remedy `

vanessa watches sohee warily. she doesn’t know how the other girl’s feeling– well, bad, probably, with her sickness but vanessa mostly means in terms of mentally; how she’s taking not being able to sing at her proper range because of her cold. her tongue pokes against the inside of her cheek. if it were vanessa in that situation, she might be grumbling about in anger and pushing herself far too much past a limit. so vanessa takes from that and promises herself she’s not going to let sohee push too past boundaries that are detrimental for her health.

nodding, she turns to rifle through her bag for her spare bottle. she’s listening as she’s pushing through a mess of stuff in her bag, before smiling in relief at the sight of the bottle. tugging it out, she’s relieved to see it’s still a bit cold, little drops of condensation still on the bottle. humming, she turns to sohee and stretches out her arm, gently pressing the cool and wet side of the bottle on the girl’s forehead. “here, drink some.” she murmurs, lowering the bottle for the girl to take. “the medicine might help a lot. but if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. we’ll work round it.” if sohee’s voice continues at this rate, vanessa might have to ask her to sit out and she doesn’t want to upset the other by doing so. she bites at her cheek. “we’ll…try it through? see if keeping you hydrated and stuff helps. but if you feel any strain, stop, okay?”

the coolness of the bottle brings relief sohee didn’t even know that she needed. she closes her eyes and sighs out loud, holding the bottle to her forehead even after vanessa lowers it. it feels so good, she’s almost reluctant to open it and take a drink. she does so anyways because she needed to for her medicine but damn it was so refreshing. she drank like a woman dehydrated in the desert.

“thank you,” she says breathlessly after taking a long drink. she uncaps the medicine and takes it. the water brought cooling relief but the medicine will help her headache, nausea and aching muscles (hopefully). what she really needed was a nap but there was no nap during training hours.

“i’ll be fine,” she insists though she knows damn well she won’t be fine. she’ll be achey and ready to pass out. too much activity will leave her light headed. yet above all she doesn’t want to hold anyone back, much less vanessa. lest they descend into another familiar argument she doesn’t want to relive when she’s physically incapable of walking away fast enough. “i promise. i’ll put my best foot forward okay? i don’t want to mess up.”

@rksohee

jongsuk hadn’t actually spoken to sohee since their big breakup way back when. he felt too awful to even face her since he didn’t think that she deserved a friend like him. she deserved so much more than him and yet, here they were again. jongsuk had almost forgotten that they had the same vocal lessons and facing sohee was hard. he had been incredibly awful to her and even his apology back then was awful. he approaches the girl who he absolutely adores so much with a lot of hesitation. 

“hi, sohee….” he mumbles. it’s almost weird. jongsuk is never shy and he never runs away from his feelings but right now he just wants to hide even more, but he can’t because in mere minutes the trainers will walk in and the vocal lessons will start. however jongsuk doesn’t give her a chance to speak before he continues. “i’ve been a really really awful person to you and i spent the past few months mentally kicking myself because you do not deserve a trash friend like me and you deserve way more and way better than me, but i really hope that we can still be friends, because i think you are absolutely the cutest and most adorable person in my life  and i don’t want to lose that.” jongsuk speaks almost too quickly to understand but he tries to get his point across. 

she’s not expecting jongsuk to approach her at all. there was only some few stolen moments before vocal lessons would start and sohee would have to go with the rest of the trc girls in their practise room, separate once again while they practise for their separate evaluations. at least now she isn’t as sick as she once was thanks to doyeon’s medicine. she was feeling a lot better safe for the spare cough here and there. so when she looks up at jongsuk, her head doesn’t even thump with a migraine.

she blinks a little rapidly. she’s surprised. something must be in trc’s water for people to be apologising to her left and right for treating her so shittily. who was next? she barely could get out a hi in response before jongsuk is rambling and sohee is left trying to keep up with the rushed and awkward apology.

