lift their mics. they harmonise the chorus. kiyeon’s voice is stronger, her vocals the forefront of the chorus but mona sings in an alto, soft and weaving in the background of kiyeon’s singing.

doyeon and jinah both share the bridge of the song. they’re both fluent english speakers and it reflects as they sing. kiyeon’s voice comes in at the end of the bridge, supplementing the high notes of the song as doyeon softly sings the final chorus. mona’s strong and stable vocals come in to relay the final lyric of the song as it fades out. kiyeon rests her head on jinah’s shoulder.

rkjxy​:

joy smiles. these are the type of conversations that doesn’t usually come by when they just sit around. in little moments like these, she gets to know more about her members and their lives before they were all sort of thrusted together to form a group. she loves it a lot. it was like getting to see a different side of them, one that’s separate from what she already knows. “i trust you, unnie.” she grins. “even if you don’t, i wouldn’t know the difference so it’s all okay!”

the younger nods eagerly in agreement. “that’s true. usually, the best foods are tucked away from the touristy places. in little alleyways and in buildings that’s like a hundred years old and much cheaper too!” as she listens, her lips form in a silent ‘ohhh’ as she nods her head impressively. “yeah, i’ve been to italy a few times before but mostly in rome.” she smiles at the memory. “the carbonara is immaculate there so much that i can’t eat the cream based ones they make here. it’s just wrong.” she wrinkles her nose.

the comfort in cooking is really doing wonders to her mind. as someone who thrives when in motion, she really cannot sit still for far too long as it creates a reckless energy. she’s truly grateful for this, for sohee, and for the little reprieve it’s giving her. she listens to the older and grabs what she asked for, setting them in place. “i was watching a couple of youtube videos and came across someone making it.” she laughs bashfully as she answers. “but as we started talking about travelling now, i feel like i just really missed it. i miss being able to go to different countries and explore a culture by eating. i feel like how people make food says a lot about where they came from and that’s always been interesting to me.”

sohee finds herself chuckling. “maybe one day we can go to italy and you can try it. then you’ll be able to turn to me and tell me how bad my cooking was.” she was joking, of course, but she would definitely love to travel with k.arma members. especially to places she’s been. it would be a different experience with her members by her side.

“oh wow i remember rome,” she adds wistfully. she hadn’t been in rome in years. literally. she thinks the last time she was in italy was probably 2010. gosh....such a long time ago. she probably has photos somewhere. but thinking about the time makes her miss travelling. she thinks the last place she was in was paris back in 2016. even that was some time ago. maybe she should travel soon. travelling would probably mend her heart.

sohee hums in agreement as she puts the cover on the noodles to allow them to thaw and boil. “yeah. i used to travel a lot more when i was younger.” on plans for different events, fashion week, photoshoots....she couldn’t believe she lived that way. her life seems entirely different now. it’s almost like that was an entirely different person. “i want to be able to travel with everyone. it would be cool to travel because of work, like because we’re having a world tour or are going to be in a spread of an international magazine.” she remembers those days.

“gosh it’s been so long since....it feels like it was forever ago.” she looks up at joy. “the last time i was in rome i was like fourteen.” she laughs. it was probably before her birthday too. “i can’t believe it.” though the more she thinks about it, maybe visiting europe again would fill her with a sense of nostalgia. then maybe she wouldn’t be so fixated on her heart.

shiny things

as always, doyeon was a bit too focused on her parts to see the whole picture, but when sohee mentions it, she can only agree that it’s a good mix of different concepts, creating something fresh and colorful – it definitely wasn’t limited to cute. “it’s a bit crazy if you ask me,” she admits with a chuckle, eyes still on the mv that seemed like it had everything going on at the same time. “it’s fun though! we’re going to have a good time performing it…” despite any worries she had about pulling off that style, she had no doubts that their group would shine.

quietly, she turns the screen of her phone to sohee when her favorite part after the chorus starts. “i like this part where the dancers carry you like a queen. so cool~” the youngest singsongs. “we are keeping this, right? because we should.” the rap parts really stood out in this song, but this was another memorable part that she couldn’t imagine being left out of the performance. it would only emphasize the other’s beauty.

sitting up, doyeon brushes her long hair with her free hand before looking back at sohee. “i haven’t watched the first episodes yet. i’m waiting for my cameo to binge watch everything when i have time,” she confesses with a grin. “so let’s listen to it together or… even better, wanna sing it for me?” doyeon bats her eyelashes playfully and pauses the player. “i don’t know but i think i’m kind of special, so i don’t want to listen to it on melon like everyone else.” this time, it’s not her princess complex speaking, she is just joking around to tease her member. “i mean, i’ll stream it later to give it a lot of views.”

