#led on

This was a gift for someone.... Allow me to mourn this. Allow me to not be very graceful, as I move through this. Let me flail and panic and question every bit of my self worth. I know I partially brought this on myself, still it came out of nowhere to me. If there were warning signs, they were NOT clear to me, like at all.... So, please, let me be unreasonable, borderline psycho. Let me move through this panic and hopefully come out on the other side more balanced and peacefull than I ever was stepping into the roleplaying community. This borders to heart break to me. Why? Iv questioned that too... Believe me... Im constantly questioning myself, what I could have done, and shouldnt have said. But its done... I know... I haunts me, more that it should! Im mourning, im sad, I have heartache. Its not stupid. Its human.

Fuck everything about this the frustration of waking to another empty day Nothing seems fulfilling anymore and it's been a long time so something satisfied I've been floating for so long that I've forgotten just how to swim

I'm tired of this I am exhaustion personified

I want to scream right in your fucking face Rip you limb for limb But it won't matter to you if he did and you'd just hand me a piece of gum and make me insecure about the scent of my breath Just enough to avert my attention made so you can just walk away

These carpel tunnel hands make it difficult to type and this goddamn conscience makes it hard to die

Fuck everything about him and you wonder how I hate him so much when I've never even met him face to face but he stole you from me and I have no fucking time for thieves So let me hate and have my anger Just how do you think your going to stop me?

if you do not want all of me, 

you do not deserve the best parts of me i save for those who want my all

i will not let you use me as your backup convenience consolation prize 

I was looking at you for a long time Never really knowing why Was it a crush? Was it lust? It could have been my way of life looking for trust Our story began when we first spoke Somehow you filled me with hope Somewhere along the poetic lines And piano rhymes Something about us felt right We both just caught each other’s sight At the time I had a girl But by the time she left me he was yours I may have been a little jealous(and made up flaws) Since I could have loved you more And better than what you had had before

Now I will admit You were kind of a —– Girl you’re done wasting my time Now I’ll just go and get high I’ll forget ‘bout loving you Just for tonight

Then we were at a party Drunk, under a tree (in a caravan) When you told me That you felt the same too and Admittedly it scared me I have only felt this with few. Months went by and then suddenly You were asking me out for coffee I told you I wasn’t ready More of an excuse really I was cautious you see I was used to being lonely Didn’t want to get used to the subtleties of being loved So I took you for granted You left me enchanted We dated for a couple months I fell more and more in love The next few weeks were Kisses on cheeks Comfort when weak Play fights Moonlight “Look at the stars tonight” You hated it when I tickled you I knew you secretly loved it, it’s true In the end it came down to one night at a party I would fight for you if you’d let me.

Now I will admit You were kind of a —– Girl you’re done wasting my time Now I’ll just go and get high I’ll forget 'bout loving you Just for tonight

Though she may disagree, I feel like I was led on by my ex after our breakup. We grew closer and she would mention a possibility of “us” in the future with seemingly zero intent on trying it out again. To her credit, she had at times also told me to stop wasting my time, but then would do or say one little thing and I was sucked right back in.

I didn’t handle it well, but I also think that was in part due to our pre-existing relationship and my desperation to make things work. Essentially that broke me more than anything else that happened between us - it made me feel literally insane most days for a good several months. 

If you want some advice, just throw it out there to whoever it is you might suspect of leading you on. Put an ultimatum down, whether it be a time or a set plan to progress further into a relationship. Chances are, if they back off, they were leading you on. I will say, though, that it’s entirely possible to lead someone on unintentionally. I am guilty of this, and it made me feel super shitty. So if you feel like you’re being played, maybe bring it up gently at first. If they are made aware of certain things they are saying or doing that indicate something they don’t intend, they can fix it and your relationship can progress as normal.