“oh,” she says softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. “well, it’s okay, really. i know i’ve been busy lately.” too busy even for any of the trc trainees — but she can’t admit as to why. “so it’s not really all your fault that we haven’t spoken in so long. i’m sorry about that.”

doyeon isn’t blind; she notices the first signs of it during the dance practices. while she can’t detect minimal changes in people’s voices unless it’s too discrepant, she is able spot small details here and there when it comes to dance and, from watching the senior dancing for four months, she knows that lack of stamina is not sohee’s usual state.  but she doesn’t say anything, because everyone is tired physically and emotionally after these months of hard work and uncertainty, maybe it’s just not a good day and it’s okay too— they are still human.

then it repeats in the following days, even more obvious than before, until it looks like the girl is carrying the whole world on her shoulders as she sports a face mask through the hallways of trc. unfortunately, it wasn’t just another bad day; sohee was certainly sick and doyeon can’t help but worry. with the low temperature outside, what is surprising is that the older girl is the only one.

sohee shouldn’t even be there, but doyeon would probably do the same if it was her given the amount of things they had to prepare for this month. like it or not, they didn’t have the luxury to go home and rest until fully recovered, because the staff wouldn’t look kindly at them at the end of the month if they didn’t perform well, no matter if it was due to health issues or pure laziness.

so instead of nagging, she leaves to buy some basic meds from a pharmacy nearby and other healthy stuff at the convenience store across the street, returning with two small plastic bags to give to the older. quietly, she looks for the girl around the building and knocks on the door when she spots her sunbae in one of the rooms.

“sohee unnie~ how are you feeling?” she asks as she walks in, a warm smile contrasting with the furrowed brows, concerned about the other’s condition. “i-uh… i brought these for you. not sure what you have but there’s stuff for cold, migraine and honey and ginger drops for the throat. ah, and red ginseng drinks to make you stronger,” she hands out the bags once she’s done listing the items. hopefully, she’s not being too much and nosy here, she just wants the other to feel better. “please, take them.”

if anyone has noticed sohee had fallen ill the beginning of this month, no one has said a word. she knows they eye her warily, probably wondering if she’d transmit whatever sickness brought her under to them. she doesn’t blame them. she’d probably feel the same way. getting sick late enough into the month would put them out of commission for the evaluation and no one would want that. that’s why she took to the face masks and scarves whenever possible.

she’s not expecting doyeon to come into her practise room. until then she had been catching her breath and slowly unwrapping herself from her outer wear. her body ached. every layer removed felt like it took ages to be taken off. but she so desperately needed her body to feel cool air. it was overheating at this point.

the knock at the door has her lifting her head sharply. too sharply as her temples throb in reminder that suddenly movements will cause her migraine to worsen and for her body to go on strike until she throws up. she watches doyeon as she enters. she looks....worried. expected for someone approaching someone sick.

sohee puts back on the face mask to shield the other from any contamination although she’s sure her shallow breathing has put more than enough germs in the air. paranoid that she’d get the other sick, she searched her own bag for hand sanitizer before she even puts her hand out towards the other. “thank you,” sohee says huskily behind the mask. “i’m not sure what i have either but i don’t want to make a doctor’s visit out of it.”

if the doctor puts it on official writing that sohee has to sit out then she’s down for the count for however long the note says. that’s not something she would want when it still the beginning of the month and she still has chance to recover somewhat before the end of the month approaches. she takes the bag with a small smile that definitely reaches her eyes. she’s thankful.

Sejeong really didn’t like the fact that she was having to try and convince Sohee to work with the rest of the group when they were all there together for once.  She didn’t quite understand why it was that the other didn’t want to work with them while they were doing group formations, as it seemed to her that that was the best way to do them, as a group.

Confrontation wasn’t really something Sejeong liked to do, unless someone was being treated unjustly or something like that.  Sohee was someone she respected a lot and she knew the other must have some things weighing on her mind if she was off on her own like this. The instructors hadn’t exactly been kind to her in their reviews so far.