“oh i definitely agree,” sohee says with a laugh. “it’s very crazy.” it was so out there. it wasn’t like anything that defined them as k.arma but maybe that was a good thing. “it does look fun.” she could only hope that fans enjoy this new side of k.arma. “it’s so different than our concepts. it’s almost funny to imagine ourselves dressed like them.”

though she hopes no one thinks they performed badly. performing a cover of a different concept could be a good thing for a group but it also could be bad. though she couldn’t think up an example of a bad cover from a group, it was probably going to go fine. their fans were really supportive. and who knows, maybe they’ll do a fun concept like this in the future. “do you think that if we ever did such an outlandish concept like this we would fair well?”

sohee claps. “i hope we do! i would love to be carried. maybe then i could finally show off my princess of trc title.” she chuckles. though she wonders how it would be executed. could the dancers possibly drop her? the thought worries her but thinks that it wouldn’t be that bad. the dancers are strong. they have to be to lift her up. “we’re running a full practise later today, right? so maybe we’ll find out then.”

of course doyeon was waiting. sohee shakes her head and laughs. “we all have to crowd around the television for your cameo so we can scream about it.” sohee wondered if she should do something drama related. sejeong seemed to have so much fun doing her dramas like that.

rksejeong​:

If there was one thing Sejeong understood well, it was a father not being around to do even the basic things in relation to parenting.  She didn’t really talk about it much, but her own father had left their family when she was really little, too little to understand what was happening at the time really.  Part of her always wanted to believe he’d come back one day.  Heck, that was even part of why she had wanted to become an idol, to see if he’d show up, even if it was to ask for money. 

Hearing Sohee was going through something similar made her heart ache. The other girl was so sweet, she didn’t deserve to have to go through these sorts of things.  “Oh, I see… I’m really sorry to hear that, that’s… honestly sad that it’s that bad.”  She couldn’t imagine ever not talking to her mother, but it sounds like she and her mother have a much different relationship between them than Sohee and hers.

“Hmm?” she tilts her head a bit, wondering what exactly was ‘the thing’ was, but wHen she heard it, it only made her that much sadder for the other.  She always believed the best of people, wondering if maybe after all this time that they could make up for their past transgressions.  This though, this was maybe different.  “Oh, I see.  Well, maybe if it’s been a while… do you think maybe he saw the error of his ways?  Like… maybe he’s trying to turn over a new leaf or something? Maybe that’s too naive of me to hope that for you. Even if he’s not, maybe it would be cathartic to do that, to just let him know just how you feel.  You don’t have to forgive him, you don’t have to forget how he’s treated you, but maybe it’s a good thing he reached out, as much as it doesn’t feel that way.”

trigger warning: appetite talk & implications of an eating disorder

it was sad. everyone would say so if they knew. it was pathetic. it was not how a family should function. sohee knew....so why was she so desperate for their attention? why did she so badly want to be paid attention? she wished she could change things. the lack of control over anything is what drove her nuts. it made her nauseous. she could feel her stomach twisting. just the thought made her feel shaky. antsy.

she didn’t need to relapse right now. it would be the worst time.

sohee closed her eyes, forcing herself to calm. the last thing she needed was to give into the urges. she’s fine. she’s okay. she’s grown. she’s not out of control. her life wasn’t controlled by her parents anymore. she was free. she was an adult. she didn’t need to “cope” anymore. she was better now.

sejeong’s words helped keep her afloat. focusing on something else made her not focus on the other thing. “i don’t know if he’s changed.” the truth is she was scared. she felt like talking to him....even giving him the time of day would give him power over her. that somehow if she allowed him back in he would take advantage of it and she would have no choice but to do as he says. how would that fair now that she’s an adult? she couldn’t go back to that. thinking about it made her hands shake.

“i wish....i wish he actually saw the error of his ways. but i know if he did he would feel a lot worse than he does.....” he would probably throw himself at her mercy, not talk about how famous she is now. how suddenly family matters to him. she was never important family to him. he had new kids. kids that weren’t broken. there was no need for her anymore.

“you know, when i was younger i probably would have believed him. but my grandmother reminded me that if i let myself be used by them again, she couldn’t save me because i was an adult....” sohee didn’t want to go back to that. “i didn’t like myself when i was still with my parents. i wasn’t myself....” she was a shell of who she was. it was the darkest moments in her life. she didn’t want to go back to that.

