#lifeposts

When you're frustrated, the first thing you want to do is point fingers at someone. I had people say, never stare at people but honestly, if I did, I wouldve understood alot earlier what it meant to be compassionate and more empathetic towards others. It's easy to point fingers at others, say hurtful words that could hurt people, but it mustve been real strength 2010 me to continuously just wonder.

Parents. I love them. I want to be mad at them. I was mad at them first l, but then after a lot of thinking, it's not their fault. My mom. Shes a nurse. She wanted to be an artist but my great grandmother wouldn't give her money for school unless she was a nurse. So, she became a nurse and after marriage she was expecting a healthy, easy lifestyle. Little did she know that she'd have 3 children and be working the rest of her life and still does to this day. My dad, probably has a deep past but because of his kids, he found love and wanted to start a business and little did he know that he would be on and off jobs, continously trying to find a job and trying to find one where he'll stay. Thankfully hes found a relative one.

Me. I will never tell the deep stories of me. Too dark for anyone to see and never to want people to find remorse, guilt, whatever. I had a lot of difficulties in life, but like always, I kept a positive state of mind, never reflecting on what happened to me. My senior year of highschool, I almost failed. I didnt think that would happen to me. Of all people. I spent a years worth of work in one or two weeks just to graduate and on graduation day, I was nervous but a school representative, whom I'll resent and I'm not going to give any empathy for, took me away from the graduation ceremony, without investigating, said I didnt complete the requirements for graduating and it wasnt until the principle came up to her and told her she made a mistake, she did all her work and he said congratulations, it's okay you can go back. I was flustered, embarrassed, ashamed of myself and I asked myself, was it okay for me to graduate? I walked on stage puzzled but because my facial expressions were never fazed, it didnt look like i was puzzled. I just walked on stage and accepted my diploma. I didnt get the gratifying feeling i wanted for graduating. All my life i wanted to blame someone for not giving me a road map in life and after a lot of thinking, I'm not mad at my parents or cousins or anyone. I'm just mad that years passed and i lost the privilege of earning my little brothers title as older sister. I didnt deserve it because in 2010, while in my freshman year, and my little brother was probably only in 7th or 8th grade he had to watch over me in my most vulnerable moments and witness that I cant bear the title of older sister.

Life throws edges at you, I was a straight edge. But now, I'm just trying to see what I can do. Now I know I'm allowed to be mad at people but it wont do anything now. My faith in God has always panned in and out and now I know I'm allowed to be mad at him, for taking things away and sometimes giving me things.

Tomorrow will be one year since I started my new job and honestly, I have never been happier to wake up and go to work, even at 6am. I love it, but there's a part of my life I love a whole lot more, and that's my fiancee, who actually found me the job and had the faith in me to go for it. I making this as a post for her, to thank her for all of the things she's done for me so far, I thank her for it in person anyway, but I like to show off why she'll always be the better half of this life we have. So thank you for:

-Being there to match my crazy, and laugh at my sick jokes

-Putting up with all of my faults, and helping me to actually trash a few of them along the way

-Bringing out the old, less miserable version of myself, seriously. He was a prick.

-Making me laugh every single day we've been together (not joking, she actually has that skill)

-Actually having things in common, from personality to the same music, #I FOUND SOMEONE WHO LIKES ELO

-Being a good person to be around, I know we have banter, but you've always made me feel supported

-Helping me to remember that I'm an equal in this, I used to be stuck in a mindset of being less than equal, and you broke me out of that

There are so many more things I could thank you for, but I'll drag this post into a frigging dissertation if I do, so just know that most important of all, I have never been happier with anyone in my life, I will try to memorise every little thing with you, and I love you more than you may ever know!

This hotel is the best. By far. My fianceè and I stayed here for a couple of nights last year for Comic-Con, two days after it had opened! Talk about a fresh service! Aaaaand we stayed here again for my birthday this year, 'cause I wanted to go to the bar and have drinks....

Me: *drops the cinnamon on accident*

Mom: my cinnamononon

I was waylaid by expectations

So faraway, adrift I went

that I have been searching my way back ever since

Expectations, that never emanated from me

Expectations, that screamed for my attention

And I gave them my life, all of it

This word has a lot of meaning to me. I find it difficult to talk about myself, mainly due to a lack of confidence that wavers between 'ugh bed head' to 'oh dear MERCY PLEASE JUST TAKE MY DISGUSTING SELF OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE'. The latter I haven't felt for some time now, but someone has helped me get away from that ❤.

But one of the most difficult things I've ever had to understand is just how difficult a person I actually am. I am NOT easy and no, this is not one of those posts where I use it to realise the point I'm making, I have know this for AAAAAAAAGES, like way back in college 'AAAAAAAAGES'.

My biggest difficulty is my self confidence, like I said before, it wavers. But for the past 5 years, I haven't had a whole day, no wait.....full hour where I've been constantly confident in myself. I go for a job interview with why I'm ideal for the job and I've got the history of the company burned into my brain to impress the boss. I come out convinced they're all laughing about how much the human race should be embarrased I exist! AND MY FLIES WERE DOWN!

I've been emotionally drained, strained and scarred, some scars I'm still reminded of today, my girlfriend and I have been together nearly two years at this point, and I still ask her permission to do things, because I am paranoid she'll disapprove and cut my nards off! This isn't her fault though, my past relationship was a very one sided period of my life, where I became more and more isolated, not by my choice, but it took so long to get back to who I used to be! So sometimes I am difficult, my girlfriend may get frustrated because I keep asking her permission to do things, it happens a little less as time goes by, it makes me a slightly easier person to be with.

I'll never be a completely easy person to be around, everyone has their own way of being difficult, but most of the battle is finding someone who will not only endure that, but respect it and allow you whatever you need to silence it.

Now ending on a nice note, here's a photo of my dog attempting intelligence.