Surprised that Sohee would be fighting back against her request, Sejeong worked at keeping her voice low so the others wouldn’t hear them talking about it.  “I mean, even if you aren’t in the center, you’re still a part of the group.  It’s not like the people not in the center are just standing around.”  She thinks this is reason enough to try and get the other to join them again, but from the other’s reaction, it doesn’t seem to be.

“Think of how much more you’ll be on the count with us if you’re counting with us as we all dance together.  Doesn’t that seem like a better choice?”

logically, sohee knows sejeong isn’t being mean. she isn’t doing this to press buttons or to start drama. sejeong was too sweet for that. but she also felt a little ticked off that sejeong was still insisting it. this wasn’t the only practise they would get together. in fact, they’re obligated to spend every practise time together now outside of independent studying and gym time. so sohee didn’t really understand why sejeong was being so darn insistent.

“hey, i know that but being a part of the group means i have to be as good as the rest of you guys too,” sohee pointed out with a frown. she was starting to get a little defensive. “it’s not even the last time we’d all be working together. i’m still a little bit off. why can’t i have time to myself to catch up?”

maybe she’s just wound up from how badly evaluations went this time around. maybe she’s still stressed from the vanessa thing too. either way, she’s not taking to it too kindly. she’s tired and stressed and sejeong wasn’t giving her any leeway right now. she feels bad but she also doesn’t feel like she should be working on group work right now. she thought sejeong would be able to respect that.

somi never thought anything was easy just because it looks like it. she knows how much work one needs to put in to put together a one-minute dance video, a speech in front of class, planning a trip with her friends. none of those were easy, and it becomes even harder when something she could only dream of would be the reward at the end of the process. she liked to think it was luck, maybe even a quick laugh for fate that she’s put in a project group like this. but looking back, at every step she had to take and every decision she had to make, the young girl knew she worked hard to be here – just like everybody else has. she had known that for a while really, but the guilt still eats her up most days – but she’s done a great job brushing it off along with the ill-feelings that resurface ever so often.

the younger listens and smiles, nodding her head when the sohee asked her to come along, “yes, i’d love to!” she doesn’t usually feel embarrassed about sounding overly excited, but lately she feels that perhaps she’s being a little loud than she’s supposed to. maybe the feedback she’s been getting has been getting to her more than she admits. she brushes the thought off as she walks next to sohee. as always, she finds herself staring a little too longer than normal. somi blinks and shakes her head, looking away immediately hoping that sohee doesn’t find her weird. “so unnie,” she begins with a smile, “do you have any songs you think you’d be doing for your solo?”

she’s realized that it’s worst if they talked about something else. she can’t run away from the evaluation, so might as well create a more positive conversation about it. that’s the idea she hopes to do with the other girls, she’s going to try her to not only be more positive and supportive, but to be more open about how she feels and what she thinks. “you danced really well, and you’re a wonderful singer as expected,” she tells the older. “i don’t think i’ll be able to perform that song yet,” somi feels her cheeks warm up as she laughs lightly. “maybe in the future…”

somi is cute an energetic so her loudness is forgiven as well as anything she could possibly do that sohee would fine weird coming from anyone else. sohee didn’t even notice the staring though it would have been vaguely obvious to anyone outside the conversation.

the song she wanted to do was one that was a little more explicit, or at least, sohee felt like it was. she knows somi was too young to be able to watch the music video on her own as it had been given a strict rating on naver and youtube but the younger could have at least heard of it. or seen live performances where the dance was more censored.

“i’m thinking of doing paradise lost,” sohee admitted with a sigh. it was more dancing focused to challenge herself and really show that she’s more than just vocals and being pretty. even though hayoon seems to be waiting on sohee to prove herself. somi’s praise makes her feel better about herself in the very least.