━  ꕤ ┊long time coming

there were many things going through her head at the moment, it wasn’t long until she was going to be standing on stage ( performing with yoorim and a couple others ) – seeing cheri earlier had calmed her down a little but now here she had managed to spill water onto someone and her anxiety hit the roof again. ‘ such a fool lee naeun, ’ she thought to herself as she continued to clean up but it didn’t take her long until she heard the voice of the female she had spilled water on and she lifts her head.

immediately finding herself face to face with sohee, k.arma’s kiyeon but she had gotten used to calling the female sohee, naeun’s heart skipped a beat ( from being startled she told herself ).

“unnie,” she exclaims before her bottom lip purses out, to think she had actually managed to spill water on sohee. naeun looked at the female’s outfit and then to her own, a blue crop top with white pants and a high pony.

“i am sorry unnie,” she expresses her apology once again even after sohee had told her it was alright, naeun looked to the floor again and continued to dry the water with paper towels. her eyes shot up at sohee’s comment, eyes wide as two rows of pearly whites are flashed at the female.

“it is nice to finally meet you, too,” naeun says, the glee in her voice obvious– for a moment she forgets her nerves because of the excitement bubbling up in her chest, ‘ she’s cuter in person. ’ 

she was prettier in person.

that’s the first thing sohee thought. she couldn’t help but stare a bit. and she was as sweet in person as she was in dms (who else would drop down to clean up water than a person with a heart of gold?) it was endearing. sohee thought sweet people were .....well, sweet. it was a nice quality.

she chuckles, gently reaching to grab naeun’s wrist to stop her from cleaning. “you’re so silly, you don’t need to do that. it’s the rooftop. there’s a pool.” sohee points behind her where there was water seeped into the tile around the pool. “it’s bound to happen.” besides, what was more attention grabbing than a trainee squatting in front of an idol?

(she also didn’t want to accidentally give naeun an upskirt shot so it was possibly safest for naeun to stand with her.)

“i’m glad that you got into kt.” she shares with a smile as she rights herself. she smoothes her dress. thankfully it wasn’t wet. she didn’t bring a change of clothes if this dress got dirty. “are you going to be performing today? will i finally be able to see your rapping skills in person?” it would be cool. sohee always thought rappers were admirable.

rkness​:

vanessa’s quiet for a moment hearing the question. her eyes stare up at the ceiling in thought, brows furrowing as she tries to figure out the proper words, try to put her initial feelings into something tangible. her tongue pokes against the inside of her cheek, breath leaving through her nose in a sigh. “i…think there’s gotta be some truth to it. at least a little.” she says after a moment. “i remember…when i was offered to join trc, there were so many dungeon jokes. it really…felt that way, with how trc was back then.” it seems a little better now then it was back then, at least.

vanessa blinks, before starting off with a low chuckle. it escalates into something more like full blown laughter, her shoulders shaking with mirth. “of course. i’ll kick anyone’s ass that comes for k.arma.” and there’s a warmth to her voice, the genuinity there with the curve of her smile. she’d fight to protect this– to protect them. “what, you think me fighting is funny? or seeing me wipe the floor with someone?”

she’s quiet with thought for a moment. she shifts gently, turning her head to look at sohee for a long moment. she smiles, soft and small, nodding her head briefly. “of course.” she says firmly. “always in my thoughts. never forgotten, i swear it.” sana too, she wants to add; she never forgets about sana, even if she’s no longer k.arma. every girl to k.arma is precious, k.arma is precious.

lifting her free hand, she holds it up, one pinky up and the rest curled. “let’s pinky swear.” she says, her voice serious despite the action.

hearing vanessa’s answer worries her just a tad. from what she knows, trc has made no effort for a boy group. a part of her wonders if they ever will. was it selfish for her to prefer it that way? the boys definitely deserved to debut. but would it be at the expense of k.arma’s success? “really? i feel like i never heard those ....” though truthfully sohee held such a positive opinion of trc despite her first week there. even if that was terrifying for her. “did you ever feel like leaving?”

apparently many people considered it but it never crossed sohee’s mind. despite everything, trc just felt like it was it for her. there was no other company. trc was the company that chose her. why would she ever jump ship somewhere else? even if there are some sour experiences with the company, it was largely positive.

she chuckles alongside vanessa. “maybe it’s funny to see you kick someone’s butt.” she knows vanessa would never seriously would. though she knows the leader is protective of the group. despite being on the receiving end of vanessa’s wrath before, she knows the eldest is nicer than that. “although i’m pretty sure you could easily intimidate them into praising us.”