#lilyrambles

The supernatural youtube channel strikes once again

Ah a full hour

I hope those of you who are also in the northern hemisphere are surviving the heat! I know I've continued to be quiet here, especially now that I've pulled back on S+P. I just wanted to give an update because I've been taking a big step back from my online life and felt the need to pop back in.

(CW health challenges)

Last month was full on crisis mode for me, but I'm now just coming out of it in a better place. To be a bit more transparent than usual - I've been having non-stop uncomfortable head symptoms since December, and after rounds of seeing doctors and testing and trying things and nothing working, they finally decided to do an MRI of the brain. I was then told at the beginning of June that there is likely something wrong - the paperwork literally called it a brain “disease” when ordering follow-up MRIs - but I wouldn't be able to see a neurologist to discuss these scans until beginning of July. I cannot describe how unbearably stressful the past month was. I've been in a pretty dark place if I'm being honest.

Cut to the neurology appointment…. and it turns out all of this seems to be a false alarm, she didn't think there was cause for concern from the scans. Fucking PHEW. I do have follow-ups to keep an eye on it, and I'm sure I'll be recovering from the stressful wait for a while yet (like I wish it could have been possible that a neurologist look over the scans right away and gave me a call saying that I'm probably fine, ahead of my appointment…. ah well). Plus, unfortunately this all means that I'm back to square one and have no idea what is causing these shitty symptoms. There are next steps, and I'm going to keep attempting to figure things out, as hopeless as it's starting to feel. But in the meantime, I'm going to try and utilize this relief that it's not as serious as I feared and hopefully energize myself to start pulling my life back together, best I can. I have a lot of catching up and self care to do! And I'm looking forward to no longer being in crisis mode. 😊

I'm not sure what this will mean creatively quite yet. I haven't altogether stopped drawing/writing - creative projects can sometimes be a good distraction after all. But I've also just been reevaluating a lot of stuff in my life, focusing on my IRL family and friends, rethinking my relationship with size and with the community. Just a lot of processing to do. But I certainly hope that this means I'll start feeling more inspired to create again!

Tony didn’t know what the hell he had been doing when he had given the last rose to Bucky. For sure his brain had been melted down to a thick soupy puddle after the last couple of days being stuck around so many men who wanted him. It was a concept he couldn’t really wrap his head around. Not only had the last day been an exercise of  dancing around his feelings with Steve, trying to avoid having to spend any time with him alone, the grapevine had filled with the rumors that Steve and Stephen (God what even was his life anymore???) had almost gotten into a fist fight over their affections towards him. He had kind of expected this from Steve who had obviously not expected so much true competition when he was working hard to win Tony back, ( and did he even want Steve to try and win him back? ;The only time he had been this emotionally confused was when he had been dying of Palladium poisoning)

               When Tony had asked for more details from his only source of pseudo-information, Peter, he had just shrugged and told him that it had been over who cared for Tony more. It had been painfully obvious that Peter had been withholding the true reason for their fight, so instead of picking either of them, like he had planned previously, his hand had automatically moved towards the tall quiet man who had been looming to his right.