“thank you,” she says softly. “you’re a much better dancer than i am but you’re also much younger. you have a long time to make your skills more refined. don’t beat yourself up over it if you’re not perfect. it’s expected that you’d have a lot more raw talent at your age!” somi was incredibly talented at that too. she was more dynamic than sohee was. somi was a decent rapper and singer as well as a dancer. and she was adorable. a fitting golden maknae indeed. 

there’s a lot of things vanessa is thinking about post the beginning of the month. she’s thinking about hayoon, her evaluation results, jinsoul and then sana– and then the other girls and sohee and her head is just a mess. she’s stuck between worry and frustration; frustration at the way things have been done– jinsoul’s exclusion from the project and sana’s addition, worry with how sana is adjusting. she’s worried especially now, hearing the state of sohee’s voice. she can’t tell exactly how bad it is (and sohee’s voice is never bad), but she knows there’s some strain.

her lips purse as she looks at the younger. she hesitates, teeth worrying her lower lip as she hums. slowly, she nods her head– and a bunch of things bounce in her head. things to say, to respond with; worry and concern color her transparent– and she can’t help but stare, trying to find any bit of the girl’s discomfort so vanessa can do something about it. 

“okay,” she says instead. her voice is soft, careful. she’s been treading carefully around the other girl since their last talk; she’s been trying– little words here and there, small actions and baby steps. vanessa feels a bit better about the two of them, but she knows she still has a bit to go to even attempt to have things back to any semblance of normalcy. “that’s okay– those days happen. don’t overwork yourself, okay?” she glances away, shifting awkwardly. she reaches up to scratch at the side of her cheek, tongue poking against the inside of it. she breathes out through her nose, and then glances back at the girl. “don’t hesitate to take breaks if you need it. do you need some water? i have an extra one in my bag.”

there’s a level of expectation sohee now has to achieve. sana is probably a sweet girl but sohee definitely couldn’t falter now that she was added as a replacement. if hayoon was so easy to do that with someone as talented as jinsoul then it means any of them could go at any given moment and they’d replace them in a heartbeat. that pressure did nothing to aid the ache in her muscles.

her body is heavy and her eyes are somehow both pale and dark from the illness. it’s a cold. a good night’s rest would probably do her some good but with december being so damn busy, she couldn’t dream of taking time off. there’s so much at stake right now. this was truly the worst time to get sick (and she hated herself for it).

the truth was, even if she took breaks here and there, she couldn’t sing. no matter how much she tried, her throat was too dry and closed up, immediately resulting in a coughing fit. training right now would be a waste but damn was sohee stubborn. vanessa allowing her to continue comes as a surprise. some (irrational) side of her expected a biting remark. instead the elder is gentle. it makes sohee flush in the face.

( vanessa cares and sohee is finding that she missed it so much — feeling cared for by vanessa feels so nice. )

“i won’t,” she rasps in response, unable to even speak at a normal volume. she hates the crack in her words or how she suddenly sounds like she smoked three packs a day. she tries to moisten her throat with saliva because she is parched. she even has to apply lip balm every hour because her lips are so dry despite her increased water intake.

           tw: negative thoughts, medication mention.

vanessa thinks that within the past year alone, she’s grown a lot. a lot more than she’d expect; a year ago, vanessa might have struck– might have raised fist. said a lot more rude, crude, callous words that should never be uttered; spiteful little things to make herself feel better and tear apart whoever pissed her off. the vanessa of now is a much better, much more refined and fixed version. still jagged and still imperfect, but she’s trying.

Keep reading

sohee was never given the opportunity to reconcile with the only other person something like this has happened to. he ignored her so for the most part, she did in return. but damn did it hurt to feel like she lost him. was that what she wanted with vanessa as well?

she admits, her like for vanessa wasn’t nearly as deep for ricky and she hasn’t been friends with vanessa as long as she’s been with ricky but it stings all the same. loss knows no discrimination in longevity. vanessa mattered to her a great deal. was she really willing in just letting the pain and hurt get away especially when vanessa had made the first step in apologising for her actions?

but a part of her is angry; angry at vanessa for implying that she wasn’t blaming her in some way. because she did. she nearly scoffs but she holds back. “i know you don’t say things you don’t mean. did you forget that you told me that you weren’t here to make friends? or did you forget how you hissed those words at me that were heavy with the implication that you wanted us to go our separate ways?”

yes vanessa sure did take it out on her. for a while they just.... didn’t speak. things were tense. sohee effectively had to pretend it didn’t bother. she eventually stopped looking towards vanessa’s direction at all. it made it a bit easier that none of their parts intersected at all. there was no need for her to acknowledge the other.

vanessa looks so clearly exhausted. sohee can’t help but think that’s how she felt since their fight. the entire time. but for sure, sohee hadn’t brought anyone else into it. “i didn’t say anything to the other girls. i’m not doing anything to jeopardise the group.” her words were a little petulant. she was focusing on minor things vanessa said rather than the statement as a whole.

Sejeong was still exhausted, but the thought that she had come so close to really hurting Sohee like that was weighing heavy on her mind and heart. She really hadn’t been thinking about what might happen from her putting off sleep for more practice, especially for anyone else that was involved in her life. She really hadn’t meant to let it get this far.

Seeing Sohee starting to get changed, she looked away, pulling the towel a little tighter around herself. Any other time, she would have likely have teased Sohee about getting changed in front of her, asking if she could take a peek, but being scolded was certainly not one of the things that put her into a flirty mood and so she decided to just keep quiet and give the other her privacy.  “Yeah… I know, I’m sorry.” She really did feel bad about the whole thing, she just didn’t know what else to do.

She let her head hang a bit, the water dripping off and to the floor as she took more of the other’s concerned words to heart. “I know, but they claimed I wasn’t practicing…  I had to do something, Sohee…” she really hated that she had upset the other so much, but she really had had no idea what she was supposed to do to prove it to them, other than not go home and keep practicing.  She nodded at the other’s statement, still just sitting there and looking down.  “Yeah… I’ll leave at the normal time, don’t worry.”

She shrugged at the question, not sure how to answer that. She didn’t know how people did it. She wanted to be an idol, but she still wasn’t sure on some of the intricacies of it. “I don’t know, I was just trying to fix their conception of me. I work just as hard as anyone else and they claimed I don’t practice? I haven’t missed a day of work since I got signed and I do everything they ask, I don’t know what else I should do.”

after getting properly redressed in dryer clothing, sohee turned to sejeong with a sigh. the other did seem to look ashamed for what happened even if she couldn’t help but slump over in the shower. “i need you to take care of yourself, okay?” she asked, now softer with her words. she puts her hands on sejeong’s shoulder. “they might say one thing but they can’t do anything with a trainee that passes out during schedules because she didn’t sleep.”

sejeong’s evaluation wasn’t fair. it was hard to self measure and to figure when you think you have improved enough for them. sohee knows that sejeong isn’t the one to half ass and it’s frustrating to hear such a critique from the people who hold her future in their hands. sohee felt frustrated for sejeong. she pulled the other into a hug, uncaring if she ended up getting a tad bit wet this time.

“you’re doing your best, i know.” sohee felt like sejeong was working really hard. maybe whatever hayoon saw was a mistake because she knows sejeong practises a lot -- they all do. it was unfair to rag on her like this. “don’t sacrifice your sleep over not being at the level the company expects you to be at. you’re getting better but because you’re sejeong, you’re getting better at a sejeong pace which is perfectly okay.”

it could be the combination of the company expecting more and something that they saw from the snippets of recordings that were done while they practised. she wonder what they typically saw. but since it was practise, they’d usually be practising. so it makes no sense for them to make sejeong feel as if she needed to do more beyond that. sohee frown, finally pull away entirely from the other.

just to tease the other, her lips catch on her lower lip again– before a wide grin breaks out. her teeth release the flesh, and her shoulders are shaking with mirth, eyes crinkling at the others cuteness. she shakes her head, tilting it to the side as she listens to sohee. she hums in acknowledgement. “sohee,” she muses, her smile twitching; it wants to break into something wider than what she’s used to. a smile that quite literally, takes up her whole face. “did you just tell me i have like, supernatural beauty? that’s– wow, that’s a high fucking compliment. thank you, pretty baby.” 

vanessa snorts at the others reaction. her eyebrows raise as she observes the girl. her tongue darts out to lick her lips. her smile twitches again, but she schools it– humming. “yep! praise kink. y’know what that is, right?” she grins cheekily, teasingly. it’s fun to push on sohee’s buttons like this–fluster her. she has such a cute reaction, and vanessa is a greedy, greedy girl. “i’m really pretty, huh? thank you.” 

and then there’s a thought in her head. her eyes narrow as she watches the girl, tongue poking against the inside of her cheek. “hey, sohee.” she says slowly. “are my lips pretty too? because you keep staring awfully hard at them…” there’s an amused tone to her voice, aided by a cheeky smile as her eyes crinkle up. “i hope they’re pretty. i used a lot of lip balm today.” in emphasis, she smacks her lips together. 

by now she’s red, knowing that vanessa is taking it lightheartedly. maybe it’s worse knowing that she is being serious but vanessa thinks it’s cute. or maybe it’s because vanessa is flirting back, albeit playfully? regardless she can’t help but be hyper aware of the other and the way she bites her lip. (god sohee stop staring.) “i-i mean, i think you do....you can even be a visual....”

praise kink. by context she should understand it fully but in reality she feels like the logistics are shaky in her head. “uh....kinda?” kink like a turn on, right? (oh god please be right or else sohee was going to embarrass herself in front of the other). “like you....or someone is like.....turned on by compliments?” she phrases the statement like a question mostly because she’s still not completely sure herself. “is that it?”

the way vanessa watches her causes her to blink. sohee immediately went through a mental checklist to remember if she was decent looking. did something get stuck on her face? was her hair too messy? was there a booger? did she suddenly break out in the hugest pimple ever that she never noticed? or did vanessa suddenly acquire the ability to read minds and she heard sohee’s thoughts about wanting to kiss her?

the next thing vanessa says almost convinces sohee on the spot that vanessa was telepathic. she makes a squeaked hum in response. “y-your lips?” dammit sohee don’t stare at them again. even if she forced herself to only toss glances at the others lips now that she mentioned it, sohee still found her eyes darting down often. how embarrassing. the lip smack sends a shiver up her spine. she was so damn wound up she found herself nodding dumbly and muttering:

“that’s good then.” she would hate to trouble sohee. they already had group practices. once you added on everything else they had to have ready, moments to relax were very few. so, she wouldn’t be upset if the girls took them with they could. and she would hate to be the one to pull them away, when she was one of the older trainees. by now, she should have it. and she didn’t, so she would work on it. “yeah, it’s been rough…they’ve been.” she trailed, knowing sohee would get it. they were harsh, rough, and didn’t care about being gentle with them. if she hadn’t heard everything under the sun during her scandal, yubin was sure she would break. 

“but if you ever want to talk, you know i’m here.” if she could help sohee, she would do what she could to help sohee. “i’m doing okay.” she would be down at times but it wasn’t as if she was horrible. “comments..they can sting but i know i didn’t get the worse of it.” no, that had been saved for the other girls. “and i’m used to their devilry by now.” 

she knew. she knew yubin was always there when she needed it but even if the other never let her down before, sohee felt hesitant to open up in general. not just to yubin but to anyone. sohee was just tired of a lot of it; of the drama. she’d rather not vent about it because speaking at it means it stays alive. she’d rather just let it age and fade from her memory.

“i know you didn’t,” sohee responds quietly, thinking of how they practically ripped vanessa a new one early on and then proceeded to stomp on her further the following month. hearing the harshness of the evaluations make her cringe. she didn’t even get one so bad yet but she fears for the time in which she will. “getting harsh critiques hurt though.” she’s quiet for a moment before adding,

“i don’t think being used to that is a good thing, unnie.”

it was almost sad to think that yubin really wasn’t fazed by it. sohee isn’t sure if that’s any better. “at least they thought you were worthy of debut!” which was the most positive take she could have on it. she gestures towards the speakers, indicating for her unnie to plug in her phone so they could start.